Day 5

[x-mactaggart.livejournal.com]

Moira and Nathan visit a local historical church but leave when Moira's bitterness towards God gets to her. They discuss religion a bit before deciding ice cream is the way to go. Later that night, they go to dinner. The talk quickly moves to them and their relationship and Nathan gets a little reckless.



Moira had to shield her eyes from the glare of the sun, even filtered through the stained glass window in the historic church she and Nathan had stumbled on. They had caught a brief snippet of how beautiful the windows were on the inside and felt intrigued enough to see for themselves.

She edged away from the woman who was feverishly praying in one of the aisles, feeling rather uncomfortable. Nathan was taking a good look at some statues on the other side, so she returned her attention to the windows.

A frown remained though. All this worship for a merciless God? Obviously, she thought wryly, these people had other ideas. Bitterness swept through her as she took in the signs of worship.

Nathan glanced away from the Byzantine statue he was examining, frowning slightly as he heard Moira's angry thoughts echo across the link. #Bad place to stop?# he sent gently, starting over in her direction.

#Maybe,# she admitted, going to meet him halfway. There was another woman, praying over a sickly child in the last aisle. #Aye, bad place. Outside, -please-?#

Nathan put his free arm around her, moving as quickly as he could with the crutch until they were outside in the dazzling sunlight. "Over here?" he suggested, inclining his head in the direction of a stone bench sticking out from the side of one of the sets of stairs leading up the cliff. Moira followed, almost passively, and he sighed as they settled down. "Should have remembered, you and churches..."

"I'm th' one who wanted ta go in," she reminded him, leaning into his side as he draped his arm over her. "Jus' a bitter old woman, I guess, who cannae 'andle watchin' people jus'...argh."

"Why does it make you so angry?" he asked, giving in to honest curiosity.

Moira thought about it, scuffing the ground with a foot. "I'm angry, I guess," she said softly, staring into the distance. "I mean, I believe in a God but...nay 'ow they do." Her frown deepened.

"This is probably something I should have been a pushy bastard about long ago," Nathan said after a moment, smiling a little. "But my own feelings on the subject are kind of ambivalent, so..."

"Yer cute when yer pushy." It was said a bit absently, but she smiled at him. "There are scientists who dinnae believe there's a God, only science. I dinnae fall inta tha' school o' thought, there're still thin's we cannae explain." The smile faded quickly. "We used ta go ta church every Sunday, even after mum died. I still--prayed, I guess, when Kevin was born. When 'e was taken from me...I stopped. God's got a lot ta apologize for before I start talkin' ta 'im..."

Nathan rubbed her back gently, feeling the tension in her muscles. "I tend to freeze up, thinking about God, or religion," he said quietly. "Not a very good sounding board, I suppose."

Slowly, she relaxed under his touches. She gave him a look. "I figured," Moira murmured. "Saw it a few times, which was I never brought up me own feelin's on it." Too much anger in what God had done, or had let happen, she knew. Even with things finally going right, it was still hard to let go of that anger.

"I don't know what would be worse," Nathan said softly. "A God who let... things happen, or a God who made things happen."

A tilt of the head showed him that she was mulling over the question. "I dinnae know," Moira responded. "Bot' are 'orrid thoughts, equally bad, I think."

Nathan shook his head, trying to push the bleakness away. "These aren't questions that have answers, any of them," he said with a sigh, turning to her and pressing his lips to her forehead for a moment. "I say we go find ice cream or something. What do you think?"

The thought of ice cream made Moira perk up slightly. "Aye, I think ice cream would be perfect right now." She shot the church one last, slightly haunted bitter look, before chasing the dark thoughts away by snuggling up to Nathan and thinking of ice cream.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a menu here he was supposed to be looking at, Nathan knew. Somewhere around here... menu, the thing he had to use to order food... which would be good! part of his brain insisted as he gazed across the table at the vision in white who was currently giving him an alarmingly sultry smile. Food was good. Very good. Pick up the menu, order the food. Don't think about ravishing your date in public. No matter how unbelievably... incandescent she looked. There was the word he was looking for.

Moira couldn't stop smiling, barely restraining herself from laughing, at Nathan's reaction. She'd picked up the dress on her last shopping trip and kept it a complete surprise from him. It was white--she remembered his reaction to the dress in 'Under a Tuscan Sun' and his thoughts to her in it--the silk keeping it smooth on her skin. It was only a little lower cut than what she normally wore but there seemed to be no complaints. The design was almost Greek like, or so the delighted waiter had told them when they arrived.

Smiling, she reached over and gently tapped Nathan's chin. "Yer face is goin' ta freeze like tha'," she teased.

"I can't help it," he said dreamily, staring at her. "You look amazing. Every man in this restaurant wants to be sitting where I am right now. Except maybe the gay waiter over there."

She very nearly snorted her water through her nose. "Ye timed tha' on purpose," Moira accused, still laughing softly, blushing a bit. "They do nay, yer exaggertin', love."

"Not one iota," he murmured, still just gazing at her. "Not one."

"Well, then I'm jus' lucky 'tis ye sittin' across from me, isnae it?" she asked, reaching for his hand. Had it been anyone else, the fact that he hadn't looked away in several minutes would have made her feel uncomfortable. But not Nathan, he'd never make her feel like that.

Nathan sensed her reflecting on that and grinned a bit foolishly, squeezing her hand. "Right. We were having dinner, weren't we?" He picked up the menu, still grinning. "I'll try not to drool on the table. It will be an effort."

"I'm sure our waiter would be verra grateful," Moira said, laughing as she looked over her menu. "So many options, nay enough room in th' stomach."

After some discussion, they settled on the mussels in wine sauce for an appetizer. Moira ordered the watercress salad and the veal scaloppini, while he opted for the red snapper, apparently a local product. The waiter seemed taken aback that they didn't order wine, but covered his surprise smoothly and suggested the lemonade. Nathan relaxed in his chair, smiling again at Moira as the young man departed.

She caught the smile as she put down her glass of water and titled her head. "Somethin' on yer mind?" Moira asked, curious about the way he was acting. She had expected good results due to the dress but never anything like this!

Nathan laughed softly. "Just... basking. I'm a lucky, lucky man."

A slight shake of her head and then she reached for his hand. There was a feeling of contentment seeping across the link and Moira decided that basking was a good idea. "I'm lucky as well," she agreed, rubbing the back of his hand gently.

For once, he didn't feel the automatic flicker of rejection at her words. "Thank you," he said softly, his voice a little thick. "For bearing with me, all these years."

A little surprised, Moira squeezed his hand. "I couldnae do otherwise," she admitted. "Jus' somethin' 'bout ye tha' kept me comin' back. Ye got me good, Nathan, even early on."

"I..." Still smiling, he swallowed. There were so many sappy things he could have said, wanted to say to her. But they were all so cliched. "It would be so easier to forget," he murmured, the words coming out almost of their own accord. "To forget there's anything else in our lives but this..."

"Aye, it would be. But I think tha' th' bad times make these all tha' much better." Moira smiled a little. "We're tempered in deeds o' our own doin', it seems, but we've come out th' better for it."

Nathan studied her for a long moment, trying to come up with more words. The right words. "This is... I mean, we're..." He sighed a little, his smile turning rueful as he realized there was no way to say this without sounding at least a little needy and desperate. "You and I. We're... it's us, right? We make an us?"

"Aye...I think we're an us," Moira said, watching him carefully. "Ye dinnae think we were or...are ye jus' makin' sure?"

He made a helpless gesture with his free hand, wrestling again with some of the conflicting feelings that they had delved into out on the volcanic island. "Scared," he said very softly, his voice a little unsteady. "Too good to be true, I think sometimes..."

"I know wha' ye mean." Moira paused, quietly noting something for future reference. "We've bot' 'ad so much bad stuff 'appen ta us tha' sometimes I think 'tis 'ard ta realize we can stop bein' scared an' jus' enjoy. I mean...ye weant us ta be an us, right?" She smiled a little wryly but sometimes it was hard for Nathan to say these things without a little poking.

Nathan took a deep, shaky breath, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest. "Want it? Yes. More than anything."

There was a smile in her eyes that would just not go away. "Scared, though?" she asked, nearly a whisper among the light chatter in the restaurant around them.

He nodded, still smiling, although the expression was getting a little strained at this point. She was still holding onto his hand tightly, as if trying to anchor him, and he was grateful for it. There was something very hard about this, partially, if not entirely, because it would be so easy, too...

"Nathan, wha's wron'?" Worry slipped into her tone as the link shook between them slightly. Her other hand joined the one holding his, and she pressed it between them gently. "Ye okay?"

"I'm good," he whispered, his throat still tight. "That's the thing I'm having such trouble wrapping my mind around. That this all feels so... good. So right."

The muscles in Moira's back unclenched at his answer and she breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm scared ta, if tha' 'elps any. I've never...I've always 'ad stron' emotions, tha's who I am, but never like this." There had been, and still was, something similar but they were two different feelings and situations. This one was new, strange, scary and wonderful all wrapped up in one bundle.

"Maybe... we both need to stop thinking so much?" Nathan suggested hesitantly. "The analytical parts of our brains are always on overdrive, I think..." He laughed a bit bleakly. "Easier said than done, I know."

She chuckled and brought his hand up so she could kiss the back of it. "We'll manage, love, we always do." Moira studied their joined hands as she thought. They were both uncertain at times, mainly due to what lay in their past--their respective marriages cast a hint of fear in moving forward. "'ard nay ta think so much," she admitted.

The waiter chose that moment to reappear with their appetizer. Nathan let go of her hands reluctantly, leaning back in his chair as the waiter arranged things for them with a minimum of fuss and then departed again, smiling.

"We could make a pact," Nathan said, only half-joking. "Agree to do three impulsive things a week?"

Moira gave him a look before smiling. "Knowin' our lives, Nathan, we'd get frustrated too easy. We can try, though, tha' never 'urt anyone."

"Okay," Nathan said brightly. Maybe it was the rather frightening amount of sun he'd been getting this week, or the fact that Moira had been doing such a good job at demolishing some of his more deeply-rooted defenses, or just the fact that she was sitting across from him looking like a dream come to life, but he was feeling oddly reckless all of a sudden. "I'll go first. Um. What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"

It took every ounce of willpower Moira had not to choke on her appetizer. Swallowing hard, she stared at him, hands shaking just a tad bit. "Wha'--now?" It was the only response that could form under the confused chaotic conditions that her mind found itself in. Her emotions were stunned, to put it lightly, but there was this...growing warmth in her mind that was starting to win against the chaos.

"Um... no?" Nathan said. "Well, unless you wanted me to. Except I think I need to sort stuff out with the Askani, and, well... hypothetically?" He played distractedly with one of the mussel shells, his eyes roaming around the restaurant. Impulsiveness wasn't as much fun as he'd thought it would be. "Because, you know, if there is an us, and I think we settled that there was, I think we ought to shout it to the mountaintops and all. Sometime. At some point. Don't you think?"

That was probably the most babble she had heard out of him in quite some time. Moira tried to gather her thoughts. "Lots o' shoutin'," she agreed, still feeling stunned. "I was jus'...surprised..." Suddenly, she stopped and concentrated. There was a hint of fear in his thoughts that she could hear through the link. Moira leaned over, took his chin in her hand, and made him look at her. "Nathan, maybe nay now...but when ye do, th' answer is *yes*," Moira told him firmly, hands shaking more.

Nathan surprised himself and her with a sudden, nervous laugh. "It is?" he asked softly. She nodded, her eyes suspiciously bright, even with the smile playing on her lips, and he took her hands in his. "Hell," he said, his lips twitching helplessly in an answering smile. "Now I've got to make it good. To make up for this. Oh, this is going to take some thought..." His hands were shaking just as badly as hers, and he found himself wrestling with a dizzying mixture of terror and joy.

The one thing about the link was that it was sometimes hard to tell whose thoughts were whose, and the thoughts and feelings would sometimes get mixed up and jumbled up, twirling together. Because Moira knew without a doubt that they were both suddenly incredibly scared and incredibly happy and that it was hard separating the feelings. "Make up for wha'?" she asked, trying to steady her voice.

"Being insecure enough that I had to check with you ahead of time?"

"But I want to," Nathan said suddenly, almost fiercely. "For every moment that got wasted, for every time I made you worry... I want to make up for all of it."

The strength of his words and thoughts took her by surprise and she found herself blinking back more tears. She stopped her mind from going back to her old memories; this was for them, not the past. "I'd love ye no matter wha' ye did," Moira said, smile lighting up her face.

And he couldn't not believe her, not with the truth shining down the link. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" he murmured, then laughed a little. "Our mussels are getting cold, I think."

"Remember, I 'ave a list," Moira reminded him, reluctantly sitting back in her chair. "Oh, aye, food...I guess we should eat..." Mentally, she reached out and caressed the link gently. "Love ye."

#Love you too,# Nathan sent back, his hands still a little shaky as he turned his attention to the mussels.