xp_logs | Nathan and Charles, Wednesday morning

The day after the incident in the Danger Room with Alison, with his vision more or less back to normal, Nathan goes to Charles to discuss his problems with his TK. Charles has figured out their source and offers a couple of solutions - one long-term, one short.

His vision was almost right again this morning, thankfully. Everything was still too bright, the colors too vivid, and he got little sparkly flashes in his peripheral vision every so often that reminded him rather distressingly of his visions, but his actual vision was more or less clear. And his depth perception was back, which was good. Stopping in front of Charles' office door, Nathan knocked.

"Come in," Charles called out, still staring at the medical report on his desk with a somewhat numb sensation curling up gently in the back of his mind. He shook it off however, focusing on the present and the person on the other side of the door. To say that this would require his entire attention was an understatement, to say the least. But he hoped things would go well. He always hoped.

Nathan smiled faintly at the sight of Charles sitting at his desk with a file open in front of him. Results from the latest round of tests Moira and Maddie had run on him last night after Alison had hauled him to the medlab, he'd be willing to admit. "Good morning, Charles," he said quietly.

"Good morning, Nathan," he replied softly, smiling gently at the man not quite hovering in the doorway. He gestured towards the chair before his desk, inviting Nathan to sit down. "It seems you have been having some interesting adventures of late, in regards to your power." He left it at that, leaving it up to Nathan to go into further details.

Nathan sighed and sat down. "I had fully planned to take it easy, like Moira suggested when she ran those tests last week," he said. "I may be obstinate and lacking in common sense when it comes to my own well-being at times, but really, even I have limits." His fingers tapped out a nervous rhythm on the arm of the chair. "Alison and I were doing a perfectly standard sort of Danger Room exercise, nothing at all excessive. Some of the light she was projecting intersected with my shield, and that altered-vision just kicked in, spontaneously."

Charles glanced down at the scans on his desk, but he already knew what was going on - looking at the pictures was more of a reflex, than anything else. "And this has happened before under different circumstances, has it not? Would you please describe them to me?" He kept an almost conversational tone as they spoke.

"Generally, when I've been trying to concentrate on manipulating things below the visible level. It started..." Nathan paused, trying to remember. "Well, I suppose it started back when I, uh... that argument with Betsy? Everything had a glow to it when I lost it and turned those bushes into glass." He grimaced a bit; that wasn't a memory he particularly liked to revisit. "But it was after that training exercise with Moira back at the beginning of August when I started seeing like this, really. Like I said, it happens when I try to change the molecular structure of things, or manipulate energy. A few times, just spontaneously..."

Well, that set a threshold, of sorts. And the bare bones of what he was describing merely confirmed what he knew was happening. The very thorough reports Moira had given him the previous evening and which he had spent the night pouring over had made things only too clear. "I have spent some time reading these," he rested a hand atop one of the thick files, "and I believe I know what has happened." He paused, not exactly going for a dramatic effect and mostly gathering his own thoughts, before going on in a grave tone of voice. "You've sprained your brain, Nathan."

"Again?" Absurdly, given that he'd spent much of last night unable to see anything but Kaleidoscope-World, Nathan felt a faint smile tugging at his lips. "I seem to be making a habit of that."

"And old habits die hard, it would seem," was the half-wry, half-amused response - it wasn't as though Charles himself had not been guilty of that a few times. He wondered how often that had happened before Nathan's arrival at the mansion and if there might not be an inherent inset weakness to deal with atop all the present damage. There was only one way to find out, really. Just as there was only one way to keep the present situation from worsening. "I know how to ease the matter for now and give you time to heal properly, however. If you'll allow it."

"I'm not liking the whole intermittent blindness thing," Nathan said, striving to keep the deadpan tone and not quite managing it. The nightmares last night had been bad, even by his standards. Odd that something like this could make you aware of a primal fear you hadn't even been aware you had, but the idea of blindness seemed to get to him on all kinds of levels. Or maybe it was just the idea of being helpless. "Whatever you've got in mind, I'm game. Pun intended."

"There are several kinds of blindness," Charles murmured, thinking about Kritzer. He firmly steered his thoughts away from Mistra and its training methods however, as that was the last thing he wanted to think about with Nathan present. "I would, of course, never perform such an intervention without your full permission," he said softly, nodding at the look of gradual realization in Nathan's eyes.

"Oh... right." Nathan forced himself to relax his grip on the arms of the chair and take a deep breath. "Still game," he said, if a bit more weakly. "I might... I'll do my best to keep my shields down."

"Why Nathan... I was actually hoping we could start in my own mind." Charles smiled calmly, placing his hands on the arms of his chair and leaning back, the perfect picture of calmness and relaxation. "After all, you need to see a perfectly unbruised brain before we take a look at yours. Something to give your own mind the roadmap to good health."

Nathan relaxed - fractionally. "That... makes sense," he said a bit more steadily. Reminding himself that this was Charles, and he trusted Charles. Still, he was more than a little tentative as he reached out with his mind towards Charles then paused at the customary distance, like a mental hand extended.

A layering of shields slowly unfolding before his mental senses, there here and now of physicality shifting to another realm of perception as Charles allowed him within his mind, allowing Nathan to set his own pace in the matter. He knew only too well that Nathan would be harder on himself than anyone else - and so would not allow himself to back away from this now that he had committed to it. From now on, as a result. Charles' primary concern was to make this as easy for Nathan as it possibly could be.

What Nathan noticed immediately was the smooth, fluid patterning of Charles' thoughts, the disciplined elegance. His mind was almost like a stained-glass window, Nathan thought dimly, if stained-glass windows could be three-dimensional.

The layering of Charles' thoughts shifted slowly, a path traced in myriad glittering impulses opening upon an easily recognizable trail for Nathan to follow. I am not a telekinetic, but I believe you will know what I mean to show you, the voice was clear and crisp, as neat as the mind itself. There are no real words for this. But there are things which are so, followed by a clear pattern brightly vibrating within, clean and strong, and there are others which are so. Another distinct amalgam of sensation and knowing was offered up for Nathan's perceptions, along with the feeling of familiarity and comfort.

There was a sense of rightness, of stability about the patterns of energy. It was all distinctly Charles, and Nathan felt a sudden flash of longing tempered by resentment, at Mistra and at the Askani. Control over the shape of your own mind. It seemed like such a simple concept.

The patterns folded into themselves, not too quickly but with calm surety. By now Nathan was fully within the shielding of Charles' own mind, unhindered by any of the safeguards which were nonetheless clearly present. I've made what one could call copies, for you. A base template for you to keep within yourself, so that you may have a comparison tool with how things feel now within your own thoughts, and how they should feel. It will not impose upon you my working patterns, however. Think of it more as a set of... guidelines. And for a moment, there was a different cast to Charles' mental voice, edged with clear amusement.

That Charles was quoting something, or something, was obvious, but Nathan was too intrigued by what he was seeing to try and identify it. So a long-term solution, Nathan said, examining the copies tentatively. I suppose that only makes sense... I didn't get myself into this state overnight.

No, you did not. The densely packed memory packet floated towards Nathan's own senses, waiting at the edge for him to reach out and take it. Think of it as a muscle injury. There is a severity in the tearing and damage, but it can still heal if given the chance. The mind knows how it should be - this is merely a tool to help you know as well and not interfere with the natural healing process once we set the safeguard in place.

Reaching out to take the memory packet, Nathan froze. Safeguard? But... no, that made sense. There would have to be something, since this was starting to happen spontaneously... Nathan took the memory packet, absently tracing one of the Askani meditative patterns in his own mind, trying to overcome that sudden flash of alarm.

There was a pause, a sense of calm and patience and understanding radiating from without and within. It seems imperative to me to give the part of your mind which handles your telekinetic talent the time it needs to heal some very old wounds, Nathan. Think of it as a band aid, if that helps. One of those glow in the dark things which seems to have taken residence in every cupboard of the school of late.

Old wounds? Nathan thought, a bit confused, and more than a little disoriented by the image of the glow-in-the-dark band-aid. It's only been a couple of months, I don't understand what-- He stopped, realizing. It hasn't just been the last couple of months, then.

A brief glimmer and one of the energy patterns changed, reflecting briefly another mental landscape entirely - one Nathan knew well. Such levels of damage do not happen in so short an amount of time, Nathan. This was a very slow progression. Now that we know what to look for, what is happening... much of the way the damage takes shape seems to be patterned along an existing path which was damaged before. Over and over.

What came back to mind suddenly were the training exercises at Mistra. Like the one he'd told Lorna about, forty hours of continuous telekinesis and then waking up in the base infirmary with one of the nurses telling him he'd stopped breathing. Pushing until he broke through what he'd thought were his limits. And that hadn't been the only time. Like a structural weakness in a building, he sent slowly, the image flickering through his mind.

Or the stress fractures an athlete endures, after pushing himself beyond his limits too quickly and without the proper preparation. If any of the memory flashes flickering across Nathan's mental landscape registered, Charles gave no sign of it at all. Healing will require time and patience - and for certain parts of your brain to be pushed no further than it can bear without triggering any reaction each time you trip over the old injuries. A circuit-breaker, of sorts, to keep you from accessing anything below the visible level of a microscope and allow the time needed for the stress and build-up of psionic energy to fade. Almost as an afterthought, Charles continued. And for the physical swelling in those areas of your brain to go down as well. The medical chart he had been looking at early blinked into existence on the mental plane, for Nathan to 'see'.

He wasn't an expert, but Moira had shown him the scans from last week, pointing out the swelling she was worried about. I sort of like being able to see properly, he sent finally, trying to wrestle his anxiety back under control. And I can't afford to burn myself out. Not with the virus. How do we do this?

In simple terms, you shall locate the area which feels wrong and install a psychic breaker to ease the pressure. Images and sensations and mostly feelings flickered by him, a mental display of what the breaker was. The feeling of stability and steadiness surrounding him increased slightly, with a definite undertone of support and calmness. It is a delicate procedure which will take time, but one I have undergone beforehand myself.

Do-it-yourself psychic surgery. Interesting concept. Nathan concentrated hard on what Charles was showing him, part of him wishing that there was more that he could visualize. Old habits died hard. But the pattern of the breaker, even though felt rather than seen, was clear. All right, he sent back hesitantly, and turned his attention back to his own mindscape, so very different than what was here, in Charles' mind. Instead of a stained glass window it was a labyrinth of fractured color, all jagged angles and clouded, scarred patches. There were spots where the pattern of energy that ran beneath it all were almost regular, but right next to them would be a dead spot, or a flaring, sparking feedback loop. And he could feel the Askani, here but not-here - at a deeper level, somehow. Watching him.

A trickle of light threaded around him, growing steadily into a line of power. Support and strength was being offered to him, as well as the sense of someone standing guard - Charles strengthening his shields in a purely protective patterns. They had all the time in the world to do this right, at the rate which best suited Nathan.

It took him what seemed like forever to find the place that felt wrong - or wrongest, rather. There was a dark spot, where the energy seemed to be flowing in two places at once, crackling with feedback, and the area around it felt... burned, almost. Nathan drifted a hesitant mental touch across it and flinched, only to be immediately steadied by a flow of energy and reassurance from Charles.

He took a more careful look, and reeled mentally. There was almost a hole there, and what it opened onto was totally unfamiliar, completely unrecognizable. Shadowy patterns that made no sense, that made him dizzy even to look at them, and he drew back, concentrating almost frantically on the pattern still lingering at the forefront of his mind.

He turned his attention to the energy flows, to redirecting them into the pattern of the breaker. It was more of a strain than he had expected, and part of him was quite sure that he wouldn't have managed this without the energy Charles was providing. But there, he thought, making the last delicate adjustment. There it was, and...

There was a distinct snap, followed by a rush of dizziness, and he lost his mental footing, grabbing frantically at the link that still joined him and Charles.

The response was instantaneous and a bit dizzying, but entirely assured. Strength rose to brace him, anchoring him without trapping him, offering support without any condition whatsoever. It is done. There was a sense of relief almost tingeing the mental voice, although perhaps that was Nathan's own sentiment coloring things. And it is entirely your own work, Nathan. That is very good, for a first breaker.

It's... strange. I can feel it. Like some source of interior pressure had been removed, but that feeling of depth was still there. Just... beyond his reach, for now. Do you think... Stupid question, and one he shouldn't be asking - this had been damaging his mind after all - but he couldn't help himself. Do you think it'll have to be permanent? It was... so beautiful. Like... seeing a world in a grain of sand.

'To see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour.' Charles quoted the words gently. Time will tell, Nathan. But I do not think the damage is permanent. Once everything has been given the chance to heal properly, there is no reason why the breaker could not be removed. There was the briefest of hesitations but Charles continued smoothly. We were there in time.

I suppose, Nathan sent, striving for a humorous tone as Charles started to take them back out of his mind, I shouldn't really complain. It's not as if sticking to the microscopic level and upwards is really going to limit my options. The TK will still be there when I need it. He'd have to test his shielding, though. The shield had held when Alison's lights had intersected with it, after all; it had been the shift in his vision and the sight of her that had shaken him.

Between one moment and the next, perceptions gently shifted and it was Charles' voice speaking to him. "You need at least a week's rest before any experimenting is to occur," he was informed dryly, the note of humour lurking in Charles' voice underscored by a faint but nonetheless very present sternness. "To give the breaker time to settle into place and the relevant damage to settle down."

Nathan opened his mouth and then closed it again. What was he thinking, when he thought things like that? Wait, he wasn't thinking. That was the problem. "No experimenting for a week," he conceded meekly. "I'll break these bad habits yet."

Charles merely relaxed minutely and nodded, smiling slightly. "And now I send you back into Moira's care. No doubt she will want to run tests of her own, to see the physical progression of your healing."

"She has an even more vested interest in keeping me healthy now," Nathan said with a wry smile, rising slowly. He was a bit light-headed, but it passed quickly.

Although the impulse was there, Charles forbore from making any more suggestions. Moira would take care of the man, after all - the bulk of the work was done, what only Charles could do. He had done his part to nudge Nathan towards giving himself perhaps something of a breather. "Have a good day, Nathan," was all he said.

"Thank you, Charles," Nathan said quietly, with a more sincere smile. "You too."

As the door closed behind Nathan, Charles leaned on his desk, looking towards the window and slowly losing himself in his own thoughts. It had been over a year now, since Alkali Lake. The dim whispers he had thought he'd heard had long died away and he no longer waited for her to croon in her sleep again.

Perhaps she had been a figment of his imagination, then. The product of his own damaged mind, pushed to something unimaginable by a madman.

But at least this time, it had not been too late. And Nathan would not go down the path Jean had, to die alone and afraid.