Log: Angelo and Jubilee

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

Who:Angelo and Jubilation Lee

Backdated to:Tuesday 31st August 2004. 12 Midday

What Happens: Angelo asks Jubilee why she left and she tells him. Leads to talk of expectations, karma, killing and how sometimes trying is all you can promise.



Jubilee clicked the menu button on the remote and scrolled through the options. She'd put in a Matrix DVD, something nice and long to keep her occupied. She wasn't exactly hiding out, considering she was in the Rec room where anyone could walk in. But she wasn't exactly seeking people either, if she was honest with herself. Slouching into the couch, she kept one eye on the door. Angelo had said he'd meet her here and she had a sinking feeling she knew what it was going to be about. Angelo didn't take too long to arrive, walking into the room and heading straight for her before dropping to the couch at her side. "Hey, Jubilee."

Jubilee nodded. "Hey, Angelo. How's things?"

Angelo nodded back with a token smile, which quickly dropped. "Not too bad. How about you? Didn't make that arm worse with your little trip, did you?"

Jubilee didn't take her eyes off the TV, her shoulders squaring defensively. "Maybe, although I guess you can't do much worse when it's broken already. I'm doin' okay, waiting for the judgement on high as to punishment still. Something tells me Chuck ain't going to make it pleasant. What did you need to talk to me about, Angelo? You sounded kinda insistent in your e-mail."

The answer, when it came, was in a deceptively quiet voice. "Oh, I just wanted to know what you were doin' runnin' off like that. An' where you thought you were goin'."

"Home. Well, back to LA anyhow. Thought I was doin' what was best for everyone at the time. After what you told me, well, it seemed like the best thing to do."
Angelo nodded, asking pointedly, "An' what exactly were you plannin' on doin' when you got there?"

He had his resolve face on, which didn't bode well for her ability to wriggle out of this without some explanations. She could lie, she supposed. It was on the tip of her tongue to do so but in the end, Angelo had always been honest with her. He'd told her things before that she knew he'd rather not have. She couldn't do any less with him. "I was going to go after Patches. Spend some time in LA makin' a plan and then come back and kill him. Not like I need a gun when I've got a ready made weapon genetically, ya know? But I couldn't plan a damn thing here, not with telepaths all over the place. So I made a post to my journal, spouting on about how it was best for everyone so people wouldn't question it."

Angelo stared at her, not believing his ears. "You were goin' to do what? Did you listen to a word I said about Patches bein' bad news - bein' dangerous, however harmless he looks? An' whatever happened to "the universe doesn't care why you kill, only that you do"?"

Jubilee shrugged, a decidedly cold expression in her eyes before she let out a small *woof* of breath and her shoulders relaxed into a slouch. "I was concussed, didn't know what the hell I was doin'."

It was a small lie, albeit one with a grain of truth. She had been concussed but she'd also known exactly what she was doing at the time. Looking back, she wondered if she would have been able to go through with it. It was all well and good to decide to do something when you were angry and hurt but following through was another matter entirely. It was a moot point now however, as she wasn't likely to get close to Patches at any stage in the near future with her back here and surrounded by telepaths.

The sheer hypocrisy of the situation did strike her funny, considering she'd yelled at Angelo and Jonothon for going off half cocked not so long ago. She laughed and shook her head.

"And yeah, I'm totally seein' how it's funny considerin' I went off at you and Jono for not thinkin' things through not too long ago. So, if you wanna have a go at me, be my guest. I kinda deserve it."

Angelo raised a challenging eyebrow. "You knew what you were doin' well enough to try an' mislead the whole house about why you were goin', an' make some kind of plan about how to get there. So don't give me that bullshit about not bein' in control." He sighed. "Look. When Patches gets his - an' he will get his - I really, really hope I'm there to see it at the very least. But Jubes, killin' marks you. You told me that yourself, an' it's true, even if I don't believe in karma. He deserves everythin' he'll get someday, but not from you. He's not worth that."

She returned his look with one of resignation. "Angelo, as to killing, that horse has already bolted long before, cause I already got blood on my hands. Or don't you remember the night the soldiers attacked? Taking out Patches was my way of balancing the Karma scales. Maybe not makin' everything alright here but squarin' things with the universe, definitely. Although, I admit now, killing him would be a bit of overkill. As I said, I wasn't exactly thinking straight. No, right now, I'd settle for just hurting him a whole hell of a lot. I wasn't gonna go after him by myself, anyhow. LA was gonna give me time to plan it all, get some help. It's a bit of a moot point now though. I'm back here and since I ain't about to go anywhere near Patches without backup, you don't have to worry."

Angelo looked at her squarely. "Tell me somethin', Jubes. Did you mean t'kill that guy, that night? Did you leave this house, hunt him down, an' do him harm or kill him in cold blood? 'Cause doin' that's a whole lot different from killin' someone accidentally or in self-defense, because you're frightened beyond thinkin'. Believe me. I know."

Jubilee sighed, her hand reflexively rubbing the cast on her damaged arm. She knew he was right but there was still a part of her that believed she was tainted by the death of the solider, even if it had been self defence. "You know?" she asked, focussing in on his words.

Angelo nodded. "I know. I would've killed Rack, in Mexico. Had the gun in my hand, I was this close to pullin' the trigger on him before he realized an' froze me in my tracks. An' I've done things as bad or worse, too, to those as deserved it less."

She felt tired and worn out and all she wanted was to sleep and not think about this anymore. "Sometimes I wish I was old, Angelo. Cause then I'd know what to do and when to do it. It's too fuckin' hard, ya know? It just felt good to know what to do for a change, to have a purpose. I'm just so tired of the mistakes, and havin' people tell me when I should be better or that I'm wrong without even tellin' me what was the right thing ta do. Or, tellin' me their version of what was right and their version of what I did, when they weren't there to know what I was feelin' or thinkin'. It's too fuckin' hard, Angelo. It's too hard and I want to get off this fuckin' ride and I don't know how, or even who ta ask to stop it."

Angelo looked at her sadly. "You think a single person in this house hasn't been there? Everybody makes mistakes, Jubecita. Doesn't stop just because you get older."

Jubilee straightened her shoulders, her expression a carefully controlled blank as she stared at the television. She was very close to crying but she didn't want to do it. She didn't think it would be fair to Angelo to get all weepy on him. "Dude, I know it. Just seems like I try so hard ta act my age and be a good person but I just keep screwin' up anyway. So, I get this choice, ta keep tryin' or to give up and just let people think whatever the hell they like. And I keep choosin' to keep tryin' but it never seems ta get any better. Sometimes...Well, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier just ta be whatever they think I am, least then I wouldn't have to think about what to do. I'd just do the worst possible thing and it'd be what they expected me to do anyway. Just prove them right so they can feel all glowy and good about themselves for havin' read me right and I wouldn't have to give a damn about them anymore."

"Goin' that way'll kill you in the end", he told her quietly. "Sooner or later, you wouldn't be able to take it anymore. If you want to be a good person - which I think you are, by the way. We all have lapses - then you can be, but you gotta keep fightin'."

She nodded, thinking about the powers training she'd asked for with Moira. It was a small step, not related to her current mistake at all but it was a start. Maybe she could still balance her karma out. She was willing to try at least. "I hope you're right, Angelo. About me bein' a good person. Just right now, I can't see it, not even a little. But I'll keep tryin', I'll promise you that at least."

Angelo nodded back. "All anyone's got the right to ask of you."

She smiled, gesturing toward the television. "Want to stick around and watch a movie with me? It's one of the Matrix movies. Thought it'd give me somethin' to do other then thinkin' about everythin' that's happened."

He grinned, settling more comfortably on the couch. "Be happy to."