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xp_logsBackdated to Tuesday, 31st of August. Following a night spent on Nate and Moira's couch (as prefaced in this log with Nathan), Amanda slips out early in the morning for another fix, only to have Moira find her. It all seems very bleak.
Normally it wouldn't be easy to sneak out of a suite where Nathan was in the next room, but his telepathy was still off, and besides, both he and Moira were catching up on sleep. Amanda had gone back to her room, pausing only long enough to collect the Orb of Fortis from its hiding place behind the bottom drawer of her desk, before heading outside. She was so focussed on satisfying the need, on making everything and everyone go away, that she didn't realise she'd left Rom's amulet on her desk.
Moira found her on the back porch and just watched for a second. Amanda sat, hunched, on the step, making herself as small as possible. Something was up, it would have been obvious even if she hadn't been e-mailed by Strange and then Angie. Clearing her throat, she stepped up.
"Amanda... can we talk?"
"Of course we can talk. Talkin's good, ain't it? Solves everythin' makes the problems go away..." Amanda's tone was strange, almost amused, but underneath there was an overwhelming note of despair. Moira started towards her, concerned, and her foot nudged something lying on the porch. It rolled a little way away, a crystal orb, dull and lifeless. Amanda looked up as it rolled into her, coming to a stop against her leg. "Oops," she said, with a brief, brittle smile. "Got a bit greedy, looks like. Killed it dead."
"Actually, ye'd be surprised 'ow much talkin' actually does 'elp," Moira remarked, bending down to scoop up the orb. "Let me guess...somethin' Forbis, aye?" Before Amanda could remark on the question, her eyes narrowed. "Amanda. Where's yer amulet?"
Whatever power this orb had had was obviously _gone_ and with the amulet nowhere to be found, there was a sinking feeling in Moira's stomach. She really had no idea how this would turn out but she was damned if she wasn't going to give it her all.
"Amulet?" Amanda looked down, obviously surprised to see that the amulet wasn't hanging around her neck. "Oh, that amulet. I dunno. It's... somewhere." She shrugged. "It'll turn up."
"I'm 'azardin' a guess tha' it'll show up sooner than later," Moira said, her voice soft but not allowing for argument. Ignoring Amanda's look, she settled herself down next to her and tossed the orb from hand to hand. "Ye know Strange knows this is missin' from 'is office. Ye've got everyone worried 'bout ye, lass."
"Sorry." It came out almost automatically. "Didn't mean to. Just makes things easier, is all. Don't need t' feel all the... shite." Amanda's voice cracked on the last word. "I got tired of feelin' bad all the time, Moira, so I decided I weren't any more. Easy as that. Filched the Orb from Strange's office last week, got some other stuff too. Tried t' ration meself so I wouldn't get caught, only things kept gettin' worse, an' Angelo told me he wouldn't be my friend any more, an' you an' Nate are stressed half t' death, an' Pete's been lyin' low..." The girl kept her eyes on the yard, not acknowledging the woman sitting beside her - she could have been talking to herself after a while. "I couldn't take it any more."
There was a moment of silence as Moira absorbed everything that had just been said. "For starters, Nathan an' I are never ta stressed for ye," she pointed out, nudging Amanda in the shoulder with her arm. "Ever. In an emergency or problem, we're there for ye. I _know_ wha' 'tis like wantin' th' pain ta stop, I've been there." She paused and looked skyward for a second. "Almost ended up there again when Nathan was gone. Th' cravin's 'it ye th' worst when yer down an' out, even if 'tis 'as been years since th' last one. But there are other ways."
"Like what? Pretendin' everythin's all right like Nate does? Talkin' 'bout it? I've _been_ talkin' 'bout it ever since the last time, an' it doesn't do anythin'." Amanda didn't bother to keep the bitterness out of her voice. "An' it's sort of hard when half the people you talk to won't. Or can't."
"Wha' 'e was doin' was wron' as well. There's a balance, an' no one's findin' it." Moira gestured to the orb in her hands. "Talkin' willnae _solve_ anythin' but, ye know, neither will this. This will jus' put ye right back in tha' vicious cycle an' ye'll be dragged back in an' it'll be 'arder ta get out."
Amanda's shoulders slumped. "I know," she muttered. It was hard to think through the buzz, and around her the various seats that had made their ways to the back porch shifted and bumped slightly, and multi-coloured sparks jumped from her clothing like overactive static. "I know, Moira, but this time I don't think I can get it back together. It's so fuckin' hard, an' 'm tired of all this shite. Really tired."
"Stop tha' right now." Dropping the Orb, Moira moved around to crouch in front of Amanda and gripped her shoulders firmly. "Look--_look_ at me. Ye think I"m goin' ta bloody well let ye give up on yerself, jus' like tha'? Please. Currently life is kickin' ye in th' soft parts but, ye know wha', ye'll be able ta kick back soon enough. But ye willnae be able ta do tha' if'n ye give up."
Reluctantly Amanda did as she was told, looking up at Moira with haunted, empty eyes. "What's the bloody point, Moira? Manny's talkin' 'bout breakin' the link, Angelo won't even talk t' me any more... I fuckin' well _broke_ Jubilee's arm. All I ever do is hurt people, or get hurt meself. An' I'm fuckin' well sick of it. Tired of tryin' t' live up t' everyone's expectations, when all I do is bugger it up." There was no heat in her voice, only despair. "I can't keep it goin' any more."
"Ye cannae see it, can ye?" Moira asked, frustrated. "Ye dinnae 'ave ta go on alone, on yer own energy. Ye've got th' rest o' us ta pull ye th' rest o' th' way through when ye want ta fall down."
"How can I, when you an' Nate're half-bonkers with the whole Mistra thing? Or Pete's hidin' himself away 'cause he feels like a murderer? Fuck, even Shinobi didn't get out of this one, an' the only other two people I could talk to 'bout this are part of the whole bloody problem!" The words poured out before she could stop them. "Everythin's been so fuckin' awful lately, how the fuck can I add to it? I thought if I could just hang on, be strong for people like they wanted me to..." The composure - if that was what it could be called - broke, and as the tears threatened, Amanda buried her face on her knees, not wanting Moira to see her crying. Again. It seemed like she'd cried more this last month than she ever had in her lifetime before. "I hate this," she sobbed, muffled. "I hate bein' so fuckin' weak an' useless an' _demandin'_."
"Everyone's demandin', tha's wha' part o' bein' 'uman is about." Reaching foward, Moira wrapped her arms around the girl. "Listen ta me...someone is always willin' ta be there for ye, even if ye dinnae realize. Nay matter 'ow fuckin' messed up life is, we're always goin' ta 'ave time for ye." She dropped her head closer to Amanda's and murmured quietly "Tha's wha' family's all about--makin' time ta 'elp wit' other people's crap because 'tis important."
"I don't... I can't..." The rest of what Amanda was saying was lost as she dissolved into tears, rocking slightly in Moira's arms. The relief at being found out was just as great as her fear - it was going to be a long, hard road back this time. The blocked off link throbbed painfully in the back of her mind, reminding her that there was one less person willing to be there for her, and that made it all the harder. So she wept in Moira's arms, until she had worn herself out, without making any promises. It was too soon.
Pete's turn later the same day - he has better luck getting through to Amanda, possibly because he's sneakier. And it seems like the inability to say the L word runs in the family. Set before the boating log with Nate and Bella, which explains the improved mood.
It never fucking stopped. He'd hardly looked at the journal system in the last week anyway, but the last couple of days he'd been making an effort to stay away. No reason to for the world to know what he was thinking right now, and he didn't trust himself to keep his gob shut if he found someone being stupid or talking out of turn. Still, he had got the email from Angie, and cursed himself for an idiot as soon as he had. Why hadn't he thought of that?
He knocked on Amanda's door.
"Oi, you at home sunshine?"
Angie was out, which was a small mercy, Amanda supposed. The less witnesses to the bollocking she was about to receive, the better. She was surprised it had taken Pete this long, but then again, he wasn't on the top of his game at the moment. Another reason for guilt - the poor bastard didn't need the extra stress. With a sigh that was more of a groan, she lay aside the herbal book in Arabic Dom had passed onto her, and opened the door. "Hey Pete," she said wearily - she looked bad, and she knew it, but there wasn't anything to be done about that.
Pete looked at her for a long moment, as he stepped into the room, closed the door softly behind him, and leant against the wall.
"Is there something you want to tell me?"
Amanda looked down, unable to meet his eyes. The truth. She owed him that much. "Think you probably already know, but..." She bit her lip, eyes still fixed firmly on the floor. "'M usin' again," she said at last. Fuck, he was going to be so disappointed in her.
"Yeah?" Pete crossed the room to stand in front of her, looking straight at her, not bothering to hide the worried look on his face. "You plan on stopping again?"
"I want to." The admission surprised her - she'd been so caught up in the cycle, she hadn't realised stopping was an option, even after talking to Moira. "I dunno if I can, Pete. I mean, I only started again 'cause I couldn't cope with everything that was goin' on, an' now..." She finally looked up at him. "It's so fuckin' hard, Pete. I don't know if I've got it in me t' stop now I've started again."
"If it helps any, I'm bloody sure you do. You've had a cunt of a month or three, and almost fucking anyone could have fallen off the wagon." He sat down on the bed. "But like I said last time - you don't have to do it all on your own. You want to get back on, Romany and I'll help you whatever way we can."
Amanda hesitated a moment, then moved to sit beside Pete and lay her head against his shoulder. "I remember," she said quietly. "Christ, Pete, 'm sorry. I've been tryin' so hard, an' all I ever do is give you grief."
Pete put his arm round her, but the expression on his face as he looked at her had turned slightly incredulous. "Have you gone soft in the head or something? D'you have any idea how fucking smug Romany's been about the effect you've had on me? She didn't send you looking for me the other night just for laughs, you know."
He turned to face her properly, put his hands on her shoulders and looked straight at her. "Listen to me, you daft cow - you've brightened me life up in more ways than I can count. I feel better about meself, and christ, about the world in general when you're around. I wasn't fucking kidding when I said I was sure you could get through this again - for every time you've had me tearing me hair out, there's been three that I've been so proud of you you wouldn't believe. I meant it, when I said that you're family to me. You and Romany are what I hold on to when me job gets bad." He put his arm back round her and squeezed. "So don't you go thinking you're nothing but trouble, alright?"
It was a good thing Pete wasn't looking at her any more as he hugged her sideways - it was all Amanda could do not to burst into tears then and there. It was something she seldom did in front of Pete. As it was, she could only manage a rather jerky nod, not trusting her voice. "I'll try," she quavered at last, meaning beating the addiction, not thinking she was trouble, all of it. She managed a wobbly smile. "Can't let a perfectly good talkin' to go to waste, can I?"
"Not unless you want me to come back and do it again in a day or two." Pete smiled slightly. "Listen, I already had a quick word with Romany. If you want to get out of here for a bit, fuck off back home for a while, you say the word, OK? Hell, it doesn't have to be back home. But y'know, if you could use the break from the madhouse, let me know, and we'll both get out of here for a bit. God knows, I wouldn't mind a break
meself..."
"Temptin'. But I should stay an' fix the damage I done at least." Although she wasn't sure how much could be fixed. Not the situation with Manuel, not now. "Lee, for starters. After that..." Her voice grew wistful. "Be nice t' be able t' relax. Seems like every time 'm copin', somethin' else happens. I couldn't make things stop, so I..." She cut herself off there. "I'll think 'bout it."
"Fair enough - it ain't like there's a time limit on it. Anything else I can do to help you out?"
She hesitated, then took the plunge. It had to start somewhere. "Yeah." Crossing to her desk, she opened the top drawer and pulled out a collection of occult objects - charms, mostly, some crystals, an amulet or two. "Get rid of this stuff for me." Her hands shook with the effort of not absorbing the collected power she was holding, but she gritted her teeth and made herself drop them into Pete's lap. "I can't trust meself with 'em."
He shoved the items in his pockets, and stood up. "No problem. Anything in here worth knowing about, or can I just get rid of 'em without worrying too much?"
"Just some scryin' crystals, but those are Frenchie's." Amanda paused a fraction, then went into the bathroom, returning with a plastic bag of similar items. "An' these."
Pete took the bag. "I'll go put these some place safe. You know where to find me, if you need anything."
He turned to leave, but glanced back at her as he did. "Like I said, sunshine - I'm proud of you."
Apologies for the delay - access has been sporadic, at best...
Normally it wouldn't be easy to sneak out of a suite where Nathan was in the next room, but his telepathy was still off, and besides, both he and Moira were catching up on sleep. Amanda had gone back to her room, pausing only long enough to collect the Orb of Fortis from its hiding place behind the bottom drawer of her desk, before heading outside. She was so focussed on satisfying the need, on making everything and everyone go away, that she didn't realise she'd left Rom's amulet on her desk.
Moira found her on the back porch and just watched for a second. Amanda sat, hunched, on the step, making herself as small as possible. Something was up, it would have been obvious even if she hadn't been e-mailed by Strange and then Angie. Clearing her throat, she stepped up.
"Amanda... can we talk?"
"Of course we can talk. Talkin's good, ain't it? Solves everythin' makes the problems go away..." Amanda's tone was strange, almost amused, but underneath there was an overwhelming note of despair. Moira started towards her, concerned, and her foot nudged something lying on the porch. It rolled a little way away, a crystal orb, dull and lifeless. Amanda looked up as it rolled into her, coming to a stop against her leg. "Oops," she said, with a brief, brittle smile. "Got a bit greedy, looks like. Killed it dead."
"Actually, ye'd be surprised 'ow much talkin' actually does 'elp," Moira remarked, bending down to scoop up the orb. "Let me guess...somethin' Forbis, aye?" Before Amanda could remark on the question, her eyes narrowed. "Amanda. Where's yer amulet?"
Whatever power this orb had had was obviously _gone_ and with the amulet nowhere to be found, there was a sinking feeling in Moira's stomach. She really had no idea how this would turn out but she was damned if she wasn't going to give it her all.
"Amulet?" Amanda looked down, obviously surprised to see that the amulet wasn't hanging around her neck. "Oh, that amulet. I dunno. It's... somewhere." She shrugged. "It'll turn up."
"I'm 'azardin' a guess tha' it'll show up sooner than later," Moira said, her voice soft but not allowing for argument. Ignoring Amanda's look, she settled herself down next to her and tossed the orb from hand to hand. "Ye know Strange knows this is missin' from 'is office. Ye've got everyone worried 'bout ye, lass."
"Sorry." It came out almost automatically. "Didn't mean to. Just makes things easier, is all. Don't need t' feel all the... shite." Amanda's voice cracked on the last word. "I got tired of feelin' bad all the time, Moira, so I decided I weren't any more. Easy as that. Filched the Orb from Strange's office last week, got some other stuff too. Tried t' ration meself so I wouldn't get caught, only things kept gettin' worse, an' Angelo told me he wouldn't be my friend any more, an' you an' Nate are stressed half t' death, an' Pete's been lyin' low..." The girl kept her eyes on the yard, not acknowledging the woman sitting beside her - she could have been talking to herself after a while. "I couldn't take it any more."
There was a moment of silence as Moira absorbed everything that had just been said. "For starters, Nathan an' I are never ta stressed for ye," she pointed out, nudging Amanda in the shoulder with her arm. "Ever. In an emergency or problem, we're there for ye. I _know_ wha' 'tis like wantin' th' pain ta stop, I've been there." She paused and looked skyward for a second. "Almost ended up there again when Nathan was gone. Th' cravin's 'it ye th' worst when yer down an' out, even if 'tis 'as been years since th' last one. But there are other ways."
"Like what? Pretendin' everythin's all right like Nate does? Talkin' 'bout it? I've _been_ talkin' 'bout it ever since the last time, an' it doesn't do anythin'." Amanda didn't bother to keep the bitterness out of her voice. "An' it's sort of hard when half the people you talk to won't. Or can't."
"Wha' 'e was doin' was wron' as well. There's a balance, an' no one's findin' it." Moira gestured to the orb in her hands. "Talkin' willnae _solve_ anythin' but, ye know, neither will this. This will jus' put ye right back in tha' vicious cycle an' ye'll be dragged back in an' it'll be 'arder ta get out."
Amanda's shoulders slumped. "I know," she muttered. It was hard to think through the buzz, and around her the various seats that had made their ways to the back porch shifted and bumped slightly, and multi-coloured sparks jumped from her clothing like overactive static. "I know, Moira, but this time I don't think I can get it back together. It's so fuckin' hard, an' 'm tired of all this shite. Really tired."
"Stop tha' right now." Dropping the Orb, Moira moved around to crouch in front of Amanda and gripped her shoulders firmly. "Look--_look_ at me. Ye think I"m goin' ta bloody well let ye give up on yerself, jus' like tha'? Please. Currently life is kickin' ye in th' soft parts but, ye know wha', ye'll be able ta kick back soon enough. But ye willnae be able ta do tha' if'n ye give up."
Reluctantly Amanda did as she was told, looking up at Moira with haunted, empty eyes. "What's the bloody point, Moira? Manny's talkin' 'bout breakin' the link, Angelo won't even talk t' me any more... I fuckin' well _broke_ Jubilee's arm. All I ever do is hurt people, or get hurt meself. An' I'm fuckin' well sick of it. Tired of tryin' t' live up t' everyone's expectations, when all I do is bugger it up." There was no heat in her voice, only despair. "I can't keep it goin' any more."
"Ye cannae see it, can ye?" Moira asked, frustrated. "Ye dinnae 'ave ta go on alone, on yer own energy. Ye've got th' rest o' us ta pull ye th' rest o' th' way through when ye want ta fall down."
"How can I, when you an' Nate're half-bonkers with the whole Mistra thing? Or Pete's hidin' himself away 'cause he feels like a murderer? Fuck, even Shinobi didn't get out of this one, an' the only other two people I could talk to 'bout this are part of the whole bloody problem!" The words poured out before she could stop them. "Everythin's been so fuckin' awful lately, how the fuck can I add to it? I thought if I could just hang on, be strong for people like they wanted me to..." The composure - if that was what it could be called - broke, and as the tears threatened, Amanda buried her face on her knees, not wanting Moira to see her crying. Again. It seemed like she'd cried more this last month than she ever had in her lifetime before. "I hate this," she sobbed, muffled. "I hate bein' so fuckin' weak an' useless an' _demandin'_."
"Everyone's demandin', tha's wha' part o' bein' 'uman is about." Reaching foward, Moira wrapped her arms around the girl. "Listen ta me...someone is always willin' ta be there for ye, even if ye dinnae realize. Nay matter 'ow fuckin' messed up life is, we're always goin' ta 'ave time for ye." She dropped her head closer to Amanda's and murmured quietly "Tha's wha' family's all about--makin' time ta 'elp wit' other people's crap because 'tis important."
"I don't... I can't..." The rest of what Amanda was saying was lost as she dissolved into tears, rocking slightly in Moira's arms. The relief at being found out was just as great as her fear - it was going to be a long, hard road back this time. The blocked off link throbbed painfully in the back of her mind, reminding her that there was one less person willing to be there for her, and that made it all the harder. So she wept in Moira's arms, until she had worn herself out, without making any promises. It was too soon.
Pete's turn later the same day - he has better luck getting through to Amanda, possibly because he's sneakier. And it seems like the inability to say the L word runs in the family. Set before the boating log with Nate and Bella, which explains the improved mood.
It never fucking stopped. He'd hardly looked at the journal system in the last week anyway, but the last couple of days he'd been making an effort to stay away. No reason to for the world to know what he was thinking right now, and he didn't trust himself to keep his gob shut if he found someone being stupid or talking out of turn. Still, he had got the email from Angie, and cursed himself for an idiot as soon as he had. Why hadn't he thought of that?
He knocked on Amanda's door.
"Oi, you at home sunshine?"
Angie was out, which was a small mercy, Amanda supposed. The less witnesses to the bollocking she was about to receive, the better. She was surprised it had taken Pete this long, but then again, he wasn't on the top of his game at the moment. Another reason for guilt - the poor bastard didn't need the extra stress. With a sigh that was more of a groan, she lay aside the herbal book in Arabic Dom had passed onto her, and opened the door. "Hey Pete," she said wearily - she looked bad, and she knew it, but there wasn't anything to be done about that.
Pete looked at her for a long moment, as he stepped into the room, closed the door softly behind him, and leant against the wall.
"Is there something you want to tell me?"
Amanda looked down, unable to meet his eyes. The truth. She owed him that much. "Think you probably already know, but..." She bit her lip, eyes still fixed firmly on the floor. "'M usin' again," she said at last. Fuck, he was going to be so disappointed in her.
"Yeah?" Pete crossed the room to stand in front of her, looking straight at her, not bothering to hide the worried look on his face. "You plan on stopping again?"
"I want to." The admission surprised her - she'd been so caught up in the cycle, she hadn't realised stopping was an option, even after talking to Moira. "I dunno if I can, Pete. I mean, I only started again 'cause I couldn't cope with everything that was goin' on, an' now..." She finally looked up at him. "It's so fuckin' hard, Pete. I don't know if I've got it in me t' stop now I've started again."
"If it helps any, I'm bloody sure you do. You've had a cunt of a month or three, and almost fucking anyone could have fallen off the wagon." He sat down on the bed. "But like I said last time - you don't have to do it all on your own. You want to get back on, Romany and I'll help you whatever way we can."
Amanda hesitated a moment, then moved to sit beside Pete and lay her head against his shoulder. "I remember," she said quietly. "Christ, Pete, 'm sorry. I've been tryin' so hard, an' all I ever do is give you grief."
Pete put his arm round her, but the expression on his face as he looked at her had turned slightly incredulous. "Have you gone soft in the head or something? D'you have any idea how fucking smug Romany's been about the effect you've had on me? She didn't send you looking for me the other night just for laughs, you know."
He turned to face her properly, put his hands on her shoulders and looked straight at her. "Listen to me, you daft cow - you've brightened me life up in more ways than I can count. I feel better about meself, and christ, about the world in general when you're around. I wasn't fucking kidding when I said I was sure you could get through this again - for every time you've had me tearing me hair out, there's been three that I've been so proud of you you wouldn't believe. I meant it, when I said that you're family to me. You and Romany are what I hold on to when me job gets bad." He put his arm back round her and squeezed. "So don't you go thinking you're nothing but trouble, alright?"
It was a good thing Pete wasn't looking at her any more as he hugged her sideways - it was all Amanda could do not to burst into tears then and there. It was something she seldom did in front of Pete. As it was, she could only manage a rather jerky nod, not trusting her voice. "I'll try," she quavered at last, meaning beating the addiction, not thinking she was trouble, all of it. She managed a wobbly smile. "Can't let a perfectly good talkin' to go to waste, can I?"
"Not unless you want me to come back and do it again in a day or two." Pete smiled slightly. "Listen, I already had a quick word with Romany. If you want to get out of here for a bit, fuck off back home for a while, you say the word, OK? Hell, it doesn't have to be back home. But y'know, if you could use the break from the madhouse, let me know, and we'll both get out of here for a bit. God knows, I wouldn't mind a break
meself..."
"Temptin'. But I should stay an' fix the damage I done at least." Although she wasn't sure how much could be fixed. Not the situation with Manuel, not now. "Lee, for starters. After that..." Her voice grew wistful. "Be nice t' be able t' relax. Seems like every time 'm copin', somethin' else happens. I couldn't make things stop, so I..." She cut herself off there. "I'll think 'bout it."
"Fair enough - it ain't like there's a time limit on it. Anything else I can do to help you out?"
She hesitated, then took the plunge. It had to start somewhere. "Yeah." Crossing to her desk, she opened the top drawer and pulled out a collection of occult objects - charms, mostly, some crystals, an amulet or two. "Get rid of this stuff for me." Her hands shook with the effort of not absorbing the collected power she was holding, but she gritted her teeth and made herself drop them into Pete's lap. "I can't trust meself with 'em."
He shoved the items in his pockets, and stood up. "No problem. Anything in here worth knowing about, or can I just get rid of 'em without worrying too much?"
"Just some scryin' crystals, but those are Frenchie's." Amanda paused a fraction, then went into the bathroom, returning with a plastic bag of similar items. "An' these."
Pete took the bag. "I'll go put these some place safe. You know where to find me, if you need anything."
He turned to leave, but glanced back at her as he did. "Like I said, sunshine - I'm proud of you."
Apologies for the delay - access has been sporadic, at best...
