Amanda, Nate - Monday evening
Aug. 30th, 2004 06:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsNathan finally tracks down Amanda on the flying platform in the wake of the fight with Jubilee and finds Amanda is definitely Not Coping. Good thing he's there to hug her to death.
She'd stayed in her room until it felt the walls were closing in on her, and then slipped upstais to the flying platform. Somewhere nice and high, where she could think. Or not think, for that matter - every time she let herself consider the repurcussions of what she'd done, she came to some very nasty conclusions about herself. So not-thinking it was, with the help of the small idol she'd had stashed in her drawer and now held in her cupped hands. An ancient household god, made powerful by centuries of worship, carved from a reddish rock not unlike sandstone. The power thrummed throgh her as she drained it dry, banishing the sick feeling in her stomach, clearing her head of those thoughts chasing themselves like rats in her head.
Nathan reached the top of the stairs and came out onto the flying platform, blinking and trying not to wince at the sunset. The light hurt, even after a long nap and another dose of painkillers. Moira had wanted him to stay put - their talk had worried her, he knew that - but he'd pointed out that he hadn't seen Amanda yet. The longer he waited, the more she'd think he was angry with her, and Moira hadn't been able to deny that it was probably better to head that off at the pass.
With the magic coursing through her system and a ward on the stairs, it was easy to sense someone coming. With a quick glance downwards to make sure she wasn't going to hit anyone or anything important, Amanda let the idol slip from her hands to land with a muffled thump in the shrubbery below. No waste - she'd sucked it dry already. So when Nate finally appeared at the door, she was sitting almost serenely on the edge of the platform, smoking and looking across at the sunset, feet dangling over the drop. "Hey," she said, not turning around. Her voice was rough and scratchy from lack of use, and in the sunset light, the bandages around her forearms practically glowed white.
Nathan stared at her. "Do me a favor?" he asked, his voice almost as hoarse as hers. "Put the cigarette out?"
"Sure," she said, stubbing it out on the brickwork beside her, even though it was barely started. She did glance around this time, and her face was pale and pinched. "I was expectin' you t' hunt me down eventually. Here t' tell me how disappointed you are with me?" she asked, with an echo of that street-rat persona she'd largely dropped. Tough it out, Amanda, as much as you can. Don't let them know how far you've fallen.
Nathan stared at her for a moment longer. Then, quickly enough that she didn't have much opportunity to react, he crossed the flyer's platform, dropping to a crouch at her side and wrapping his arms around her.
Amanda squeaked, stiffening instinctively at the sudden move. Then the veneer cracked all at once, and she leaned into the hug, body shaking almost violently. "Oh fuck, Nate, I've made such a mess of everything," she choked.
He laughed a bit raggedly, holding her tightly. "Yeah, well. We tend to do that, we fallible human beings..." She was shaking so hard he was half-afraid she'd shatter in his arms, and her thoughts crashed against his with terrifying force, barely coherent. "It's all right. It's going to be all right."
"It won't, I don't see how..." Amanda was babbling, not really realising what she was saying, just aware that Nate was there, and he wasn't shouting at her. "I've done some awful stuff, Nate, an' it can't be fixed."
"Most things can't. But that doesn't mean you can't live with it." He didn't consider letting go of her, even for a moment. "You can. You can get through it. We'll help. I promise..."
"I've been tryin', so hard, an' it doesn't get any better. It just gets worse. Angelo won't talk t' me any more, an' Manny..." She was crying freely now, tired of pretending she didn't care. "An' Lee just kept at me, an' at me, 'til I couldn't take it any more. I wasn't gunna use powers on her, I swear I wasn't, but she hurt me first, an' I just lost it."
"Shh." Nathan raised a hand to stroke her hair gently. "I don't care, Amanda. About what happened with Jubilee. I really don't. You're okay. That's all that matters."
"But..." 'I'm not' she meant to say, but there were some things she couldn't face, and Nathan's disappointment if he found out she was using again was one of them. "It's so hard," she said instead, not even realising she had half-burrowed into him, not wanting him to let her go. "I keep fuckin' up an' it's gettin' so hard t' go on. What kind of monster am I, Nate? I broke her fuckin' arm, for Christ's sake."
"Not a monster. We're capable of a lot of things when we're pushed too far, Amanda. A lot of things." He closed his eyes, sighing heavily. "Not a monster," he repeated very softly.
"When no-one said anythin', I thought... I thought you were so mad at me you didn't want t' know me," she sniffled, gradually relaxing as he rocked her slightly. She was so very tired, even with the borrowed power burning through her system. All she wanted to do was close her eyes and have everything go away. "I can't do it alone any more, Nate, I tried. I've tried t' cope with it all, an' it's just gettin' worse. 'M sorry."
"I'm sorry. I've been..." He gave a weak laugh. "Asleep. Asleep a lot, since yesterday morning. I know that sound really pitiful, Amanda. I'm sorry, I should have come sooner." His eyes stung, and he didn't try to hold back the tears. She had her face buried in his shoulder anyway. She wouldn't see. "You don't have to do it alone. You don't."
"'M sorry, Nate, just so sorry, for everythin'..." Amanda sobbed. Jubilee. The addiction. Manuel and Angelo. Even Asgard and what she'd done there. So much she'd messed up. "I just... want it... t' stop. An' I... can't. I can't..." Coherent speech left her, and she gave up trying, hanging onto Nate's shirtfront for dear life and sobbing into his shoulder. She was doing that so often lately. Making Nate soggy. "I gave up," she managed to choke out eventually, the words half-strangled with sobs. "I couldn't... fight any more."
"We all do it sometimes," he said, his voice barely audible. Thinking about his discussion with Moira this afternoon. "Sometimes it's just too much. But it's okay... we have to believe it's okay. That people will be there to catch us when we fall..."
Her hands tightened on his shirt again. "I try," she whispered, the sobs gradually receding. "I try an' let people help, but it's hard t' trust, even now. People leave, or they have their own problems, an' I don't wanna be a burden. I can't be weak, or I'll get into trouble..."
His own words to Moira about not wanting to weak came back in a flash. "You won't. I swear you won't." He took a deep, shaky breath, telling himself to pull it together. Be here for her. Since he was the adult and all. "You can lean on me. Whenever you need to. It would take more than you could ever do to scare me away, Amanda. I'm tough that way."
"He used t' hit me, when I couldn't do what he wanted..." Amanda said in that small, almost broken whisper. "I tried so hard t' please him, an' I never could... An' there was no-one t' help me..." Her eyes were squeezed shut, but she could feel Nathan's heart beating beneath the shirt, the shaky breathing. "I don't want t' go back t' that."
"That's gone," Nathan said as firmly as he could. "It's gone forever, Amanda, and so is he." He wrapped his arms around her even more securely, wishing he could make her feel safe, protected. If only his telepathy wasn't on the fritz along with the TK....
"Manny... I can't be what he wants me t' be. I just keep tearin' him up, an' it's not fair, it's not fair on either of us..." Amanda's shaking was returning as the magic burned out of her system. The buzzes were getting shorter and shorter. "He needs me t' be there for him, but I can't, I'm scared, 'm scared of lettin' him in. I've never felt like this before 'bout anyone, an' I don't know wht t' do, how t'... I can't even say the bloody words to him, Nate." Tired. So very tired...
"Just breathe," he told her, his voice breaking. She was scaring him. Well and truly scaring him. "You can't do anything right now. You need to rest, and stop being so hard on yourself..."
"I can't..." Amanda wasn't even sure what it was she couldn't do. Breathe? Rest? It felt like the world was coming down in pieces around her. "'M cold, Nate," she managed at last, through chattering teeth, even though it was still relatively mild out. "Take me back in? Don't think I can make it."
Nathan swallowed and scooped her up in his arms, rising. She barely weighed anything. "You can," he said almost miserably, turning and heading for the stairs. "You're going to. We're going to make sure of it. I am not losing you, mi'caehla. I'm not."
His arms felt so strong around her, Amanda noted tiredly. Strong and safe. Maybe she could lean on him just for a little while... "I'll try, mi'pathris," she murmured, not letting go her hold on his shirt even as she slid into exhausted sleep, muscles still trembling.
Someone was going to call him on walking down the hall crying, Nathan told himself. To be honest, he really didn't care. And he wasn't taking her back to her room, either, he thought fitfully. Large couches were good for many things, including keeping emotionally fragile little witches where you could keep an eye on them.
Cut text comes from "Haunted" by Poe. Many thanks to Ande for pointing it my way.
She'd stayed in her room until it felt the walls were closing in on her, and then slipped upstais to the flying platform. Somewhere nice and high, where she could think. Or not think, for that matter - every time she let herself consider the repurcussions of what she'd done, she came to some very nasty conclusions about herself. So not-thinking it was, with the help of the small idol she'd had stashed in her drawer and now held in her cupped hands. An ancient household god, made powerful by centuries of worship, carved from a reddish rock not unlike sandstone. The power thrummed throgh her as she drained it dry, banishing the sick feeling in her stomach, clearing her head of those thoughts chasing themselves like rats in her head.
Nathan reached the top of the stairs and came out onto the flying platform, blinking and trying not to wince at the sunset. The light hurt, even after a long nap and another dose of painkillers. Moira had wanted him to stay put - their talk had worried her, he knew that - but he'd pointed out that he hadn't seen Amanda yet. The longer he waited, the more she'd think he was angry with her, and Moira hadn't been able to deny that it was probably better to head that off at the pass.
With the magic coursing through her system and a ward on the stairs, it was easy to sense someone coming. With a quick glance downwards to make sure she wasn't going to hit anyone or anything important, Amanda let the idol slip from her hands to land with a muffled thump in the shrubbery below. No waste - she'd sucked it dry already. So when Nate finally appeared at the door, she was sitting almost serenely on the edge of the platform, smoking and looking across at the sunset, feet dangling over the drop. "Hey," she said, not turning around. Her voice was rough and scratchy from lack of use, and in the sunset light, the bandages around her forearms practically glowed white.
Nathan stared at her. "Do me a favor?" he asked, his voice almost as hoarse as hers. "Put the cigarette out?"
"Sure," she said, stubbing it out on the brickwork beside her, even though it was barely started. She did glance around this time, and her face was pale and pinched. "I was expectin' you t' hunt me down eventually. Here t' tell me how disappointed you are with me?" she asked, with an echo of that street-rat persona she'd largely dropped. Tough it out, Amanda, as much as you can. Don't let them know how far you've fallen.
Nathan stared at her for a moment longer. Then, quickly enough that she didn't have much opportunity to react, he crossed the flyer's platform, dropping to a crouch at her side and wrapping his arms around her.
Amanda squeaked, stiffening instinctively at the sudden move. Then the veneer cracked all at once, and she leaned into the hug, body shaking almost violently. "Oh fuck, Nate, I've made such a mess of everything," she choked.
He laughed a bit raggedly, holding her tightly. "Yeah, well. We tend to do that, we fallible human beings..." She was shaking so hard he was half-afraid she'd shatter in his arms, and her thoughts crashed against his with terrifying force, barely coherent. "It's all right. It's going to be all right."
"It won't, I don't see how..." Amanda was babbling, not really realising what she was saying, just aware that Nate was there, and he wasn't shouting at her. "I've done some awful stuff, Nate, an' it can't be fixed."
"Most things can't. But that doesn't mean you can't live with it." He didn't consider letting go of her, even for a moment. "You can. You can get through it. We'll help. I promise..."
"I've been tryin', so hard, an' it doesn't get any better. It just gets worse. Angelo won't talk t' me any more, an' Manny..." She was crying freely now, tired of pretending she didn't care. "An' Lee just kept at me, an' at me, 'til I couldn't take it any more. I wasn't gunna use powers on her, I swear I wasn't, but she hurt me first, an' I just lost it."
"Shh." Nathan raised a hand to stroke her hair gently. "I don't care, Amanda. About what happened with Jubilee. I really don't. You're okay. That's all that matters."
"But..." 'I'm not' she meant to say, but there were some things she couldn't face, and Nathan's disappointment if he found out she was using again was one of them. "It's so hard," she said instead, not even realising she had half-burrowed into him, not wanting him to let her go. "I keep fuckin' up an' it's gettin' so hard t' go on. What kind of monster am I, Nate? I broke her fuckin' arm, for Christ's sake."
"Not a monster. We're capable of a lot of things when we're pushed too far, Amanda. A lot of things." He closed his eyes, sighing heavily. "Not a monster," he repeated very softly.
"When no-one said anythin', I thought... I thought you were so mad at me you didn't want t' know me," she sniffled, gradually relaxing as he rocked her slightly. She was so very tired, even with the borrowed power burning through her system. All she wanted to do was close her eyes and have everything go away. "I can't do it alone any more, Nate, I tried. I've tried t' cope with it all, an' it's just gettin' worse. 'M sorry."
"I'm sorry. I've been..." He gave a weak laugh. "Asleep. Asleep a lot, since yesterday morning. I know that sound really pitiful, Amanda. I'm sorry, I should have come sooner." His eyes stung, and he didn't try to hold back the tears. She had her face buried in his shoulder anyway. She wouldn't see. "You don't have to do it alone. You don't."
"'M sorry, Nate, just so sorry, for everythin'..." Amanda sobbed. Jubilee. The addiction. Manuel and Angelo. Even Asgard and what she'd done there. So much she'd messed up. "I just... want it... t' stop. An' I... can't. I can't..." Coherent speech left her, and she gave up trying, hanging onto Nate's shirtfront for dear life and sobbing into his shoulder. She was doing that so often lately. Making Nate soggy. "I gave up," she managed to choke out eventually, the words half-strangled with sobs. "I couldn't... fight any more."
"We all do it sometimes," he said, his voice barely audible. Thinking about his discussion with Moira this afternoon. "Sometimes it's just too much. But it's okay... we have to believe it's okay. That people will be there to catch us when we fall..."
Her hands tightened on his shirt again. "I try," she whispered, the sobs gradually receding. "I try an' let people help, but it's hard t' trust, even now. People leave, or they have their own problems, an' I don't wanna be a burden. I can't be weak, or I'll get into trouble..."
His own words to Moira about not wanting to weak came back in a flash. "You won't. I swear you won't." He took a deep, shaky breath, telling himself to pull it together. Be here for her. Since he was the adult and all. "You can lean on me. Whenever you need to. It would take more than you could ever do to scare me away, Amanda. I'm tough that way."
"He used t' hit me, when I couldn't do what he wanted..." Amanda said in that small, almost broken whisper. "I tried so hard t' please him, an' I never could... An' there was no-one t' help me..." Her eyes were squeezed shut, but she could feel Nathan's heart beating beneath the shirt, the shaky breathing. "I don't want t' go back t' that."
"That's gone," Nathan said as firmly as he could. "It's gone forever, Amanda, and so is he." He wrapped his arms around her even more securely, wishing he could make her feel safe, protected. If only his telepathy wasn't on the fritz along with the TK....
"Manny... I can't be what he wants me t' be. I just keep tearin' him up, an' it's not fair, it's not fair on either of us..." Amanda's shaking was returning as the magic burned out of her system. The buzzes were getting shorter and shorter. "He needs me t' be there for him, but I can't, I'm scared, 'm scared of lettin' him in. I've never felt like this before 'bout anyone, an' I don't know wht t' do, how t'... I can't even say the bloody words to him, Nate." Tired. So very tired...
"Just breathe," he told her, his voice breaking. She was scaring him. Well and truly scaring him. "You can't do anything right now. You need to rest, and stop being so hard on yourself..."
"I can't..." Amanda wasn't even sure what it was she couldn't do. Breathe? Rest? It felt like the world was coming down in pieces around her. "'M cold, Nate," she managed at last, through chattering teeth, even though it was still relatively mild out. "Take me back in? Don't think I can make it."
Nathan swallowed and scooped her up in his arms, rising. She barely weighed anything. "You can," he said almost miserably, turning and heading for the stairs. "You're going to. We're going to make sure of it. I am not losing you, mi'caehla. I'm not."
His arms felt so strong around her, Amanda noted tiredly. Strong and safe. Maybe she could lean on him just for a little while... "I'll try, mi'pathris," she murmured, not letting go her hold on his shirt even as she slid into exhausted sleep, muscles still trembling.
Someone was going to call him on walking down the hall crying, Nathan told himself. To be honest, he really didn't care. And he wasn't taking her back to her room, either, he thought fitfully. Large couches were good for many things, including keeping emotionally fragile little witches where you could keep an eye on them.
Cut text comes from "Haunted" by Poe. Many thanks to Ande for pointing it my way.
