xp_logs | Nathan and Manuel, Tuesday morning

Nathan and Manuel have their first lesson since before Mistra. Manuel isn't handling recent events well. Nathan isn't handling Manuel well. They talk about actions, inaction, and consequences. Nathan eventually tries to do the smart thing and haul Manuel off to Charles, but Manny isn't having any of that.

Manuel arrived promptly at 8:55 for his 9AM class. He had a cup of coffee in one hand, and he quite frankly looked terrible. Red-rimmed eyes (not glowing, just excess wear and tear), unshaven, hair an absolute mess. Even his clothes were rumpled. He sank into his chair, and waited for the inevitable all-morning-long chewing out that was his due. Idly, his free hand drummed his fingers against the tabletop.

Nathan arrived at five minutes after the hour. He had seriously considered cancelling the class this morning, after the events of yesterday and the weekend, but he had agreed to start his sessions with Manuel - the academic ones, not the empathic ones; Charles had made it very clear that his active role in those was done - back up this week and he wasn't going to go back on that. Besides, he needed something to do before Jack got here besides sit there and vibrate.

"Morning," he said in a neutral voice, sitting down.

"Morning." Manuel replied, just as neutrally. He sipped from his coffee, and mentally braced himself for the (hopefully metaphorical!) beatings to begin. "What are we working on today?"

"Reading," Nathan said, pulling one of the books out of his bag and checking to make sure he'd marked the right section. "I ordered this a few weeks ago," he said, handing over 'The Basque History of the World'. "We haven't had a chance to look at it yet, for obvious reasons."

Manuel looked at the book, and actually managed a half-smile. "Nice selection." he commented, then sipped at his coffee and pulled the book over to him. "You look pretty good, all things considered. Guess my little lapse of judgement didn't hurt you too badly."

Lapse of... oh. Nathan frowned a little, watching Manuel leaf through the book. He bit back the immediate, facile response - Manuel didn't want to hear that it wasn't his fault, after all - and shrugged. "I'm not allowed to levitate so much as a spoon until at least this weekend. Moderately frustrating, but I'll live. Take a look at the spot I have marked - it's a chapter on the bombing of Guernica by the Germans in 1937."

Manuel flipped the book open to that particular page, and looked down at the English text. "Guess I'm to thank for that, too." he said, making a vague gesture towards Nathan's head. He then sighed. "I'm sorry, Nathan, but I'm not going to be much of a student for you today."

"It's been a... crowded few days," Nathan said, more wryly than he would have thought he was capable of sounding, given the circumstances. "I don't really need the telepathy to know that you're distracted."

"It's not every weekend I put a half-dozen people in the Infirmary." he agreed, then sipped at his coffee. "I keep fooling myself that I have control over things."

"You sound like me," Nathan said after a moment. "After Columbia. When I was wandering around for two days telling everyone who'd listened that I'd killed forty-six innocent people."

"I suppose I do." he said. "Guess being a hardened killer already didn't help too much with that, did it?" he said. "I don't know, Nathan, I keep thinking I should be able to do some good, to help people. But it never works out that way. I could have stopped Shiro _cold_ before he hurt anyone, including himself. I walked right past him, and I didn't do a thing."

Nathan rubbed his eyes, glad he'd knuckled under and taken a painkiller this morning. At least it would stop the headache from getting worse, metaphorical kindling being thrown on the fire or not. "And how do you think he would have reacted to being stopped by you, like that? Once whatever emotion you used to prevent him from flying away wore off?"

"That's what I was afraid you would say. That it doesn't matter if I could have saved four by messing with one, or instead put all four in the Infirmary by doing nothing." Manuel mused. "I shouldn't be making changes at all, right?"

"No, that's not what I meant." Nathan leaned back in the chair, sighing. "Shiro was in a state over having been manipulated, right? You could have prevented the initial explosion, but could you have stopped him from trying it again as soon as everyone's back was turned?" He paused, grimacing a bit as he reflected that Charles could have, possibly, once he'd been aware of the problem. "It's not as simple an equation as you seem to think it is," he went on, more tiredly. "Maybe you could have made a difference. Maybe you would have made things worse. In any case, no one's dead, Manuel, and when it comes right down to it, it wasn't your responsibility to stop Shiro."

"I got lucky." Manuel said after a moment of translation. "No one died - this time."

"This is entirely too ironic," Nathan said. "All the times I wished you had more of a sense of responsibility when it came to your powers. Figures that you'd use it to flagellate yourself, once you started developing it. I wonder if it's a psi-thing."

"I'm glad you're amused. I've been pondering banishing it entirely. Shiro gave me the idea. Oh, there won't be any theatrics, no one getting hurt beyond maybe one person, but that's unavoidable. It'd be for the best anyway, given how miserable she is and what a cock-up I've made of things. I can't control things, not without changing people and hurting them." he said. "Chemical oblivion sounds pretty good right now. I'll have to see if they can find something without all the nasty side-effects."

"No," Nathan said very quietly, "I don't think you'll be doing that."

"Why not? If I can gently break the link, and find a good mix of chemicals, why shouldn't I? It's not like it's needed, wanted, or actually done anyone any good. Maybe without it I can be a decent human being." he commented, then sipped at his coffee. "I'm the kind of person who puts innocents in the hospital because I didn't use my power, and puts people in the grave when I do."

"Because trying to cripple yourself, just when you're starting to care about how you do use your power, is just another extreme. Probably just as damaging as purely selfish use of your empathy was." The headache was winning over the painkiller. Or maybe it was just his blood pressure.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't. Just one. I can't think of any, and I've had a few people tell me that I'm prone to seeing things one way or the other, so maybe you can think of something I haven't." Manuel said, then drained his coffee down to the dregs. "I don't see it as crippling as ... amputation. Removal of something unwanted. And if I do this, all those futures Marie-Ange loves to remind me about can't happen. The world is saved!"

Nathan let the air in his lungs out on a sigh. "You shouldn't, because your power can do good. Once you know how to use it that way. Don't let your impatience blind you to that."

Manuel nodded. "Right. I keep hearing this, but I don't see it. Should we go find Marie-Ange and ask her to verify that for us? People keep telling me "You can do good with it. It can be helpful to people." But if I don't see it that way. People get hurt because of me. All the time."

"And you think you're unique in that?" Nathan asked. "Or that you're the only one to blame for the casualties on Friday?"

"Probably not, and definitely. In that order." Manuel said. "If I had done what I should have, then none of the rest would be put at risk. Paul wouldn't be dying in Medlab, your brain would not have been sprained, and Scott wouldn't have been exposed either." he said patiently. "Can you honestly sit there and tell me that if I had stopped Shiro, that you still would have been damaged?"

"You're still missing something," Nathan said. "Actually, you're missing several things, but one of them is rather important. What's Shiro's responsibility in all of this?"

"I was taking it as a given that he wanted his power gone." Manuel admitted. "But I could have taken that from him, and then gone to see Samson, or Xavier."

"You could have, but you didn't." Nathan sighed heavily. "Manuel, you're just beginning to believe that there are times when it's not appropriate to use your power. It's taken a fundamental change in the way you think to even entertain that possibility. Why, precisely, do you think that progress on that score means that you suddenly should be able to tell when and where you should use your power, without hesitating?"

"Because that's what is expected of me." he said sadly. "Actions have consequences. My lack of action also has consequences. And I don't have the power to avoid them this time."

"No one's dead, Manuel," Nathan said. "Not the four of us who were out over the Atlantic on Friday. Not Amanda or Jubilee, either. Consequences can be dealt with."

Manuel shrugged. "You are making it difficult for me to care, you know."

Nathan stopped, staring. "What... the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You tell me that there will be consequences, yet there really aren't any. I let Shiro walk, but nobody died because of it. Oh well, everything turned out OK in the end!" he said with a sneer. "Dammit, I am _trying_ to give myself a consequence that I can't get out of!"

Nathan just stared. "Oh, okay," he said finally. "I get it. You hesitated to use your power to manipulate someone who was already more than half-suicidal because he had been manipulated. Instead, you ran to get someone who could help him. But because the rescue didn't go swimmingly, somehow it's entirely your fault?"

"An unkind evaluation, but basically correct." he said. "You can't argue with four people in Medlab, Nathan. No matter how you spin it."

Oh, for the love of... the furniture rattled and Nathan sucked in a sharp, pained breath, clutching at his skull as he struggled to lock down his TK. Stop doing that, idiot... Manuel definitely didn't need him falling over bleeding from the head. "I can argue with you taking sole responsibility for it, though," he said a bit raggedly. "It was Shiro's decision to do what he did. It was our decision to go after him. Hell, if we wanted to play the blame game, Paul is sick because I couldn't hold the damned plane steady and catch Shiro at the same time."

"And none of you would have been there if I had done the right thing." he retorted. "I still think I and everyone else would be better off with this power gone."

"So you're making the decision for everyone else?" Nathan asked. "All the people you could help with your power?"

"All zero people, then?" he retorted, playing with his empty coffee cup. "Ask Lorna how well that goes. Or ask Marie-Ange."

"I didn't wind up with Mistra again after Columbia, did I? Amanda's not there right now, being put through conditioning because they've realized that magic is real and hey, look at all the combat applications?" Nathan's jaw clenched. "And Shiro's not dead, is he? If we'd been five minutes later getting off the ground on Friday, he would be."

"And if I had done what I've been saying I should have done, the Shiro thing would be a nonissue, because he never would have left in the first place." Manuel pointed out. "And I bought your release from Mistra with _blood_, Nathan. Remember? Fucked Amanda up but good, killed dozens of people. I don't see a whole lot of good there."

"What do you want, Manuel?" Nathan demanded. "To be punished? Or for it to be easy?"

"I want it _gone_. Best possible result for the largest possible number of people. The math works out quite nicely. I'm in an bad place - if I use my power, people get hurt. If I don't use my power, people get hurt."

"But you don't want to hurt people," Nathan said, that brief flash of anger fading.

Manuel gave Nathan a disgusted look. "No, actually, I really get off on pain. I talk to you multiple times a week, after all."

"You don't want to hurt people," Nathan persisted stubbornly. "You're not thinking about yourself here. You're thinking about the effect your power is having on everyone else."

Manuel nodded. "That's right."

"Do you not deserve the chance to learn from your mistakes? To do better?" Nathan stared across the table at him, wishing he could... hell, he didn't know. Didn't know what to do. Probably shouldn't be trying anything, then, but... "Why is it suddenly too much? Who's told you that you've used up your last bit of grace, Manuel?"

"I'm fairly sure that happened when you, Scott, Shiro, and Paul all wound in medical because of something I didn't do, and when Amanda and Jubilee had their little catfight because of things I did do." he answered. "It's not like I haven't thought about it a lot over the last two months or so. Ever since the Box."

"No," Nathan said suddenly, flatly. "Amanda and Jubilee... that's you, Manuel, or partially you, at least. I won't try and convince you otherwise, because I don't believe it myself." He shook his head. "But Friday... not Friday. Are you an X-Man, Manuel?"

Manuel laughed at the very idea. "Not even close."

"Are you a staff member at this school?"

Manuel laughed again. "I can see where you are going with this. Your argument falls apart in that I allowed everything to happen by omission of action."

"But you did act. You came and found me. I told Charles and Scott, and we went after him." Nathan peered at him, frustrated. "Why can't you see that? It's not like you turned around and left him to his fate, Manuel."

"I may as well have." replied Manuel. "Just because I halfassed it after the fact doesn't absolve me."

"Half-assed it... I beg your fucking pardon," Nathan snapped. "Now that's just damned arrogant, Manuel."

"I have the power. I could have very easily shut him down - about as easily as a healthy you could pick me up via telekinesis." Manuel pointed out. "I really am very strong."

"Your own freedom of will is very important to you," Nathan countered. "Why are you denying us ours? We were not pawns, Manuel, trapped in something we didn't want to do just because you, the king, choose not to make the move you think you should have."

"I'm not denying you anything. I'm enhancing your freedom of will - freedom to have your emotions untampered-with, freedom to not have to clean up after my meses." he said reasonably, albeit with clenched fists. "Freedom to be who you are without any interference from me."

"Bullshit," Nathan snapped quite deliberately, noting the clenched fists. "You failed to exercise the glory that is your power, and left us lesser mortals to fumble around in your absence and get ourselves all banged up. You don't feel like you lived up to your own standards, that's the problem here."

Manuel forced himself to relax his fists back into open hands. "If you choose to think of it that way, I cannot stop you." he said. "And there's nothing glorious about my power. Yours are the glorious ones - the telepathy and the telekinesis. Empathy's a _curse_, not a power anyone should take any pride in."

Oh, so we're not going to be goaded, are we? Nathan shook his head suddenly. "Why do you think Charles doesn't change the minds of everyone in the world who hates mutants?"

"Because he is unwilling to make the hard decisions and do what is necessary?" Manuel guessed. "I don't know. He's got funny ideas that way, especially for someone with as much power as he has."

"Just because you have the power to do something doesn't mean that you should," Nathan said, the words coming out sounding tired again. "And as for you... maybe you could have stopped Shiro cold. Maybe you even should have. But you didn't. And we took care of it." He regarded Manuel as levelly as he could. "What happens the next time? If you've learned from this, if you really, truly believe that you should have stopped Shiro... how do you stop the next person, if you've drugged yourself headblind?"

"I don't put myself in a position where I'll ever have to do anything of the sort. Normal people don't have to make these kinds of decisions." Manuel pointed out. "It's only in here where this sort of insanity goes on."

"And what do you do," Nathan said, very quietly, "when the next unprincipled bastard says 'Look, here's a perfectly good empath. Let's just get the drugs out of his system and put him to work'?"

Manuel held up his wrists. "Brachial artery. Quick, clean cuts down the length of the forearm, not across it. I should bleed out in a matter of minutes." he said matter-of-factly. "I've seen it done, I can do it."

"Manuel..." Can't do this, can't DO this, a voice was gibbering at the back of his head, but he ignored it, walled it up and left it there to scream unheard. "Look at me," he went on as steadily as he could - which wasn't, particularly. "You helped us save Shiro's life. You screwed up with Jubilee and Amanda - I can't deny that, but you didn't screw up because you're an empath. It happened because you were in pain, and you didn't think."

"It is the combination that is especially important." he noted. "But ordinary people in pain don't cause other people to wind up with radiation sickness. Or broken arms."

Nathan opened his mouth, then closed it again. "Up," he said finally, rising to his feet. "Get up and come with me."

Manuel stood up slowly. "Where are we going?" he asked. "And is there a point to this?"

"There is a point to everything I do, Manuel. You should know that by now." Nathan started out of the room, not bothering to look back to see if Manuel followered.

"So there's a point in you getting injured every Wednesday for the past three months?" he smirked, but did tag along afterwords.

Nathan stopped in the hall, suddenly enough that Manuel almost ran into him. "Is that your way of taking me to task for all the disruptions in your study this summer?" he asked tightly. "Because if so, point taken." He started moving forward again, leaving Manuel to follow.

"It's a comment on the absurdity of your statement." he muttered as he followed along. "Just where are you leading me?"

"To Charles," Nathan said, without looking back. "Something I should have done about fifteen minutes ago."

Manuel blinked. "What's going on here?" he asked suspiciously. "Why are you involving Charles?"

"Because you need to talk to someone who can... empathize with you," Nathan said, a bitter twist to the word. "Someone who understands what it's like to have that much power and so few choices. I am not that person. I levitate shit."

"You take stuff apart at the molecular level. Don't shit around with me." Manuel said. "It pisses me off."

Nathan spun around to face him. "And that's simple," he hissed. "It's destruction. Straightforward. Threatening only in a physical sense. I can't reach out and change the minds of half the planet with a thought."

"I doubt I could touch half the planet. Best I've been able to do that I know of is a packed nightclub. Couple of hundred people, tops." Manuel said, then shut up. "And you're a telepath as well."

"A weak one, as you take such pains to point out to me so often. All I do is overhear stuff I would probably do better to miss entirely." Nathan turned and headed up the stairs, leaving Manuel to follow.

Manuel trudged along, dreading the royal ass-chewing that was sure to follow.

Nathan stopped on the stairs again. "No one is going to chew your ass!" he nearly snarled, whirling around to face Manuel - and wound up sitting on the stairs as his balance deserted him. "For fuck's sake, kid," he said almost brokenly, his eyes stinging. "Why are you so hard on yourself? When have you had the chance to fucking absorb what you have learned? Columbia, then Asgard, and then you get thrown right back into the middle of it all nearly as soon as you're back..."

Manuel didn't answer, but his thoughts chased themselves around in a circle - guilt and anger, a very heady cocktail indeed. ~Since I can't keep control over my own life!~ was the thought at the center of the maelstrom.

And Nathan heard it. His shields, not all that sturdy since Mistra, had been even less so since Friday's escapade. "Because you've had it taken from you," he said hoarsely, raising a hand to wipe his eyes. Fuck. Getting weepy in front of the boy - what the fuck was the matter with him these days? He did need a fucking vacation. "Because you've had it taken from you so many times, over and over again, that you're not sure what to do with it when you have it."

Manuel drew in on himself, slamming down the shields on his mind. "Stay out of my head." he said coldly.

Nathan laughed a bit wildly, using the bannister to pull himself back to his feet. "Not in your head. Not in mine, either, that's the problem... see? Things do change. You can shield almost without fail, a summer later. I can hardly keep my thoughts to myself." Up. Climb the stairs, get him to Charles.

Manuel stayed precisely where he was and glared daggers at Nathan. "Now is when I exercise some of that free will you seem to be so determined to take from me." And then he turned around and walked away.

"Manuel," Nathan called sharply. "A deal."

"Is off. Fail me, I don't care. You fail me, I get what I want." he said before walking completely out of earshot.

Nathan gritted his teeth. Moira would just have to forgive him. #Manuel,# he sent sharply. #Talk to Charles and I'll stop. No more lectures, no more telling you what you are and aren't doing wrong.#

Manuel, his shields buttoned up tight, ignored or possibly didn't get Nathan's sending.

Nathan sat back down on the stairs, sinking his face into his hands. He'd just rest for a minute, he told himself faintly. Then he'd go and see Charles anyway. He needed to know.