[Paul, Aurora] "You don't want me normal. You don't want me crazy."

[x-vega.livejournal.com]

Sunday morning.  Issues much?  They talk, Aurora is lucid for a while, they argue, she all but calls him a whore, he tries to apologize... it's messed up goodness.

"Maybe you just don't want me."
For the first time in months, Aurora felt warm.  Warm and full and content.  She couldn't quite remember why, or where she was, but the walls were not white and her pillow smelled of flowers.  No, not flowers, but growing, fresh linen and sky.

Paul.  Her pillow smelled of Paul.  Rolling over, she found herself looking at the perfect form of her brother, sprawled out beside her.  He was dressed and showered and pristine, but for his hair, which had a singular strand out of place.  Aurora knew better; something was wrong.  Maybe he couldn't find shoes that matched his belt.  Obviously he needed to be wearing the big, snuggly pajamas, like she was.

"You haven't slept," she observed, brushing his hair back into place.

The sound of her voice and her movement startled Paul.  He hadn't felt her wake.  "I was making sure you were okay," he said, turning to face her.  Like looking in a mirror.  He didn't remember saying hello to her, he remembered those words and still didn't know if he'd said them aloud or not.  He remembered the realization that he was looking into his own eyes and the way his hand in hers felt like a key fitting in a lock -- only who could tell which of them was the key and which the lock?  It didn't matter what the circumstances were.  The sight of her still made him smile.  "Good morning, beautiful."

Giving him an amusedly stern look, Aurora shook her head.  "You are silly, good morning, my lovely," she said in a stream, never one for punctuation.  Smiling at his smile she lifted the blankets and snuggled up to his side, making a happy little noise, almost like a kitten.  "We're at Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters in Westchester, New York, did you know?"

"I did know!"  He stroked her hair, looking down at her with pride.  "You're very smart, did you know?"

"No, I am not." Aurora beamed at his tone, twisting around so that she could still see his face.  "Silly brother mine.  You are the smart one.  Why are we so far from home?"

"Because this is where my job is now," he explained gently.  "This is a school and I teach here."

Aurora nodded slowly, trying hard not to look disappointed.  This was obviously important to Paul, or he wouldn't be here, even if here was so far away from home.  She couldn't exactly remember where home was, but it wasn't here and it was far away.  "Are they making you teach Français?"

"Of course," Paul said, smiling.  "Silly Anglos.  But I have a very nice teaching assistant from France who does a lot of the work for me.  And I teach other things.  It's a nice place.  I have friends here."

"Oh," Aurora replied quietly, ducking her head away as if she were suddenly very interested in the buttons on his shirt.  "That's good.  Friends are nice."

"I told them I wouldn't stay if they didn't let you stay," he said, still stroking her hair.  It had been cut raggedly and he wondered if she'd been at it with scissors or if it were an abortive attempt to trim it by someone in the hospital. 

Biting her lip, Aurora glanced up, almost coyly.  "Really?"  She could understand if he didn't want her here.  She wasn't positive why he wouldn't, but she remembered screaming.  She must have been bad again.

"Really.  I emailed Professor Xavier last night and said so.  I won't stay where you can't be also."  Paul cupped her chin in his hand and tilted her face so that she was looking up at him.  The shock was like static, only it went down to his marrow, moving along his nerves with a whisper of pain.  He hadn't felt it last night, she'd been so drained and so cold.  It wasn't terrible, it wasn't enough to make him wince.  It was the emptiness that came with it that hurt. 

Aurora wasn't as good at dealing with any sort of pain and hissed, squinting her eyes closed for a second.  It was little more than ripping off a Band-Aid, but it still hurt.  She shivered, as if suddenly cold again.  "I'm sorry.  I love you.  I keep messing everything up..."

"It's okay.  You're just trying to live, Rora," Paul moved his hand away and touched her hair again instead.  "Just trying to be happy.  It's not your fault."

"No!  I love you!  Just you.  Everyone else hurts me but you always come back.  My Paul."  Aurora nosed closed, until her cheek was resting on his shoulder, sniffing quietly. 

"Of course I come back.  You can't lose me, chere.  Not forever."  Paul snuggled her closer to him.  "Do you remember what happened after Christmas?" he asked tentatively.  "I want to know what happened in your life while I was away."

"I woke up cold," Rora said quietly.  "Warm and then so very cold."

"After Christmas?" he wondered.  "I thought you were happy.  You said you were happy." 

"Maybe I was playing pretend.  I do that sometimes," she replied in an informative tone.  "You weren't happy, though.  How could I be happy if you were not?"

"Does it matter if I'm happy?" he asked, trying to keep frustration and sadness out of his voice.  "I didn't think it mattered.  And how could I be happy without you, when you and Walter were going to be a family and you didn't need me anymore, either of you?"

Aurora wrenched back, kicking at him until she had propelled herself to the other side of the bed.  "What are you talking about?  You've met your lies and slander quota and must pass it onto me?  I think you are forgetting the part where it is you who left me, Jean-Paul."  The first stages of anger made Aurora very precise.  That was, of course, before she started throwing things and screaming.

"Yes, I left," he answered evenly.  "You wanted me to go, and I listened to you, Aurora.  I thought it would make you happy if I went.  I went away from you, this is true."

"I asked you to leave because you refused to be happy for me.  Refused to-" Aurora suddenly pressed the heels of her hands to her head, whimpering.  Remembering, or not remembering in some cases, hurt.  "And then Walter put me away, up on the highest shelf.  He didn't want me anymore.  Just like you.  No one...  They did, but I didn't want them and they hit me."

"I was wrong," Paul admitted.  It was something he'd never have done before, but the last ten months had left him humbled like all the years before had failed to do.  "I was hurt and I couldn't be happy when I was so sad.  I should have been stronger, Rora.  I'm sorry.  I've never wanted to be away from you.  I just... I loved you.  I loved him," he confessed, as much as it hurt to say it.  "And you loved each other and not me.  And I couldn't deal with that."

Rora rolled her eyes, throwing a nearby pillow at him.  "For someone so smart you are so stupid, Paul.  I always love you first.  Always.  You are me and I am you.  I knew.  I would have shared.  But you were too busy hurting and not seeing and running away.  Run so fast that the world turns backwards and everything is upside-down which is just right."

"You cut me off already, Rora.  How could I know?  How could I know when you wanted me out of your head?"  Paul's composure slipped and his soothing older brother facade crumbled.  "He asked you to marry him.  To be his wife.  To be his family.  And you said yes.  And then the two of you told me."

"You called me a whore, Paul!  I know I don't remember much but I remember that and you called me a whore.  Coming from you, that says quite a lot, now doesn't it?"  She was angry again, falling back on cruel, biting words.  "You are my family, you fucking Newfie.  Marrying Walter would not have changed that.  But now, it doesn't matter.  Now, Walter hates me.  You can have him.  I'm sure you already have."  Aurora slipped off the bed, standing wobbly but refusing to grasp onto the wall for support.

"Marrying Walter wouldn't have changed anything?  It was changed enough, Rora."  Paul didn't flinch at the insults.  "He changed you.  Yes, I should have been happy for you.  But I couldn't be.  I'm selfish and weak and I couldn't do it.  Rora, sit down before you fall down."  Paul got up, ready to cross the few feet between them and catch her before she fell if she showed signs of faltering.

"Changed me?  He made me normal!  Normal enough that I wouldn't have to depend on you every waking moment of the day, so that I could walk down the street and know who I was and not see a stranger in the window reflection, so I could know that in five minutes I wouldn't turn into the crazy little girl.  Get a watch, Paul.  In five minutes, this all ends, and you get your little doll again.  You just couldn't handle the fact that sometimes I wouldn't need you."  Aurora tried to take a few steps and stumbled, scraping herself back up by the wall, unwilling to succumb to his touch.  "I will always want you in my life.  Forever.  I will always need you in my life.  I just wanted to be normal.  That's all."

"No, I couldn't handle it.  You're right.  That doesn't mean I didn't want it for you, that I didn't want you to be happy and normal."  Paul shook his head.  "It wasn't me that was making you crazy, Rora.  Otherwise, we wouldn't be standing here right now."

Aurora looked away, unwilling to cry.  The fury was wearing off, and leaving her right back where she had started.  "I remember fear and anger and screaming.  I remember waking up in the hospital.  I don't remember anything else.  I don't know what else you want from me, Paul.  You don't want me normal.  You don't want me crazy.  Maybe you just don't want me.  And maybe that makes me just as crazy as everything else."

"I do want you normal, I..."  Paul reached for her.  "Oh, God, Rora... I just didn't want you to leave me.  I wanted you to stay with me more than anything; I wanted my sister, I wanted my other half.  Everyone leaves me in the end.  I was messing everything up and hurting you.  I couldn't do it, so I left.  You said to go, and you were right.  It was best for everyone."

"I am occasionally wrong, you know," Aurora said quietly, stepping into the circle of his arms.  "It's a very rare thing, but it happens."  Wrapping herself around him she found his ribs pressing against her torso and the curve of his spine interrupted by vertebrae bumps.  "You're too thin."

"I know," Paul said, pulling her close.  "I got radiation poisoning two weeks ago.  I was rather ugly for a while."  He stroked her hair gently, realizing now how terribly much he'd missed being close to her and how long it had been since he was.

"Well, you are the ugly one.  But this is just taking it too far."  Everything felt better here, safe in Paul's arms.  He would never hurt her again.  He was the only one who cared.  Aurora smiled to herself; it had been five minutes.

"I promise to fix it as soon as I can," Paul said quietly.  "And we need to fix you, Rora.  Even if it means you go away again."  Inside him, panic clawed at his ribs and he silenced it harshly.  "No more selfishness."  He meant it.  "No more confusion.  Just.  Just you being okay.  Whatever it takes."

Aurora clung to him even tighter, feeling something in her stomach attempt to wrench it's way free.  "I am not going anywhere.  Not without you.  You are me.  My beautiful.  Brother mine, second, better half.  Me and mine and you and yours always."

It was what he wanted to hear, what he wanted to hear more than anything, but it was coming out of something broken.  Paul picked her up tenderly, feeling her shaking in his arms.  "As long as it's what's right," he murmured.  "Let's tuck you in, pretty.  I'll make you some breakfast.  Anything you want."

"Even pudding?" she asked with a silly little smile, kissing his cheek.

"Even pudding."  He put her into bed and kissed her forehead.  "Chocolate?"

Aurora nodded, very seriously.  "Chocolate pudding with extra milk on the side."

"Of course."  Paul tucked her in and put an extra pillow behind her to make her comfortable.  "I'll be right back with it.  You be good while I'm gone."

"I'm always good," she reminded him, giving Paul a exasperated expression, that was so over acted it was comical.

Paul laughed at her and kissed the top of her head before leaving her.  "Yes, you are.  Even when you're bad, you're good." 

Aurora merely blew a kiss at his retreating form in response.  He might be her second half, but he was still her brother after all, and there were some things brothers just didn't need to know.