xp_logs | Sam & Clint: Oh, Weep No More, Today

CW: mentions of suicide attempt

After finally getting all of his siblings down for bed, Sam makes a phone call in what he perceives as a selfish attempt at self care.

Sam laid in the dark and listened to the sounds he knew well- his younger siblings sleeping. How many times had he put them all to bed over the years? He knew Paige's snores, Mel's sleepwalking, to keep a glass of water closeby for Jeb lest he wake up with a migraine, Liz still liked a nightlight when she was stressed, Elle couldn't sleep unless her pillow was on the correct side, and Cissie and Lewis it seemed still liked a good cuddle before bed. It was hard to believe the twins were eleven now. Eight years since their daddy died, and Sam feels like he's aged about twenty since then.

Sleep hadn't come easy for his family, but it came harder for Sam as he stared at his phone in the dark. He'd spent his whole life being Jay's big brother, protecting him from real and imagined threats and even promising to stand between him and God's own rattlesnakes in church when they were little. It wasn't fair that Lucinda hadn't let him come to the hospital. Tears pricked at his eyes and he sighed, pulling up his last text messages with Clint and hitting 'call' before holding the phone to his ear. He hoped the other man picked up.

When his phone started ringing despite the hour, Clint knew it was one of six people and he picked up without even checking the caller ID. "Hey, what's wrong?" Because anybody calling at this hour knew he was either passed out or on duty somewhere that he couldn't be interrupted -- so if they called him anyway... it followed that something was wrong. After the fiasco with Miss Hope Summers, verifiable non-entity in their universe until the 22nd of December in the Year of Whoever 2023, he'd gone right back to his absurd shifts observing the wormhole. It was quiet, at least, with no one really around to try to do silly things like touch the wormhole.

"Hey," Sam whispered weakly. "I gotta whisper cause I've got seven eighths of my siblings passed out in my old room and two of 'em on top of me.....the uh....the eighth.... Mama took Jay to the hospital a few hours ago. He tried to kill 'imself and Mama wouldn't let me go with 'em, so I'm back to babymindin'....again. I just- needed to hear your voice, I guess. It's stupid."

Clint blinked rapidly for approximately half a second before straightening in his seat and saying, "Hey - that's not stupid. You're one of six people who can ring through my Do Not Disturb settings. Not counting my niece and nephews. Are you okay? I mean obviously not -- how can I help?"

Sam squeezed his eyes shut as the tears threatening to fall finally spilled down his cheeks. He took a shuddering breath and tried to compose himself before he woke the twins, rubbing Lewis' back in an effort to soothe himself as much as comfort the boy. What he wanted to say was that he needed to be not in charge. Sam just once wanted his Mama to say 'hey Sammy, I've got this one, you just worry about you.' But Clint couldn't give him that. Clint couldn't make his Mama feel like she was his Mama and not his co-parent, even Daddy hadn't been able to do that.

"I feel like I'm failin' him." Sam whispered, voice coming out ragged and rough. "I wasn't there when that fight broke out at the funeral because me just bein' there woulda caused a donnybrook. He didn't think he could tell me about Julia bein' a Cabot. He didn't even tell me he has fucking wings. And now I ain't with him and I'm holding the babies like he ain't the one who did most of the raisin' them."

Sam took another shaky breath. "Sure they call me 'Daddy' sometimes but that's cause they don't remember our Daddy and I did most of their raisin' from when they were babies 'till I left when they was four..... fuck Jay and Julia were gonna take 'em with when they moved to Louisville."

"Sam, hey -- do me a favor. Take a really slow breath in through your nose, okay? Hold it for a count of three, then exhale really slowly. This is a terrible situation all around and I'm sorry you're going through it -- keep on breathing, okay? -- but remember you've got people in more places than Kentucky now. Maybe you can check on Jay tomorrow, trade off with your mom. But you're doing something important right now, okay? You're taking care of your younger brothers and sisters and there's nobody else on Earth who can do that better," Clint said. "You want any of us to come down, I can guarantee at least five people'll hop through one of Clarice's portals to be there for you. You're not alone and neither is your family right now."

Sam took a deep breath through his nose as Clint instructed. He did it a few more times until he was sure he could speak again without hiccoughing another pathetic sob. "That's awfully sweet of you. God, you're awfully sweet to me. But...it's prolly not smart for y'all to come down right now. Elle's done blamed me for everythin' cause I left and the folks in town- Jay caused quite the ruckus today. Town's bout split in two over whether Jay was justified, but all folks're talkin' about is his wings. It's.... a bit fire'n'brimstone down here, darlin'- our landline got a call from our old preacher who left a message sayin' he always knew Jay was trouble cause he was afreared of them snakes. Course he fucking was, he was four." Sam took another breath. "I love that you wanna come down but....we've got enough trouble without causin' a bigger ruckus by bringin' in more mutants, and outsiders at that....."

"Yeah, I figured you'd say that," Clint said quietly. "Wait -- why." He paused a moment before continuing, "Did you say snakes? Why was the preacher scaring your brother with snakes?"

"We were raised Pentecostal." Sam whispered, as if that explained everything. "We're the speakin' in tongues sort now which is more Jay's speed. The rattlers scared him somethin' awful as a kid......well, they're the speakin' in tongues sort, I'm agnostic."

He sighed and traced nonsense lines with his fingertips along Lewis' back like he'd done when his little brother was just a baby. How had he grown so fast? "Jay's prolly gonna move north with me once he's outta the hospital. I can't see Lucinda- I mean Mama handlin' this well long term. She'll get in one of her bouts and then it'll all be on me, like it always is....I know I said don't come down but I could use one of yer hugs right now...... I gotta call Lewis in the mornin' - not my brother Lewis, Daddy's friend Lewis. He wanted to know how Jay was farin' and he'll prolly come over and help fuss over the kids..."

Sam took another steadying breath through his nose. He needed to change the subject, or he'd never get any sleep tonight. "I tell ya I got lunch with 'im afore I stopped home on Thursday?"

"No, you didn't -- I assume he's doing alright and lunch was good?" Clint asked, making a mental note to look up what Pentecostal people did with snakes and speaking in tongues. He had a feeling he was in for a wild ride. "Tell me about it."

"Well, I tried to come out to 'im. He's the closest thing to a dad I've got anymore so...felt I prolly should. Only to find out he already knew. Apparently, straight boys don't listen to Dolly Parton on repeat when their crush doesn't like them back. Jay used to give me hell for that, we shared a bed for ages." Sam closed his eyes and pushed his head deeper into the pillow beneath him. "I hope you get to meet 'im someday."

Beside him Cissie stirred a bit and he quieted as her head lifted off his chest.

"Daddy?" She said, looking up at him in the dark.

Sam's heart broke, and his voice was thick with emotion when he answered. "Yeah pumpkin?"

"Is Jay gonna be okay?"

Sam swallowed hard. "Yeah, course he is hon, I'll make sure of it- go back to sleep now, it'll be okay."

"Who're you talkin' to? Is it Mama?"

Sam kissed her forehead. "One of my folks up north. If you get some sleep now you can help me with breakfast in the mornin' - can't have Paigey burnin' all our eggs can we?"