Honesty is the best policy.

[x-polarisstar.livejournal.com]

Monday. Paul follows up on his promise to talk to Lorna. Once they've established that she was stupid, selfish and wrong, they move on to discuss the mansion, cruel people and a little bit of backstory. She also gives him coffee. Shhh, don't tell Hank!




Paul flexed his fingers. They hurt, this was good. He'd feel it when he clenched his fists, kind of an early warning signal to cut through his temper. He rapped sharply on Lorna's door, feeling the sting, and waited for a response.

Lorna thought about not answering the door. She didn’t feel like talking to anyone about the fight. Or anything else, really because the fight was all she could think about. But she couldn’t exactly avoid the world forever. Finally, she gave in and opened the door. She blinked, wondering why on earth Paul was there. “Can I help you?”

"Hi," he said, taking in her rather miserable appearance. "Can I come in? I need to talk to you."

She blinked again and ran her hand through her hair, “I…Yeah, sure.” She backed up and gestured him in. “Have a seat. Did you want anything to drink? I’ve got coffee ready or there’s water, I think.” She couldn’t come up with a mental picture of the small refrigerator in the kitchen.

"No, I'm fine, thanks. Is Alison in?" After a look around, Paul sat down on the couch. He focussed on Lorna with a slight frown, trying to decide where he was going to start.

Lorna retrieved her own coffee and took a seat in one of the armchairs. “She’s out. Something about horses or possibly cowboys.” She curled her legs beneath her. “I don’t know when she’ll be back. Did you need both of us?”

"No, just you," Paul said. Alison being out would make this easier. "I'll get to the point. I found Alex trying, and failing, to land skateboard tricks in the dark last night. I'd have left him alone but he wiped out and I stopped to make sure he was okay. He ended up talking to me about what happened to him."

“Is he okay?” Lorna nearly dropped her coffee when the rest sank in. “He what? Eight months he won’t say a word to me and he tells you?” She sat back, incredulous, trying to pull her brain around to the fact that Paul was here to talk to her about Alex. Apparently, everyone really did know more than she did about her boyfrie…ex-boyfriend.

"He's not okay, but he didn't hurt himself taking a header in the dark, if that's what you mean." Paul took a slow breath to keep calm. All about her. You'd think she'd be happy he was talking to someone. "And yes. He told me. Afterward, he asked me to come talk to you, so maybe you'd be able to understand why he never said anything. Do you have any interest in actually listening? Or are you more interested in feeling persecuted and unloved? Because I can go if you are and save us some time."

She flinched, automatically opening her mouth to defend herself then shutting it with a snap. What could she say to that really? She nodded meekly instead, clamping down with equal firmness on the tiny sliver of hope and the indignation that Paul simply didn’t understand.

"Good. Let me make it clear that I'm only here because it's important that Alex feel like he's being supported and respected right now. What you said to him about not being able to have a relationship with him because it was now you, him, and Selene was one of the cruelest and most selfish things I've ever heard of someone saying to another person in my life," he said flatly, just to get it out of his system. "Alex suggested that you think he didn't tell you about any of this because he doesn't love you. You couldn't be more wrong."

She flinched again, curling up against his words. “I know,” she said, unable to look at him. “I shouldn’t have pushed the issue. Maybe if I’d just let him be…” she shook her head then realized what Paul had really said, “Wait. ‘Now?’ You think I don’t want him because of what that bitch did to him?” She did look at him now, shocky and indignant. She didn’t mind being called an idiot, she was, after all but she was an idiot for entirely different reasons.

"No, that's not what I think." Paul's voice and eyes were cold. "But I do think you told him that he'd be bringing his rapist to bed with him whenever he was with you, no matter how hard he tried to make it go away. I think your ego was offended by his pain. And you managed to make his suffering all about you so he not only has to suffocate under the weight of being brutally, repeatedly raped -- he has to stop and think about whether or not it's going to hurt your goddamn feelings."

“I didn’t know!” She stood and paced restlessly. “He didn’t tell me! I didn’t even know that he was still having nightmares. He never told me and when he did, it was an accident.” She took several deep breaths, chafing at her arms. “I know I screwed the whole damn thing. I just don’t know what to do about it. He can’t want to see me now. How could he forgive this?” She was talking to herself more than anything.

"So what? So what if he didn't tell you?" Paul retorted. "Yes, you screwed up. I don't know if he wants to see you and I don't know how he's going to forgive you either, but I'm sure he'll come up with a way. Do you understand that his not telling you has nothing to do with you?"

She nodded, “I’d be an even greater hypocrite than I am if I didn’t.” She paced a bit more then turned abruptly to Paul, “It seems odd thanking you for telling me I’m selfish and stupid but, yeah, thank you. It’s actually kind of nice to get confirmation that I’m really as horrible as I’ve been thinking.”

"Doesn't seem odd to me at all," Paul said dryly. "People aren't always forthcoming about this kind of thing. So we're both agreed that you've been self-absorbed and pretty shitty. The question is, what are you going to do about it? No one's denying that it's hard to be the partner of someone who's been abused like Alex has."

“What can I do? He’s not mine anymore. I don’t have any right to him after this.” She sighed and sat down in the middle of the floor, looking up at Paul. “I don’t even know what I’d say.”

"Not yours? This mine-yours business is bullshit anyway." Paul dismissed that with a wave of his hand. "The least you need to do here is tell him that your reaction wasn't because you think less of him or can't love him because of what happened to him. You need to apologize for what you did, because it was exactly what he was most afraid would happen. You have to clean up your mess, Lorna. Offering to apologize when he's ready to hear it is a start."

She gaped at him, “He couldn’t possibly think that I’d… No, of course, he could. Christ, I didn’t even think about that.” She tugged on a strand of hair, twining it around her fingers absently. “How is he? Really? Does he…has anyone been taking care of him?” Her tone was pleading though not hopeful.

"I took Alex straight to Scott last night," Paul told her. "He slept there, got a full eight hours, and Scott took him out for the day after they talked. I think between Scott and I, we may have managed to make him feel a little safer about talking."

“He slept? With no nightmares? Thank God.” Some of the tension went out of her shoulders. “Will he talk to Samson or someone? I mean, giant hypocrite speaking and all, but he should. If I’d know, I’d have…” she sighed, “I should have known.”

"He'll talk to someone in time. He can always talk to Scott and I in the interim." Paul shook his head, he wanted to give her a shake instead. "You couldn't necessarily have known, Lorna, but there were a hell of a lot of other responses, even if you didn't know. He may not ever be able to speak to you about it much, even if you two patch things up, you know. Even if you do everything right. And it won't be you." He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, intense and sad. "Some things steal our voices and that's part of the hell of them. And some things are so poisonous we don't want to let them loose in the places we love. There are a lot of reasons he might not talk, and none of them are you."

“If he never speaks to me again, period—if that’s what he needs—then that’s what I want. He’s more important.” There was no sense of martyrdom in her voice nor of self-pity. “He used to talk to me. When he got back, I thought it was just a temporary thing and I was just too damn caught up in dealing with…things.” The hesitation was slight, giving no hint of what problems of her own she’d condensed into the single ambiguous word. “No excuse, really.”

"If you say so," Paul said mildly. "I'm sure he wants to speak to you again, Lorna. It's just what he speaks about that's the question. He's rather desperate for your acceptance, you know."

She closed her eyes, “I love him more than I thought was possible.” Her hand drifted to her shoulder, fingering the scars there. “It’s scary, sometimes. I worry so much about losing him. He’s too good for me and I know it. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever for him to realize it too.” She refocused on Paul, “Will you tell him I love him? That if he wants to talk to me again, I’ll tell him so myself?”

"I can do that." Paul nodded slowly. "I'll make sure he knows. I'm going to be encouraging him to take care of himself before he goes charging off to patch things up, though, just so you know."

Lorna took a deep breath and nodded, “That’s fair.” She got to her feet and offered him her hand. “Again, thanks.”

Paul stood and shook her hand. "Any time. Take care of yourself, Lorna," he said, sounding very sincere. "No one's assuming this is easy for you either. Don't go beating yourself up. Make sure you're getting what you need too. You can't help anyone otherwise and it's wasteful to hurt yourself when you don't have to."

She shrugged, “Maybe I should go have a talk with Samson myself. There are some things that I really need to talk about.” She shrugged again. “Sure I can’t get you something to drink?”

"Maybe?" Paul quirked an eyebrow at her, looking far more severe and Vulcan than usual because of his recent weight loss. "And if you want company from me, I'm not needed anywhere and Hank won't give me back my coffee. Otherwise, I'm heading back so he can tell me to stop trying to help move furniture."

“I’m incapable of making that an unqualified statement.” Lorna smiled wryly. “So you’re another victim of the medlabs attempt to deny caffeine? Poor thing. I guess I won’t offer you any of my Kona blend then. I know better than to cross Hank. Alison is threatening to tell him I’ve been failing to follow my diet again.”

"He's just mothering me," Paul said sourly. "I wouldn't put up with it if he weren't so damn cute. You're unkind to torment me with coffee. Hank says he misplaced mine... I think I may need to misplace his Twinkies.”

“We’ve established that I’m mean and evil.” Lorna raised an eyebrow back at him, “You’re a brave man to threaten Hank’s Twinkies.” She wandered over and poured him a cup of coffee. “Sugar? I’m afraid I don’t have anything but real cream so I can’t offer you that.”

"Black," Paul said quickly. "Please. Don't taint the poor stuff. And you're not mean and evil, Lorna. No more than anyone else, at least."

“A real coffee drinker. Wonderful. Your life’s blood, sir.” She handed it to him with a slight bow. “You’re only saying that because you don’t know me and you’ve never messed with my kitchen.”

"No, I'm saying that because it's true. Thank you." He took the coffee from her and leaned in the doorway of the kitchen. "I'm a notorious heartless bitch; I've mellowed a lot. I used to be cruel for the sake of it sometimes. You're not cruel for the kicks. You may fuck up, but I can't imagine that you're malicious. Also, people who mess with your kitchen are calling down Darwin's wrath and they don't count."

She blinked, surprised he would admit so candidly to it. “I try not to be. Reminds me too much of being a teenager and there are plenty of teenagers around here without me regressing. Still, there are some here...” She pursed her lips and shook her head, “Nevermind.”

"Yes, proof positive of it last night, eh?" Paul shook his head. "Even I wouldn't have pulled a stunt like that. Then again, I've been kicked out of so many closets against my will, I'm afraid to put my clothes away some times," he said wryly. He sipped the coffee and sighed happily. "Very nice blend."

Lorna shook her head sharply, “I keep telling myself these things will cease to surprise me but it never helps.” She turned her attention back to her coffee, breathing in its rich aroma, “It’s the last of my Hawaiian coffees. I’ve been stretching it out. It’s my comfort blend.”

"It's kind of you to share it," Paul said. "I won't apologize for being harsh earlier, I'm not hypocritical enough for that. I'd do it again in a heartbeat and pat myself on the back for keeping it to words only. But I meant it when I said that you should take care of yourself. Just living around here isn't easy and dealing with Alex as well as any issues you have of your own makes it a struggle."

“It’s better that I share it,” she said simply. “I don’t mind that you were harsh. I might mutter uncomplimentary things about you later because of it and possibly will slander your name to Ali, since I am that hypocritical but I really do appreciate that you are here to help Alex.”

"Feel free to slander me," Paul said, grinning at her. "I'd consider it a favour. I don't have nearly the reputation here that I should and I'm having trouble picking victims to help change that. Think of the time you'll be saving me. And yes," he sobered up a little, "I am here to help Alex. I don't normally get mixed up in this kind of thing, but he asked me, and I though he deserved representing by someone who could understand him."

She inclined her head at the admission, “He shouldn’t have needed representation at all. Especially not to me. I really do know better.” She shrugged, “Hypocrisy again. Or something like that. I’m still not certain it wasn’t my fault then.”

"Maybe it was, but it doesn't mean you're a fundamentally bad person. Shit happens." Paul shrugged and drank some more coffee before continuing. "And like I said before, these things can be hell to talk about. Sometimes you need someone to help you out. It's better if you don't, maybe, but I'm of the 'whatever works' school of thought on these things."

Lorna finished her coffee and walked away to get more, “No point. I’m given to understand he’s made wonderful strides so it’s counterproductive to bring it all up now.” She shivered and clutched her mug in both hands, “Time marches on.”

"What would you bring up that would be counterproductive?" Paul wondered. "And, yes, he's made a bit of progress. He's got a long way to go and from what I understand, you're the one he wants to lean on, ultimately."

“Lean? Oh. Yes.” Her smile was slightly bitter. She hadn’t been talking about Alex. “You know. His mutation scares me. The burns.” She touched her shoulder again, doing what she hoped was a decent job of covering her initial confusion. “He’s just getting to the point where he is comfortable with it.”

Paul took a moment to sort things out in his head. "And you? Are you comfortable with it?" he asked. People were such curious things. Lorna was full of contradictions and blind corners.

“With his mutation? I’m trying. I’m a little gun-shy.” She stopped suddenly, “Wait, do you know what I mean when I say burns?” He hadn’t been here and it wasn’t like it was a subject of great discussion.

"I can guess. Alex is on record as having control issues in the past," Paul said, watching Lorna intently. "But I don't know the story, no."

“Right, okay.” She’d gone a little pale, “Bear with me on this one. I’ve never hard to actually tell this story, most everyone else here knows.” She leaned against the counter and stared into her coffee mug like it would give her answers. “Alex didn’t have any control up until recently. It would just build up until it exploded. He was afraid to talk about it—another time I’ve failed him, I should have made him talk to Scott. Anyway, last December, we were outside and his power just exploded. I was burned pretty badly.” She faltered, aware it was an understatement. “That’s why Alex ran off. Failure number two, I told him I didn’t want him around. I can’t remember really, I was very drugged. Selene found him then. That’s why she got her hands on him.” She’d told the entire story to her coffee and kept her eyes there now.

"And so on some level, all this is your fault? Tell me you don't think that. Please?" Paul wanted to pound his head on the doorjamb until the convoluted misery straightened up and behaved itself. "Some evil bitch scoops your boyfriend while he's out being a bit of a drama queen and it's on your head?"

“Christ, no, that’s insane.” She jerked her head up, all the more defensive because, yes, she did think it was a little bit her fault. “That would be like blaming Alex for it since his mutation was the thing that put me in the medlab in the first place. No, it’s definitely entirely that bitch’s fault. My point was just that I’ve got a decent track record of saying the wrong thing to Alex. Having the wrong reaction. Also, his mutation scares me, as things that nearly kill one tend to be.”

"There is a world of difference between saying something to someone when you are drugged to the eyeballs and saying something to someone when you're completely conscious and aware, Lorna," Paul said, trying not to be irritable with her. That was a downward spiral. "You're both responsible for your own reactions, insofar as you're in your right minds at the time."

“You sound like Samson. Except he ‘hmms’ more.” Lorna gestured vaguely, brushing it aside, “I’m not trying to make what I said then worse or what I said a few days ago better. I’m just telling you what happened. I nearly died. If he hadn’t come back, I wouldn’t have survived.”

"Thank you. Backstory helps, yes," Paul said dryly. "And I've spent so much time in therapy in the last decade, I'm sure I've soaked up the catchphrases. It happens when they beat you over the head with them for forty-five minutes at a go."

“Samson isn’t much for catchphrases. Usually, I’m the one tossing them at him. Which is when he hmms.” Lorna grinned a bit, “I like the doc, actually. He threw me out the first time I went to talk to him.”

Paul smiled at that. "That's something else. I've never been kicked out of a therapist's office. Not on my own anyway," he added, frowning a little. Then the darker expression was gone and the smile came back easily.

“Apparently, I had the wrong attitude toward therapy and needed to readjust my thinking. So I did.” She noticed the shadow but didn’t ask. She was wary of asking about other people’s problems recently. For obvious reasons. “Sort of.”

"It's a start," Paul said. "It's not like mental health is mandatory. It just makes life easier for you and everyone around you. And, if you're me, it keeps you from trashing other people's lives with your dysfunctions. Always a good thing to stop doing."

“Technically, I feed people through my dysfunctions.” Lorna grinned, grimly amused. “We’re working on it anyway.”

"See? At least you're productive about it," Paul pointed out facetiously. "Will you go see Samson about this mess?"

“Yes. I’ve never been on this side of it, so I need to figure out what he’s going to need from me.” Lorna frowned. “I need to clear out my head. Alex doesn’t need my issues on top of everything else.”

Paul nodded, smiling a little. "You're right. I'm glad you're going, for both of you." He leaned over and put his empty cup on the counter. "And now I should be going. I'll talk to Alex when he and Scott come home. Thank you for the coffee, and for listening."

“I’d say it was my pleasure but I’m trying to cut back on the lying. Thanks for coming though.” She walked him to the door. “If Hank never figures out where he misplaced your coffee, you’re welcome to find some here. We’ve always got some made.”

"I'll keep it in mind," Paul said, giving her a respectful nod as he left the suite. "Take care, Lorna. Good luck with everything."

Comments

[x-vega.livejournal.com]

This was far less explosive than it could have been. :) I'm really pleased with it. I'm so impressed with how it went. Very real. *highfives* Now, let's not go another year and change before the next scene!

[x-havok.livejournal.com]

I have been waiting all day for this and it's what got me through class. You guys was wonderful! Excellent log!

*hugs around*

[x-sanfuaiyaa.livejournal.com]

has anyone been taking care of him?

*pouts* Hello! Best friend here! Plenty of care-taking going on over here too ;-P *uses best friends icon*

[x-polarisstar.livejournal.com]

Anyone who hasn't been in the medlab because he threw a hissy fit?