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xp_logsBackdated to Jan 24 Shatterstar asks Hope about a moral quandary that's been bugging him since the attack on District X.
Shatterstar had been distracted during he and Miss Abbott's game, even more than usual when he had a question for her. He was playing abysmally. Finally, after about half the game he decided to approach the subject- just in a more roundabout way. Miss Abbott had, after all, been teaching him evasion. "Did you ever want to be an X-Man?" he asked.
It was a wide circle around the concept of killing, but he could spiral inward.
"The X-men?" Hope paused a moment, giving the question the attention it deserved. "Surely I considered it. I believe everyone who grows up at the mansion during their teens at least contemplates one or twice what it would mean to be an X-man and if they would wish to be one. But I concluded very quickly this was not the case. My abilities are not suitable for the kind of combat they engage in and my other skills make me a much better fit for another team."
"I understand that not all the other teams have the same code of conduct either," Shatterstar said, trying to play his line of questioning like Hope would, but clearly uncomfortable, chewing his inner cheek. "Was that part of your choice too?"
"Up to a certain degree, yes, the teams have their own codes of conduct. But I would not say it is quite as formal as a full code of conduct." Hope put her pieces aside, narrowing her eyes just a little. "With choosing a team, it is not just important you choose one that matches your skillset, but also one that fits you in the way they operate. 'Code of conduct' is a small part of that. What I considered was much more the whole general style of how the team operated."
She took a sip of her coffee before adding: "Are you possibly considering a team to join?"
Shatterstar tapped his game piece against the table as he mulled this piece of advise over. As it often was with Miss Abbott, it wasn't exactly the answer to the question he was trying to ask, but the answer to a question he hadn't thought to ask yet.
"Not exactly," he responded finally. "But I am thinking of the actions taken by individuals and teams with the whole District X thing." He was careful with his words. "And actions not taken."
"That is rather broad, I have to admit. Is there something in particular that drew your attention? Or that you have questions about?"
Shatterstar could not keep up the game of subterfuge, even though he had wanted to try using the skills being taught to him. He leaned back in his chair slightly. "I am going to be blunt now," he warned her. "You know my friend Rictor? He was being beaten horribly and I had my sword at his assailant’s throat. I was ready to kill the man. I was ready to kill any of them if I had to. And I was not afraid to." He frowned and tugged at his hair. He wasn't sure enough of Hope's reaction to go on until she told him to.
"You were in the middle of combat?" Hope clarified, only narrowing her eyes a little in thought. "With multiple opponents and seeing your friend's being assaulted and injured?" She has seen Shatterstar's high regard for Rictor. After a few seconds, she added: "I hope Rictor is recovering well?"
He nodded his ascension at both of the first two questions. "Rictor is fine now. He was much better off than others," Shatterstar said, thinking of Arthur in particular. Shatterstar started slowly tapping his game piece again, thinking. He could see the outline Miss About was making with her line of questioning, but not quite the full picture.
"I am glad to hear that." The words rolled smoothly off Hope's tongue as she considered the rest of what he'd said. "Would you tell me more of what is bothering you here?" She had an inkling, but she did not want to assume. Not on this.
Shatterstar gave her a sour look for making him spell it out when he wasn't even sure how to spell it, so to speak. He had to sit for half a minute before slowly forming his sentence. "I'm bothered by how unbothered I am about the fact I almost killed someone. I feel like I should feel more. And," Here he paused. "I am worried that it would be easy for me."
"I can see why this would concern you." Hope quietly acknowledged. "Was this your first time in a situation like this? I know you have been training for a long time, but there is a huge difference between training and an actual fight."
Shatterstar smiled wryly. "I have been in many, many fights. But even when almost killing someone there is a difference between a fight with a weapon and a fight with only yourself." He paused. "This was my first actual fight with a sword and not just my hands, my powers, or a knife."
"Very different circumstances." Hope acknowledged quietly. "But since you have been in fights before and you have been training with your swords for quite a while... have you ever seriously considered the question under which circumstances you would be willing to take a life?"
"I never allowed myself to. I know there are circumstances, and I don't like to know it," Shatterstar said quietly. How could you admit to someone you respected that you would take a life? That you would have taken one, easily. Recently. "Do you...? Have you...?"
"I have not. Not directly at least." Hope replied immediately. Sometimes if she shared just a little openly, it would encourage her companion to do so as well. "But I have taken actions in the past which could have resulted in death. And tried to seriously consider the question under which circumstances I might take direct action." Even if that was only two or three people...
"I don't want to kill," Shatterstar said after he thought about what Hope had told him. "But I could do it. And there are circumstances in which I would." He looked down to their game board. "And I would rather take it on than someone who couldn't." He thought of his friends- Rictor and Sharon and Match and Liam. He would not wish having to kill on any of them. "And this seems to be a reality we face."
"I think a large majority of the people would prefer not to have to take a life, even if many are capable of it." Hope spoke after a long moment. "But yes, I do believe that the reality is that sometimes there is no other choice and when we choose to live here we might have to face that reality more than others... you might benefit from speaking with others who have had to make that choice though."
He knew she was right and that he should bring his concerns to someone else- but who else could he trust? Shatterstar just nodded in response to her advice. This was the reality of talking to Miss Abbott- the outcome of what she had to say was very rarely what Shatterstar wanted to hear, but he trusted her to tell him what he needed to hear. "Thank you," he said.
"I might have one or two people I can suggest if you wish." Hope rotated the game piece in her hand for the final time and placed it on the board.
"You always have the best resources, Miss Abbott," Shatterstar agreed to her offer, turning his attention back to the board.
Shatterstar had been distracted during he and Miss Abbott's game, even more than usual when he had a question for her. He was playing abysmally. Finally, after about half the game he decided to approach the subject- just in a more roundabout way. Miss Abbott had, after all, been teaching him evasion. "Did you ever want to be an X-Man?" he asked.
It was a wide circle around the concept of killing, but he could spiral inward.
"The X-men?" Hope paused a moment, giving the question the attention it deserved. "Surely I considered it. I believe everyone who grows up at the mansion during their teens at least contemplates one or twice what it would mean to be an X-man and if they would wish to be one. But I concluded very quickly this was not the case. My abilities are not suitable for the kind of combat they engage in and my other skills make me a much better fit for another team."
"I understand that not all the other teams have the same code of conduct either," Shatterstar said, trying to play his line of questioning like Hope would, but clearly uncomfortable, chewing his inner cheek. "Was that part of your choice too?"
"Up to a certain degree, yes, the teams have their own codes of conduct. But I would not say it is quite as formal as a full code of conduct." Hope put her pieces aside, narrowing her eyes just a little. "With choosing a team, it is not just important you choose one that matches your skillset, but also one that fits you in the way they operate. 'Code of conduct' is a small part of that. What I considered was much more the whole general style of how the team operated."
She took a sip of her coffee before adding: "Are you possibly considering a team to join?"
Shatterstar tapped his game piece against the table as he mulled this piece of advise over. As it often was with Miss Abbott, it wasn't exactly the answer to the question he was trying to ask, but the answer to a question he hadn't thought to ask yet.
"Not exactly," he responded finally. "But I am thinking of the actions taken by individuals and teams with the whole District X thing." He was careful with his words. "And actions not taken."
"That is rather broad, I have to admit. Is there something in particular that drew your attention? Or that you have questions about?"
Shatterstar could not keep up the game of subterfuge, even though he had wanted to try using the skills being taught to him. He leaned back in his chair slightly. "I am going to be blunt now," he warned her. "You know my friend Rictor? He was being beaten horribly and I had my sword at his assailant’s throat. I was ready to kill the man. I was ready to kill any of them if I had to. And I was not afraid to." He frowned and tugged at his hair. He wasn't sure enough of Hope's reaction to go on until she told him to.
"You were in the middle of combat?" Hope clarified, only narrowing her eyes a little in thought. "With multiple opponents and seeing your friend's being assaulted and injured?" She has seen Shatterstar's high regard for Rictor. After a few seconds, she added: "I hope Rictor is recovering well?"
He nodded his ascension at both of the first two questions. "Rictor is fine now. He was much better off than others," Shatterstar said, thinking of Arthur in particular. Shatterstar started slowly tapping his game piece again, thinking. He could see the outline Miss About was making with her line of questioning, but not quite the full picture.
"I am glad to hear that." The words rolled smoothly off Hope's tongue as she considered the rest of what he'd said. "Would you tell me more of what is bothering you here?" She had an inkling, but she did not want to assume. Not on this.
Shatterstar gave her a sour look for making him spell it out when he wasn't even sure how to spell it, so to speak. He had to sit for half a minute before slowly forming his sentence. "I'm bothered by how unbothered I am about the fact I almost killed someone. I feel like I should feel more. And," Here he paused. "I am worried that it would be easy for me."
"I can see why this would concern you." Hope quietly acknowledged. "Was this your first time in a situation like this? I know you have been training for a long time, but there is a huge difference between training and an actual fight."
Shatterstar smiled wryly. "I have been in many, many fights. But even when almost killing someone there is a difference between a fight with a weapon and a fight with only yourself." He paused. "This was my first actual fight with a sword and not just my hands, my powers, or a knife."
"Very different circumstances." Hope acknowledged quietly. "But since you have been in fights before and you have been training with your swords for quite a while... have you ever seriously considered the question under which circumstances you would be willing to take a life?"
"I never allowed myself to. I know there are circumstances, and I don't like to know it," Shatterstar said quietly. How could you admit to someone you respected that you would take a life? That you would have taken one, easily. Recently. "Do you...? Have you...?"
"I have not. Not directly at least." Hope replied immediately. Sometimes if she shared just a little openly, it would encourage her companion to do so as well. "But I have taken actions in the past which could have resulted in death. And tried to seriously consider the question under which circumstances I might take direct action." Even if that was only two or three people...
"I don't want to kill," Shatterstar said after he thought about what Hope had told him. "But I could do it. And there are circumstances in which I would." He looked down to their game board. "And I would rather take it on than someone who couldn't." He thought of his friends- Rictor and Sharon and Match and Liam. He would not wish having to kill on any of them. "And this seems to be a reality we face."
"I think a large majority of the people would prefer not to have to take a life, even if many are capable of it." Hope spoke after a long moment. "But yes, I do believe that the reality is that sometimes there is no other choice and when we choose to live here we might have to face that reality more than others... you might benefit from speaking with others who have had to make that choice though."
He knew she was right and that he should bring his concerns to someone else- but who else could he trust? Shatterstar just nodded in response to her advice. This was the reality of talking to Miss Abbott- the outcome of what she had to say was very rarely what Shatterstar wanted to hear, but he trusted her to tell him what he needed to hear. "Thank you," he said.
"I might have one or two people I can suggest if you wish." Hope rotated the game piece in her hand for the final time and placed it on the board.
"You always have the best resources, Miss Abbott," Shatterstar agreed to her offer, turning his attention back to the board.
