Jubilee gets rid of the collar and deals with things.

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

Backdated to Sunday 9th May 2004.

Jubilee, Samson and Xavier finally deal with her issues. She gets her memories back, and is finally able to take off the collar. She decides also that it's time to start training with her powers, rather then just dicking around.




Jubilee poked her head around the door to Samson's office, smiling when she saw him sitting at his desk. "Hey Sam, how ya been?"

"Fine, Jubilee. Come on in, make yourself comfortable. And how are you feeling? Ready for this?" Samson waved her inside, towards the easy chairs. "Charles is delayed - this business with Mr Dayspring is keeping him busy, I believe - but he'll be here shortly."

Jubilee nodded, taking a seat, drawing her legs up so she sat cross legged in the chair. "I'm fine, been spending a lot of time sketching to take the edge off. Haven't sat down with blank paper for ages, so it took my mind of stuff having to concentrate. I'm nervous, I guess. Not entirely sure what to expect, but I trust you and Chuck, so I'm ready. Will it...do you think it'll hurt? I mean, every other time I've remembered there's been this pain in my head, kinda like a really bad headache."

"That's what Charles is for - he'll be relieving the strain, allowing you to remember without the emotional reactions," Samson told her. "It's usual for hypnosis to be used in these kind of situations for the same reason, but in this instance, Charles and I decided to tag-team." He smiled, hoping the humour would ease the girl's nervousness a little.

Jubilee chuckled. "See, now I'm picturing you guys as wrestlers on WWE and that's the strangest image. You know, I realized something this week, that maybe my experience when I first got my powers wasn't the worst. I mean, sure the foster parentals decided to be scared as crap of me but like, I could still kinda hide, someone like Angelo or Sarah, they don't get that choice. Maybe I've just been up all night watching Schindler's List but I never really thought about what being a mutant means"

"I wrestled in college, you know," Samson said with an answering chuckle. Then he sobered and addressed the rest of what Jubilee had said. "It's not unusual, with the amount of work we've been doing, for you to start thinking things through in ways you haven't before. You're challenging a lot of ideas you had about yourself, so it follows that you start to challenge some of the ideas you have about other things to. As for whether your manifestation was better or worse than anyone else's... well, I thought we'd agreed you weren't going to compare such things? Everyone's different, and reacts in different ways."

Jubilee smiled at Samson. "Yeah, yeah. I know. No tearing myself down. I think I did pretty well this week, except for this one moment when I completely lost it but I managed to talk to people this week, not avoid them like I've been doin' lately and it was...nice, you know? To just talk without it being all about me, I guess. Jamie told me a bit about what he went through when he manifested. Like, I know he probably doesn't think about it that way but it felt nice to be trusted."

Samson nodded and smiled. "I'm glad you've been doing that. It's much easier to handle things if you have other people around, even if you're not necessarily telling them your troubles. Feeling bad... it tends to isolate us, make us focus even more on what is making us feel bad, and it sets up a whole cycle." His smile turned wry. "It's like picking at scabs - we shouldn't because it won't heal, but we can't help ourselves any way. And then we feel bad for doing it." He leaned forward a little. "This moment when you lost it... did anything in particular set that off, or was it just general stress?"

Jubilee paused for a moment, her expression thoughtful. "Amanda and I were having issues again. Not sure why we set each other off so much, just that she always seems to get me angry without fail. Well, she did something, the aura thing she does and she understood...The whole time I've had this collar on, it's been like people think it's all about me, that I'm not thinkin' about anyone else, that I'm in my own world and yeah, I haven't exactly helped that by going all sullen withdrawn girl but it was like they just wanted me to get better or to get out of their face. I know it's not really like that but Amanda, she saw and it was like this moment, it was just too much. To have someone I don't even really get along with be the only person who really sees, it was like I could let it go. I couldn't do that with anyone else but it just didn't seem to matter with her, maybe it's because I don't care what she thinks of me but it helped."

"Friends... aren't always the best people for us to talk to. They have a stake in our well-being, as it were, and it hurts them to see us in pain, so they don't always react well. And it must have been difficult for them to understand your reaction when you had apparently been coping with everything since the attack perfectly well. Not that you were or that you were expected to," he added, seeing Jubilee's expression darken. "And Amanda... well, I understand you two don't get along, but you are very similar people. And she is a lot more perceptive than people give her credit for, even without this new-found magic trick with the auras. It could be she just saw something of herself in you, and reacted accordingly. Patience isn't her strong suit." He made a wry face. "To say the least. And I'm glad you see it that way, as letting go at the time that felt right."

Charles tapped quietly on the door before wheeling himself in, smiling at both the room's current occupants. "My apologies for the delay; this has been a remarkably eventful few days. How are you feeling, Jubilee?"

Jubilee grinned at Xavier. "Hey Chuck, I'm doin' all right. Sam and I were just talkin' about my week."

"'Eventful' is one way of putting it, Charles," said Samson with another wry smile. "But everything's under control now, I hope. And tell Moira that next time she wants to get out of having dinner with me, she doesn't need to be quite so dramatic about it."

Charles chuckled. "I'll do that--and in future, we'll be sure to schedule our emergencies around your social calendar." He settled himself roughly equidistant from Samson and Jubilee, and raised tolerantly amused eyebrows--his usual expression when dealing with Jubilee--in the girl's direction. "You've done impressively well so far, Jubilee. Do you feel you're ready to go further?"

Jubilee paused and really thought about Xavier's question, it wasn't something she was used to, thinking before acting. Yet, this time she'd need to be sure to get through it. She wondered if he could hear her thinking and then realised that was a stupid question, as he was a telepath after all. She thought she was ready, could feel the urge to fix the memories barred from her, to be whole again like a pushing against her mind, urging her forwards even when it scared the hell out of her. She was ready, more then any other time in her life she knew what she wanted and she knew she was ready to do this.

"I think so, Chuck. I really think so."

Samson, after exchanging a look with Charles, took the lead. "Now, as I explained, I'll be leading you through your memories of the night the mansion was attacked, whilst Charles monitors your mind and emotional state, and keeps you calm and centred. Whenever you want to stop, just to have a break, or to stop completely, let me or Charles know and we will. You're in control here, Jubilee. When you're ready, pick a point during that night that you wish to begin at, and tell me what happened."

Charles settled back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap and dropping into a light trance; he would simply watch, to begin with, and step in only if he were needed. This was, after all, Jubilee's struggle--and, in fact, at least for now there _was_ nothing for him to do. He wondered if she knew how centered she really was, and if she realized it was her own doing rather than any of his.

Jubilee closed her eyes, it always seemed to help when she was nervous to cut out external distractions. She'd been taught to meditate as part of her self defence training and it had seemed to help in the sessions with Samson.

"I'd stayed up late, there was going to be this StarGate marathon on, the third season. I'd made myself popcorn and this huge cup of coca cola. About the third episode in I desperately needed to go to the bathroom. The commercials were on so I thought if I was really quick I could get it done and be back before I missed anything."

Jubilee was feeling hesitant, her hand slipping upwards to slide across the collar against her throat, as though looking for reassurance that it was there, she sighed as her hand touched the cool metal and continued.

"Wasn't much to say about the trip to the bathroom, I did the normal things, ya know? It wasn't until I'd pushed the door open...God, it...He was standing there and there was a gun. Just like...The barrel was pointed right in my face and I swear to God I thought I was dead. It was a split second, maybe even less then that and I was ready, you know? I was ready to die, just like that, with no fight. Why was I so ready to die?"

Her hands were shaking now, the urge to remember what happened next strong, the words tripping off her tongue in a breathless rush to be told. With each one, a small weight seemed to move itself from her soul, leaving her feeling weak with the release.

"I think you know the answer to that, Jubilee. Why _were_ you ready to die?" Samson didn't like to distract Jubilee from the events she was remembering already, but there was something else here, something buried, that he felt was central to her memory loss as a whole.

Jubilee looked at Samson with haunted eyes, sweat beads standing out on her forehead. "I..." She took a deep breath, centering herself again as she'd been taught, trying to remember what it had been on that night that had felt so familiar. Why had she been so ready to die at the sight of the barrel of that gun? And, suddenly, like the soft touch of a butterfly wing her memories opened but it wasn't the night the soldiers attacked that came but another night, one several years in the past.

"We were celebrating. I'd just won my first team competition in gymnastics and the coach had taken us all out to dinner, our parents included. Mommy and Daddy were so proud of me, I was so proud of me. I was holding my little trophy and I knew nothing bad could happen that night because everything had gone so perfectly. They were waiting for us when Daddy opened the door. I didn't see them at first, cause I was only little and Daddy was always so tall back then."

Jubilee had tugged her legs up, gripping her knees as she went into a seated foetal position.

"I didn't hear anything, just suddenly Daddy had turned around and was reaching out for Mommy and then he just fell to the ground and Mommy had knelt down beside him to see what was wrong. I walked up to them, cause it seemed so weird that Daddy would sit down on the doorstep when he could just go inside. I was right beside them when Mommy's head exploded."

Jubilee's eyes were wide with horror, her skin pale and sickly looking. "The blood, it was all over me and God, was that brains? Was that my Mommy's brains in my hair? I was shaking her, telling her she had to wake up and be okay and Daddy, Daddy was telling me he loved me and I had to be a brave girl and then...and then."

"Remember where you are, Jubilee," Charles said quietly, projecting calm and soothing her mind. "You're at the Mansion, and you're safe. The past is the past, and I know you are strong enough to remember it without letting it overwhelm you. Take a deep breath, and continue when you are ready." He allowed some of his own deep faith in her to flow down the link between them. "The journey you have taken so far has given you strength; use it now, and I believe you will find it more than sufficient for the remaining steps."

Jubilee paused, breathing deeply as she got her panic under control. She could feel the strength Xavier was feeding her and for a moment was awed at the amount of faith he seemed to have in her abilities. No one had ever believed in her like that before, it was something to hold onto, something she wanted desperately to be worthy of. She drew strength and courage from the link, and went on.

"I'm looking into the barrel of a gun, I can see the men standing in the door, one is holding a gun that's pointed at my head and it's got a funny end to it, a silencer. I look at the gun and then I look at his eyes and they're cold, like the eyes of the soldier. I'm ready to die, I know I can't escape and I know my mother and father are dead. For a second, I'm ready to join them and then I can feel my father's hand on my arm and I realise he's still alive. He tries to say something to me and the man in front of me points his weapon down and shoots my father in the head. That's when I start screaming and they run, because they know the noise will bring people. They've never found them, although I found out a long time later that the police think they mistook my father for someone else."

Samson waited a moment before speaking, to let her ground herself again. "What happened then, Jubilee?" he prompted gently. She'd already come very far, but there was still the issue of her powers to address.

Jubilee took a moment, searching back through her memories of that night.

"The police got there, asked a lot of questions but it was like I was seeing it all through this window. I was there but I really wasn't. I think they kinda realised that and I got taken to the local hospital to get checked out. They cleaned me up and since the only thing they could find wrong with me was not surprising considering what had happened, they turned me over to Social services. My parents had never really kept in contact with their relatives in China, so I guess the authorities couldn't find them."

Jubilee slumped in her seat, her head resting back against the armrest, her eyes staring at the ceiling.

"The shrinks there seemed to care more about results then actually finding out what was really wrong. I'd figured out by that time if I could fake being okay people would leave me alone. I got really damn good at flying under the radar. Anyway, the found me a foster home pretty quickly. I was still pretty young, only 8 years old, or was it 9? I can't remember anymore."

Jubilee did the mental math in her head, before realising she was getting off track and knowing it for the stalling tactic it was.

"They were good people, I think if it hadn't been for my mutancy I could have been really happy. For a couple of years there, it felt like maybe things would be okay. I stopped being afraid to sleep at night and started competition in gymnastics at school again. I did the normal stuff, had friends. I didn't do as well at school as I used to. It wasn't my foster parents' fault, they just didn't have much time to spend with me. My parents, they used to sit down in the evenings and go over school work with me, made sure I understood everything. I was a straight A student and my parents were so damn proud. But school, just didn't seem as important anymore, not after they were gone. It was like, the moment I knew I could die someday, getting a stupid letter on an even stupider piece of paper didn't count anymore."

Jubilee sighed, looking at her hands and then clenching them into fists. "It couldn't last, you know? I'm bad luck, or something. My powers finally manifested and they got scared. My foster mother had only just found out she was pregnant, they wanted to keep me with them at first but when I couldn't control it and I kept burning things. They sent me back to social services."

"You say it couldn't last, Jubilee. Why do you think that? What happened to your parents wasn't your fault." Samson spoke gently, but firmly, wanting to push the point.

Jubilee held Samson's gaze for some time before answering. "You sure about that? If we hadn't stayed out so late, maybe they never would have gotten into the house. If I'd screamed the moment I saw Dad fall down, maybe they wouldn't have shot Mom. If I'd done something, instead of just standing there..."

Jubilee wiped at her face, angrily, not wanting the release of tears right now. "They put me with a second family after that but that didn't exactly turn out great either."

"You were a child, what, eight, nine years old? These men, from what you describe, were trained killers - your everyday burglar doesn't carry a silencer. They had made a choice to do what they did, and I doubt your family being home at the time, or you screaming earlier would have changed the way things turned out." Samson's tone intensified. "It wasn't your fault, Jubilee. Now, tell me about this second foster family. Why didn't things turn out so well?"

Jubilee nodded, really thinking about what Samson had said. She had been a child and it wasn't her fault, as much as the pain and fear she'd carried with her from that night had made her want to think there was a way to have stopped it, she finally realised that there was no way. She could not then have affected the outcome of that night, no matter how much she wished it had been different.

"It was alright at first. They knew I was a mutant, I guess they must have thought I needed a family more then any of the other kids. They were nice people, just your average couple. I was older then, was going to turn twelve at the end of that year. Things went really well for the rest of that year and most of the next and then they laid off my foster father just after Christmas."

"Things got difficult financially?" Samson guessed, more to give Jubilee time to think about the memories as well as just recounting them.

Jubilee shook her head. "Not that you'd have noticed. My foster mother got a promotion around the same time and so she was gone a lot more but for the most part the financial situation wasn't the problem. I guess, I don't know, my foster father just started drinking one day. Maybe it was being out of work, he was kinda old fashioned in a way, thought of himself as the bread winner. It wasn't much at first, not that you'd notice. But then, this one night I came home to see them having this huge fight and she slammed out of the house in this massive hissy fit and he came barreling out after her and I was just standing there in shock and he must not have seen me because he kinda tripped over me and we both went down."

Jubilee's eyes were distant, reliving the moment in the past, the first time she'd ever been hit by an adult in anger.

"He just started whaling on me. I could smell the drink on him and I swear I think he thought I was her. It hurt like hell and I was screaming for him to stop but he didn't. Then, he just kinda passed out and I crawled out from under him and just sat there, waiting for something, I don't know what."

Jubilee ran a finger over the scars on her face, her face a mask, revealing nothing. It was only her eyes that showed the pain.

"I don't know if that was like, the breaking point or something but he was drunk a lot after that. She'd come home later and later and I don't even think she noticed the bruises and cuts on me. I used to come home from school sometimes and have to clean him up. If I could get him cleaned up and sober before she came home, they wouldn't have an argument and I'd be safe. He almost never hit me unless they'd been havin' a fight. Least, that's how it was at first. It got worse after that."

"Jubilee," Charles said softly, compassionately. "I know that this is hard for you, but it will only be harder if you cut yourself off from your emotions. You must face them if they are not to rule you, and I'm afraid the only way to do that is to let them out. Leonard and I are here for you--we will catch you if you fall, I promise--but please remember that it was burying your emotions that brought you here."

Jubilee took a deep breath, and then nodded. "I thought it was my fault, that I must have been doing something wrong for him to hit me so often. But I could never figure out what it was because nothing I did seemed to cause it, or stop it. I started hating when she'd come home, because as soon as she left again it'd start. Then this one night, he just didn't stop and I got so scared, I thought I was going to die and I burnt him. I just let it go, all the control I'd managed to get over my powers. I guess I wasn't as strong as I am now, cause I just burnt him, rather then blowing his head off. But it was the same feeling, the same sick fear inside. I ran after that, grabbed some clothes and stuff as I could hear him screaming in the dining room and I ran. Never even found out if he was okay, you know? I know he must have been burnt pretty bad, third degree on his hands at least. I just didn't care and I guess that's when I first realised that I could leave, if I wanted to. That I was in control of my life and that there was no one that had the right to...I don't know, I guess that no one had the right to take my life from me and up to that point, I'd never really thought about it."

Jubilee sat back for a second, her eyes thoughtful as she felt at the edges of the block to her memory of those last moments and then finally, with a sigh, pushed the barrier away, remembering it all finally.

"I killed that soldier and I meant to kill him. I was ready to die and then I remembered that night, when I decided that no one had the right to kill me and I reached out and ended his life before he could end mine. That's why I forgot, that's why my powers went out of control. Because I chose to kill someone with them and it wasn't an accident. In the end, I decided my life was worth more then his and I don't regret it one damn bit."

Samson nodded. "Sometimes we're put into situations that force us to make difficult decisions. Causing another's death... I can't say I condone that, but you were in an extreme situation, a situation in which you had no control, and acted the only way you felt you could at the time." He exchanged a look with Charles, and went on. "But you have those memories back, and you understand why you did what you did, and why you reacted the way you did. You've come a long way, adn we're proud of you."

Jubilee nodded, finally relaxing as she realised the ordeal was over, that she remembered everything now. "It hurts, to know I killed someone, at least with my foster father, I kinda knew he'd survive. I can't help but think if I had more control, I might not have had to kill him. But that's like, something I can fix right? I can learn control and I can make sure it never has to happen again."

"You can indeed." Charles smiled. "Especially now that you've consciously decided to, on your own, instead of simply attending the powers classes because they're on your schedule. We can speak with Scott regarding extra sessions, or if you would prefer you can certainly work with me. As Leonard said, you've done very well."