Shatterstar & Arthur | Choosing Yourself
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xp_logsArthur interrupts Shatterstar's video conversion work to discuss Haller's departure, but talk turns to bigger matters of identity, roles, and moving forward.
"Sorry," came a bright, chipper voice outside the rec room.
The outline of Arthur's face was lit against the darkness of the workspace by the hallway's light, but it was matched by the grainy figure including a still-framed much younger Arthur superimposed on a smaller workscreen. This got both an enthusiastic finger point and a delighted smile.
"I remember that. One single camera short for the entire sequence," the man said, moving more into the doorframe. He didn't enter the room fully. "Do you have some time, Shatterstar?"
For Arthur? He always had time.
"Nothing to be sorry for. Here, let me move this," Shatterstar said, starting to move papers away from being spread out on the floor in front of him.
He had some schoolwork in front of him he was tentatively making an effort with while he monitored the film running and made sure the process went smoothly as things went from VHS to digital. The movie was currently paused as Shatterstar had been changing the lighting on the digital end to try to clear up some of the grain. This was more of an experiment than just ripping the VHS wholesale since the quality was... Poor at best.
"Huh," and Arthur was now up in the room and inspecting the screen more closely, "I had forgotten how wonderfully artsy that project was." His voice was practically wistful. "Old school. Real cinéma vérité meets arthouse, and, well, swords."
He cleared his throat and straightened, more serious. "I wanted to talk about Haller."
"I'm not getting in the middle of any fights you are having," Shatterstar said with a resolute nod as he set his boundary. Shatterstar appreciated and respected Arthur, but not that much. He'd had enough of that from his friends who were his own age. He didn't need it from hispseudo father figures adult friends.
That said, he was nosy and entirely curious as to why Jack had snubbed Arthur the way he did. "What do you want to talk about though?" Shatterstar moved so Arthur would have space to sit if he chose.
"We're not fighting," Arthur said a little too immediately. There was a shuffle as he situated himself happily into the spot offered, criss cross applesauce. The older man gave Shatterstar's scatter schoolwork a once over before crinkling his nose and immediately putting it out of his mind. There were more important matters. "You," and he offered this carefully, "know more of Haller than I do. I only know Jim, really. Can I ask what Jack said to you, or is that too private?"
"He was just letting me know that they were leaving for a while," Shatterstar said with a shrug. "And that it wasn't going to be dangerous." That summed up the exchange and Shatterstar hadn't pushed for more from Jack. He knew, even if it seemed like Arthur didn't, that Jack didn't offer information easily. And if Arthur didn't really know Jack then that explained why he didn't say goodbye, as far as Shatterstar was concerned.
After all, Jack was an asshole.
"And you know Davey, so I'd say we're even."
The older man shrugged. "I think I made Jack smash a trash can once. Or, well, that might have been Jim. Now that was likely a fight. This is . . . " Arthur trailed off, staring at his hands in thought.
"Well if it was a fight with Jack, that makes sense," Shatterstar said, not at all surprised that Arthur and Jack had fought. "And it could be worse. We destroyed a tree when I fought with Jack. A trash can is nothing." He had his attention on the laptop in front of him as he continued to mess with the lighting. Satisfied, he let the movie start playing again, turning his attention to Arthur.
"It was Jim, I think," Arthur corrected absently, still stuck in his own thoughts. "But, Jack's power. That's all I get of Jack or Cyndi. Just hints." He sighed and looked at Shatterstar. "Jim had to put my mind back together back when I first got here, and I've been a mess lately."
"I didn't know Jim was qualified to put anyone back together," Shatterstar said and it was mostly a joke. However, there was some true doubt, despite all of the help he had provided for he and Benjamin.
He paused and tugged a braid as he thought. "Are you together again from January?" He asked, trying to make it seem casual.
Arthur stared at Shatterstar, unblinking, as his mind struggled to catch up. There might not have been a thought behind his eyes.
Finally, "Jim saved me, once." He shook his head. "Many folks here can say the same thing."
The doubt was just from knowing Jim differently than most people knew him. Shatterstar of course knew Jim saved so, so many people. So many people, it was easy to be jealous of them. He nodded at the statement.
"He's good," Shatterstar agreed. "He's a good man."
"Anyway," Arthur moved on, "January." He sighed, doubtfully he could put this into words. Let alone words that Shatterstar might understand. "Physically I'm feeling better — back to handstands and hitting bullseyes. It is just up here." He tapped a temple. "Losing my luck showed me that I don't really know who I am."
"So?" Shatterstar said with an unimpressed shrug. It wasn't that he wasn't sympathetic, though maybe he wasn't as much as he should be, but self had never seemed as set in stone to him. It was hard to understand why Arthur seemed upset about it.
This got the older man's full attention, though, and he raised both eyebrows. He did not say "so what?" or "go on," but instead waited patiently for Shatterstar to continue.
"Just decide who you want to be." Shatterstar said, catching a glimpse of his own face in the screen of the laptop in front of him. It was no longer as unfamiliar as it had once been. "Then do that." He stared at the face of Gaveedra-Seven on the screen, Arthur's face, what he had once been a copy of.
He'd never had his own self except what he had decided to make for himself. "That's what I did."
"That simple, huh?" This got an honest laugh. "I got very good at playing who I thought I needed to be. Theater. Acting." He smiled sadly. "That's what I did, way back before, and I thought I could just play myself like I was in a role here."
"Well it doesn't work if you look at it as a role." Shatterstar said, rolling his eyes like Arthur wasn't getting something obvious. "You have to decide what you want to become." He jabbed a finger in Arthur's chest. "Then make yourself that, not just pretend to be it. But it doesn't work unless you actually want it."
"That simple," Arthur repeated. His smile had flattened in thought. "Jim said something similar, but there are a lot of options. How did you pick?"
Shatterstar took the question very seriously and thought for some time about his answer. He had hardly crafted himself in one day. "I chose traits I admired or thought might be advantageous. I had a base to remove or add from," here he glanced at the screen again and away from Arthur. "But I decided to try different things until it became real. Or real enough. It's an ongoing process."
Arthur let out a soundless chuckle as he followed Shatterstar's gaze. "Gaveedra-Seven, the Prince of Blades. Time tossed hero of the Cadre Alliance." He studied the screen. "I'm afraid I would only make a poor copy. You're right, though — real enough is a good enough goal to work toward."
"I started as a copy of him," Shatterstar confessed so quietly it was hard to hear. He cleared his throat slightly and looked more seriously at Arthur. "Real enough is the only way to move forward. And we must move forward." He reached out to put his hand by Arthur's.
"I think you're much more interesting," Arthur added cheerily. His attention was drawn by the movement, however, and he beamed with fondness. "I had wanted to tell you why Haller left, but I think it is your turn for questions. He can wait."
"I guess the question is, what are you going to do?" Shatterstar asked. He didn't want to admit that he feared that as Arthur built himself there would be no space for Shatterstar left. Or even worse, no place for Xavier's and he wouldn't even get to see Arthur anymore. He knew Haller said he was coming back but... "Are you going to stay?"
Arthur's blue eyes — searching, confused — snapped to Shatterstar. "Why would I leave?"
"To try being someone outside of here," Shatterstar said with a slight shrug that betrayed his uncomfortableness, feeling slightly foolish for thinking that Arthur would leave when his whole life was here.
"I see," the older man said. He put a hand to his chin in thought. "I could. I could travel the world, look for the true meaning of life. Go back to Hollywood and make an incredibly dramatic return to the screen. The thing is — I could do lots here too. Be an X-Man, fight villains. Travel through that crazy wormhole they have over in the chapel. Become James Bond." His smile quirked into a grin, then, although Arthur had always felt a grin was more a state of mind than a set of the lips. "Is it wrong I don't want any of that? I want," he continued slowly, "to do as much good as I can. I want to help the people everyone forgets while fighting those villains or playing spy games. I had made myself the guy I thought others needed to do that — a lucky charm. That's the guy who's got to go. Me? I'm not giving up anyone I care about." And, because subtly was neither for Arthur or teens, "That includes you."
Shatterstar flushed at the acknowledgement that Arthur cared about him. The knowledge that Arthur wasn't going to leave him came at the price of being recognized as wanting Arthur to stay, it seemed. He looked away from Arthur for a moment and cleared his throat. "There you go. You decided something you want- that's the first step to deciding who to make yourself."
This got a real laugh, cheerful and pleased. "Look at that — you were right." Arthur's tone sobered, "There is something I've learned from all of this. I think the first step isn't the real one that matters, but it isn't the end either."
"You have the whole runtime to consider," Shatterstar said in agreement, looking to Arthur again.
"Oooh," a grin spread across the older man's face, "that's good, and I might steal it for later." He met Star's eyes, still intent. "What I think, though, is that the next step is the one that I'm going to focus on." His smile broadened, and the seriousness was gone. "Okay. That's enough big speeches for today. Tell me," and he gestured at all of the equipment and the system, "About all of this. Apparently I missed a project."
"Okay," Shatterstar said, glad to explain things he liked to others. He turned to Arthur and began to talk.
"Sorry," came a bright, chipper voice outside the rec room.
The outline of Arthur's face was lit against the darkness of the workspace by the hallway's light, but it was matched by the grainy figure including a still-framed much younger Arthur superimposed on a smaller workscreen. This got both an enthusiastic finger point and a delighted smile.
"I remember that. One single camera short for the entire sequence," the man said, moving more into the doorframe. He didn't enter the room fully. "Do you have some time, Shatterstar?"
For Arthur? He always had time.
"Nothing to be sorry for. Here, let me move this," Shatterstar said, starting to move papers away from being spread out on the floor in front of him.
He had some schoolwork in front of him he was tentatively making an effort with while he monitored the film running and made sure the process went smoothly as things went from VHS to digital. The movie was currently paused as Shatterstar had been changing the lighting on the digital end to try to clear up some of the grain. This was more of an experiment than just ripping the VHS wholesale since the quality was... Poor at best.
"Huh," and Arthur was now up in the room and inspecting the screen more closely, "I had forgotten how wonderfully artsy that project was." His voice was practically wistful. "Old school. Real cinéma vérité meets arthouse, and, well, swords."
He cleared his throat and straightened, more serious. "I wanted to talk about Haller."
"I'm not getting in the middle of any fights you are having," Shatterstar said with a resolute nod as he set his boundary. Shatterstar appreciated and respected Arthur, but not that much. He'd had enough of that from his friends who were his own age. He didn't need it from his
That said, he was nosy and entirely curious as to why Jack had snubbed Arthur the way he did. "What do you want to talk about though?" Shatterstar moved so Arthur would have space to sit if he chose.
"We're not fighting," Arthur said a little too immediately. There was a shuffle as he situated himself happily into the spot offered, criss cross applesauce. The older man gave Shatterstar's scatter schoolwork a once over before crinkling his nose and immediately putting it out of his mind. There were more important matters. "You," and he offered this carefully, "know more of Haller than I do. I only know Jim, really. Can I ask what Jack said to you, or is that too private?"
"He was just letting me know that they were leaving for a while," Shatterstar said with a shrug. "And that it wasn't going to be dangerous." That summed up the exchange and Shatterstar hadn't pushed for more from Jack. He knew, even if it seemed like Arthur didn't, that Jack didn't offer information easily. And if Arthur didn't really know Jack then that explained why he didn't say goodbye, as far as Shatterstar was concerned.
After all, Jack was an asshole.
"And you know Davey, so I'd say we're even."
The older man shrugged. "I think I made Jack smash a trash can once. Or, well, that might have been Jim. Now that was likely a fight. This is . . . " Arthur trailed off, staring at his hands in thought.
"Well if it was a fight with Jack, that makes sense," Shatterstar said, not at all surprised that Arthur and Jack had fought. "And it could be worse. We destroyed a tree when I fought with Jack. A trash can is nothing." He had his attention on the laptop in front of him as he continued to mess with the lighting. Satisfied, he let the movie start playing again, turning his attention to Arthur.
"It was Jim, I think," Arthur corrected absently, still stuck in his own thoughts. "But, Jack's power. That's all I get of Jack or Cyndi. Just hints." He sighed and looked at Shatterstar. "Jim had to put my mind back together back when I first got here, and I've been a mess lately."
"I didn't know Jim was qualified to put anyone back together," Shatterstar said and it was mostly a joke. However, there was some true doubt, despite all of the help he had provided for he and Benjamin.
He paused and tugged a braid as he thought. "Are you together again from January?" He asked, trying to make it seem casual.
Arthur stared at Shatterstar, unblinking, as his mind struggled to catch up. There might not have been a thought behind his eyes.
Finally, "Jim saved me, once." He shook his head. "Many folks here can say the same thing."
The doubt was just from knowing Jim differently than most people knew him. Shatterstar of course knew Jim saved so, so many people. So many people, it was easy to be jealous of them. He nodded at the statement.
"He's good," Shatterstar agreed. "He's a good man."
"Anyway," Arthur moved on, "January." He sighed, doubtfully he could put this into words. Let alone words that Shatterstar might understand. "Physically I'm feeling better — back to handstands and hitting bullseyes. It is just up here." He tapped a temple. "Losing my luck showed me that I don't really know who I am."
"So?" Shatterstar said with an unimpressed shrug. It wasn't that he wasn't sympathetic, though maybe he wasn't as much as he should be, but self had never seemed as set in stone to him. It was hard to understand why Arthur seemed upset about it.
This got the older man's full attention, though, and he raised both eyebrows. He did not say "so what?" or "go on," but instead waited patiently for Shatterstar to continue.
"Just decide who you want to be." Shatterstar said, catching a glimpse of his own face in the screen of the laptop in front of him. It was no longer as unfamiliar as it had once been. "Then do that." He stared at the face of Gaveedra-Seven on the screen, Arthur's face, what he had once been a copy of.
He'd never had his own self except what he had decided to make for himself. "That's what I did."
"That simple, huh?" This got an honest laugh. "I got very good at playing who I thought I needed to be. Theater. Acting." He smiled sadly. "That's what I did, way back before, and I thought I could just play myself like I was in a role here."
"Well it doesn't work if you look at it as a role." Shatterstar said, rolling his eyes like Arthur wasn't getting something obvious. "You have to decide what you want to become." He jabbed a finger in Arthur's chest. "Then make yourself that, not just pretend to be it. But it doesn't work unless you actually want it."
"That simple," Arthur repeated. His smile had flattened in thought. "Jim said something similar, but there are a lot of options. How did you pick?"
Shatterstar took the question very seriously and thought for some time about his answer. He had hardly crafted himself in one day. "I chose traits I admired or thought might be advantageous. I had a base to remove or add from," here he glanced at the screen again and away from Arthur. "But I decided to try different things until it became real. Or real enough. It's an ongoing process."
Arthur let out a soundless chuckle as he followed Shatterstar's gaze. "Gaveedra-Seven, the Prince of Blades. Time tossed hero of the Cadre Alliance." He studied the screen. "I'm afraid I would only make a poor copy. You're right, though — real enough is a good enough goal to work toward."
"I started as a copy of him," Shatterstar confessed so quietly it was hard to hear. He cleared his throat slightly and looked more seriously at Arthur. "Real enough is the only way to move forward. And we must move forward." He reached out to put his hand by Arthur's.
"I think you're much more interesting," Arthur added cheerily. His attention was drawn by the movement, however, and he beamed with fondness. "I had wanted to tell you why Haller left, but I think it is your turn for questions. He can wait."
"I guess the question is, what are you going to do?" Shatterstar asked. He didn't want to admit that he feared that as Arthur built himself there would be no space for Shatterstar left. Or even worse, no place for Xavier's and he wouldn't even get to see Arthur anymore. He knew Haller said he was coming back but... "Are you going to stay?"
Arthur's blue eyes — searching, confused — snapped to Shatterstar. "Why would I leave?"
"To try being someone outside of here," Shatterstar said with a slight shrug that betrayed his uncomfortableness, feeling slightly foolish for thinking that Arthur would leave when his whole life was here.
"I see," the older man said. He put a hand to his chin in thought. "I could. I could travel the world, look for the true meaning of life. Go back to Hollywood and make an incredibly dramatic return to the screen. The thing is — I could do lots here too. Be an X-Man, fight villains. Travel through that crazy wormhole they have over in the chapel. Become James Bond." His smile quirked into a grin, then, although Arthur had always felt a grin was more a state of mind than a set of the lips. "Is it wrong I don't want any of that? I want," he continued slowly, "to do as much good as I can. I want to help the people everyone forgets while fighting those villains or playing spy games. I had made myself the guy I thought others needed to do that — a lucky charm. That's the guy who's got to go. Me? I'm not giving up anyone I care about." And, because subtly was neither for Arthur or teens, "That includes you."
Shatterstar flushed at the acknowledgement that Arthur cared about him. The knowledge that Arthur wasn't going to leave him came at the price of being recognized as wanting Arthur to stay, it seemed. He looked away from Arthur for a moment and cleared his throat. "There you go. You decided something you want- that's the first step to deciding who to make yourself."
This got a real laugh, cheerful and pleased. "Look at that — you were right." Arthur's tone sobered, "There is something I've learned from all of this. I think the first step isn't the real one that matters, but it isn't the end either."
"You have the whole runtime to consider," Shatterstar said in agreement, looking to Arthur again.
"Oooh," a grin spread across the older man's face, "that's good, and I might steal it for later." He met Star's eyes, still intent. "What I think, though, is that the next step is the one that I'm going to focus on." His smile broadened, and the seriousness was gone. "Okay. That's enough big speeches for today. Tell me," and he gestured at all of the equipment and the system, "About all of this. Apparently I missed a project."
"Okay," Shatterstar said, glad to explain things he liked to others. He turned to Arthur and began to talk.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-20 03:33 am (UTC)"So?"
I love Shatterstar.
What's interesting here is that both characters have been trying on identities as a way to build themselves up, but while Arthur considers his roles to play Shatterstar is actively incorporating them into who he wants to be. It's a fundamentally different approach based equally on life experience and outlook. That attitude must be easier to embrace for Star, who grew into a natural dissection of identity, than Arthur, who had so much of what made the foundations of his stripped away.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-20 11:07 pm (UTC)"You," and he offered this carefully, "know more of Haller than I do. I only know Jim, really." - I loved this, too, partly because I think Haller's DID gives a particular insight into how we come to know the people we love and what that means for different people at different times.
"But I decided to try different things until it became real. Or real enough. It's an ongoing process." Conner, this is so, so good - what a perfect character insight.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-25 03:58 am (UTC)