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[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

Last Thursday. Alison and Scott meet each other halfway, after this email is sent in reply to this particular email. They talk some, about things small and great, present and past.

I crash and I burn, maybe some day you'll learn // I'm only human on the inside // I stumble and fall, baby, under it all // I'm only human on the inside

She walked down the hallway, staring intently at the pattern of the wood grain on the floor. New floors which Cain had installed and grumpily muttered something about runamuck kids and ruining the wood again one early morning, she remembered. The memory didn't bring a smile to her face however and instead she stopped in the middle of the hallway.

Just about the right distance, or so she estimated. Still looking down she carefully lined up the tip of her feet, toes wriggling for a moment in the socks she was wearing, hands clasped behind her back as she waited.

Yet another object lesson, Scott thought with a tired smile as he came out of his suite and saw Alison waiting what had to be just about halfway between her rooms and his. He came down the hall, stopping in front of her for a moment, and then shifted over a little, sliding down the wall to a sitting position.

"Sit down with me?" he asked a bit wistfully, looking up at her. "Unless you want to loom. Looming is good, too."

He was barely done speaking that she was scrambling to sit down next to him,  not at all shy about nudging herself close enough to lean against his shoulder. Just enough to establish contact. "I'm not the looming type, much," she said, giving him a sidelong look and a crooked smile.

"I'm glad. Looming isn't much fun, contrary to popular belief. Either for the loomer or the loomee." And he was sounding inane. But at least the pressure of her shoulder against his wasn't making him want to pull away this morning. It ached, a little, thinking back to yesterday morning especially, but to be honest, he was too tired to let himself get locked into scary circular thinking again. So he just wasn't going to do it.

He sighed instead, letting his head rest back against the wall. "I am very... graceless when I'm floundering," he said quietly. "One of those drowning people who likes to smack potential rescuers in the head because they're too panicked to calm down and pay attention to what's going on."

"Likes or just doesn't know how else to react?" she murmured, relaxing a bit herself as she looked forward at the wall facing them. Sunlight was streaming through the window at the end of the hallway and it was one of those rare moments without someone racing down the hall or screams of something or other off in the distance. "There's a big difference, y'know."

She didn't go into how she felt that she hadn't been paying enough attention, hadn't sent he build-up to this - it wasn't the time and wouldn't serve any purpose except Scott perhaps blaming himself for that or worrying about her when he had other things to worry about. This was, she thought, a case where actions would just have to speak louder than words. She'd pay a lot more attention from now on.

"Does the difference really matter? There was smacking, one way or the other..." Scott took a deep, somewhat unsteady breath and then let it out again. "I've made such a mess of it all," he said, his voice even lower. "There are people trying to tell me it's not an irreparable mess, but I'm having such a hard time believing that. I was making... lists, last night, like I said. It felt good to get it all down, but I woke up this morning and looked at them and I just... I wanted to go back to bed." He laughed a little, wearily.

"Makes a lot of difference and the whys of either do too..." She left it at that, up to him to push that line further or not, or just spend time thinking on it if he wished. "Catching up on sleep, Scott, is a damn smart way to start on things, you know?" She stretched out her legs and wiggled her toes one more, the socks smiling at her merrily from each toe - Miles had picked those out, a few weeks ago.

She smiled back at them, and then turned the expression on Scott. "What makes you think it's irreparable?" She wondered how much of the good he was forgetting to take into account, while focusing on the bad.

"There's just too much," he said wearily, his shoulders slumping a little. "My lists sort of illustrated that. Mistake after mistake after half-assed job done..." He took another breath, one that caught in his chest this time. "So much stuff I didn't see, or let slide..."

"You're only doing one list," she pointed out firmly. "You're forgetting the one where you didn't let things slide. Where you did exactly what you should have done. And then there's how you're harder on yourself than anyone else would ever even think to be. It's scary to watch sometimes." She prodded him in the ribs lightly so he'd look at her. "Right now, I'd say the lists aren't objective, mmm?" Understatement of the year, that. She considered her next words for a moment, then just raced along with it.

"You know, when I got here? I was all just about hiding low until the sniper went away, then going right back to my career. Didn't matter that my power control wasn't perfect, didn't matter that there were other things going on, I wasn't even really wanting to care about having come out as a mutant, too." She tilted her head and smiled at him wryly. "You were just… there. Doing your thing." She shook her head, chuckling a bit. "You make people want to do better, Scott.  You make people want to want to be better people, just because you keep trying to do that too. That's not list stuff, Scott. But I'd say it pretty blows whatever else you were coming up with right out of the water."

"It's so hard to hear that, though," Scott said, his voice very low, almost small as he looked away from her and stared down at his hands. "So hard to believe it, deep down, when you put it alongside everything else." He shook his head a little, closing his eyes. "I'm... task-oriented, Alison, we all know this. And I can't help fixating on the stuff that didn't get done, or didn't get done properly, or that is still out there waiting to get done. But it just... weighs you down so much, you know? And then stupid little things, like that damned post, just send you tipping right over the edge." He looked up, gave her a painful look. "You know what finally got me, yesterday? Thinking about how Charles would feel about all of this. What he'd say. It was like I'd run into this brick wall, except it was there all along and that's what I was running from..."

Alison raised an eyebrow at that, wondering if they were talking about the same Charles. Oh, wait. Right. And boy was he heading in the wrong direction. Her lips twitched but she decided this was something he'd have to find out on his own. Still...

"Scott? If Charles did something wrong, messed up something and was tearing himself to bits over it... what would you do?" She didn't roll her eyes at him, thankfully, but there was the shadow of a wry if fond smile present, no doubt about it.

"I--" Scott stopped, blinked. "Try and talk to him about it, I guess," he said uncertainly, then looked a little more closely at Alison. "This is you telling me I need to talk to Charles, isn't it?"

Eyes dancing in amusement, Alison reached up and patted him on the head. "And I didn't even need to whap you upside the head!" She couldn't help it, grinning widely at him, shoulders shaking in silent laughter.

He tried to smile back, but the expression wavered and slipped away even as he tried to hold onto it. "It's the stupidest thing," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "This is Charles we're talking about. But I'm just..." Scott looked away, his jaw clenching a bit. "I can't shake the idea that I've disappointed him," he said, in a whisper. "Not that damned post, or not mostly. Everything else."

"Well, there's only one way for you to clear that one up," she said simply. "Hearing how he feels about it himself is the best way to go, instead of making assumptions, mmm?"

Scott shook his head, then leaned back against the wall. "I know," he said tiredly. "Not far enough gone not to know the right thing to do. At least when it's this simple. It's just... doing it that's the hard part." Admitting to Charles that it had all gotten to be too much, that he was floundering, would be the last step in admitting it to himself. Which, he supposed, would be a good thing.

"Let me know how it goes?" she asked softly. Just to let him know that there would be an after, in all of this. "You'll go see him today, yes?" Not pushing or requiring, just curious and hopeful that he would.

Scott nodded. "One way or the other," he said unsteadily. "And I will. Can't run away from it all anymore - look where it got me." There weren't any handy refuges left, no work that he could successfully bury himself in. "It'll all work out," he went on, trying to convince himself as much as Alison. Not particularly managing it. "I'm just... tired, I guess."

"Which brings me to my other point. Doctor visit." She nodded, a stern look not unlike those she tended to direct at Miles when needed creeping over her features. "Sound of body, sound of mind, mm? You need sleep and probably more than just that, but a doctor visit is a good start."

Scott blinked at her, honestly startled by the suggestion. "I'm not... well, okay, so within the last month I've had a building dropped on my head and gotten nuked..." He stopped, his lips trembling, but this time with suppressed laughter. "Shit, will you listen to me?"

"I am," she drawled wryly, shaking her head at him and not really bothering to repress a snicker of her own. "So this is you saying you're going to go, mmm?" Her voice deepened with a hint of amusement, not lingering on the what ifs of those event, since he was here now and safe. And talking.

"I suppose I could," Scott said with a sigh as he finally wrestled the laughter under control. "You'd think if there was anything wrong, Maddie or Hank would have twigged to it, given the number of times I'd been in the medlab over the past few weeks."

"Yeah, well. When you're checking to see if someone's going to glow in  the dark or growing a third arm when they're not supposed to, you can sometimes miss the small things." And you hide things well, thank you very much. She grinned a bit. "Besides. You going on your own will give them enough of a sign, I think."

"Hey, look on the bright side. If you go see Moira she can't. It's be the pot calling the kettle black." She nodded solemnly, before winking at him.

He gave her another faint smile, but his eyes drifted back to the wall across from them. "I figured out, in all my lists last night, where it all started to go wrong," he said, very softly. "Where I started to go wrong, rather. A year and a half and it just leads right back to Alkali Lake."

The smile faded from her lips entirely and she gave him a sorrowful look, leaning against him without even realizing it. Offering and seeking comfort both, because for all that she hadn't known Jean that long, she'd seen how the aftermath of her death had affected everyone around her. Unbidden, the memory of Ororo tending to the rose garden which had been Jean's came to mind and she fancied she could almost smell the scent of the roses.

"You never-" she stopped, suddenly. And let him go on instead, just listening.

"I took the easy way out, in the time that led up to that," Scott went on, just as quietly. "With her. Didn't push like I should have, didn't see what was going on in front of my eyes..." He looked sideways at Alison, his expression pained. "And it's like I kept doing that, Alison, all the time since. Missing things. Not fighting hard enough, for so many different reasons..."

Alison looked down, leaning against him instead, hiding a wince as realization flooded her. Of course, he was closest, he would be one of the first to not see, not know... she had to talk to Betsy. Soon. Because not realizing the truth about Betsy's drinking problem would not be a Good Thing for Scott. Not again.

"Jean didn't talk to anyone about what was going on, Scott." She reminded him of that gently, before looking at him once more. "You're not a mind reader, y'know." It wasn't much of a joke, really, but it was the best she could come up with. It's hard to see stuff sometimes if there's nothing for us to latch on and see it. And... You couldn't know. No one did." Not even Charles.

"I should have," Scott murmured. "I really should have pushed harder.." He stopped, shaking his head. "There I go again," he sighed. "It's just such a... pattern, Alison. Not doing enough." He looked away again, expression going briefly blank as something hit him. "I've gotten obsessed with the steps in between, rather than the goal," he said slowly. "All the pieces of the puzzle, rather than the whole thing."

"How could you know?" She sighed, nudging his shoulder a bit, but her expression lightened a bit at the fact that he recognized what he was doing so quickly. "You know... the whole thing is pretty damn big to stare at, when you get to doing that." She kept the thrill of fear at the thought in check, not letting it show at all. "Seeing the parts makes it more manageable somehow, even if you end up walking into a blind corner - we're only human, y'know, in the end."

"But the pieces are important, too," he said with a sigh. "You can't ever reach the whole, without them. Rome not having been built in a day and all..." He smiled a bit wanly.

"The parts make the whole..." she smiled back at him, nodding. She much preferred not looking at the big picture when it came to some things, herself. But then again, she was pertinently aware that was how she operated. "Hey... it'll be okay. It's kinda the same for you, only reversed, huh? Work on some of the small things, and the big things will start making more sense?"

"I don't know. Depends what you mean by small things." Scott swallowed. "There's too much that's too important, still..." He looked up at her again, his expression tightening, his whole body following suit as if he were bracing himself. "Just too much in general..."

"So I keep getting reminded," he said with another wan smile. "At some point it's got to sink in. My head's not that thick, you know." Before she could poke him again, he took her hand in his, squeezing it gently.

Scott took a deep breath. "In a minute," he said very softly, and then, very tentatively, reached out and hugged her. Half-expecting her to pull away, given how he'd acted the last time she'd tried this.

There was a moment were Alison didn't move, just a second really, where her mind went blank before the word 'oh!' floated somewhere in her head. The instant afterwards she was hugging him back, fiercely so and without any reserve at all, smiling rather foolishly at that.

Scott let his breath out on a shaky sigh and clung to her. Wasn't quite as hard as it had been, to let go a little, like this. Maybe that was a good sign. "Thanks, Ali," he muttered, his voice a little uncertain, still.