Amanda, Jubilee - Tuesday afternoon
Sep. 14th, 2004 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xp_daytripper posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_logsFollowing this dreamwalk Amanda and Jubilee make the first attempt at resolving their differences. They learn a lot more about each other than they ever expected.
The repair work was nearly done, the floorboards replaced, needing only a thorough sanding and a coat of varnish. Sanding had fallen, of course, to Amanda, since Cain was making especial effort to give her the crap jobs, whilst Jubilee was busy with a bucket of spackle and a spatula-like tool, filling in the holes in the wall. They worked in silence, like usual, when Jubilee wasn't bitching at Cain or Amanda was flirting non-too-subtlely with Manuel when he brought them food or drinks. But the monotony of sanding could get to anyone, and since Cain was off trashing the last of the damaged floorboards and Manuel was wrestling with the intricacies of the kitchen's microwave, that left Jubilee to talk to. Besides, after seeing what was in the girl's head, Amanda was curious to see if anything had changed between them.
"So," she said, without preamble. "You still think all the ills of the world are yer fault?"
Jubilee put down the spackle she'd been slapping liberally onto the wall in front of her, puffing at the hair that had fallen into her face. She looked over her shoulder at Amanda, raising an eyebrow at the question while she thought about how to reply.
It had been a lot easier blowing the place up then it was fixing it. She made a mental note never to woodchip expensive wooden floors ever again, they were hell to put back together afterwards. At least she'd been able to take off the cast after the first few days and she'd been told she should be free of the sling in the next day or so. It'd be nice to have both hands back, it'd certainly make the work go quicker. Although, she supposed once she was able bodied Cain would find something even more nasty for her to do. He seemed to take great pleasure in watching her sweat. She wondered briefly if he was really as mean as he seemed or if there was something underneath. While she took great pleasure in annoying the crap out of him, she found herself honestly curious about the man. No one could be that mean without a damn good reason, and Jubilee had always had a cat's curiosity.
She wasn't likely to get any confessions from the heart from him right now though, and the fact that he glared at her every time she so much as smiled seemed to indicate that this position was not likely to change any time soon. He was probably still sore over the fact that she'd almost set fire to his house. That kind of thing usually did make people somewhat inclined to be pissy at you.
Remembering that Amanda had asked her a question, she dragged herself to her feet. "Actually, I've decided I'm in training as an International assassin, possibly with a tiara. The vote is still out on that though. Seriously? Don't know, to be honest. I never had anyone actually see my dreams before. Be grateful you didn't get dragged in on one of my nightmares."
Amanda snorted quietly to herself, muttering something along the lines of 'you should see mine', too softly for Jubilee to catch. "International assassin, eh? Bet that's got the teachers jumpin' for joy." She resumed sanding, switching hands as her left cramped up, even though the right was far more awkward. "Were you serious, when you asked if I was gunna tell everyone what I saw?" she asked presently.
Jubilee grinned. "Not seriously considerin' it. The whole Buddhist not killin' anything would kinda get in the way of the work. Guess I'll just have to find some other reason to wear a black leather catsuit." Her _expression turned serious, and she brushed the hair back from her face before meeting Amanda's gaze head on. " I don't share that stuff with people, least not anyone that hasn't been paid for talkin' to me about it and even then Samson's the first shrink I ever cared to trust enough to tell even half of it to. It's not that it's private, I guess. I mean, if anyone really wanted to ask me, guess I'd have no reason not to tell 'em. But you got to see somethin' else in there, Amanda. You got to see the stuff that even tellin' people about what happened, they wouldn't know. It ain't every day I lay my soul bare for someone. I kinda like to spare my friends the shitiness that is my mind for the most part. It wouldn't do 'em any good and I don't wanna see 'em hurt by my inability to deal with myself. So, yeah, I was serious about that at least."
She knew it was probably dangerous to be this honest with someone who didn't like her at all but Amanda had already seen her as few other people had. When you were stripped that bare, psychologically speaking, in front of someone, getting a little more naked wasn't going to make much difference.
"Believe me, yer head ain't the shittiest place I've ever been in," Amanda said, sitting back on her heels to look at Jubilee. "Yer fucked up, yeah, but no more'n most of the kids an' half the staff in this bloody place. An' I know 'bout secrets, an' keepin' things from people 'cause you don't want t' mess them up." She pulled her shirt up slightly, showing Jubilee the scarring on her stomach and side. "Remember this? Remember how freaked I was that yer'd seen it? An' how I reacted when Manny blurted it out for everyone t' see?" She gave Jubilee a long, assessing look. "That was done t' me when I was a kid, t' bind me t' someone permanently. Makin' me his property. I don't like t' talk 'bout it, not just 'cause it's fuckin' ugly, but 'cause there's a whole lot of fucked-up shite behind it. The least of which is the fact I spent nine years of me life, most of me fuckin' childhood, bein' used t' power black magic." Roughly, she yanked the shirt back down, returned to her sanding. "Yer got nothin' t' worry about with me tellin'," she muttered, hair hiding her face.
Jubilee wasn't sure what it was that drove her to do what she did next. She'd felt a stab of guilt at Amanda's confession, a confirmation of what Angelo had told her. She reached forward, brushing the hair away from Amanda's face with a delicate touch, her expression serious.
"I'm sorry, about what he did to you, and what I said that time you came back. It's weird, havin' so many people around with as much damage if not more then mine. Still adjustin' to the fact that people might understand. Makes me a look like an idiot, I guess. Havin' all these issues. I just don't want them to look at me like I think they would. I don't want people to go all silent or get uncomfortable when I walked into a room. "
"You get used to it," Amanda sighed, flinching back slightly at the touch. The only other time Jubilee had touched her had been to hit her, and her forearms flared with dull pain, reminding her of how much pain they'd inflicted. "I've been gettin' those looks for most of me life, an' that ain't about t' change. The scars're permanent - not even Rom's healin' spells can shift 'em. I can't ever wear those skimpy tops you an' the other girls like so much, or go t' the beach in a bathin' suit, or any of that, not without gettin' those looks. D'you wonder why I got so bent out of shape over Manny thinkin' you were pretty? 'Cause you are." With an impatient gesture, Amanda waved what she'd said away. "But I don't want t' turn this into "my life sucks more 'n yers". 'M just sayin', you spend yer life thinkin' yer nothin', then that's all you'll ever be. Some of us can't change what we are, but you can. An' it makes me bloody well wild seein' you toss all those chances away. Yer pretty, yer smart, you get on with people, but all yer've done this last yer is cut yerself off an' decided you ain't worth nothin'. An' that's a fuckin' waste."
Jubilee nodded, thinking about what she'd said. "You think I'm pretty?" she asked, and chuckled as she realised she'd picked the least important of the things she'd said to ask about. She thought about what else she'd said, about the chances. She knew she was right, even if it was like drinking broken glass to admit it. "It's hard, the smart thing. I mean, I could be doin' as well as Kitty or Marie-Ange but I ain't got the focus like them. Mom, she used ta help me with that, would sit me down and make sure I took the time to actually learn the stuff rather then goof off cause I was bored. I learn things so fast sometimes, that it's hard to keep it all in my head, especially if I don't like what I'm learnin'. And you ain't ugly. Don't know why you think you are. The scars are different but they're not ugly. Guess I could just be weird in what I think of as ugly though."
Jubilee looked down at the bucket of spackle, not sure what to say next but suddenly deciding just to say what she felt, as she'd always done before. Sometimes, you had to say things without thinking, or they never got said, even if the rest of the time you probably shouldn't.
"I'm afraid of what I am. I got a power that's only good to harm people. I was so fucking scared and I kept losin' control and burnin' things. I just didn't want to hurt anyone, and then it just got easier to avoid people and not talk to them. Only, I don't do to well with the hermit stuff. I'm more a people person then that, so all I ended up doin' was gettin' all strange and depressed. After it happened, when they were talkin' to me, tryin' to find out what had gone on. I kept thinkin' if only I'd screamed earlier, my folks would be alive. Logically, I know that's all a bunch of crap. But it ain't logic that's the problem. But I realise I ain't been helpin' Samson, or myself lately. As stupid and fuckin' pathetic as it sounds, I needed you, Mandy. I needed to hear what you said, cause I couldn't say it to myself, felt like I didn't have a right to be better."
Amanda was silent for a long moment, running the sanding block idly over the floor whilst she thought. "Yer welcome," she said simply at last. "I think yer cracked, that you needed me t' give you a bollockin' before yer'd realise what you have here, but I... I'm glad it helped." The last words came out in a rush. "But I never said that. Understand?"
Jubilee grinned suddenly, her expression teasing. "Dude, the fact that we're even talkin' would be enough ta give people heart attacks, let alone me tellin' 'em anything else. And speakin' of other people, here comes Manny and he must have figured out the microwave cause I totally think that's soup he's got."
Jubilee knew she was changing the subject but she wasn't yet ready to talk about their fight and she knew if they continued talking it would probably come up. There was only so much growing up she could do in any one day, and she'd about reached her limit today.
"Told him he'd get it eventually," Amanda snickered, returning to her sanding as Jubilee took up spackling again. There was a touch of curiosity down the link from Manuel at her suddenly improved mood, but she simply shrugged. Some things did better to stay between the parties involved.
The repair work was nearly done, the floorboards replaced, needing only a thorough sanding and a coat of varnish. Sanding had fallen, of course, to Amanda, since Cain was making especial effort to give her the crap jobs, whilst Jubilee was busy with a bucket of spackle and a spatula-like tool, filling in the holes in the wall. They worked in silence, like usual, when Jubilee wasn't bitching at Cain or Amanda was flirting non-too-subtlely with Manuel when he brought them food or drinks. But the monotony of sanding could get to anyone, and since Cain was off trashing the last of the damaged floorboards and Manuel was wrestling with the intricacies of the kitchen's microwave, that left Jubilee to talk to. Besides, after seeing what was in the girl's head, Amanda was curious to see if anything had changed between them.
"So," she said, without preamble. "You still think all the ills of the world are yer fault?"
Jubilee put down the spackle she'd been slapping liberally onto the wall in front of her, puffing at the hair that had fallen into her face. She looked over her shoulder at Amanda, raising an eyebrow at the question while she thought about how to reply.
It had been a lot easier blowing the place up then it was fixing it. She made a mental note never to woodchip expensive wooden floors ever again, they were hell to put back together afterwards. At least she'd been able to take off the cast after the first few days and she'd been told she should be free of the sling in the next day or so. It'd be nice to have both hands back, it'd certainly make the work go quicker. Although, she supposed once she was able bodied Cain would find something even more nasty for her to do. He seemed to take great pleasure in watching her sweat. She wondered briefly if he was really as mean as he seemed or if there was something underneath. While she took great pleasure in annoying the crap out of him, she found herself honestly curious about the man. No one could be that mean without a damn good reason, and Jubilee had always had a cat's curiosity.
She wasn't likely to get any confessions from the heart from him right now though, and the fact that he glared at her every time she so much as smiled seemed to indicate that this position was not likely to change any time soon. He was probably still sore over the fact that she'd almost set fire to his house. That kind of thing usually did make people somewhat inclined to be pissy at you.
Remembering that Amanda had asked her a question, she dragged herself to her feet. "Actually, I've decided I'm in training as an International assassin, possibly with a tiara. The vote is still out on that though. Seriously? Don't know, to be honest. I never had anyone actually see my dreams before. Be grateful you didn't get dragged in on one of my nightmares."
Amanda snorted quietly to herself, muttering something along the lines of 'you should see mine', too softly for Jubilee to catch. "International assassin, eh? Bet that's got the teachers jumpin' for joy." She resumed sanding, switching hands as her left cramped up, even though the right was far more awkward. "Were you serious, when you asked if I was gunna tell everyone what I saw?" she asked presently.
Jubilee grinned. "Not seriously considerin' it. The whole Buddhist not killin' anything would kinda get in the way of the work. Guess I'll just have to find some other reason to wear a black leather catsuit." Her _expression turned serious, and she brushed the hair back from her face before meeting Amanda's gaze head on. " I don't share that stuff with people, least not anyone that hasn't been paid for talkin' to me about it and even then Samson's the first shrink I ever cared to trust enough to tell even half of it to. It's not that it's private, I guess. I mean, if anyone really wanted to ask me, guess I'd have no reason not to tell 'em. But you got to see somethin' else in there, Amanda. You got to see the stuff that even tellin' people about what happened, they wouldn't know. It ain't every day I lay my soul bare for someone. I kinda like to spare my friends the shitiness that is my mind for the most part. It wouldn't do 'em any good and I don't wanna see 'em hurt by my inability to deal with myself. So, yeah, I was serious about that at least."
She knew it was probably dangerous to be this honest with someone who didn't like her at all but Amanda had already seen her as few other people had. When you were stripped that bare, psychologically speaking, in front of someone, getting a little more naked wasn't going to make much difference.
"Believe me, yer head ain't the shittiest place I've ever been in," Amanda said, sitting back on her heels to look at Jubilee. "Yer fucked up, yeah, but no more'n most of the kids an' half the staff in this bloody place. An' I know 'bout secrets, an' keepin' things from people 'cause you don't want t' mess them up." She pulled her shirt up slightly, showing Jubilee the scarring on her stomach and side. "Remember this? Remember how freaked I was that yer'd seen it? An' how I reacted when Manny blurted it out for everyone t' see?" She gave Jubilee a long, assessing look. "That was done t' me when I was a kid, t' bind me t' someone permanently. Makin' me his property. I don't like t' talk 'bout it, not just 'cause it's fuckin' ugly, but 'cause there's a whole lot of fucked-up shite behind it. The least of which is the fact I spent nine years of me life, most of me fuckin' childhood, bein' used t' power black magic." Roughly, she yanked the shirt back down, returned to her sanding. "Yer got nothin' t' worry about with me tellin'," she muttered, hair hiding her face.
Jubilee wasn't sure what it was that drove her to do what she did next. She'd felt a stab of guilt at Amanda's confession, a confirmation of what Angelo had told her. She reached forward, brushing the hair away from Amanda's face with a delicate touch, her expression serious.
"I'm sorry, about what he did to you, and what I said that time you came back. It's weird, havin' so many people around with as much damage if not more then mine. Still adjustin' to the fact that people might understand. Makes me a look like an idiot, I guess. Havin' all these issues. I just don't want them to look at me like I think they would. I don't want people to go all silent or get uncomfortable when I walked into a room. "
"You get used to it," Amanda sighed, flinching back slightly at the touch. The only other time Jubilee had touched her had been to hit her, and her forearms flared with dull pain, reminding her of how much pain they'd inflicted. "I've been gettin' those looks for most of me life, an' that ain't about t' change. The scars're permanent - not even Rom's healin' spells can shift 'em. I can't ever wear those skimpy tops you an' the other girls like so much, or go t' the beach in a bathin' suit, or any of that, not without gettin' those looks. D'you wonder why I got so bent out of shape over Manny thinkin' you were pretty? 'Cause you are." With an impatient gesture, Amanda waved what she'd said away. "But I don't want t' turn this into "my life sucks more 'n yers". 'M just sayin', you spend yer life thinkin' yer nothin', then that's all you'll ever be. Some of us can't change what we are, but you can. An' it makes me bloody well wild seein' you toss all those chances away. Yer pretty, yer smart, you get on with people, but all yer've done this last yer is cut yerself off an' decided you ain't worth nothin'. An' that's a fuckin' waste."
Jubilee nodded, thinking about what she'd said. "You think I'm pretty?" she asked, and chuckled as she realised she'd picked the least important of the things she'd said to ask about. She thought about what else she'd said, about the chances. She knew she was right, even if it was like drinking broken glass to admit it. "It's hard, the smart thing. I mean, I could be doin' as well as Kitty or Marie-Ange but I ain't got the focus like them. Mom, she used ta help me with that, would sit me down and make sure I took the time to actually learn the stuff rather then goof off cause I was bored. I learn things so fast sometimes, that it's hard to keep it all in my head, especially if I don't like what I'm learnin'. And you ain't ugly. Don't know why you think you are. The scars are different but they're not ugly. Guess I could just be weird in what I think of as ugly though."
Jubilee looked down at the bucket of spackle, not sure what to say next but suddenly deciding just to say what she felt, as she'd always done before. Sometimes, you had to say things without thinking, or they never got said, even if the rest of the time you probably shouldn't.
"I'm afraid of what I am. I got a power that's only good to harm people. I was so fucking scared and I kept losin' control and burnin' things. I just didn't want to hurt anyone, and then it just got easier to avoid people and not talk to them. Only, I don't do to well with the hermit stuff. I'm more a people person then that, so all I ended up doin' was gettin' all strange and depressed. After it happened, when they were talkin' to me, tryin' to find out what had gone on. I kept thinkin' if only I'd screamed earlier, my folks would be alive. Logically, I know that's all a bunch of crap. But it ain't logic that's the problem. But I realise I ain't been helpin' Samson, or myself lately. As stupid and fuckin' pathetic as it sounds, I needed you, Mandy. I needed to hear what you said, cause I couldn't say it to myself, felt like I didn't have a right to be better."
Amanda was silent for a long moment, running the sanding block idly over the floor whilst she thought. "Yer welcome," she said simply at last. "I think yer cracked, that you needed me t' give you a bollockin' before yer'd realise what you have here, but I... I'm glad it helped." The last words came out in a rush. "But I never said that. Understand?"
Jubilee grinned suddenly, her expression teasing. "Dude, the fact that we're even talkin' would be enough ta give people heart attacks, let alone me tellin' 'em anything else. And speakin' of other people, here comes Manny and he must have figured out the microwave cause I totally think that's soup he's got."
Jubilee knew she was changing the subject but she wasn't yet ready to talk about their fight and she knew if they continued talking it would probably come up. There was only so much growing up she could do in any one day, and she'd about reached her limit today.
"Told him he'd get it eventually," Amanda snickered, returning to her sanding as Jubilee took up spackling again. There was a touch of curiosity down the link from Manuel at her suddenly improved mood, but she simply shrugged. Some things did better to stay between the parties involved.
