xp_logs | Manuel and Nathan, Thursday morning

It's psionics morning, and Manuel, who's been practicing his shielding diligently, is making his Askani teacher very happy. He makes even more progress, trying a variation on the basic technique. Nathan, however, isn't holding up his end of the bargain particularly well, and both Manuel and Galin call him on it.

"See, it's like this. I was practicing on Tuesday - don't look at me like that, this place was positively toxic! - and I had a thought. Maybe, instead of my shield trying to absorb all the emotions around me, maybe I could reflect them back, make the shield like the Mirror. So I did. It worked, and it was a lot easier to maintain than the fear-wall, but if I felt too deeply, the wall would break. Why is that?"

Nathan listened, dimly amused, as Galin used his voice to mutter several choice observations in Askani on Manuel's stubbornness. "Let's see," the old empath said sardonically. "Perhaps because a mirror-wall receives pressure from both sides? Not to mention the fact that it was probably as flimsy as paper, given how unpracticed you are."

Manuel ohhed softly. "That makes sense. But the mirror-wall was a lot easier to do - I could walk around, talk to people, and not just have to sit there and concentrate on keeping the wall up all the time. As it is this whole shielding business is cutting into my sex life, and that _really_ sucks."

Galin actually laughed. "Well, we can't have that, can we? Tell Uncle Galin what the problem is and we'll see what we can do."

Manuel rolled his eyes. "I cannot believe I am having this discussion." Taking a moment to steady himself, he lurched right into it. "The problem here is that when things get going, my emotions start getting involved, and then down comes the wall. While that's fine if it's just the two of us, the way things have been lately it's like dipping my brain into a gigantic shitstain of fear."

"Ah, yes. Such a thoroughly positive environment you all live in. Reminds me of Belcyra during the Hellecoi Uprising," Galin observed, but sounded almost sympathetic. "There's no immediate solution, Manuel. You need to either improve your shielding, or find someplace else to dally with your linkmate."

"Thanks a lot, Pops." he muttered under his breath. "So - basically I've got to figure out how to hang onto the thicker wall and still have enough brainpower to do something besides drool, or go be completely alone."

"More or less," Galin said with a sigh. "If you'll recall, I never promised you that this would be easy, or quick."

"That's true enough. So - back to working on the walls? And how come I can't See out when I've got the wall up? Do the walls have to be two-way, or can they block one way and still let me see out?" he asked in a rush.

"Making them porous from one side is the next step, once you can hold them reliably," Galin said. "It's really a trick of perception, not an alteration in the wall itself. Imagine a..." He paused, and Nathan could feel him searching for the word in English. "A searchlight, moving across the inside of the wall, making the bricks it touches transparent."

Manuel stopped to consider that, and then literally smacked himself on the forehead. "Of course! That makes sense. If the spot moves, it can't be easily exploited by an enemy! God, I am going to _strangle_ Kwannon if she ever resurfaces! Assuming I don't gouge out her eyes and skullfuck her."

Nathan heard a growl from one of the other two empaths and something close to a whimper from the third, and winced, shifting in his chair. "Manuel," he said, taking his voice back for a moment, "don't do that. You're upsetting your teachers."

"I'm really, really angry!" he offered by way of an explanation. "She lied to me! Constantly! And she _HID_ her lies from me, and that's even more unforgivable! I should have been able to see them! Why couldn't I see her lies? Or did I, and she wouldn't let me remember? GAH! I hate her!"

Nathan closed his eyes, shivering a little as one of the other two empaths moved forward and grabbed control for a moment. "She was the parasite you once named us," he heard himself say, his voice... lighter, somehow, the accent slightly different. "She took advantage, did her best to twist you. It's a sorrowful thing, little brother, but you must work to ensure it cannot happen again."

"Which one am I speaking to now?" he asked very politely. "Regardless, you're right. I have to make sure that no one can use me like that again."

There was a strange quivering sensation, a sense of reluctance.... "Lusanya," the empath said softly. "There will always be those who seek to use such as us, Manuel. We can be weapons, very easily. But I would not see you turned into a... thing. Nor would Galin and Evaris."

"Good. I'm tired of being someone else's weapon." he commented. "You - you fear me. Why is that?" he asked Lusanya. "I will not hurt you."

Nathan frowned, tilting his head as the female empath's glittering presence vanished abruptly, retreating back into the sky inside his mind. "She's... nervous, I think," he said slowly. "I don't think it's you. I think it's speaking up at all..."

Manuel shrugged. "So long as it's not me."

"No... she genuinely wants to help you. She's just afraid of something." Nathan paused, listening inwardly. "I think Galin and Evaris have gone to talk to her for a minute. Guess that means we take a brief break... she is the shielding specialist, after all."

Manuel nodded, and streeeetched out his still-too-lanky frame. "A break would be nice. I'm thirsty."

Nathan gestured over at the side table. "Brought a couple of bottles of water. Figured we might need it to take aspirin with if nothing else." He offered a faint smile.

Manuel looked over, grinned, and snagged a bottle of water. Uncapping it, he drained a third of the bottle in one long thirsty swallow. "Ahhhh." he said afterwords. "Better."

"You're doing well," Nathan said quietly. "Galin might not be vocal with the praise, but he's feeling it. Although I guess you probably sense that."

Manuel nodded. "Yeah, I got that feeling." he said with a smirk. "And the walls are great, they really are, but they're a LOT of work. I have no idea how you folks walk around all buttoned up all the time."

"We telepaths?" Nathan shrugged. "Not much of a choice. We shield properly, or we go mad." He smiled, again very faintly. "Or large groups of people from the future move into our heads, if there's much difference between the two."

"None at all from where I sit." he smirked. "And it's no better for empaths - we lose ourselves in the push and pull of everyone around us. I spent a lot of years living like that, and looking back on it, it kinda sucked. I could shield, kind of, but it left me incredibly vulnerable to one person, instead of mostly vulnerable to everyone."

"Then it's a good thing you met my brainsucking parasites from the future, isn't it?" Nathan said lightly.

Manuel groaned. "Don't start with me."

"I can't help it. I'm having a bad week, and you're an easy target." Nathan raised a defensive hand. "Just kidding," he said more quietly. "Mostly."

Manuel quirked an eyebrow as he looked at Nathan, unconsciously looking like a yonger non-Vulcan Spock. "It is unwise to push me too far, as I can push back fairly easily."

"I'm not going to give you reason, trust me," Nathan said dryly. "I'm not that much of a masochist."

"Yes you are." he said with a grin.

Nathan paused, considering. "Well, yes." He eyed Manuel in something close to amusement. "I'm finding this very funny. Actually feeling more relaxed sitting here with you than wandering around out there, I mean."

"That should probably terrify you, or tell you exactly how bad things have become out there." he said with the de la Rocha smirk.

"Or both," Nathan said with a snort. "~I'm hiding from the veil-swarm in the cyloraptor's nest,~" he said, and then stopped, blinking as he heard the words come out in Askani. "I've got to stop doing that," he muttered.

"Yes, you do. That's very annoying." Manuel replied, settling back in his chair and waiting for the Askani empaths to reappear. "And I really don't need another annoyance in my life. Between Ororo's playing with the weather with her emotions and everyone's worry and fear, I'm just about ready to go try to find oblivion in a bottle. It makes shielding very difficult."

"I suppose it's the empathic equivalent of throwing you into the deep end as soon as you start to learn to swim," Nathan said suddenly. "Well, except for the fact that you've been in the deep end all along..."

Manuel barked out a laugh at that. "I have never been 'in the shallow end', as you put it."

"Haven't drowned yet, though," Nathan said, a smile tugging at his lips. "Even if your doggie-paddle's been a little undignified at times so far."

Manuel rolled his eyes. "True. An undignified way of putting it, but true."

Nathan was going to reply to that, but stopped, closing his eyes as he felt Galin reemerge and reach out to take control. It wasn't as fluid as it normally was, and he frowned as Galin growled something unintelligible at him. "The matter's been taken care of," Galin said, using his voice. "Where were we?"

"So what happened?" Manuel asked, not answering Galin's question right away. "What's got her so spooked?"

"Lusanya had a more traumatic death than most of us," Galin said curtly. "Which is saying quite a bit. She's uncertain about venturing out of the safety of the little refuge Nathan's created for us."

Manuel was clearly bristling with curiousity, but for once he let it be rather than pursue it. "She has nothing to fear from me." is all he said.

"I am hoping that she'll realize that soon," Galin said with real sadness. "Until then, though, she's still willing to advise on your shielding, so it won't get in the way of your lessons."

"Good!" he said as cheerfully as he could muster. "So - what's next?"

"I want you to try something new," Galin said, more briskly. "Pick an emotion to shield with that you haven't tried yet, and we'll see how it stands up."

Manuel hrmmmed, and then nodded. "OK, give me a second to build the wall." He closed his eyes and concentrated, building his wall out of sheer apathy. A wall of negation, a wall of not-caring. The effort was supremely hard for him, much harder than the wall of fear or the mirrored wall.

"Interesting choice," Galin said thoughtfully. "Prepare yourself... I'm going to have Nathan test it. A simple scan, to begin with."

Nathan tried not to roll his eyes. If there was one thing he'd figured out, it was that very little about what Galin had him do to facilitate these lessons was simple. He reached out to try and touch Manuel's thoughts... and reeled in his chair, rebelling instinctively at the sudden lassitude that descended on him.

Manuel blinked, but this wall seemed more - stable, somehow, than the other walls. He then grinned at Nathan. "Can't find it in you to care about scanning me, eh?" he taunted.

Nathan winced, rubbing at his temples and giving Manuel a dark look. Galin, meanwhile, was chuckling. "Works quite well, doesn't it? Especially when you're using it again someone whose personality is diametrically opposed."

"I like this one. It was a bitch to make, but once it's up it seems pretty stable." he said with a cocky grin. "And it's not so inclined to fall over if I feel anything. That's always a plus."

"It is a very workable defense. Ready to have Nathan try to break through?" Galin asked with a nastier-sounding laugh.

Manuel gulped, then closed his eyes and nodded. "Bring it." he said, while reinforcing his shield as best he knew how, making the feeling more intense.

Nathan took a deep breath and concentrated. Purpose, he thought dimly. Determination. Something to combat the apathy. He gritted his teeth and lashed out as fiercely as he could. His probe hit Manuel's wall...

...dull, bleak emptiness... aching emptiness, all the things he'd done wrong, too exhausted to fix... too much to fix, he'd fucked it up... failed them, tried and failed and there was no difference, no real change...

#Nathan... Nathan!# Askani snapped at him, and Nathan grunted in shock as he hit the floor hard as his chair toppled over.

Manuel looked at Nathan topple over, and his first instinct was sheer triumph. He had _FINALLY_ won in a direct contest. His second thought he voiced - "Umm, is that supposed to happen?"

Nathan squeezed his eyes shut, struggling for composure. He still felt... hollow, his mindscape echoing with bleak pain, but he wasn't lost in it anymore. Askani had borrowed his telekinesis and knocked the chair over to snap him out of it, he realized dully. "V-Very good, Manuel," he managed, his voice shaking. Get off the floor, idiot, that cold voice from the back of his mind instructed him. Askani was murmuring to him, her voice light, concerned, but he ignored her, pushing himself up slowly to a sitting position. "Think... you really hit on something there."

"I'm going to have to remember this one. People know how to deal with fear, but it's much harder to deal with apathy." he said profoundly. "Makes for a good shielding feeling."

"That's good..." Nathan said, reaching out to right his chair. "Very good." It took more of an effort to get to his feet than it should have, and he lowered himself back into the chair immediately. "I.. don't know what happened to Galin," he said. "Give me a second here..."

Manuel nodded and concentrated on his shield - making the "bricks" of the "wall" thicker and stronger. While he was waiting, he also decided to play with the spotlight idea - to see if he could scan through his wall and still be protected from the random emotions in the Mansion.

Nathan grimaced as he tried and failed to find Galin. What was with the Askani? They were doing that muffled... buzzing thing again, and only Askani herself was really intelligible. #What's wrong?# he asked, the empty feeling ebbing, replaced by worry. #Why can't I hear the others?# But she kept murmuring reassurance at him, as if she hadn't heard him. "Manuel," he said, blinking. "Do me a favor, look at me and tell me if the Askani look different empathically?"

Manuel tried to peek through the spotlight hole in his mind, but instead got a brainfull of his own apathy. "Nah." he said, crossing his legs and leaning back in his chair. "There's no need for that. You're fine."

Nathan gritted his teeth. "Manuel," he said, as calmly as he could. "Would you please drop that wall for a minute and take a look at the Askani? Something's wrong... I can't hear them properly."

Manuel looked at Nathan physically, then sighed. "Fine. Hang on a second." He let his wall go, and with it went his apathy. "Now then, let's take a look." he mused with much more energy as he looked empathically into Nathan's brain. "Hey. You're all muzzed in there. Everything's a blur, like you were drunk or high on something."

"I don't know what's going on," Nathan said heavily, rubbing his eyes. "They're not panicked... at least, they don't seem to be..." He stiffened in his chair, feeling an odd rushing sensation inside his head. "Oww..." he muttered, but then Galin was there, growling at him, and Askani was trying to hush him. "Well, this is a fine mess," the empath snapped, using his voice. "Feel free to be very annoyed at him, Manuel. His foolishness is getting in the way of your lessons."

Manuel stood up, walked over to where Nathan sat, and kicked him in the leg. Hard. "Don't fuck this up, Nathan. We had a _deal_."

Nathan instinctively pushed back telekinetically, if only hard enough to make Manuel stagger a little. "Bite me, the pair of you!" he snapped, wrestling his voice back from Galin. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but drop it, and let's get back to work."

"You're not up for it. You're ready to fall apart on me right here and now, especially if _my_ shields can put you on your ass after you ripped right through them two days ago. When you get some rest and are actually clear of mind, and can let the Askani come out to _teach_, then we'll start this over again." And then he stood up to walk out of the room.

"Manuel, sit down," Nathan said with a sigh, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. I'll focus." Galin was grumbling, but seemed less angry somehow, although Askani herself had gone distressingly quiet.

"No, you won't. Get some sleep, old man. Don't make me make your woman sedate you to the eyeballs. Maybe I'll get her to add some Viagra to that shot, so she can have some fun while you're out cold." he smirked, then opened the door to the classroom.

Nathan was tempted to slam the door telekinetically, force the issue, but let it go. "Tomorrow morning, then," he muttered. "We'll do the psionics instead of the BS stuff, to make up for this." He didn't have the energy to argue with Manuel. Plenty of other work he could be doing, anyway.

Manuel, his back to Nathan, grinned. "Sounds fair. Catch ya around. I'm gonna go hang out with Lee for a bit. Should test my ability to shield quite nicely. If I turn into a crack-addled ferrett on speed, you'll know why." And then he headed out the door.