xp_logs | Sam and Jay

x-cannonball.livejournal.com posting in

Sam comes by to check on Jay after seeing his journal post. Sam tries to draw Jay out a bit, with middling success. Sam is sad over how he's made a mess of his relationship with most of his family. Jay is bitter and apathetic. Warning: lots of phonetic spelling of Guthrie accents. :)

Sam paused outside the room he'd been told his brother was living in. He was more than a little worried by the way Josh...no, he'd introduced himself as Jay...had cavalierly tossed off the phrase "hate crimes". Raising his hand, he knocked. "Jo...Jay? It's Sam."

Jay was sitting on the couch in his emtpy common room, guitar on his lap, trying to play something, but nothing came to him. He sighed in frustration and then heard the knock. Rolling his eyes and preparing for the worst, he sat up. "C'min."

Sam entered at his brother's reply, looking around the room and fishing for a conversation starter besides 'so, what'd you mean by hate crimes?' That was a little too blunt. "So, uh, how ya settlin' in?" Sam asked lamely.

Jay shrugged. "Okay, Ah guess. S' a nice place ya'll got here. Everythin's all hunkey dorey."

Sam snorted. "Bullcrap." He struggled with the urge to call his brother 'Joshie', but that was a name for a little brother, not the sad, slightly bitter young man in front of him. "If everything's all hunky-dory, why'd ya talk about how ya ain't got nothin' to say, and mention hate crimes all casual-like?"

"What d'ya want me to say, Sam?" Jay asked angrily, putting his guitar own carefully before standing up to his full height, staring his older brother straight in the eye. "What should Ah be doin'? Breakin' down an' cryin' like a baby? Spillin' mah guts to a heap of people Ah don't even know?"

Sam almost stepped back in shock at realizing that Josh was now the same height as him. ~When'd he get so tall?~ Sam thought, then saddened as he realized he hadn't been all that good at keeping in touch with his family since coming to Xavier's. And hell, if he was being honest with himself, it wasn't like he had been a very good brother to Paige, either, and she lived right there in the mansion. "No, Ah'm not sayin' that, Jay. What Ah'm sayin' is that ya can't keep all your feelin's bottled up inside. There are good people here if ya get to know them. And ya've got family here, too. Ah know Ah ain't been the best brother..."

Jay snorted. "Ya' dang right, there. What, ya'll've been too busy here to call at last once? Or didja just feel like since you're in good ole New York that ya can ignore your Kentucky roots? Not one word from you in months! Ya have no idea 'bout nothin', Sam. Don't pretend ta' care."

Sam winced. Jay's words stung, all the more because they were true. He had withdrawn from his family just as much as he had from the rest of the school. "Ah ain't pretendin', Jay," Sam replied sadly. "Ah do care, even if Ah ain't been too good at showin' it lately. Ah'm human, and Ah ain't even been a very good friend to anyone here lately. But Ah want to try and fix that, cuz it sounds like ya need family more than ever right now."

"Ya left me, Sam," Jay said angrily, fists clenched tightly. Even his wings looked angry. "Ya left me and Ma ta' care for everythin'. You and Paige both. Just because ya'll're dang muties! Get ta leave home and come here and forget 'bout everythin'! Ah don't need ya. What Ah need is something Ah can never have."

Sam blew out a sigh and scrubbed a hand through his hair. The temptation to let the subject drop and go back to his old hermit ways was strong, but he fought it. "Ah tried to send money when I could, Jay," Sam replied. "Ah know that ain't near enough, but Ah can't change the past. The best Ah can do is try to change m'self and try to do better. If you'll give me a chance, that is."

Jay sighed and started pacing around the room, trying to get himself to stop seeing red. "Yeah, because money solves everyone's problems. You're such a Yank," he said spitefully. "What do ya wanna know, then?"

"Ah know money don't solve everythin', Jay," Sam replied just short of snapping. "But sometimes it was the best Ah could do from here," he said, knowing that he could have probably done more, and feeling guilty for it. Sighing again, he continued. "Mostly, Ah guess Ah wanted to know what all that talk of hate crimes was about. Scared the bejeezus out of me."

Jay shook his head and leaned against the window frame, looking out. "Ah got attacked. Got killed almost, then got better. I can do that, y'know. S'part of being a mutie, Ah can heal almost at once. No scars or anythin'." Except for the ones inside.

Sam nodded slowly. "Healin' factor." He recognized the slightly bitter look on Jay's face, having seen it on Logan's face a couple times. "Why'd they attack ya?" he asked. "Cuz you're a 'damn mutie'?"

"Ya remember the Cabots?" Jay asked, crossing his arms over his chest, almost hugging himself as if he were cold and wanted to warm himself up.

Sam grimaced in recollection. "Yeah. Unfortunately. Bunch o' bigoted trash, for the most part. They the ones that came after ya?"

"Yeah, all 'cuz of . . ." Jay bit his lip. Might as well say it. "All 'cuz of me and Kev."

Sam blinked. "Kev Cabot?" he asked, slightly incredulously. It wasn't so much about his brother being gay as apparently having been involved with one of the Cabot clan.

Jay nodded slowly. "Yeah. Me an' him . . . It didn't end well." He could feel his eyes start to water, so he screwed them shut, willing it to stop. Just thinking about it opened a hole in his chest.

Sam bit his lip. "Damn, Jay. Ah'm sorry. How bad did it end?" He yearned to offer some comfort to his brother, but he had the feeling it wouldn't be taken very well.

"With him dead and me wantin' to die too. But Ah couldn't, see." He took a Swiss Army knife from his pocket and cut himself on his forearm. In a matter of seconds, the wound closed up, leaving a thin red line of dried blood behind. "Kev's gone and Ah can't go with him."

Sam winced, at a loss for what to say. 'I'm sorry' seemed woefully inadequate. "Ah wish Ah knew what to say, Jay," he admitted finally. "Everythin' Ah could say seems like not nearly enough."

"Then don' say nothin'," Jay responded, quietly but firmly. "Ah don't need your sympathy, Sam. Don't want it neither." He brushed stray strands of dark blond hair away from his face before looking back at his brother. "Ya' happy now?"

Sam sighed and looked off out the window for a moment. "No, Ah ain't, Jay," he replied slowly. "M' brother is hurtin' and Ah can't fix it. All Ah can do is try and be here for you ta talk to, if you ever decide Ah'm worth another chance. Ah love ya, Jay, even if Ah've been a horse's ass about showin' it. Ya want Ah should show m'self out, seein' as Ah'm not your favorite person in the world right now?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, ya do that." Jay looked back out the window, pressing his face against the glass. "Just go. Ah don't wanna talk no more."

Sam walked to the door. Turning around before he left, he smiled sadly. "Ah'll be around if ya need me, Jay," he said softly. When Jay didn't respond, he turned and left, closing the door gently behind him.