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[x-shinobi.livejournal.com]

Following this e-mail, Shinobi and Nathan meet out at the lake. Serious discussion ensues, and by some miracle, nobody gets dumped in the water. Yet. Difficult decisions are made that leave the possibility very much open.




It wasn't quite five o'clock yet, but despite such, Shinobi was already at the lake, standing at the shore and hunting for stones smooth enough to skip over the water's surface. Or.. to *try* skipping over the water's surface. He wasn't terribly good at it. His posture speaks volumes, really - he's tired, physically *and* mentally, with a healthy dose of regret and a cherry on top.

Nathan spotted him as he came over the top of the hill. Even without the tell-tale body language, Shinobi's mental state was 'audible', which told Nathan just how tired he was, given that the young man generally had quite decent shields for a non-psi.

"I don't believe I've ever actually used the word schmuck," Nathan said as he joined him by the water's edge.

"It's a good word," Shinobi reasoned, abandoning his seemingly futile search for a suitable rock and instead straightening back up, for ease of conversation. "Rolls off the tongue, but still has a very sharp stop at the end.. it's a good word." He looked up, and offered Nathan a tired grin.

"So what's going on?" Nathan said, studying him calmly. "You look like I probably looked the last time we talked."

Shinobi quickly cast a self-conscious look down at himself, blinking once. "Well.. if I do, it would at least be fairly apt," he replied after a moment, smoothing his t-shirt out before looking up again. "Mostly what I said in the e-mail, that's all. Tunnel vision's going away and letting everything sink in."

"Want to tell me about it?" Nathan said, bending to pick up a likely stone and skipping it several times. "Maybe not everything, because I suspect then we'd be here all night, but the basics?"

"Talking is good," Shinobi agreed, peering after the skipped-stone with a slight grin. "Alright, let's see.. we can sum it up, I think.." Tilting his head thoughtfully, he tucked his hands into his pockets, brow furrowing as he tried to recall things to mind. "It's been roughly.. seven months or so since Emma and Pete brought me here. Chance at a new life, out from under Father Dearest's thumb, et cetera. And I've done roughly.. nothing, pretty much, to take advantage of the opportunity. Just been pissing it all away, moving backwards instead of forwards, without realizing it. Or admitting it, rather, I suppose."

"What makes you think you're moving backwards?" Nathan asked, eyes narrowing a little. He had a fairly good idea, but he wanted to hear how Shinobi put it himself.

"Running off to help someone plan a mass-murdering spree within a few weeks of becoming an X-Man leaps to mind," Shinobi replied, looking up at Nathan with a wry smile. "One step forward, a marathon back."

"Love makes us do strange things at times," Nathan said with a faint chuckle, bending to pick up another stone. "I suspect it's probably hormonal." Nine splashes, this time, and he turned back to Shinobi, his expression growing more serious. "You see your father in you, in something like that?"

He nodded in agreement, chuckling and raking a hand back through his hair. "Love and hormones are dangerous, when you're not experienced enough in either to remember to *think*." He glanced after the series of splashes, but the impressed look on his face faded at the question, to something more thoughtful. "Not.. exactly. I still see heavy shades of his influence when I stop to look for them, but I'm my own person now. Part of why it's so bloody disturbing."

"So why did you do it?" A bit harsh, maybe, and Nathan moderated his tone again as he went on. "I'll be honest, Shinobi. It wasn't good for her, it wasn't good for you, it wasn't good for the people who went in after her, and it wasn't particularly good for her friends here who just knew about it."

If Shinobi thought it was harsh, he didn't seem to feel it was unwarranted in the least. "Because I wasn't thinking," he replied simply, shoulders lifting in a helpless shrug. "I get so caught up in things that I forget to stop and bloody *think* for five seconds."

"It's not an unusual reaction," Nathan said with a sigh. "When our emotions get involved... especially in crisis situations." He looked at Shinobi for a long moment. "I'm not telling you anything you don't know, though."

Shinobi nodded, grinning slightly. "Which is both reassuring, and further evidence that I need to snap myself out of it. Whatever 'it' is." He lifted both hands to gesture, with a vaguely frustrated expression. "It was like.. tunnel-vision. I saw Sarah, and I saw something that could make her happy. That was it. Not the consequences, not anybody else getting involved, just.. that. I need to kick that habit *yesterday*, before it *becomes* a habit."

"You want to live ethically," Nathan said with a faint, almost sad smile. "Easier said than done when you grew up without a model." He started to wander down the shore a little, limping. Shinobi followed, keeping pace with him. "On the other hand, it can be liberating. Means you get to create your own. Hellishly difficult, but liberating."

Nodding, Shinobi returned his hands to his pockets as he followed along. "Difficult is good, though. It just means I need to find someone to keep me on a short leash while I work on it, that's all. Make sure I don't start slipping again." Looking to Nate, he grinned. "Don't worry, mate. I'll probably ask one of the Leather Brigade to do it. God knows you're swamped enough, don't need to be babysitting *me*, of all people, on top of it."

"Shinobi, the quick-deflection tactic only really works on people who haven't spent twenty years mastering it themselves," Nathan said, giving in to the brief flare of mischievousness. "You emailed me. I'm not sure I'm willing to buy that it was because I happened to aim a particularly apt platitude your way the night they brought Sarah in."

Shinobi chuckled, holding up his hands defensively. "I emailed you because we've already discussed the Sarah thing a couple of times, and it's the main source of my current state. I know you'll listen, and not tell me what I *want* to hear when you talk to me. Both of which are very, very good."

Nathan considered that for a moment, then nodded. They walked in silence for a minute or two before he spoke up again. "Friday night... that was Friday night you were trying to play mediator, wasn't it? I confess I lost track. But anyway... that night was the first time I mentioned my wife to you, wasn't it?"

"I think so," Shinobi replied after a moment's thought, nodding slowly. "We haven't really spoken on your personal life, oh.. ever."

"It just strikes me that there's something of a parallel," Nathan said quietly. "Aliya... I was very young when we met, a little bit younger than you, and I had never had any kind of a stable relationship before. It wasn't encouraged, in the program, and before..." No, not going there. Nathan shook his head a little. "It was like a lightning-bolt had hit me," he said. "I would have done anything for her."

"That sounds about right," Shinobi agreed, smiling faintly and casting a brief look over the lake. He didn't want to interrupt, though, since even as tired as he was, it didn't take a genius to guess this wasn't an easy topic for Nate to talk about.

"She was an instructor in the program. A trainer, not an operative. So she was there by choice, not like us." Nathan kicked at a rock, trying to keep his voice - and mood - even. "And she was emotionally involved, by choice. I never tried to dissuade her of that... well, not that I had much room to manuever, myself. But I often wonder what might have been different if I'd tried to draw her deeper into the life we had together, with our son. Farther from the job, even if she considered it the most noble cause in the world."

Shinobi was silent. After a brief pause, Nathan went on. "I didn't, obviously. Waited until the last possible minute to try and yank her out of that life whether she liked it or not, and got both her and Tyler killed." His eyes flickered back to the lake. "I doubt it would have worked," he confessed, his voice very quietly. "She believed so strongly in what she was doing. You can't really change a person, Shinobi, no matter how much you love them. You can give them a reason, but the change has to come from within."

"With the exception of the circumstances of your family's death, which.. well, I'm not entirely sure how to properly offer condolences for," Shinobi began slowly, glancing up with a small, rueful smile. "...more things I already know. I can't make Sarah change, and simply having a reason to change myself has done squat when I haven't put forth the effort to actually do it."

"Is that a decision you've made, then, or one you're still in the process of making?" Nathan asked, knowing he was being a bit elliptical.

"Decided to put the work in to change myself, still trying to figure out what the hell to do about everything else," Shinobi answered, with a helplessly shrug. "If anything at all. Sarah.. I don't think she wants to change. But I don't know if she's realized that, as close to having her revenge as she is, that her sole goal in life is damn near fulfilled. I don't think she's given much thought to what comes after, if and when that ever comes up."

Nathan deliberately, if gently, steered the conversation away from Sarah. "What brought on the decision? I'm sure it wasn't just the insomnia."

Shinobi tilted his head. "The decision to change myself? I've been *trying* to since I got here. Just haven't been doing a terribly good job of it, that's all. Haven't had anyone really, actively kicking me in the ass about it."

Shinobi and Angelo made an interesting pair, Nathan reflected briefly. "Let's try not using the euphemisms for a moment," he said easily, no edge to the words. "You think you need someone kicking you in the ass. What do you really mean by that?"

Shinobi paused to consider that, lightly scratching the side of his nose with a finger. "A role model who'll take an active hand in helping me become the sort of person I want to be," he said after a moment. "Something like that. I obviously can't do it by myself, try as I might. I keep slipping up. I need someone who'll be there to call me on it when they see me slipping, and.. well, not take any bullshit, and keep me on my chosen course."

"My suggestion? Make it several people," Nathan said quite seriously. "Don't lay all that on one person. The Professor can help you with some things, Leonard with others. Scott might be a good choice on some levels, and hell, if you're really hard-up for a good kick in the ass, I can probably provide." He shook his head, thinking of that group email he had sent out and the decidedly mixed results. "Although it may wind up being a kick in the head if it comes from me. My aim can be a little off."

"A kick in the head might help shake the bad ideas loose, so I'll probably take you up on that," Shinobi replied thoughtfully, nodding to himself. "I've already mailed the Professor and Leonard about this, and I'm toying with the idea of regular meetings with one or both of them, if they have time, so there is that."

"It means a lot that you want to change this badly," Nathan said, "or so Moira keeps telling me. You might count this 'rut' of yours, if you want to consider it that way, as an extended lesson in some of the less-obvious obstacles you have to tackle."

Shinobi blinked twice, surprised. "Moira does, really?" That was nice to hear. "I'm definitely taking a lesson out of it, believe me. More than one, point of fact."

Nathan decided not to point out that he'd been speaking in general terms about Moira and her firm belief in the power of a true desire to change. Shinobi sounded like he needed a little encouragment, anyway. "More than one?" he prompted lightly.

Shinobi nodded sagely, lifting one hand so he could count off on his fingers. "Don't be an idiot. Think more. Murder bad."

Awfully nice when they led themselves right through that particular train of thought. "Do you regret helping Sarah find Grey Crow and his people?" he asked, curious to know what the answer would be. Shinobi had said something during that last conversation, something that had bothered him, but he couldn't clearly remember it.

That was a tough question.. which was good, as far as Shinobi was concerned. They made him think, and that was on his to-do list. "Yes and no," he replied slowly, frowning a touch as he thought on his answer. "I don't regret that I helped someone learn who was responsible for the death of their family.. but I do regret that it just lead to *more* bodies in the tunnels. And, well, I regret more about it than that, but my head hurts." He grinned.

Shinobi was too tired to be shielding, and none of the stray thoughts Nathan was picking up suggested that he was being anything but sincere. "What a hell of a situation," he said with a sigh. "All around."

"Understatement of the milennia," Shinobi replied, chuckling tiredly. "I swear, we need to find us a resident whose power is time travel. Or build a bloody machine."

The house was out of sight by this point and Nathan stopped, turning back around. His leg was aching, and Shinobi didn't look like he was in the shape for a long hike, either. But he didn't start back just yet. "Have you talked to her about any of this yet?" he asked, gazing steadily at Shinobi.

He stopped when Nathan did, cocking his head to the side. "Sarah? No, not yet." He shook his head, making a bit of a face. "I don't think speaking to her about it while she's on the mend and still feeling murderous would be a very good idea. Even less chance of it going well, then. And then there's a matter of not knowing precisely what to talk to her *about*, with so much going on my head about all this. I wouldn't know where to start, or where I should finish."

"I wouldn't leave it too long," Nathan advised, limping back in the direction of the house. "You're planning to reshape your life, Shinobi. If you want her to be in it, she needs to be aware of what's going on right from the start."

"The way I'm reshaping it, I don't know if she'll want to," Shinobi observed wryly, casting a brief look down at the limping leg before he fell into step alongside the older man. "I just need to figure out what to say so it doesn't sound like I'm dropping an ultimatum in her lap. She *hates* those."

"Write her a poem," Nathan said, and smiled faintly at the way Shinobi blinked at him. "Not kidding. A poem, or something like that, something that's going to get across what you're feeling, not so much what you're thinking. I suspect she'd be more responsive to that."

"I needed Manuel's help to write a song, and I have *schooling* in music," Shinobi observed dubiously, and this time, he didn't stop his eyebrows from arching into his hairline. "Poetry isn't something I can *do*. That's her forte. And if you tell her I told you, I will probably wake up severely maimed."

Nathan smiled. "Look past the outlandish part of the suggestion for a second," he suggested. "Think about the basic point I was making."

Shinobi paused to consider this, scratching the back of his head. "...well, that works a bit better. I'm not sure what I feel would go over any better, though, honestly. It's.. tricky."

"It can't be easy," Nathan responded. "But it's hurting you to look in the mirror and not be happy with what you see. She needs to know that."

"I'm just afraid she'll twist it around," Shinobi replied tiredly. "Especially since she's always been worried something would happen to make me end things. She's pessimistic enough for the entire eastern seaboard."

"I am convinced, on a number of levels, that I am at some point going to get Moira killed," Nathan said very quietly. "But what frightens me more is the idea of giving up on making a life with her. You need to give Sarah the chance to reach past her fear and hold on. Ignoring your own needs is not going to be any better for the two of you in the end."

"It'll probably wind up being a case of 'tough love'," Shinobi replied slowly, drawing in a deep breath. "But, you're right. Things as they stand aren't healthy for *anybody*."

"Tough love," Nathan murmured. "That term keeps coming back to haunt me this week." The mansion was coming back into sight, and he glanced sideways at Shinobi. "All you can do is try," he said. "We don't get guarantees about things like this."

"It's not a fun phrase," Shinobi agreed solemnly, pursing his lips in thought as he regarded the distant mansion. This was not going to be very fun. "...I much prefer 'schmuck'."