xp_logs | Amanda, Manuel - Wednesday evening

Following these emails, Manuel tracks down Amanda in her old bolt hole, the parlour. He find out exactly what is going on, and drops a bombshell of his own.

***

The parlour was just as dusty, just as chilly, as it had been back in February when she'd made it her hiding place after the love potion mess. But she was pretty sure it was the last place anyone would think to look for her, and she really didn't want to be found right now. Not when she'd made such a balls up of everything. Fertility sites weren't generally something you had to consider when you were doing the safe sex thing, 'though.

Manuel, dressed very casually in a plain T-shirt and jeans, was looking for Amanda. As he passed each room, he checked it with his power - Amanda's fear and misery registered beautifully, if painfully, upon his senses. Eventually, he came to the parlor, and poked his head in to look around. "Amanda? Sorgin, come out, let's talk about this like reasonable people, OK?"

Bugger. Buggery blast and hellfire. Amanda looked up from where she was sitting in one of the parlour's window seats, knees pulled up, arms wrapped around her legs, head resting on her knees. The old defensive position. "'M done talkin', Manny. Now I just wanna be alone an' try not t' think how much I've royally fucked up me life."

"Nonsense." he said, moving to sit next to her - near enough to be comforting, but not so near as to suffocate her or to spook her. "Talk to me. Tell me what's got you so spooked."

Amanda sighed, rested her forehead back on her knees. "I'm late," she said at last. "Two whole months late, t' be exact."

Manuel's eyebrows tried to merge with his hairline. "That's unexpected. I can see that it frightens you. What do you want to do? I know what I want, but I want to know what you want."

"I don't know what I want. I mean, if I'd wanted t' get up the bloody duff, I wouldn't be takin' the stuff that I do every day. 'S that fuckin' place we went to, the one in Spain." Amanda looked up at him. "'M seventeen an' just startin' t' get me life together. What the fuck am I gunna do with a bloody kid?"

"Well, as it takes two and I presume that I'm the father, then I think that if you don't want it that I'll take it. I'm in no better a place than you are, emotionally, mentally, or physically, but this means something to me. I'm not Alphonso, I don't turn my own blood away from me. Will you entertain the notion, at least?" he said, pleading in his eyes. "Or if you don't want it, and you don't want me to have it, then consider adoption."

"Well, considerin' you were the only other one I fucked in a sacred fertility site, yeah, yer the father. Homily's potions ain't just for headaches an' insomnia - she made me up a special brew that I've been takin', s'posed t' be foolproof. Except when you stir up certain pagan gods who have an evil sense of humour." Amanda was hedging around the whole issue, her mind focusing on anything but what happens next. Recognising that, she stopped herself. "I don't know, I really don't. I don't wanna abandon the poor little sprog, but I'm scared t' death of this whole thing. It never even occurred t' me that I'd be in this position - or that yer'd still want anythin' t' do with me." The last was almost a challenge.

"I'm right here." he said reassuringly. "I haven't run away screaming _yet_, I'm not very likely to start any time soon. All I ask is that you think about it. Maybe treat yourself a little better, so that _our_ child comes into the world healthy. Do you think you could do that for me? Considering your genes and mine, our child is going to be powerful indeed."

"Is that all you can think about? How powerful it could be? Christ, Manny, you sound like yer bloody father!" Despite herself, Amanda found she'd crossed her arms almost protectively over her stomach. "This kid - if there _is_ a kid - is more than a combination of our powers. It's a person, an' I ain't about t' let anythin' happen to it." As the last words left her lips, Amanda realised the truth of them, and it shocked her. She'd never considered herself the least bit maternal. 'Oh bloody hell, I'm done for. It's booties an' nappies for me now...'

Manuel spread his arms wide in a mea-culpa gesture. "Of _course_ it is!" he snapped. "I am trying very, very hard to not be him. Thanks for noticing. Look, Amanda, there is something that you should know. And this is something I have to do, before you get that mule-face you get when you're being stubborn. Do you think that you can listen to me without lashing out for just a minute?"

She did have that mulish look on her face, but she nodded. She owed him a hearing at least. "Go on. I'll listen."

Manuel slipped down off his seat, and kneeled down in front of Amanda. "Look. I know that we've both had really shit lives. Love 'em and leave 'em, take a bit of fun where you can. All that stuff. You know it, I know it. But the thing is, now, I've found somebody that I _want_ to be around. Somebody who completes me, who tells me I'm being a silly ass when I deserve it, and someone who sneaks me sandwiches when a certain someone is monopolizing the kitchen."

Amanda's look turned from stubborn to surprised. And a little wary. "What... Why're you sayin' this? 'Cause I think I'm up the duff an' you don't want me doin' anythin' stupid?" she asked, but her tone was more puzzled than antagonistic.

"Because it needs to be said." he replied, then took a deep breath. "What I am trying to say - and I know you're going to react badly to it - is that I have fallen in love. With you. Feel free to laugh, the mighty empath has fallen to the most basic of feelings. And you know it's true, when you're not lying to yourself. Would you care to see it for yourself? I can hide nothing from you, you know that."

It was like there was no air in the room. Amanda's chest tightened with a combination of fear and... happiness? "You said..." The words came out half-strangled, and she swallowed and tried again. "You said you couldn't love."

"I say a lot of things." he admitted. "Some of them from fear, others from defensiveness, still others from the heart. I know you feel like I do, even if you won't admit it to yourself. So I will do whatever is necessary - for you, for me, for our child. I'll slip, I'll fall, I'll probably make you want to hit me with a sock full of coins again, but I will try. Will you?"

There was too much. Amanda's arms tightened around her stomach, as if trying to hold herself together. For a second she heard Rack's voice in her head: I'm the only one who loves you, blossom. The only one who ever will. Words lied, all the time, but there was something Manuel could do that would prove what he was saying. "Show me," she said hoarsely. "Show me how you feel?"

Manuel nodded, released a breath, drew another, and then dropped his shields entirely. "My mind is open to you. Look at my feelings, Amanda. Feel them for yourself. I have nothing to hide from you. I never have."

Tentatively, nearly choking on the fear that was screaming at her to up and run, that it had to be some kind of trick, Amanda closed her eyes and reached for the link. What she found overwhelmed her, the sincerity of feeling, the strength of it...

True. All of it, everything he said, was true.

Tears worked their way from under her closed eyes, trickled down her face. "I didn't know... I thought, I wanted... but I was scared, Manny, so scared," she whispered, still unable to look at him.

"I know." he said, closing his eyes to rebuild his shields against the world. "I know. But we'll make it work. I know it. Trust me? Maybe? Just a little?" he said with a gentle smile. "Tell me what you're feeling. I want to know, and I want to hear it from you rather than just pulling it out of your brain. You've been really catty lately."

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Amanda opened her eyes and looked at him, almost not sure what to expect, after what she'd seen and felt. "I try. T' trust you, I mean. It's hard - everyone I've ever lo... trusted has hurt me, an' I know you wouldn't do anythin' on purpose, 's just there's part of me that's still a little kid expectin' t' get the shite smacked out of her." She smiled, a little twisted and watery, but a smile. "Seein' you an' Lee gettin' on so well, knowin' she's a lot like me... I thought I was losin' you. An' knowin' I might be..." She took another breath and made the effort to say the word: "...Pregnant. Thinkin' I could be, when I missed last month an' found out 'bout that place, I got scared. I thought you'd cut me off, have nothin' more t' do with the dozy cow who got herself knocked up. Lee's pretty, an' she's perky an' she don't have any of me hang-ups, an' she doesn't look dead stupid in a dress - why wouldn't you want her instead?"

Manuel nodded as he thought about what Amanda had said. "Well, there's not much I can say. Your problems are not with me, they're your problems projected onto me. The proof is in the pudding. While Lee is an entertaining diversion, it's _you_ that I invite into my room, you that I take to bed when the need strikes me. Not her. Do not begrudge me my pets. I do not begrudge you yours." He took another deep breath and released it. "If I wanted a warm body to warm my bed, all I have to do is think about it. I _want_ you - I do not compel you. Think about that."

Amanda nodded, looking down at the floor. "I know," she said in a small voice. "It's stupid an' irrational an' nothin' t' do with you - 's why I didn't talk t' you about it, before. Lee... she pisses me off, same as Ange does for you. But if you can put up with me bein' his friend, I should be able t' handle her bein' yours. I'll try, any way." She looked up, almost shyly. "It helps, knowin' that you... that you feel that way 'bout me. I thought..." With another visible effort, she finished the sentence. "I thought it was just me that felt like that."

Manuel blinked, but that was the only outward sign of his surprise. "Well, that's good." he said shakily. "I think this deserves a celebration, don't you? Let's get out of this dusty mess and go get something to eat, OK? You pick the place, I'll pay this time. Sound good?"

"Yeah, it does. Just gotta do one thing first." She unfolded herself, wincing at the stiffness that had settled in. "'M gunna have t' email Moira, get meself tested. Find out if there is somethin' for us t' deal with." She paused, looking down at him where he was still kneeling on the floor. "Be a bit ironic if we go through all this an' it's just a false alarm, eh?"

Manuel nodded. "True enough. Do - do you want some company, when you go?" he asked shakily. "I will be there if you want me to." He then stood up and paced a few steps. "I will refrain from handing out champagne and cigars until we know for sure. Can't you do the magic thing and tell for sure? I can't sense anything new, but that's hardly surprising."

"You'd do that? I know how much you hate doctors an' medlab." Amanda stood stiffly, brushing the dust off her clothes. "You don't have to - 's probably better if I go on me own. An' I'd appreciate you not sayin' anythin' t' anyone. Wanna figure out what t' do without everyone else puttin' their oar in, y' know? 'Cept the parties involved, that is." She shrugged. "I could, but the spell ain't the easiest thing in the world t' do. Magic got us into this, think I'll let medicine take over for a bit."

"I said I would, so I will." he said stiffly, then nodded. "But it is your decision. We'll be fine."

"Sorry. Bad habit, questionin' people." She approached him, hesitantly reaching to take his hand. "I'll try t' do better."

Manuel smiled at Amanda. "That's all any of us can do, or so Samson says." He patted her hand, then let it drop. "I'm hungry. Food now?"

"Definitely food now. I could eat a horse." She grinned at him, glad to get back to familiar ground after Scary Places. "But not an actual horse. 'Cause as much as you say I have crap tastes, that ain't one of them."

"If you started eating horseflesh, I'd know you were carrying my child." he said with a grin. "Come on, I think my largesse extends as far as Indian food. You do like Indian food, right?"

She gave him a look. "'M English. We practically live on the stuff."

"I thought so. Vindaloo, here we come!" he said with a grin, and then extended his hand out towards Amanda. "Might I have the honor of escorting you to the kitchen?" he asked courteously.

"Thank you, kind sir," she replied, in a reasonable imitation of Marie's Southern accent as she took the offered hand.

Manuel rolled his eyes, but grinned anyway. "That accent is really, really bad." he said affectionately, as he led her out of the room.