Blue Christmas - Jay and Sam (BACKDATED)
Dec. 24th, 2024 10:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsBackdated to Dec 24 2024 Sam is there for Jay around the anniversary of Julia's death.
Sam shut the attic door quietly behind him and sat down next to Jay on the bed they used to share. "Hey....Jeb said you'd locked yerself away up here.....can't say I ain't felt the urge myself since we got here.....you wanna talk about it? Go for a fly?"
"I ain't locked myself up here," Jay said from where he was facedown, wings out. "I've been out some." Of course, that had all been at night where he wouldn't run into anyone while visiting Julia.
For some reason though it had been hard to even face Mama.
"Been visitin' Julia?" Sam asked softly, hand hovering over his brother's back, not sure if a comforting touch would be welcome. "I....would be alright with me joinin' ya sometime? She's important to you so she's important to me....but you don't gotta say yes if you don' want me there..."
"I don't care," Jay said, muffled. "You can come if ya like."
He was just so tired. And he'd have to put on being cheery on Christmas for the kids and Mama.
Sam sighed and laid down next to his brother, similarly face down with an arm draped over Jay's back. "You do care...That's why it sucks so much." He whispered. "....Can I do anythin'?"
"Tell the kids I'm sorry I'm sick?" Jay asked, trying to joke. It was obvious it wasn't a joke though. "I'm tryin' Sammy. I am."
"I can do that...can even make you soup and play it up if you really wanna sell it.....God knows I'm helping Paige sell her and Jono enough while we're here what's another thing?" He teased. "I know yer tryin' Joshie.....I am too."
He sighed. "They know I'm ate up with my heart. They're so grown now." He moved to hold Sam's hand. "I'm sorry I'm actin' like... Like Mama." Unable to get out of bed.
Sam shook his head and squeezed his brother's hand. "You don't got nothin' to be sorry for....I'm- I'm makin' everythin' worse like always....you don't gotta apologize to me. I oughta be apologizin' to you for puttin' Lucinda in such a foul mood."
"I didn't even notice," he said guiltily. Jay had been so ate up by the past, of standing at the kitchen sink with the bare trees outside and the knives in the block that he'd hardly noticed anything while he ran up the stairs and had hardly been down since.
"This ain't about you, you know," he said, trying to assure Sam. "Ain't really about Mama neither."
“I know it ain’t about me,” Sam sighed. And selfishly some part of him was glad, relieved that Jay had said it. “Don’t mean I can’t apologize for my role in makin’ things harder than they need to be….”
He buried his face deep into the pillow. “I think she actually hates me Joshie…..maybe worse than she hates Paige….”
Jay moved to hold Sam close to him. He didn't assure Sam that their mother loved him. He didn't know how she'd been acting to him. And honestly, call him selfish, but he was too exhausted to make assurances.
"I don't hate you," is what he said instead.
Sam hugged him tight. “Don’ tell the others….but you’re my favorite brother. I’m- I’m glad yer here Jay, regardless of if yer ate up.”
"I weren't not gonna come," Jay said, not facing Sam even as they held each other. "Yer my family. I love all'a y'all."
"Love you too Jay." Sam whispered, even if that wasn't exactly what Sam had meant by 'glad yer here'. "Y'want me to stay or want some time t'yerself?"
"Stay." Jay said, and closed his eyes, letting himself lean into his brother.
Sam pulled his brother closer and closed his eyes. Nothing was okay, their mother was awful, and they had so much trauma between them it was a wonder nobody was crying. But at least this Christmas his little brother was safe in his arms, and wanted him to stay. He could do that.
"Course....'s the least I can do."
Sam shut the attic door quietly behind him and sat down next to Jay on the bed they used to share. "Hey....Jeb said you'd locked yerself away up here.....can't say I ain't felt the urge myself since we got here.....you wanna talk about it? Go for a fly?"
"I ain't locked myself up here," Jay said from where he was facedown, wings out. "I've been out some." Of course, that had all been at night where he wouldn't run into anyone while visiting Julia.
For some reason though it had been hard to even face Mama.
"Been visitin' Julia?" Sam asked softly, hand hovering over his brother's back, not sure if a comforting touch would be welcome. "I....would be alright with me joinin' ya sometime? She's important to you so she's important to me....but you don't gotta say yes if you don' want me there..."
"I don't care," Jay said, muffled. "You can come if ya like."
He was just so tired. And he'd have to put on being cheery on Christmas for the kids and Mama.
Sam sighed and laid down next to his brother, similarly face down with an arm draped over Jay's back. "You do care...That's why it sucks so much." He whispered. "....Can I do anythin'?"
"Tell the kids I'm sorry I'm sick?" Jay asked, trying to joke. It was obvious it wasn't a joke though. "I'm tryin' Sammy. I am."
"I can do that...can even make you soup and play it up if you really wanna sell it.....God knows I'm helping Paige sell her and Jono enough while we're here what's another thing?" He teased. "I know yer tryin' Joshie.....I am too."
He sighed. "They know I'm ate up with my heart. They're so grown now." He moved to hold Sam's hand. "I'm sorry I'm actin' like... Like Mama." Unable to get out of bed.
Sam shook his head and squeezed his brother's hand. "You don't got nothin' to be sorry for....I'm- I'm makin' everythin' worse like always....you don't gotta apologize to me. I oughta be apologizin' to you for puttin' Lucinda in such a foul mood."
"I didn't even notice," he said guiltily. Jay had been so ate up by the past, of standing at the kitchen sink with the bare trees outside and the knives in the block that he'd hardly noticed anything while he ran up the stairs and had hardly been down since.
"This ain't about you, you know," he said, trying to assure Sam. "Ain't really about Mama neither."
“I know it ain’t about me,” Sam sighed. And selfishly some part of him was glad, relieved that Jay had said it. “Don’t mean I can’t apologize for my role in makin’ things harder than they need to be….”
He buried his face deep into the pillow. “I think she actually hates me Joshie…..maybe worse than she hates Paige….”
Jay moved to hold Sam close to him. He didn't assure Sam that their mother loved him. He didn't know how she'd been acting to him. And honestly, call him selfish, but he was too exhausted to make assurances.
"I don't hate you," is what he said instead.
Sam hugged him tight. “Don’ tell the others….but you’re my favorite brother. I’m- I’m glad yer here Jay, regardless of if yer ate up.”
"I weren't not gonna come," Jay said, not facing Sam even as they held each other. "Yer my family. I love all'a y'all."
"Love you too Jay." Sam whispered, even if that wasn't exactly what Sam had meant by 'glad yer here'. "Y'want me to stay or want some time t'yerself?"
"Stay." Jay said, and closed his eyes, letting himself lean into his brother.
Sam pulled his brother closer and closed his eyes. Nothing was okay, their mother was awful, and they had so much trauma between them it was a wonder nobody was crying. But at least this Christmas his little brother was safe in his arms, and wanted him to stay. He could do that.
"Course....'s the least I can do."
