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To: Betsy
From: Lorna
Subject: Please don’t just delete this because it’s coming from me

Betsy,

God I hope you’re reading this or I'm going to feel really stupid talking to empty cyberspace.

I owe you a huge apology. One of these days I’m going to learn to keep my mouth shut when it wants to say stupid things but I’m a very slow learner. I was probably dropped on my head as a child.

I don’t know how many times I can use the “I was angry” excuse before even I don’t buy it anymore but here’s one more shot at it.

It’s true, at least. I was angry and it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. Punching the bag didn’t seem like enough of a release and so verbal abuse was the next step. Really it was just bad luck that you happened to be the one in range. I wasn’t ready to think rationally or, you know, at all. You’re right; I don’t listen when I should and it’s a habit that just keeps getting me in trouble.

I’ve made all sorts of mistakes recently and hurt a lot of people who didn’t deserve it and knowing me, I’ll go on making them and hurting people. Not because I’m trying to be a vicious, evil bitch—no matter how good an impression I do of it—but because that’s what happens when you’re a human. We fail and fall and hurt people and if we’re very lucky, we have the chance to get up, try again and make amends.

So while I’m trying to sort out this mess that I made of my life I should acknowledge that you were right about more than just the needing to listen. I am scared out of my mind and I’m doing a better job running from what’s happened to Alex and me than I am trying to fix it. Despite appearances, I am trying to work on it though.

Of course, I’d like to point out that I wasn’t all wrong either. Wait! Don’t stop reading, this is important.

I was wrong to take my anger out on you and saying that you were as much of a fuck up as I am was wrong too. But I’m not wrong about who should listen to you. I’ve always respected you and considered your thoughts on any matter well worth listening to and you have this damnable tendency to be right which just adds to it. I’m not saying you’re a paragon of virtue—see above about being human after all—but making the effort counts for a lot and only rarely in my experience have you ever not considered the needs of others before the needs of self. That counts big in the cosmos and we should all be so inclined.

I don’t know if we can ever fix what we did in the past. I do think that there is a difference between justice and mercy. I think justice would have smote us all to tiny tiny pieces long ago if we lived by its auspices alone. We have to rely on and extend mercy and hope that it is in turn given to us. An eye for an eye is gratifying and just. It neither diminishes nor greatens the one wronged, merely corrects the balance. Mercy, like Shakespeare said, is twice blest. But it is so because it is not required. All we have a right to is justice and all that is expected of us is justice. Mercy is a gift and never something owed.

There is a lot more rambling here than I intended. I really just meant to say I was sorry and not babble on endlessly but since I’ve typed it, I’m going to go ahead and leave it. Maybe it’s not worth the pixels it’s made of; I’m okay with that.


I’m going to shut up now. I don’t need a reply. I just wanted you to know that I am sorry.

--Lorna