xp_logs | Sam and Jay

xp_icarus posting in

Backdated to August 5 Sam and Jay talk about what was revealed about Sam's history back in Kentucky.

TW: Discussion of rape

There was only so much poetry you could write, and songs you could strum to ponder on a a pain that weren't your own and you didn't understand. He would have to talk to Sam. He wanted to understand. He wanted to... Try to show he cared. To say he's heard about Lila, and he was sorry for h

Jay had never been good at talking to Sam. So he made it as nonchalant as he could, both sitting in the suite and not doing much of anything.

"I'm thinkin' on selling the electric."

Sam froze and tried to come across as casual as Jay was trying to be. "Yeah? Any particular reason?"

"I've been thinkin' on it," Jay said slowly, trying to stay calm and not make anything sound like anything other than a light conversation unless Sam decides to make it so. "And I don't know about owning anything from," He paused. "Her."

It was embarrassing how long it had taken him to put the pieces together about that Lila Cheney woman Sam'd been seeing and where his electric guitar came from.

"It's yer guitar Jay." Sam said, swallowing hard. "You do what you want with it."

"D'ya mind if I ask something about it?"

"Ask whatever you want." Sam said, hoping his voice didn't seem strained. Honestly, he was surprised Jay still had the guitar given how much of a fit he'd thrown over Sam giving it to him.

Jay had to know if it was just a gift from Sam or something that had been tainted by belonging to someone who had hurt his brother in... That way. If it was a reminder or not. "We're it just her money what bought it or were it hers?"

Sam sighed and turned to look Jay in the eye as he spoke. "I lied to her and pretended I wanted to learn to play guitar so she'd buy me one and then I gave it to you."

"My Lord," Jay mumbled and scrubbed his hand across his face. Weren't that just the most Sam Guthrie thing ever? It almost made him mad at Sam about the guitar all over again. "What drives you to think like that?" He asked. It wasn't in condemnation of Sam, because he did get it. And why were all of them like that?

"You was gettin' into a sound that needed an electric and I wanted to make sure you had a good one that'd last when you made it big." Sam said easily, trying to force back the memories of what he'd done in exchange for the guitar, closing his eyes tightly each time he blinked as if that would help.

Jay'd been ready to start an argument about that but say that pinched, blinking expression on Sam's face was too familiar. Maybe other people had never noticed, but he'd seen it enough on Mama's face when she was trying to not think of something that hurt her and he just deflated. Just like he couldn't argue when Mama got like this, he couldn't argue with Sam when he looked like that.

And Jay was damned either way- either whatever had Sam lookin' like that was for naught or it's be a reminder of it. And a reminder to Jay of the fact he'd been the one most excited for Sam, the one keepin' his secrets.

"Ya picked a good one," he said instead.

"I had her pick." Sam said quietly. "I picked the color though. I don't even think she realized I asked for a color that I don't hardly own nothin' in."

It was green. The fact that Sam had remembered his favorite color had made him stark-ravin' mad with hurt that Sam still had left him when he had gotten it. Sam'd never wore much green, 'cept for the kinda coats you got one chance at outta hand-me-downs.

He swallowed a lump in his throat.

Jay wanted to apologize for being the one to always be the one to support Sam and his mystery woman, for not realizin' something had been off. To apologize for not realizin' about Joelle, for... Hell. Being selfish.

Instead he nodded resolutely. "I'll keep it. Y'got a point about it lastin'."

"It's yer guitar, Jay." Sam repeated. "'M honestly surprised ya still got it."

"I'm sorry," Jay says after a second. He had to say something. "I was encourangin' you to go out and hopin' you'd marry her and she... I'm sorry."

"You were twelve Jay, what the fuck were you gonna do?" Sam said, and it felt weird to say. For all that he still saw Jay as that squishy faced little twelve year old who'd came to him for a hug or advice when everything got to be too much, he had to admit that his little brother had grown into a man. A good one. Who would have done something if he'd been in charge instead of Mama. "Ain't no need to apologize for somethin' I never blamed you for, so you can quit whatever moral dilemma you've built up in yer head."

"It ain't a moral dilemma," Jay snapped in a frustrated lie. Of course it was- living was. And what had he been supposed to do? Anything! Anything except what he had done and kept his brother safe 'cause they were kin and of your family couldn't save you who could? And even if Jay hadn't realized just what was goin' on, he had still known Sam had been out there with some girl doin' only God knew what. He'd known Sam was out there sinnin' and hadn't said a damn word. He'd just thought the sinnin' was Sam's choice. "And I coulda at least tried to do anything to save you! Asked you to stay home, or told Mr. Holder you was goin' out of town, or asked to meet her more, or something!"

(Jay didn't even realize he hadn't ever thought Mama could do anything.)

"You were twelve, you were more a kid than I was. It weren't yer job to 'save me'. 'Specially not from somethin' as stupid as the idea of premarital sex, which for all you knew, that's all it was." Sam snapped, agitated. He tried to fight back the anger, to remember what they'd been taught about situations like his- but that just made him angrier. Angrier that Jay could still default to that thinking when it came to his own brother. That Jay could somehow think that this came down to a failure of Jay's ability to police Sam's behavior and his willingness to overlook Sam's 'sin'. "You weren't in Louisville, Jay. You couldn't stop me from stoppin' someone from tryin' to rob her, you couldn't stop her from thankin' me- you couldn't stop it. So there's no use in moralizin' over it. It was fucked. It happened. It's over."

But it was more, otherwise Sam wouldn't have said what he did to Joelle, would he have? And even then, even if it was just premartial sex, Sam'd been taken advantage of and... and because he had done something good. Sam's reward had been being hurt and there was no reason for that. There was no mercy in that, and no mercy in trying to do no good because Sam's reward for it had been having his heart and soul hurt. There was no reasoning to it. There was... Well, it weren't time to think about that. As for his own piece- damn it, couldn't he hurt for his brother even if Sam was refusing to not shoulder it all on his own for so many years? "But it ain't over!" Jay said back, his own voice raising a little too. How could this not be moralizing? They were supposed to take care of each other and everything was all falling apart.

"It got all repeated some by what happened with Jo- though pray to the Lord that... Well yer still affected by whatever it were that happened to ya." And Jay hoped that maybe he was wrong on both counts. He hadn't asked Joelle, but hoped that if something had happened, she'd be able to tell Paige or Mel or someone who could do more to help her. As for Sam...

"Oh for fuck's sake, if you got somethin' to ask, ask it Joshua." Sam spat, almost mean.

He hated how his shoulders tensed, how he couldn't help but pick a fight when Jay picked him apart like this. But how was he supposed to talk about it to someone who didn't want to name what it was? If Jay just asked he'd tell him, well not everything- he never wanted Jay to know about the kind of things Lila dressed him in or asked him to do, the very idea of Jay knowing made him want to shrivel up and die. Most of all he just wanted his brother to stop looking at him like he was broken, like he was something to be pitied, like he was weak. ~~Nevermind that he felt weak.~~

"I don't want to ask my big brother if he was raped!" Jay hissed to keep from yelling it and having anyone with ears hear Sam's business.

He weren't even sure that was what it was called when a woman did something like that to a boy. He'd never heard of men... well men like them, like Sam ever sayin' anthin' 'bout this stuff to anyone. Sam weren't like him, someone who was weak. Sam was so strong all the time, he didn't wanna go askin' if it would hurt his brother's pride, or make the hurt all fresh. And selfishly? He hadn't wanted the conformation that he had been part of it, even if only by twelve-year-old neglect. "And I reckoned that maybe you didn't want me to be doin' any askin'!"

"I was." Sam said plainly. "But the only person who don't seem to have a problem with that is Mama."

His voice had cracked on that last sentence, emotional in a way he didn't really want to be around Jay. The hurt from Lucinda's apathy still fresh, still reeling from her anger at the mere suggestion that things weren't okay at home after one of the kids had run away. "It weren't yer fault Jay, and you didn't have anything to do with it so please stop thinkin' it's somehow yer fault."

Jay was shaking in rage, not at Sam now. "You don't gotta tell me that!" Jay shouted before realizing that Sam was starting to get emotional and moved to sit with him instead, despite his own anger that was shaking and threatening to bubble like a pot with a lid on it. Because maybe it weren't his fault about Sam but it sure as hell was about Joelle. Because who had been supposed to look after her and see that she was okay and safe and saved? Jo might not'a been his kid like the twins were or like she were to Sam, not all the way, but she was still his girl. And if Jay hadn't been taking care of her, who had been? And why had he let himself come back north? Because who was thinking about Joelle now?

~~Why hadn't Mama done the one thing, the one thing he had trusted she would always do?~~

"You don't gotta tell me that."

"She all but told me it were my fault." Sam said quietly. "Threatened to beat me in front of everyone, threatened to never let me come home again- told me to get out after I told her I knew she was smart enough to know that things had t'change at home cause a' what happened with Elle....."

Sam leaned his head against Jay's shoulder, feeling much more like the little brother. "I always tried to keep you from the worst'a her. Guess I shouldn't've- made it hurt worse each time you defended her like she was actually doin' somethin'."

Jay held Sam to his side and rubbed his shoulder like he would one of their younger siblings. He sat there in his frustration as Sam talked and said the only other thing he had been thinking since they got home. He still couldn't face his anger at their mother.

"You think Joelle's safe? I mean, that nothin' more than we know happened that we can trust nothin's gonna happen?"

"She's talkin' to me now." Sam said quietly. "We had- we had a good long talk 'fore we left, promised to call me if anything happened. She's thinkin' bout coming up for a visit even. An' I talked to Ray and he he said he'd keep a closer eye on her for us, and Jeb told Paige an' Mel that he'd be tryin' to stick closer to her so she don't feel as alone at home now that Liz is leavin'."

Sam's head fell down towards his lap as he spoke his next words. "I- I told Lucinda that you were lookin' to take the twins with ya when you left.....I keep thinkin' - well y'know, Clint's talked 'bout my fears for the kids and the idea of bringin' 'em up but I don't....I don't know that I'd be good for it anymore."

Jay looked over Sam's shoulder rather than at him. He knew he weren't any good yo be around the twins, no matter the front he was putting up- at least no better than Mama was. There wasn't a good option between he, Sam, and Mama. And that's the way it went. Couldn't protect Joelle, Lizzie going off to college (thank the Lord), and can't protect Jeb and the twins. Couldn't protect Mama from herself. Couldn't protect anyone from the rot of emptiness that was deep inside the two of them, him and Mama.

"I'm glad you talked to her 'bout that."

Because here was the kicker: Jay hadn't. Just like he hadn't talked to Sam for years.