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xp_logsStill grappling with complications from his temporary integration, Haller runs into the last person he wanted to see in this situation: Shatterstar.
He had been on the porch for almost five minutes now, two of which had been spent looking at the cigarette in his hand. He'd pulled it out and then stalled on lighting it. The only part of him who'd liked smoking hadn't come from David, and now it was roundly outnumbered. He wondered where that part had gone. Had it been ground away beneath his newly unified system, or had whatever Radha had done simply scrubbed it from his mind? What had happened to the pieces that had been Jemail?
The unlit cigarette fell as Haller stumbled back, suddenly dizzy. Groping for support, he found the wall and he managed to steady himself. He turned to press his forehead against the wall until he got control of his breathing again. Late autumn wind touched his cheek like a gentle reminder.
This was temporary. He had to remember that. Whatever had been done to his system would unravel again in a few weeks. They wouldn't know anything until then anyway. He just had to get through it.
While Shatterstar had fallen into routine, he had fallen into respect for Haller and, loathe as he was to admit it, had to agree with Benji that he liked the man. It has been busy at the Institute lately, and the flooding hasn't helped things at all. He's done what he could to help relief from the manor, not trusting himself to do more hands on relief. (It was cowardly, maybe. He had actually been planning on mentioning Benji's aversion to natural disasters to Haller some time).
He hadn't had a training session with his teacher since Haller had gone out west, which was fine, but he hadn't been able to seek advice about who to seek advice from either.
He had been heading out of the mansion for a run to try to help Benji's anxiety when he saw Haller, face on the wall.
"You look terrible."
Haller jerked back to himself at the unexpected voice behind him. The surprise was quickly eclipsed by the cold realization it had come from the last person he'd wanted to run into right now.
"Oh . . . hey, Shatterstar." He pushed himself away from the wall and forced a smile. "I'm okay. Just got dizzy for a minute."
"You're not a good liar," he said but held out a hand to his teacher to offer him some support while he was dizzy. "Or you're dodging the full truth. But whatever, your choice."
He tried not to look too concerned, but he doubted that it worked. It was obvious something was really wrong. Haller seemed... Uncanny.
"Yeah, okay. Not telling you would be dumb." That was almost certainly a Cyndi thought, but Cyndi often had a point. Haller sighed and leaned against the wall. "I'm just having a . . . system reorganization, I guess you could call it. It's temporary, but that's why I canceled our sessions for a few weeks. I need it to settle down first. It's hard to focus right now."
Shatterstar nodded in understanding. He and Benji used to be more fractured and their system had changed over time. It could be exhausting to get used to, though he imagined it was probably a lot harder for Haller than for him. "Well. Just don't pass out. That wouldn't be good."
"It's okay, I'm in touch with my supports. I'm playing it a little smarter this time." The older man's smile turned wry. The implication was clear: You don't worry about me, I worry about you. "What about you? I'm glad you've been going out with the other kids. I guess that means you're settling in."
Shatterstar would worry about who he damn well pleased, and it was hard not to worry about your teacher when he looked on the verge of passing out. He let a hand hover around Haller's shoulder. "What do you mean this time?" he pressed, ignoring the question about himself.
Haller laughed. "I mean since the last time, when Benjamin came out just to tell me I looked awful." Without thinking, Haller reacted with Cyndi's impulse and punched the boy gently on the shoulder. "You're too serious. I'll be fine."
Shatterstar glanced at Haller's eyes, expecting to see Cyndi's green, even though Haller's voice didn't sound like her. Instead they were mostly blue, just with a brown blotch. He crossed his arms. "Now I believe you're fine even less. You never touch me casually."
Haller dropped his arm. Shatterstar was right -- he didn't. Jim didn't. "Right," he muttered, almost to himself. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sorry. With everyone integrated sometimes I don't know who I--"
Haller stopped, suddenly realizing what he'd just said, but it was too late.
Shatterstar's hackles raised. It really wasn't his business if Haller decided to integrate but he wished he had been told- if not for his sake then for Benji's. He turned slightly cold, looking away from Haller. "I didn't know you guys decided to integrate." Why did it feel like losing multiple friends? Why did it feel like a betrayal?
"I didn't." The denial came out sharp and unthinking. Haller pressed a hand to his head and tried to collect his thoughts. He hadn't wanted to get into this -- it had seemed too potentially triggering. Too late to avoid the subject now, he supposed.
"I didn't," he repeated, calmer this time. He looked up to meet the boy's eyes. "I heard about a mutant capable of healing certain medical conditions. I went to speak to her to see if I could make a connection with Muir Island. During the interview she assumed that must mean I wanted to be 'fixed,' too. She didn't think it was worth asking my opinion."
Shatterstar's anger switched on a dime from being at Haller for not bothering to tell him to this woman for messing with his mentor and friends' minds without their consent. The air started to vibrate him around him in rage. His arms were shaking and he had to sprint down the stairs in case his powers went off like he hadn't had any training at all.
"That's disgusting of her!" He said, trying and failing to calm himself down. "I can't believe someone would do that to you."
Haller could sense the power starting to boil off the boy. Quickly, he followed him off the porch and onto the lawn.
"Hey, it's all right. It's temporary." Haller came up beside the young man but didn't attempt physical contact. He held up his hands, palms out, like a man soothing an agitated horse. "Shatterstar, look at me. Her changes don't last unless she actively works to keep them up. A few weeks and my system will be back to normal. I'll be okay. Okay?"
Shatterstar took a few deep breaths and focussed on making his powers cool off until the humming in the air was mostly gone.
He had to be strong and stable for Haller.
He looked at the older man, still keeping distance just in case. "She still shouldn't have done it to you," he said determinedly. "If I ever meet her I will make sure she knows not to hurt you again," he promised. "No one should go in your head without your consent."
It didn't matter if it was temporary. It shouldn't have happened at all.
Just for a moment, something showed in Haller's eyes: agreement, and an answering rage as sharp and cold as Jack's had ever been. Then the psi looked away.
"People don't understand that different doesn't mean broken. She didn't know. But I agree. She should have asked." He exhaled slowly, counting to ten as he did, forcibly expelling the tension from his own body. "I feel . . . off. Without my system I can't process things the same way. Things keep boiling over at odd times. That's why I was trying to keep my distance." He snorted softly. "I thought you might notice."
"I noticed either way," Shatterstar pointed out, shaking the remaining buzzing feeling out of his arms. But then again...
"Do you want to blow things up with us? That way you won't boil over as much when you're angry." If there was anything Shatterstar knew, it was suppressing anger- and how useless of an endeavor it was. "You can pretend rocks are her face."
"It could make you feel more in control, maybe."
"That sounds like a great idea, actually." Haller gave Shatterstar a crooked smile. From the look of the boy he wouldn't be the only one to benefit from a little controlled demolition. A thought occurred to him.
"Actually . . . have you ever been skeet shooting?"
He had been on the porch for almost five minutes now, two of which had been spent looking at the cigarette in his hand. He'd pulled it out and then stalled on lighting it. The only part of him who'd liked smoking hadn't come from David, and now it was roundly outnumbered. He wondered where that part had gone. Had it been ground away beneath his newly unified system, or had whatever Radha had done simply scrubbed it from his mind? What had happened to the pieces that had been Jemail?
The unlit cigarette fell as Haller stumbled back, suddenly dizzy. Groping for support, he found the wall and he managed to steady himself. He turned to press his forehead against the wall until he got control of his breathing again. Late autumn wind touched his cheek like a gentle reminder.
This was temporary. He had to remember that. Whatever had been done to his system would unravel again in a few weeks. They wouldn't know anything until then anyway. He just had to get through it.
While Shatterstar had fallen into routine, he had fallen into respect for Haller and, loathe as he was to admit it, had to agree with Benji that he liked the man. It has been busy at the Institute lately, and the flooding hasn't helped things at all. He's done what he could to help relief from the manor, not trusting himself to do more hands on relief. (It was cowardly, maybe. He had actually been planning on mentioning Benji's aversion to natural disasters to Haller some time).
He hadn't had a training session with his teacher since Haller had gone out west, which was fine, but he hadn't been able to seek advice about who to seek advice from either.
He had been heading out of the mansion for a run to try to help Benji's anxiety when he saw Haller, face on the wall.
"You look terrible."
Haller jerked back to himself at the unexpected voice behind him. The surprise was quickly eclipsed by the cold realization it had come from the last person he'd wanted to run into right now.
"Oh . . . hey, Shatterstar." He pushed himself away from the wall and forced a smile. "I'm okay. Just got dizzy for a minute."
"You're not a good liar," he said but held out a hand to his teacher to offer him some support while he was dizzy. "Or you're dodging the full truth. But whatever, your choice."
He tried not to look too concerned, but he doubted that it worked. It was obvious something was really wrong. Haller seemed... Uncanny.
"Yeah, okay. Not telling you would be dumb." That was almost certainly a Cyndi thought, but Cyndi often had a point. Haller sighed and leaned against the wall. "I'm just having a . . . system reorganization, I guess you could call it. It's temporary, but that's why I canceled our sessions for a few weeks. I need it to settle down first. It's hard to focus right now."
Shatterstar nodded in understanding. He and Benji used to be more fractured and their system had changed over time. It could be exhausting to get used to, though he imagined it was probably a lot harder for Haller than for him. "Well. Just don't pass out. That wouldn't be good."
"It's okay, I'm in touch with my supports. I'm playing it a little smarter this time." The older man's smile turned wry. The implication was clear: You don't worry about me, I worry about you. "What about you? I'm glad you've been going out with the other kids. I guess that means you're settling in."
Shatterstar would worry about who he damn well pleased, and it was hard not to worry about your teacher when he looked on the verge of passing out. He let a hand hover around Haller's shoulder. "What do you mean this time?" he pressed, ignoring the question about himself.
Haller laughed. "I mean since the last time, when Benjamin came out just to tell me I looked awful." Without thinking, Haller reacted with Cyndi's impulse and punched the boy gently on the shoulder. "You're too serious. I'll be fine."
Shatterstar glanced at Haller's eyes, expecting to see Cyndi's green, even though Haller's voice didn't sound like her. Instead they were mostly blue, just with a brown blotch. He crossed his arms. "Now I believe you're fine even less. You never touch me casually."
Haller dropped his arm. Shatterstar was right -- he didn't. Jim didn't. "Right," he muttered, almost to himself. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sorry. With everyone integrated sometimes I don't know who I--"
Haller stopped, suddenly realizing what he'd just said, but it was too late.
Shatterstar's hackles raised. It really wasn't his business if Haller decided to integrate but he wished he had been told- if not for his sake then for Benji's. He turned slightly cold, looking away from Haller. "I didn't know you guys decided to integrate." Why did it feel like losing multiple friends? Why did it feel like a betrayal?
"I didn't." The denial came out sharp and unthinking. Haller pressed a hand to his head and tried to collect his thoughts. He hadn't wanted to get into this -- it had seemed too potentially triggering. Too late to avoid the subject now, he supposed.
"I didn't," he repeated, calmer this time. He looked up to meet the boy's eyes. "I heard about a mutant capable of healing certain medical conditions. I went to speak to her to see if I could make a connection with Muir Island. During the interview she assumed that must mean I wanted to be 'fixed,' too. She didn't think it was worth asking my opinion."
Shatterstar's anger switched on a dime from being at Haller for not bothering to tell him to this woman for messing with his mentor and friends' minds without their consent. The air started to vibrate him around him in rage. His arms were shaking and he had to sprint down the stairs in case his powers went off like he hadn't had any training at all.
"That's disgusting of her!" He said, trying and failing to calm himself down. "I can't believe someone would do that to you."
Haller could sense the power starting to boil off the boy. Quickly, he followed him off the porch and onto the lawn.
"Hey, it's all right. It's temporary." Haller came up beside the young man but didn't attempt physical contact. He held up his hands, palms out, like a man soothing an agitated horse. "Shatterstar, look at me. Her changes don't last unless she actively works to keep them up. A few weeks and my system will be back to normal. I'll be okay. Okay?"
Shatterstar took a few deep breaths and focussed on making his powers cool off until the humming in the air was mostly gone.
He had to be strong and stable for Haller.
He looked at the older man, still keeping distance just in case. "She still shouldn't have done it to you," he said determinedly. "If I ever meet her I will make sure she knows not to hurt you again," he promised. "No one should go in your head without your consent."
It didn't matter if it was temporary. It shouldn't have happened at all.
Just for a moment, something showed in Haller's eyes: agreement, and an answering rage as sharp and cold as Jack's had ever been. Then the psi looked away.
"People don't understand that different doesn't mean broken. She didn't know. But I agree. She should have asked." He exhaled slowly, counting to ten as he did, forcibly expelling the tension from his own body. "I feel . . . off. Without my system I can't process things the same way. Things keep boiling over at odd times. That's why I was trying to keep my distance." He snorted softly. "I thought you might notice."
"I noticed either way," Shatterstar pointed out, shaking the remaining buzzing feeling out of his arms. But then again...
"Do you want to blow things up with us? That way you won't boil over as much when you're angry." If there was anything Shatterstar knew, it was suppressing anger- and how useless of an endeavor it was. "You can pretend rocks are her face."
"It could make you feel more in control, maybe."
"That sounds like a great idea, actually." Haller gave Shatterstar a crooked smile. From the look of the boy he wouldn't be the only one to benefit from a little controlled demolition. A thought occurred to him.
"Actually . . . have you ever been skeet shooting?"
