Sam and Paige | Aftermath
Aug. 2nd, 2024 11:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsTW: CSA Mention, Mentioned threat of physical violence, mentioned child neglect, mentioned gun violence, mentioned parental death
Sam plans on talking to Paige about Kyle's Shakespeare idea- she doesn't let him get away with just that.
Sam wasn't necessarily...looking for Paige, nor was he particularly interested in spending time with his family right now, but on the other hand, Kyle had mentioned a project Paige would enjoy and if he was doing it to help out a friend...it was different. He was so glad his therapist had blocked out a good length of time for him in the next week.
"Paige! Hey!" He called, jogging after her. "So Kyle had an idea to help get the Gen X kids interested in Shakespeare and was wonderin' if you'd be willin' to record the out damn spot monologue from Macbeth for 'im?"
Paige stopped and turned at the sound of Sam’s voice. “Hmm? Yeah of course. Sounds fun.”
It had been a few days since she had seen her brother, which was understandable after the…everything that had happened. Paige hadn’t seen all of it and she knew that, but she was still concerned about how Sam was holding up. Looking him up and down with a critical eye, she could tell his smile was a little too forced. “How are you doing, Sammy? Hardly seen you around.”
"Fine. Stayin' with Clint." Sam said, maybe too quickly. "Tryin' to unlax after all...that. Y'know?"
“You gotta minute? We can talk in my room if you want.” Paige tried not to look as concerned as she felt.
"I love you, we are goin' to my room. I can't deal with the state of yers." Sam said with a strained smile. This had been what he was avoiding, and why he hadn't been in his suit except to sneak his clothes out of it. "Whatcha wanna talk about? You doin' alright?"
“Yeah, I’m alright. Gettin’ ready to start my fall classes an’ my shoulder’s healin’ up just fine.” Paige sat down at Sam’s desk chair, attempting to give him some room. “So…you revealed somethin’ pretty big right before the gun went off. How are you doin’?” She wasn’t exactly trying to play therapist right now, but how else was she supposed to address what Sam had told them about Lila?
"Fine." Sam's voice was clipped even though he knew Paige didn't deserve that. "I've been dealin' with it for years now, Paige, and my therapist has blocked out pretty much a whole day to talk to me about what went on at home next week so I'm good. Really."
She blinked at him as she processed. “You got a therapist? Since when?”
"January. I was seein' her once a week we cut back to every other week but I think I'll be goin' every week after all that....for a while at least." Sam licked his lips awkwardly and watched her, lips in a thin line. "We good now?"
“Good,” Paige said, trying to hide her surprise that Sam was willing to talk to someone about his problems. “I’m glad you’re doin’ that. Still wanna check up on you, though. Can I do anythin’ for you? Jay said you ain’t been in the suite much.” She didn’t want to pry, but someone should be keeping tabs on where everyone was.
"I've been at Clint's." Sam repeated, voice a bit strained. "Y'know, focusing on me and all that good shit. Takin' a break."
“Ok. Good.” Paige picked at the hem on her shirt. “…We don’t have to talk. I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.” She wasn’t sure why Sam seemed so stressed about talking to her.
"I just...." Sam sighed. "I just need a break from bein' a Guthrie for a while. Y'know?"
He hoped she'd understand but was fairly certain that all the admission would do was upset her further. How did he keep messing everything and everyone up?
"Yeah...I suppose I can understand that," she sighed. Though, Sam wanting a break from family was sort of worrying for him. "Just...promise me if you need anythin', anythin' at all, you'll let me know? Just 'cause everythin's been goin' to shit lately doesn't mean I ain't here for you."
Sam felt his lip quiver and knew that he’d hate the next words out of his mouth even if they were true. “Are you though? Cause from where I’ve been sittin fer years I’ve been there for everyone else even when gettin calls in Scotland and when it comes time for Sam I just gotta make do.”
Paige frowned. “Well, I’m tryin’ but you keep actin’ like if I ask you another question, you’re gonna run away. And it’s not like you mentioned any of this before.” She was trying, but Sam had never leaned on her before and how was she supposed to know if anything was wrong when he never told her?
Sam closed his eyes and breathed heavily. "Yeah well, it's a bit hard to feel like you can talk to folks who don't ever mention the fact that they know yer sneakin' out in the middle of the night, and who only seem to call when it's time for Sammy to fix somethin' and then when I get 'how are things Sam?' and I mention that hey, I just went through a break-up, or hey, my apartment literally flooded and I'm technically homeless the topic immediately moves onto when am I comin' home and what am I bringin' and what can I do fer others."
Sam's lip was definitely wobbling now. All these years and he still hated showing weakness in front of Paige- the weight of her disappointment was always too much to bear. "It's hard to talk to people who seem more interested in what role you can fill than who you are, Paige. With y'all I gotta be Sam Guthrie, I gotta be the one who makes the decisions, and who fixes things, and who takes care of everyone even when I'm fallin' apart at the seams. I didn't even get to mourn Daddy with everyone because someone had to make sure the heat stayed on and everyone was fed and we didn't get separated in foster care. I don't know how to talk to people that expect me to fill two roles at once and then get upset when I act like Daddy when that's all I got to be for almost a decade. It's just....easier if I talk to people who only want me to be Sam, whatever that looks like. I can't be everythin' to everyone Paige. I never wanted to be."
Seeing Sam cry was making Paige emotional. Sam never cried, though she was now realizing that was because he was never allowed to. Getting up, she pulled Sam into a hug. “God, Sam, I’m so sorry, I should have helped more and-“
"Don't." His voice was harsher than he meant it. "For God's sake Paige you think I didn't know what I was doin? That I wasn't very aware that only one of us was gettin' out? That I didn't know exactly what I was doin' when I gave you my college money? There was no point in both of us losin' our sense of self and any hope of a future, and I was already doin' it. I'm just mad that it fell onto y'all's shoulders when I left......I'd made my peace with my decisions, Paige. Ain't no use in you feelin' guilty over my choices."
The college money still stung. He'd spent far too many nights laying awake wondering if the reason he'd never seen Daddy as one of the spectral spectators back home was because he'd broken the promise he made to the man on his death-bed. Had Daddy known that he was lying through his teeth as he promised to keep the money for himself? It probably wouldn't hurt so bad if Paige didn't seem to act like he wasn't smart. Why did she never seem to acknowledge that she was only book read because Sam made sure she'd had the chance. He'd graduated two years early with a 4.0 while working part time- he could have gone to college. Should have. But only one of them was going to get out, and he'd known since they were just little which one of them he'd prefer it to be.
Paige pulled back and almost burst into tears herself. “Samuel, you did what?”
Logically, she should have known it was Sam’s college money, but whenever she had asked about affording college, Sam had brushed her off with a “don’t worry about it.” Eventually, she just didn’t. But of course it had been Sam’s college fund, he was the oldest. Rage burned through Paige for not being told, but maybe she hadn’t wanted to know.
“I…I’m so sorry,” was all she could think to say to him.
"I don't even know what I'd'a gone for. Ain't no use in you bein' sorry when you've gone and showed us all what I already knew you were capable of." He let out a shaky sigh. "'Sides, you hadn't seemed too upset to take the money, and at least this way it went towards what it was meant for rather than some house expense."
“I weren’t upset because you didn’t tell me when I asked.” Paige wanted to shake him. Instead, she pulled him back into the tightest hug she could manage. “You deserved that chance, too. You would’a figured out what you wanted to do…and you shouldn’t have let me take that from you.”
"Can't take somethin' if it were offered freely." Sam whispered. "I jus'- y'ever feel like you were so close to figurin' somethin' out and then you get interrupted and you gotta start from scratch all o'er again? And nobody who might'a been able to help will listen when you try to figure it out?"
“Yeah,” Paige lied. Honestly, she had never felt that way because Sam had always been there for her. He was the one who always helped her figure it out…and it never should have been that way.
She loosened her grip on Sam a little, not enough to let him out of the embrace but enough that she didn’t feel like she was trying to strangle him anymore. “We ain’t been much of a family lately, have we?”
The tears came freely as Sam shook with the force of them. "Lucinda threatened to never let me come home again- she also threatened to beat me in front of my coworkers but that didn't hurt as much....I don't ever wanna live in that house again but - they're my kids Paige. What am I without 'em? Who am I without them? I barely know who I am, Paige. I was so close."
Once again, Paige was dumb with shock. Somehow, their Mama- no, Lucinda managed to get worse every time they saw her.
“Ok. I know we just talked about you needin’ a break and to be you so smack me if you hate this idea but…what if we got you custody?” There were plenty of people who would support Sam back home if he tried to get custody. Lucinda wouldn’t have half a chance. Of course, that would come with its own complications and worries but hopefully better ones. And Paige would be around to help this time, no matter what Sam said.
"Ellie'd need to get comfortable with a whole lotta shit first. God knows Jeb won't leave without a fight. And I couldn't do anything with the twins without talkin' to Jay first." Sam replied automatically. Obvious that it was something he'd given thought to. "But right now I'm useless to everyone. I can't hardly be in the same place as y'all without feelin' like I'm shakin' apart."
Sam pressed his face into her shoulder and tried to stop the tears as his whole body shook. "I couldn't even handle you three comin' up without losin' myself all over again. How am I supposed to take care of the kids?"
Paige rubbed comforting circles into Sam’s back. “Ain’t nothin’ gotta happen immediately, you can take your time gettin’ to a better place. Lewis and Ray Sr. are down there and they can help keep an eye on the kids if anythin’ gets too out of hand. And we can definitely come up with some more ways to get Lucinda back for how she treated you. As for takin’ care of ‘em…you’re not doin’ that again. They’re our family and we’re gonna treat ‘em as such.”
Was this the best solution? Definitely not, but it was all Paige could come up with without begging their extended family for help.
"Is it stupid that I'm kinda glad Clint wasn't there?" Sam asked quietly once he managed to get his breathing under control again. "I...I don't know that I'm ready for him to see me in that role. 'S one thing to know that I raised the kids and another to see it......I still just want him to see me as Sam."
“No, I think that makes a lot of sense.” Paige took a deep breath, trying to stop her own tears. “I’m really glad you have him. And I’m sorry I was such a bitch about him before. If he makes you happy, that’s all that matters.”
Sam laughed wetly and finally hugged his sister back. “Y’know- this is the youngest I’ve felt in a while, I almost feel my age.”
That started the tears anew and he made a pitiful noise that could have been commentary on the situation or his frustration at succumbing to tears. In a small voice he whispered. “I wish Daddy was here.”
Paige gave a sort of wet hiccup sound in response. “We all do.”
She patted his back before finally moving out of his embrace again. “You look tired. Maybe you should lie down for a bit? Might help you calm down before goin’ back to Clint’s room.” They were far from being done talking about everything that had come up, but Sam needed a break after all that. If she were being honest with herself, she needed some time to process as well.
“God, yeah,” he breathed, shaky. Even still he followed her advice and laid down on the bed. “Heaven forbid one’a the Gen X’ers saw me like this…….I’ll stay here a spell…….I’m sorry, Paige.”
“Y’ain’t got nothin’ to apologize for, Sammy. Just get some rest, yeah?” In her opinion, Paige had so much more to apologize to him for than he did to her.
She closed Sam’s bedroom door carefully behind her before taking a deep breath to ground herself enough to get across the hallway. Didn’t want anyone asking why she was crying any more than Sam did.
One quick jog across the hall, and Paige was safe in her room to start really crying. She hadn’t known just how bad it had been for Sam, and now that she did, she had no idea how she could have missed it. It had been so obvious, but instead Paige had taken her chance to leave and hadn’t really looked back. Hell, even Joelle had called her on it. Maybe she hadn’t asked enough questions. She definitely hadn’t done enough to help. Now she didn’t know what to do. Paige sat down on the bed and shoved her face into a pillow, hoping nobody would come looking for her for a while.
Sam plans on talking to Paige about Kyle's Shakespeare idea- she doesn't let him get away with just that.
Sam wasn't necessarily...looking for Paige, nor was he particularly interested in spending time with his family right now, but on the other hand, Kyle had mentioned a project Paige would enjoy and if he was doing it to help out a friend...it was different. He was so glad his therapist had blocked out a good length of time for him in the next week.
"Paige! Hey!" He called, jogging after her. "So Kyle had an idea to help get the Gen X kids interested in Shakespeare and was wonderin' if you'd be willin' to record the out damn spot monologue from Macbeth for 'im?"
Paige stopped and turned at the sound of Sam’s voice. “Hmm? Yeah of course. Sounds fun.”
It had been a few days since she had seen her brother, which was understandable after the…everything that had happened. Paige hadn’t seen all of it and she knew that, but she was still concerned about how Sam was holding up. Looking him up and down with a critical eye, she could tell his smile was a little too forced. “How are you doing, Sammy? Hardly seen you around.”
"Fine. Stayin' with Clint." Sam said, maybe too quickly. "Tryin' to unlax after all...that. Y'know?"
“You gotta minute? We can talk in my room if you want.” Paige tried not to look as concerned as she felt.
"I love you, we are goin' to my room. I can't deal with the state of yers." Sam said with a strained smile. This had been what he was avoiding, and why he hadn't been in his suit except to sneak his clothes out of it. "Whatcha wanna talk about? You doin' alright?"
“Yeah, I’m alright. Gettin’ ready to start my fall classes an’ my shoulder’s healin’ up just fine.” Paige sat down at Sam’s desk chair, attempting to give him some room. “So…you revealed somethin’ pretty big right before the gun went off. How are you doin’?” She wasn’t exactly trying to play therapist right now, but how else was she supposed to address what Sam had told them about Lila?
"Fine." Sam's voice was clipped even though he knew Paige didn't deserve that. "I've been dealin' with it for years now, Paige, and my therapist has blocked out pretty much a whole day to talk to me about what went on at home next week so I'm good. Really."
She blinked at him as she processed. “You got a therapist? Since when?”
"January. I was seein' her once a week we cut back to every other week but I think I'll be goin' every week after all that....for a while at least." Sam licked his lips awkwardly and watched her, lips in a thin line. "We good now?"
“Good,” Paige said, trying to hide her surprise that Sam was willing to talk to someone about his problems. “I’m glad you’re doin’ that. Still wanna check up on you, though. Can I do anythin’ for you? Jay said you ain’t been in the suite much.” She didn’t want to pry, but someone should be keeping tabs on where everyone was.
"I've been at Clint's." Sam repeated, voice a bit strained. "Y'know, focusing on me and all that good shit. Takin' a break."
“Ok. Good.” Paige picked at the hem on her shirt. “…We don’t have to talk. I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.” She wasn’t sure why Sam seemed so stressed about talking to her.
"I just...." Sam sighed. "I just need a break from bein' a Guthrie for a while. Y'know?"
He hoped she'd understand but was fairly certain that all the admission would do was upset her further. How did he keep messing everything and everyone up?
"Yeah...I suppose I can understand that," she sighed. Though, Sam wanting a break from family was sort of worrying for him. "Just...promise me if you need anythin', anythin' at all, you'll let me know? Just 'cause everythin's been goin' to shit lately doesn't mean I ain't here for you."
Sam felt his lip quiver and knew that he’d hate the next words out of his mouth even if they were true. “Are you though? Cause from where I’ve been sittin fer years I’ve been there for everyone else even when gettin calls in Scotland and when it comes time for Sam I just gotta make do.”
Paige frowned. “Well, I’m tryin’ but you keep actin’ like if I ask you another question, you’re gonna run away. And it’s not like you mentioned any of this before.” She was trying, but Sam had never leaned on her before and how was she supposed to know if anything was wrong when he never told her?
Sam closed his eyes and breathed heavily. "Yeah well, it's a bit hard to feel like you can talk to folks who don't ever mention the fact that they know yer sneakin' out in the middle of the night, and who only seem to call when it's time for Sammy to fix somethin' and then when I get 'how are things Sam?' and I mention that hey, I just went through a break-up, or hey, my apartment literally flooded and I'm technically homeless the topic immediately moves onto when am I comin' home and what am I bringin' and what can I do fer others."
Sam's lip was definitely wobbling now. All these years and he still hated showing weakness in front of Paige- the weight of her disappointment was always too much to bear. "It's hard to talk to people who seem more interested in what role you can fill than who you are, Paige. With y'all I gotta be Sam Guthrie, I gotta be the one who makes the decisions, and who fixes things, and who takes care of everyone even when I'm fallin' apart at the seams. I didn't even get to mourn Daddy with everyone because someone had to make sure the heat stayed on and everyone was fed and we didn't get separated in foster care. I don't know how to talk to people that expect me to fill two roles at once and then get upset when I act like Daddy when that's all I got to be for almost a decade. It's just....easier if I talk to people who only want me to be Sam, whatever that looks like. I can't be everythin' to everyone Paige. I never wanted to be."
Seeing Sam cry was making Paige emotional. Sam never cried, though she was now realizing that was because he was never allowed to. Getting up, she pulled Sam into a hug. “God, Sam, I’m so sorry, I should have helped more and-“
"Don't." His voice was harsher than he meant it. "For God's sake Paige you think I didn't know what I was doin? That I wasn't very aware that only one of us was gettin' out? That I didn't know exactly what I was doin' when I gave you my college money? There was no point in both of us losin' our sense of self and any hope of a future, and I was already doin' it. I'm just mad that it fell onto y'all's shoulders when I left......I'd made my peace with my decisions, Paige. Ain't no use in you feelin' guilty over my choices."
The college money still stung. He'd spent far too many nights laying awake wondering if the reason he'd never seen Daddy as one of the spectral spectators back home was because he'd broken the promise he made to the man on his death-bed. Had Daddy known that he was lying through his teeth as he promised to keep the money for himself? It probably wouldn't hurt so bad if Paige didn't seem to act like he wasn't smart. Why did she never seem to acknowledge that she was only book read because Sam made sure she'd had the chance. He'd graduated two years early with a 4.0 while working part time- he could have gone to college. Should have. But only one of them was going to get out, and he'd known since they were just little which one of them he'd prefer it to be.
Paige pulled back and almost burst into tears herself. “Samuel, you did what?”
Logically, she should have known it was Sam’s college money, but whenever she had asked about affording college, Sam had brushed her off with a “don’t worry about it.” Eventually, she just didn’t. But of course it had been Sam’s college fund, he was the oldest. Rage burned through Paige for not being told, but maybe she hadn’t wanted to know.
“I…I’m so sorry,” was all she could think to say to him.
"I don't even know what I'd'a gone for. Ain't no use in you bein' sorry when you've gone and showed us all what I already knew you were capable of." He let out a shaky sigh. "'Sides, you hadn't seemed too upset to take the money, and at least this way it went towards what it was meant for rather than some house expense."
“I weren’t upset because you didn’t tell me when I asked.” Paige wanted to shake him. Instead, she pulled him back into the tightest hug she could manage. “You deserved that chance, too. You would’a figured out what you wanted to do…and you shouldn’t have let me take that from you.”
"Can't take somethin' if it were offered freely." Sam whispered. "I jus'- y'ever feel like you were so close to figurin' somethin' out and then you get interrupted and you gotta start from scratch all o'er again? And nobody who might'a been able to help will listen when you try to figure it out?"
“Yeah,” Paige lied. Honestly, she had never felt that way because Sam had always been there for her. He was the one who always helped her figure it out…and it never should have been that way.
She loosened her grip on Sam a little, not enough to let him out of the embrace but enough that she didn’t feel like she was trying to strangle him anymore. “We ain’t been much of a family lately, have we?”
The tears came freely as Sam shook with the force of them. "Lucinda threatened to never let me come home again- she also threatened to beat me in front of my coworkers but that didn't hurt as much....I don't ever wanna live in that house again but - they're my kids Paige. What am I without 'em? Who am I without them? I barely know who I am, Paige. I was so close."
Once again, Paige was dumb with shock. Somehow, their Mama- no, Lucinda managed to get worse every time they saw her.
“Ok. I know we just talked about you needin’ a break and to be you so smack me if you hate this idea but…what if we got you custody?” There were plenty of people who would support Sam back home if he tried to get custody. Lucinda wouldn’t have half a chance. Of course, that would come with its own complications and worries but hopefully better ones. And Paige would be around to help this time, no matter what Sam said.
"Ellie'd need to get comfortable with a whole lotta shit first. God knows Jeb won't leave without a fight. And I couldn't do anything with the twins without talkin' to Jay first." Sam replied automatically. Obvious that it was something he'd given thought to. "But right now I'm useless to everyone. I can't hardly be in the same place as y'all without feelin' like I'm shakin' apart."
Sam pressed his face into her shoulder and tried to stop the tears as his whole body shook. "I couldn't even handle you three comin' up without losin' myself all over again. How am I supposed to take care of the kids?"
Paige rubbed comforting circles into Sam’s back. “Ain’t nothin’ gotta happen immediately, you can take your time gettin’ to a better place. Lewis and Ray Sr. are down there and they can help keep an eye on the kids if anythin’ gets too out of hand. And we can definitely come up with some more ways to get Lucinda back for how she treated you. As for takin’ care of ‘em…you’re not doin’ that again. They’re our family and we’re gonna treat ‘em as such.”
Was this the best solution? Definitely not, but it was all Paige could come up with without begging their extended family for help.
"Is it stupid that I'm kinda glad Clint wasn't there?" Sam asked quietly once he managed to get his breathing under control again. "I...I don't know that I'm ready for him to see me in that role. 'S one thing to know that I raised the kids and another to see it......I still just want him to see me as Sam."
“No, I think that makes a lot of sense.” Paige took a deep breath, trying to stop her own tears. “I’m really glad you have him. And I’m sorry I was such a bitch about him before. If he makes you happy, that’s all that matters.”
Sam laughed wetly and finally hugged his sister back. “Y’know- this is the youngest I’ve felt in a while, I almost feel my age.”
That started the tears anew and he made a pitiful noise that could have been commentary on the situation or his frustration at succumbing to tears. In a small voice he whispered. “I wish Daddy was here.”
Paige gave a sort of wet hiccup sound in response. “We all do.”
She patted his back before finally moving out of his embrace again. “You look tired. Maybe you should lie down for a bit? Might help you calm down before goin’ back to Clint’s room.” They were far from being done talking about everything that had come up, but Sam needed a break after all that. If she were being honest with herself, she needed some time to process as well.
“God, yeah,” he breathed, shaky. Even still he followed her advice and laid down on the bed. “Heaven forbid one’a the Gen X’ers saw me like this…….I’ll stay here a spell…….I’m sorry, Paige.”
“Y’ain’t got nothin’ to apologize for, Sammy. Just get some rest, yeah?” In her opinion, Paige had so much more to apologize to him for than he did to her.
She closed Sam’s bedroom door carefully behind her before taking a deep breath to ground herself enough to get across the hallway. Didn’t want anyone asking why she was crying any more than Sam did.
One quick jog across the hall, and Paige was safe in her room to start really crying. She hadn’t known just how bad it had been for Sam, and now that she did, she had no idea how she could have missed it. It had been so obvious, but instead Paige had taken her chance to leave and hadn’t really looked back. Hell, even Joelle had called her on it. Maybe she hadn’t asked enough questions. She definitely hadn’t done enough to help. Now she didn’t know what to do. Paige sat down on the bed and shoved her face into a pillow, hoping nobody would come looking for her for a while.
