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xp_logsNow that Haller is back from Muir, he takes the oppurtunity to talk to Shatterstar about his experience with Arcade.
VHS digitization was probably not considered a glamorous job, but there was already a room in the library set up for viewing media. With preservation efforts now officially sanctioned a semi-permanent transfer setup had been installed. It was a quiet place to work -- and, perhaps, have a private conversation.
As Jim had hoped, the room was occupied. The telepath smiled and gently rapped on the doorframe to announce his presence.
"Hey. Topaz said you might be in here."
"You're back," Shatterstar said, looking up from where he was making covers for the DVD cases that Topaz had purchased.
He didn't want to sound too excited, but it was hard to hide how his face lit up slightly. He hadn't fully believed, after all, that Jim would actually return.
The older man returned the smile without any of Shatterstar's reserve. He moved to join Shatterstar at the table and settled in the chair across from him. "Yeah, as of yesterday. Sorry I didn't find you earlier -- long flight on top of the time difference. I laid down after unpacking and woke up at two in the morning. How've you been holding up?"
Shatterstar wasn't sure if Jim was asking about in general or with the aftermath of the kidnapping. He spun the sharpie in his hand like a butterfly knife. Instead he focused on the fact that Jim had sought him out as someone to speak to right away.
"I am glad you are home."
"Me, too. And I'm glad you're getting paid for work you're doing anyway. That was a nice piece of news to get after the other one. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you then." This was a fact Jim had done his fair share of perseverating on, but that was no one's fault but his own. Burying himself in self-recriminations wouldn't help Shatterstar. His smile dimmed to something more solemn as he studied the young man across from him. "I know you've had a few weeks to sit with it, but I wanted to ask how you're doing. About the kidnapping, I mean. How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," Shatterstar said and willed it to be true. One step after another and no looking back was how he wanted to take it. And he didn't want Jim to know his shame- it was bad enough Jessie and Terry knew.
He wasn't upset with Jim for not being there, not anymore. He had only been mad when he thought Jim was lying about coming home and had abandoned him- and the rest of the mansion of course.
"Benji said it was difficult." Actually what Benji had said was that Shatterstar had cried. Jim couldn't imagine Shatterstar would have shared this information himself, and the fact Benji had offered it meant the boy must have been more shaken than he'd like to admit. The telepath studied him with concern.
"That's the second time you've been put in a serious situation here, right?" he asked. "This and the fighting in New York a few months ago."
Shatterstar had really, really hoping that Jim wouldn't remember that or at least wouldn't bring it up. Didn't he see he didn't want to talk about this? Shatterstar wished he could have the satisfaction of glaring at Benji for saying anything in the first place.
"I'm fine now," Shatterstar said simply and then added "I talked to Terry," in hopes that would be good enough for Haller.
The fact that he reacted badly and it hadn't even been his first serious situation was so shameful.
Jim gave Shatterstar a crooked smile -- the type that clearly communicated he understood the young man's discomfort, but didn't intend to let him sweep the issue under the rug. "Terry's a great person to talk to. What about Arthur?"
That was low, to ask if he had talked to Arthur. Had Arthur told Haller he had been avoiding talking to him? Arthur wouldn't get it and then he would hate him.
"No," Shatterstar said and wrote a title on the side of the DVD case, sharpie pressing hard into the plastic.
Jim watched him for a moment, as if considering which way to go with this information. Then he sat back in his chair with a slight nod.
"I can't really get on your case for that," the telepath said. "I didn't talk to him when I was on Muir, either."
Shatterstar had expected as much. It may have been unfair they were both avoiding him at the same time. Shatterstar wondered if Haller had some sort of secret shame he was hiding from Arthur too.
Would it be as bad, as selfish as wanting someone else to die in your place?
Shatterstar's expression turned dark as he thought about that again. It didn't matter what anyone else said- it was cowardly. It was so, so selfish.
Again Jim let the silence breathe, still watching Shatterstar's face.
"Benji said something about Jessie trying to sacrifice herself for you," he continued after a moment. "Fortunately it didn't come to that, but I can't imagine how that felt. I'm sure she only offered what made sense for her. For you, though . . . that's a big thing to absorb. Almost like a debt, maybe."
Shatterstar made a humming noise so that it didn't seem like he was ignoring Haller even though he wasn't looking at him. He tugged on one of his braids as he thought about what he wanted to say. It was easier to confess things to Haller than Arthur or Terry, and it had been weighing on him no matter how much he didn't want to talk about it.
"She asked me to tell her mother if she died."
The only sign of Jim's concern was a deep furrow between his brows. He kept his voice level, non-judgemental. "That's a difficult weight to carry. What did it feel like, when she asked that of you?"
"I would have done it." It wasn't an answer, not really.
"I know. I think you're someone who takes their promises seriously." The older man paused again. He watched Shatterstar for a long moment, his blue and brown eyes on the boy's averted gaze.
"I know you're upset Benji told me what happened," Jim said, "but I'm glad he did. Sometimes, I hate it . . . but other times I feel like we're lucky that we have someone who'll put words to things we can't. Who let us not have to be the ones to take that step. Some emotions are too big to keep to yourself. They eat you from the inside, like a cancer."
"Was it selfish to let her, even when I knew she had family to go home to?" Shatterstar asked finally after a few moments of silence. Jim was an X-Man, sure, but he also had Cyndi and Davey to protect. He would understand.
He was the only one who could really make the call for Shatterstar.
"Never feel guilty that you recognize your life has value. Would Jessie have offered to give hers if she didn't think so, too?" The voice was still Jim's, but the blue of his right eye had bleached to grey. It wasn't only the telepath speaking now. Jim rested an elbow across the table and leaned towards Shatterstar, narrowing the distance between them by degrees. "If you'd pushed Jessie to do it maybe I would have a different answer, but that isn't what happened. Survival is hardwired in us. That's true for everyone, but our systems are designed for it. The situation just usually isn't so literal. Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and Benji, and she offered you the chance to do it. You have nothing to be ashamed of for accepting it."
"Then why do you keep almost dying for others? Shouldn't I do that too?" Shatterstar asked in a small voice, glancing away from the gray eye and to the blue one instead. "I wanna be like you," he mumbled.
There was a short bark of a laugh. "You don't want to be like Jim," said the older man, and this time the reply was all Jack. The alter leaned back in the chair, widening the distance again. "Jim can run himself ragged but he doesn't get to throw our life away. Understand, not all situations are equal. We didn't go to Oregon expecting to die. We knew it was a possibility, but we also knew what was already happening. What would keep happening if nobody stepped in. The flood, the riot -- that was all part of it. It was already closing in on us." Something in those words managed to communicate that Jack meant specifically residents of the mansion -- and, even more specifically, Shatterstar.
"Sometimes the math adds up like that," Jack continued, "and in that case you make a choice. But it's gotta be worth it. If you're set on paying with your life, be smart in how you spend it."
"Isn't saving a life smart about it though? I'm not even-" Shatterstar cut himself off from the rest of the sentence. I'm not even a real person.
But then, he didn't want to argue with Jack. Shatterstar wouldn't have changed his decision. At the end of the day, it was his job to protect this body, this life.
"I'm glad I didn't die," he confessed instead.
There was a split-second where it seemed as if Jack might call him out on his thoughts. The older man had had a lifetime to cycle through all the doubts and dysphoria that came with their shared disorder and, if he didn't know the actual substance of Shatterstar's thoughts, could almost certainly have made a good guess.
But perhaps it was for that reason that he didn't.
The psi rose from the chair, circled across the table to Shatterstar, and pulled the young man into a tight hug.
"Yeah, well, same," said Cyndi into Shatterstar's braid. The pyrokinetic pulled back far enough that he could see her grin. "And like, I'm glad you didn't volunteer to get murdered or whatever, but also maybe try not to die generally. Some of us like you, y'know."
Shatterstar tensed at the hug and then awkwardly patted Cyndi. "I like you too," he said. "I'm glad you guys came back."
The alter made a move as if to muss his hair, then stopped herself. Even she knew to respect Shatterstar's hair-care efforts.
"Didn't actually get a choice," she remarked, releasing him from the grip of spontaneous affection. "Arthur and Sooraya literally dragged us back from Scotland. You better talk to Arthur, by the way, because now that Jimminy's back I bet you're next on his hit list." Cyndi flashed him another smile, this one considerably less feral. "Don't worry, I bet he's not anything but happy you didn't die. He's just that kind of guy, y'know? No judgement, just vibes."
Shatterstar groaned a little. "Fine. But only because he and Jim made up."
VHS digitization was probably not considered a glamorous job, but there was already a room in the library set up for viewing media. With preservation efforts now officially sanctioned a semi-permanent transfer setup had been installed. It was a quiet place to work -- and, perhaps, have a private conversation.
As Jim had hoped, the room was occupied. The telepath smiled and gently rapped on the doorframe to announce his presence.
"Hey. Topaz said you might be in here."
"You're back," Shatterstar said, looking up from where he was making covers for the DVD cases that Topaz had purchased.
He didn't want to sound too excited, but it was hard to hide how his face lit up slightly. He hadn't fully believed, after all, that Jim would actually return.
The older man returned the smile without any of Shatterstar's reserve. He moved to join Shatterstar at the table and settled in the chair across from him. "Yeah, as of yesterday. Sorry I didn't find you earlier -- long flight on top of the time difference. I laid down after unpacking and woke up at two in the morning. How've you been holding up?"
Shatterstar wasn't sure if Jim was asking about in general or with the aftermath of the kidnapping. He spun the sharpie in his hand like a butterfly knife. Instead he focused on the fact that Jim had sought him out as someone to speak to right away.
"I am glad you are home."
"Me, too. And I'm glad you're getting paid for work you're doing anyway. That was a nice piece of news to get after the other one. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you then." This was a fact Jim had done his fair share of perseverating on, but that was no one's fault but his own. Burying himself in self-recriminations wouldn't help Shatterstar. His smile dimmed to something more solemn as he studied the young man across from him. "I know you've had a few weeks to sit with it, but I wanted to ask how you're doing. About the kidnapping, I mean. How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," Shatterstar said and willed it to be true. One step after another and no looking back was how he wanted to take it. And he didn't want Jim to know his shame- it was bad enough Jessie and Terry knew.
He wasn't upset with Jim for not being there, not anymore. He had only been mad when he thought Jim was lying about coming home and had abandoned him- and the rest of the mansion of course.
"Benji said it was difficult." Actually what Benji had said was that Shatterstar had cried. Jim couldn't imagine Shatterstar would have shared this information himself, and the fact Benji had offered it meant the boy must have been more shaken than he'd like to admit. The telepath studied him with concern.
"That's the second time you've been put in a serious situation here, right?" he asked. "This and the fighting in New York a few months ago."
Shatterstar had really, really hoping that Jim wouldn't remember that or at least wouldn't bring it up. Didn't he see he didn't want to talk about this? Shatterstar wished he could have the satisfaction of glaring at Benji for saying anything in the first place.
"I'm fine now," Shatterstar said simply and then added "I talked to Terry," in hopes that would be good enough for Haller.
The fact that he reacted badly and it hadn't even been his first serious situation was so shameful.
Jim gave Shatterstar a crooked smile -- the type that clearly communicated he understood the young man's discomfort, but didn't intend to let him sweep the issue under the rug. "Terry's a great person to talk to. What about Arthur?"
That was low, to ask if he had talked to Arthur. Had Arthur told Haller he had been avoiding talking to him? Arthur wouldn't get it and then he would hate him.
"No," Shatterstar said and wrote a title on the side of the DVD case, sharpie pressing hard into the plastic.
Jim watched him for a moment, as if considering which way to go with this information. Then he sat back in his chair with a slight nod.
"I can't really get on your case for that," the telepath said. "I didn't talk to him when I was on Muir, either."
Shatterstar had expected as much. It may have been unfair they were both avoiding him at the same time. Shatterstar wondered if Haller had some sort of secret shame he was hiding from Arthur too.
Would it be as bad, as selfish as wanting someone else to die in your place?
Shatterstar's expression turned dark as he thought about that again. It didn't matter what anyone else said- it was cowardly. It was so, so selfish.
Again Jim let the silence breathe, still watching Shatterstar's face.
"Benji said something about Jessie trying to sacrifice herself for you," he continued after a moment. "Fortunately it didn't come to that, but I can't imagine how that felt. I'm sure she only offered what made sense for her. For you, though . . . that's a big thing to absorb. Almost like a debt, maybe."
Shatterstar made a humming noise so that it didn't seem like he was ignoring Haller even though he wasn't looking at him. He tugged on one of his braids as he thought about what he wanted to say. It was easier to confess things to Haller than Arthur or Terry, and it had been weighing on him no matter how much he didn't want to talk about it.
"She asked me to tell her mother if she died."
The only sign of Jim's concern was a deep furrow between his brows. He kept his voice level, non-judgemental. "That's a difficult weight to carry. What did it feel like, when she asked that of you?"
"I would have done it." It wasn't an answer, not really.
"I know. I think you're someone who takes their promises seriously." The older man paused again. He watched Shatterstar for a long moment, his blue and brown eyes on the boy's averted gaze.
"I know you're upset Benji told me what happened," Jim said, "but I'm glad he did. Sometimes, I hate it . . . but other times I feel like we're lucky that we have someone who'll put words to things we can't. Who let us not have to be the ones to take that step. Some emotions are too big to keep to yourself. They eat you from the inside, like a cancer."
"Was it selfish to let her, even when I knew she had family to go home to?" Shatterstar asked finally after a few moments of silence. Jim was an X-Man, sure, but he also had Cyndi and Davey to protect. He would understand.
He was the only one who could really make the call for Shatterstar.
"Never feel guilty that you recognize your life has value. Would Jessie have offered to give hers if she didn't think so, too?" The voice was still Jim's, but the blue of his right eye had bleached to grey. It wasn't only the telepath speaking now. Jim rested an elbow across the table and leaned towards Shatterstar, narrowing the distance between them by degrees. "If you'd pushed Jessie to do it maybe I would have a different answer, but that isn't what happened. Survival is hardwired in us. That's true for everyone, but our systems are designed for it. The situation just usually isn't so literal. Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and Benji, and she offered you the chance to do it. You have nothing to be ashamed of for accepting it."
"Then why do you keep almost dying for others? Shouldn't I do that too?" Shatterstar asked in a small voice, glancing away from the gray eye and to the blue one instead. "I wanna be like you," he mumbled.
There was a short bark of a laugh. "You don't want to be like Jim," said the older man, and this time the reply was all Jack. The alter leaned back in the chair, widening the distance again. "Jim can run himself ragged but he doesn't get to throw our life away. Understand, not all situations are equal. We didn't go to Oregon expecting to die. We knew it was a possibility, but we also knew what was already happening. What would keep happening if nobody stepped in. The flood, the riot -- that was all part of it. It was already closing in on us." Something in those words managed to communicate that Jack meant specifically residents of the mansion -- and, even more specifically, Shatterstar.
"Sometimes the math adds up like that," Jack continued, "and in that case you make a choice. But it's gotta be worth it. If you're set on paying with your life, be smart in how you spend it."
"Isn't saving a life smart about it though? I'm not even-" Shatterstar cut himself off from the rest of the sentence. I'm not even a real person.
But then, he didn't want to argue with Jack. Shatterstar wouldn't have changed his decision. At the end of the day, it was his job to protect this body, this life.
"I'm glad I didn't die," he confessed instead.
There was a split-second where it seemed as if Jack might call him out on his thoughts. The older man had had a lifetime to cycle through all the doubts and dysphoria that came with their shared disorder and, if he didn't know the actual substance of Shatterstar's thoughts, could almost certainly have made a good guess.
But perhaps it was for that reason that he didn't.
The psi rose from the chair, circled across the table to Shatterstar, and pulled the young man into a tight hug.
"Yeah, well, same," said Cyndi into Shatterstar's braid. The pyrokinetic pulled back far enough that he could see her grin. "And like, I'm glad you didn't volunteer to get murdered or whatever, but also maybe try not to die generally. Some of us like you, y'know."
Shatterstar tensed at the hug and then awkwardly patted Cyndi. "I like you too," he said. "I'm glad you guys came back."
The alter made a move as if to muss his hair, then stopped herself. Even she knew to respect Shatterstar's hair-care efforts.
"Didn't actually get a choice," she remarked, releasing him from the grip of spontaneous affection. "Arthur and Sooraya literally dragged us back from Scotland. You better talk to Arthur, by the way, because now that Jimminy's back I bet you're next on his hit list." Cyndi flashed him another smile, this one considerably less feral. "Don't worry, I bet he's not anything but happy you didn't die. He's just that kind of guy, y'know? No judgement, just vibes."
Shatterstar groaned a little. "Fine. But only because he and Jim made up."
no subject
Date: 2024-04-18 12:02 am (UTC)A very good thoughtful of Star's thoughts and tribulations that's full of a lot of great listening by Haller and confessions by Star. The full trio offering their input was great to see, matched which Star opening up in a way I don't think he could with anyone else.
Oof, that hits hard. I also particularly like this description of body language description to describe Star's processing — Shatterstar made a humming noise so that it didn't seem like he was ignoring Haller even though he wasn't looking at him. He tugged on one of his braids as he thought about what he wanted to say.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-18 01:32 am (UTC)