Samson & Jubilee log.

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

Who: Samson, Jubilation Lee

By the by, Rossi is to be thanked for the Samson dialogue, as she did an exceptional job of socking him for me in this log also. :)

When: Friday, 24th September 2004. 4:30pm.

What happens: Jubilee goes to talk to Samson about what's been happening in her life lately. They talk about Manny, why she's doing what she'd doing and where she needs to go in the future.

Song lyric from: 'I feel so numb' by Rob Zombie.



Jubilee knocked lightly on the door before entering, not wanting to disturb Dr Samson if he was busy. This wasn't one of their scheduled meetings and she hoped he'd have some time. She was still wearing her sweats from doing Tai Chi that morning, as the need to talk had struck her suddenly half way through her routine.

"Anyone home?"

"Door's open, Jubilee," came Samson's reply. He was between sessions, using the time to catch up on the journals - he kept a weather eye open for any possible problems, as well as various people pointing him towards matters they thought he needed to know. Madelyn's email to him about Shiro being a case in point. He closed the browser window, though, as Jubilee came in and looked at her expectantly. He'd been waiting for either Jubilee or Amanda to talk to him about the fight, and since Amanda was in full flight mode, that left Jubilee. "Something on your mind?" he asked, waving her towards a chair.

Jubilee sat down in the offered chair, studying a small picture that sat on Samson's desk. It wasn't a photo so much as a miniature painting. It was really quite good and she wondered who had created it.

"Kinda thought it was about time I started talkin' to someone about what happened." she said simply.

Jubilee curled herself up in the chair, arms sliding around her knees as she glanced out the window at the sunny day outside. The sky, a small band of blue at the very top of the window was inviting. Not for the first time, she felt a pang of envy for those whose mutation allowed them to fly.

"Ever think about what it might be like to fly?" she asked, slipping off into a tangent. "I always used to wonder if clouds would feel like they look."

"According to those fliers I've talked to, they're rather cold and wet," Samson said with a wry smile. "Not at all fluffy." He pushed some files aside, made room for his notepad and pen. "But clouds aside, apparently flying is very liberating. A kind of escape." There was a slight hint in the last words.

Jubilee thought about that, fingers tapping out the beat of a song that had been stuck in her head for most of the morning. It was from one of Paige's workout tapes.

"I slept with Manny. Because it felt good and I wanted to. I didn't exactly think out what would happen next. You know, I totally have this habit of doing things with no thought of the future. Maybe I just never wanted to get that involved. It's easier doing things with no thought. Then when you screw up people can excuse you cause you weren't thinkin' and so you're not really a bad person, just a stupid one. Pity that I ain't stupid. It'd be so much easier if I could just agree with them and let things slide."

"Unfortunately the easy way is often not the right way to go about things," Samson said with a slight smile. "And you know that. So why take the easy way in this situation? Did you feel that strongly about Manuel?"

There was dirt under her fingernails and she spent some time cleaning them before she answered, her eyes focused on her hands rather then on Samson. "He's my friend. We have fun, you know? When I realised he was attracted to me, it kinda went to my head. I've never had anyone see me like that before. It didn't seem to matter what it'd do down the track."

"You're using a lot of past tense there, Jubilee. How about now? Does it matter now?"

"Maybe. We're still...God, any way you could say it just sounds so stupid. We're still havin' the sex. I mean, I totally didn't touch him for ages after, and not just cause I was injured. But then he was there and it feels so fucking good. And I don't want to stop. It's not that I've got any fluffy romantic notions, cause I don't. But it's like, it's fun. It's not some huge dramatic thing, just him and me havin' fun."

There was a flicker in Samson's eyes, but nothing more. "And the third party in the matter? Does she know it's still going on?"

Jubilee sighed, fidgeting. It was something that still bothered her, even with Manny's reassurances. "I can't see how she doesn't. They've got that whole link thing, afterall. We haven't been talkin' much, beyond her gettin' sucked into my dream a week ago. And well, Manny and I aren't exactly at it every night, either. We've been together just twice since everything happened. And I know it sounds bad, like I didn't learn anything. But it's not like that."

"How is it like, then? Because, as you've admitted, it does look bad. You sleeping with Manuel was pretty much the catalyst for an extremely dangerous situation - either you or Amanda could have been seriously injured, perhaps even killed. And you're continuing the behaviour. You've said yourself it's just for fun, so why is fun so important to you that you'd risk all this again?"

Jubilee glared at Samson, not wanting to talk about this, wishing she'd not brought it up. "Maybe I'm too stupid to know it's dangerous. Or maybe I just have a death wish and if I try real hard, one day someone'll finally come along and put me out of my misery." she snarled.

"And maybe you just want to feel some measure of love and comfort," Samson countered smoothly, not letting Jubilee's anger ruffle him. Better she let it out than bottle it up. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel good, Jubilee, but you need to decide whether the method you're choosing is because you really don't think you deserve anything better. Manuel is just as responsible for any consequences - possibly moreso, since he's linked to Amanda as you mentioned - but you're making a choice here. You need to know why."

Jubilee pulled the shawl from the back of the chair and wrapped it around her shoulders. She supposed Samson left it there for just such a purpose. Wrapped up in it, she felt safer, although she couldn't say why.

"After my folks died, no one would touch me. I mean, why would they, right? I wasn't anything but a patient, someone to be dealt with. The ones that killed them, I hated them for that. Not just for takin' away my folks but for makin' it so that no one would even touch me. Then, after awhile the hate just became this thing in the back of my head and even on the worse days it was warm. An then it just got kinda numb and I couldn't feel it burnin' at me anymore."

Jubilee curled her fists up in the shawl, pressing them against her knees hard. "What I do with Manny, I know it ain't love. I know it. But I can pretend it is. Just for a moment I can feel what it was like when they were alive and I can be normal again. I can't give that up. I don't want to. It's not fair to ask me to go back to feelin' nothin' at all and havin' it burn me inside out."

"Even if it results in pain for someone else?" Samson asked quietly.

"I don't wanna hurt anyone. I tried to leave and they brought me back. Maybe they'd have been better off just lettin' me go."

"Leaving is the only way you can think of to not hurt anyone?"

"Yes. The only way not to hurt people is to keep moving. Less time people get to know you, less chance you have of hurtin' them." Jubilee said, wiping at her nose with the back of her sleeve as her shoulders slumped.

"But that doesn't always work, does it? And what if you find somewhere you don't want to leave?" Here was the crux of it, Samson decided. Jubilee was very good at twisting away from the point, but this had been building a while. He got up from behind his desk, a box of tissues in hand, and sat in the chair opposite her. "Running doesn't get you away from your problems, Jubilee. They just follow you around and wait for you to catch your breath. It's hard, but sometimes you have to stand and face them, the same way you faced your fear of your powers."

Jubilee met Samson's gaze, her eyes haunted. "I didn't want to feel anything for them. It was just another place to be. I mean, somewhere dry to sleep and food in my belly. It was gonna do for awhile. Only then, everyone was so fucking nice and they cared. I'm scared that if I let myself stay here, I'll get 'em all killed. They never even found out why those guys were there. The cops couldn't even trace 'em, it was like they were ghosts. How do I know I won't walk around a corner one day and see 'em just standin' there?"

"Jubilee, if those men had been interested in killing you, don't you think they would have finished the job that night? It would have taken all of a second to pull the trigger, and they still would have had time to escape." Samson's tone was firm, but compassionate. "And even if they did manage to trace you - and that's highly unlikely, given the fact Charles protects the privacy of his staff and students as much as he can - the school has a state of the art security system now. No-one's breached it since it was put in, save Jamie's dupe, and that's a highly unusual case." He leaned forward, holding her gaze. "No-one will be killed because you're here, Jubilee. Trust me on that."

"I want to believe that. I'm trying to let people get closer. Even if most of the time I just feel like cutting and running." she said, relaxing her shoulders slightly.

"Fight or flight." Jubilee raised her eyebrows at him, and he elaborated. "When confronted by a threat, it's wired into us to either fight or flee. Your experiences as a young child taught you there were things you couldn't fight, so you learned to flee instead. Even when it's not required." Samson paused, then went on. "This situation with Manuel, what you're continuing to do, that's flight as well, in a way. You're using sex with Manuel as a way of not thinking about your problems."

"So, how do I learn to stand and fight?" she asked.

"Not with your fists," he replied immediately, with enough humour in his voice to show he was largely joking. "Or your powers. Basically you learn to recognise the problem, and take steps to solve it. You sleep with Manuel because you want to feel loved, but you have to see that ultimately, it's going to cause problems. For you, for him, for Amanda. And for the rest of your friends... you've already lost some because of all this, haven't you?"

"Marie-Ange." Jubilee said softly, pulling the shawl closer around her shoulders. "But I think in the end, that friendship was more because it was what I wanted to see. I liked her, so I automatically thought she liked me back. I got rather forcibly proven wrong."

"It happens. It doesn't mean that you're unlikable. Or unloveable. Just that there are some people out there who don't like you, same as there are people you don't like." He refrained from bringing up Amanda as an example. "And for the friends you lost, you have those that are standing by you, yes?" At her nod, he went on. "Friends forgive - that's one of the joys of having them. But there are limits, and I think this situation with Manuel is one of them."

Jubilee nodded. "I gotta tell him no, don't I? Explain to him why we can't anymore. Just, I don't have ta stay away from him entirely, do I? I don't think that'd be fair."

"No, it wouldn't be. And Manuel needs friends as much as you do, perhaps even more." Samson pinched the bridge of his nose. "Honesty, at least, is required here. You're assuming Amanda knows, but Manuel has far more control of his powers now - blocking the link wouldn't be beyond him. Ask him if she knows, and if she doesn't, insist on him telling her. Because what you're doing right now is compounding an already damaged situation." He gave her a slightly more sympathetic look. "He can be very persuasive, but you're going to have to decide what you'd rather - to have fun and feel good, or to have slightly less fun and feel better about yourself as a person. Because you wouldn't have mentioned it at all if it wasn't bothering you, would you?"

"It's not really somethin' that could be considered idle chatter, Doc. Okay, I can do that. You gonna be around to talk to if things go badly?" she asked, sitting a little straighter now.

"I'm here whenever you need me," he reassured her.