Amanda, Nate - Monday
Jun. 28th, 2004 11:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsWanting to make sure Amanda is all right after her sudden acquisition of Askani, Nate tracks her down whilst she's out riding, and they talk. Mostly about trust, and the need for it.
Nathan grimaced a little as he followed the trail, his mind ranging out ahead of him as much as he dared, seeking Amanda. Jane had told him she had gone out riding, and while it might have made more sense to wait until she got back - he was still feeling a little light-headed, the aftereffects of his day-long sleep - he wanted, needed to talk to her. To make sure she was all right.
#I swear to you, I did not seize the opportunity simply because it was there,# Askani said in the back of his mind, sounding subdued.
"You could have waited until Alison got back to talk to her," Nathan said, frowning. He wanted to be more angry with her, but he wasn't sensing anything that suggested to him that she was lying to him, or even simply concealing her motivations. If she had simply panicked and reached out to Amanda because she thought it was the only option, he could forgive that. So long as Amanda was all right, he could let that pass...
Hoofbeats became audible ahead, and then Amanda herself appeared through the trees. The horse she'd borrowed wasn't Paige's but one of the Stonewall horses - several days after her return from Spain, Amanda had arranged with Red to 'board' one of the work horses for the week before starting her work at the stables again. She was chatting to the filly in a mixture of Askani, Romany and a smattering of English, glad to not have to worry overmuch about being understood. Then she spotted Nathan, and eased the horse back to a walk.
"~Bright the morning, fa... brother,~" she said, grinning at him despite herself. "~You should be in your bed, resting.~" The tone was still too formal, she decided, wrinkling her nose. She really ought to ask about the cultural stuff.
Nathan smiled in relief at her obvious good mood. She looked happy, calm, and generally none the worse for wear. Now to make sure... "~I think sleeping the day around is probably sufficient, don't you?~" he asked as she and the horse reached him. He fell in beside them as they headed down the trail. "~Are you all right?~" he went on, peering up at her in concern. "~Still having trouble with English, I gather... but how do you feel?~"
"That's... my line," Amanda replied in English, concentrating on the words. The effort was too much, and she switched back to Askani. "~I feel well. Good, in fact. Although the English problem is frustrating. And Manuel is being a...~" She couldn't think of a good enough word in Askani and dredged up the word in English. "Plonker."
"Oh, shit," Nathan said with a sigh. The filly whickered at him, and he reached out absently and patted her neck. "~I hadn't even considered that yet. I'm so sorry, little sister...~" Guilt descended on him, and his shoulders slumped. He was doing a real good job messing things up, wasn't he?
"~Stop that,~" Amanda told him, a little more sharply than she'd intended, but her talk with Askani the day before had gotten her thinking, about how both she and Nathan reacted to things. "~ This was my choice, brother. It's true I didn't feel I had many options, but I did have them. It was important to me that I help you, so I asked Askani to give me this. Manuel will have to learn to accept it. Or not.~" She shrugged. "'S me," she added emphatically in English. "Don't give a... flonq what... he says. Plonker." She stressed the last, reaching down to where Nate's hand rested against the filly's neck and squeezing it. "~This is my situation, and I shall deal with it. Besides, I've got practice.~"
Nathan mustered a smile, squeezing her hand back before letting his drop back to his side. "~I just... worry,~ he said lamely, and then couldn't help a laugh at the look he got. "~Watch me avoid the matter of my own part in this. Very entertaining, no?~"
"~You should worry less about me and more about yourself.~" Again the tone was a touch sharp, but Amanda didn't regret it. "~Have you spoken to the Lady yet? Has she explained?~"
Nathan nodded. "~I understand what happened now,~" he said, his voice subdued. "~Where I went wrong, at least... I'm still not sure what I was thinking.~"
"~I don't believe you were. Thinking, that is.~" Amanda ducked a low branch overhanging the trail, and fell silent for a moment, thinking. "~The Lady, she said she'd demanded too much of you, and that you demanded too much of yourself... Did she tell you what I said in return?~"
"~No,~" Nathan said thoughtfully, eyeing Amanda and wondering what was coming. "~She's been very...hushed. Acting as if I would break if she spoke too loudly.~"
"~You frightened her,~" Amanda said, a little flatly. "~You frightened all of us.~" The filly whickered nervously, picking up on the tenseness of Amanda's posture, and she murmured something soothing in Romany. "~ You hurt us too, brother. You didn't trust us, to help, locked yourself away. I'm not sure about the others, but I want to help you with this task the Lady has given you. If only to ensure you don't do yourself such harm again.~" She grinned at him briefly. "Plastic... bubble," she added in English. "Need it."
Nathan took a deep breath. It kept coming back to the issue of trust, didn't it? he thought dimly. He was holding back in the crunch, when it came to letting people help him. And he couldn't keep doing that, not if he was going to stay here. Not if he expected to make this work, be what he needed to be - for himself, for them. All of this was reciprocal.
"~I'll try,~" he said with a ghost of a smile, looking up at Amanda. "~They say you can't teach an old canid new tricks...but I'll try.~"
"Good." Amanda said the English word definitely, nodding and smiling at him. "Not... plonker." She sighed a bit impatiently and switched back to Askani. ~Trust is difficult. I know that. But we're... clan now, aren't we? Moira, Rahne, Angelo... myself too.~" It might have been too much sun that coloured Amanda's cheeks slightly, but it was doubtful. "~We want to help.~"
Nathan's expression froze briefly as she mentioned Angelo's name, but he forced the smile back to his lips. "~You can't take what you aren't willing to give. Or maybe that should be the other way around?~"
She frowned as she worked out what he was saying - Askani was sometimes overly complicated, relying heavily on imagery, and the finer points were still confusing without the context. "~I don't understand,~" she confessed at last. "~Are you saying you can't trust us? Me?~" Even as she said it, she realised. Or thought she did. "~I would have told you what Sarah intended, if I'd known in time. I thought I explained that.~"
Nathan shook his head immediately. "~No, not what I meant,~" he assured her swiftly, then tried to figure out better phrasing. "~I set boundaries on trust,~" he tried again. "~I always have. It's easier to be a person who can be trusted, than to trust yourself. And even when I manage to trust... there always seems to be a limit. Anything that would involve a vulnerability on my part...~" He trailed off, grimacing a little.
"Scary," Amanda said abruptly in English, then half-shrugged at Nathan's surprised look and continued in Askani. "~I remember, when I first arrived here, how frightened I was that people trusted me. I thought, since they didn't know me, that their trust was mistakenly given. That I'd hurt them for it. I couldn't trust myself, so why should anyone else?~" She sighed again, more pensive this time. "~I was right - I did hurt them. And the ones who trusted me most, I hurt the deepest. Angelo, Marie, Moira. Even Pete was disappointed in me, that I hadn't let him help. But I came out the other side, and found people were still willing to trust me, to give me that chance. And I allow it. It means I suffer hurt, but you told me once that the love balances the pain.~" With a wry laugh, she shook her head. "Sound like... Rom," she said. "Wanker."
"~Who?~" Nathan asked with a flash of humor. "~Me, you, or Romany?~" She laughed at him, and he patted the filly's neck again as they continued down the trail. "~I suppose learning late is better that not learning at all,~" he said quietly. Now, if he could just manage to put it into practice...
"~Much better, brother,~" she agreed. Then she tilted her head. "~I have a question, about the battle language. The Lady couldn't give me everything, so some things don't make sense. Where I would say...~" She had to switch back for the word. "Mate." "~In Askani, it becomes 'brother' or 'sister'. Family words. Why is that?~"
"~It's because they...the Clan were a family by choice,~" Nathan said, remembering that he'd never given her the history lesson he'd promised, to catch her up with the others. Seemed he'd have to rectify that, and soon. "~Because they were stepping outside the caste system to become a part of that family, they wanted to emphasize those bonds. There is a different set of words for blood kin, though.~"
"~I see.~" Amanda fell silent again, the expression on her face a little wistful. "~I... it's a good thing. Sometimes the family you choose are better than the ones you are born to.~"
Nathan couldn't help a soft laugh. "~Tell me about it,~" he teased gently.
Nathan grimaced a little as he followed the trail, his mind ranging out ahead of him as much as he dared, seeking Amanda. Jane had told him she had gone out riding, and while it might have made more sense to wait until she got back - he was still feeling a little light-headed, the aftereffects of his day-long sleep - he wanted, needed to talk to her. To make sure she was all right.
#I swear to you, I did not seize the opportunity simply because it was there,# Askani said in the back of his mind, sounding subdued.
"You could have waited until Alison got back to talk to her," Nathan said, frowning. He wanted to be more angry with her, but he wasn't sensing anything that suggested to him that she was lying to him, or even simply concealing her motivations. If she had simply panicked and reached out to Amanda because she thought it was the only option, he could forgive that. So long as Amanda was all right, he could let that pass...
Hoofbeats became audible ahead, and then Amanda herself appeared through the trees. The horse she'd borrowed wasn't Paige's but one of the Stonewall horses - several days after her return from Spain, Amanda had arranged with Red to 'board' one of the work horses for the week before starting her work at the stables again. She was chatting to the filly in a mixture of Askani, Romany and a smattering of English, glad to not have to worry overmuch about being understood. Then she spotted Nathan, and eased the horse back to a walk.
"~Bright the morning, fa... brother,~" she said, grinning at him despite herself. "~You should be in your bed, resting.~" The tone was still too formal, she decided, wrinkling her nose. She really ought to ask about the cultural stuff.
Nathan smiled in relief at her obvious good mood. She looked happy, calm, and generally none the worse for wear. Now to make sure... "~I think sleeping the day around is probably sufficient, don't you?~" he asked as she and the horse reached him. He fell in beside them as they headed down the trail. "~Are you all right?~" he went on, peering up at her in concern. "~Still having trouble with English, I gather... but how do you feel?~"
"That's... my line," Amanda replied in English, concentrating on the words. The effort was too much, and she switched back to Askani. "~I feel well. Good, in fact. Although the English problem is frustrating. And Manuel is being a...~" She couldn't think of a good enough word in Askani and dredged up the word in English. "Plonker."
"Oh, shit," Nathan said with a sigh. The filly whickered at him, and he reached out absently and patted her neck. "~I hadn't even considered that yet. I'm so sorry, little sister...~" Guilt descended on him, and his shoulders slumped. He was doing a real good job messing things up, wasn't he?
"~Stop that,~" Amanda told him, a little more sharply than she'd intended, but her talk with Askani the day before had gotten her thinking, about how both she and Nathan reacted to things. "~ This was my choice, brother. It's true I didn't feel I had many options, but I did have them. It was important to me that I help you, so I asked Askani to give me this. Manuel will have to learn to accept it. Or not.~" She shrugged. "'S me," she added emphatically in English. "Don't give a... flonq what... he says. Plonker." She stressed the last, reaching down to where Nate's hand rested against the filly's neck and squeezing it. "~This is my situation, and I shall deal with it. Besides, I've got practice.~"
Nathan mustered a smile, squeezing her hand back before letting his drop back to his side. "~I just... worry,~ he said lamely, and then couldn't help a laugh at the look he got. "~Watch me avoid the matter of my own part in this. Very entertaining, no?~"
"~You should worry less about me and more about yourself.~" Again the tone was a touch sharp, but Amanda didn't regret it. "~Have you spoken to the Lady yet? Has she explained?~"
Nathan nodded. "~I understand what happened now,~" he said, his voice subdued. "~Where I went wrong, at least... I'm still not sure what I was thinking.~"
"~I don't believe you were. Thinking, that is.~" Amanda ducked a low branch overhanging the trail, and fell silent for a moment, thinking. "~The Lady, she said she'd demanded too much of you, and that you demanded too much of yourself... Did she tell you what I said in return?~"
"~No,~" Nathan said thoughtfully, eyeing Amanda and wondering what was coming. "~She's been very...hushed. Acting as if I would break if she spoke too loudly.~"
"~You frightened her,~" Amanda said, a little flatly. "~You frightened all of us.~" The filly whickered nervously, picking up on the tenseness of Amanda's posture, and she murmured something soothing in Romany. "~ You hurt us too, brother. You didn't trust us, to help, locked yourself away. I'm not sure about the others, but I want to help you with this task the Lady has given you. If only to ensure you don't do yourself such harm again.~" She grinned at him briefly. "Plastic... bubble," she added in English. "Need it."
Nathan took a deep breath. It kept coming back to the issue of trust, didn't it? he thought dimly. He was holding back in the crunch, when it came to letting people help him. And he couldn't keep doing that, not if he was going to stay here. Not if he expected to make this work, be what he needed to be - for himself, for them. All of this was reciprocal.
"~I'll try,~" he said with a ghost of a smile, looking up at Amanda. "~They say you can't teach an old canid new tricks...but I'll try.~"
"Good." Amanda said the English word definitely, nodding and smiling at him. "Not... plonker." She sighed a bit impatiently and switched back to Askani. ~Trust is difficult. I know that. But we're... clan now, aren't we? Moira, Rahne, Angelo... myself too.~" It might have been too much sun that coloured Amanda's cheeks slightly, but it was doubtful. "~We want to help.~"
Nathan's expression froze briefly as she mentioned Angelo's name, but he forced the smile back to his lips. "~You can't take what you aren't willing to give. Or maybe that should be the other way around?~"
She frowned as she worked out what he was saying - Askani was sometimes overly complicated, relying heavily on imagery, and the finer points were still confusing without the context. "~I don't understand,~" she confessed at last. "~Are you saying you can't trust us? Me?~" Even as she said it, she realised. Or thought she did. "~I would have told you what Sarah intended, if I'd known in time. I thought I explained that.~"
Nathan shook his head immediately. "~No, not what I meant,~" he assured her swiftly, then tried to figure out better phrasing. "~I set boundaries on trust,~" he tried again. "~I always have. It's easier to be a person who can be trusted, than to trust yourself. And even when I manage to trust... there always seems to be a limit. Anything that would involve a vulnerability on my part...~" He trailed off, grimacing a little.
"Scary," Amanda said abruptly in English, then half-shrugged at Nathan's surprised look and continued in Askani. "~I remember, when I first arrived here, how frightened I was that people trusted me. I thought, since they didn't know me, that their trust was mistakenly given. That I'd hurt them for it. I couldn't trust myself, so why should anyone else?~" She sighed again, more pensive this time. "~I was right - I did hurt them. And the ones who trusted me most, I hurt the deepest. Angelo, Marie, Moira. Even Pete was disappointed in me, that I hadn't let him help. But I came out the other side, and found people were still willing to trust me, to give me that chance. And I allow it. It means I suffer hurt, but you told me once that the love balances the pain.~" With a wry laugh, she shook her head. "Sound like... Rom," she said. "Wanker."
"~Who?~" Nathan asked with a flash of humor. "~Me, you, or Romany?~" She laughed at him, and he patted the filly's neck again as they continued down the trail. "~I suppose learning late is better that not learning at all,~" he said quietly. Now, if he could just manage to put it into practice...
"~Much better, brother,~" she agreed. Then she tilted her head. "~I have a question, about the battle language. The Lady couldn't give me everything, so some things don't make sense. Where I would say...~" She had to switch back for the word. "Mate." "~In Askani, it becomes 'brother' or 'sister'. Family words. Why is that?~"
"~It's because they...the Clan were a family by choice,~" Nathan said, remembering that he'd never given her the history lesson he'd promised, to catch her up with the others. Seemed he'd have to rectify that, and soon. "~Because they were stepping outside the caste system to become a part of that family, they wanted to emphasize those bonds. There is a different set of words for blood kin, though.~"
"~I see.~" Amanda fell silent again, the expression on her face a little wistful. "~I... it's a good thing. Sometimes the family you choose are better than the ones you are born to.~"
Nathan couldn't help a soft laugh. "~Tell me about it,~" he teased gently.
