xp_logs | Amanda, Nate - Saturday morning

While the cat's away... While everyone else is at the blood drive, Amanda comes to look after the sickie. And ends up getting relationship advice from the Askani.

Everyone was down at the blood drive it seemed, and the quiet made the house seem even larger than usual, Amanda reflected as she carefully knocked on the door to Nate and Moira's suite. It was carefully because she was carrying a tray with various sick-person comforts - a bowl of chicken soup that Lorna swore black and blue would cure anything, some toast, and the components for her cold cure, the one that tasted really bad but did wonders. "Nate?" she called, hoping she wasn't waking him up.

Nathan, ensconced somewhat comfortably on the couch where Moira had left him, opened his eyes, blinking rather blearily in the direction of the door. He'd been drifting, not precisely asleep, but waking all the way up again was just reminding him that the room still felt cold, and his head was absolutely pounding. "Come in," he called back hoarsely, his eyes moving to where Bella was perched on top of the bookcase, watching him. "Don't look at me like that," he muttered, pulling the thin blanket Moira had allowed him more tightly around himself.

Hmm, problem. Amanda considered the door, then her full hands. Concentrating, she levitated the tray long enough to open the door and came in, tray floating along as she closed the door again behind her. "I'd say you look like hell, but yer've probably heard it a dozen times already. Brought you somethin' t' eat, an' one of my potions," she said, grabbing the tray before it startled to wobble. She glanced up at Bella. "Hey, prettybird. Lookin' after him all right?"

"Sick!" Bella informed her cheerfully.

Nathan glared at the bird for a moment and then pushed himself up a little, settling back against the small mountain of pillows Moira had provided him with. "At least a dozen," he told her, blinking at the tray as she brought it over. "Moira was fussing about going to the blood drive. I think she recruited everyone who was staying here today to come check on me..."

"Between you an' me, 'm glad for the excuse t' not go. Blood's a sort of touchy subject for me - well, for anyone who's into the magic, really. An' needles? Brr." She mock-shuddered as she brought the tray over to him and lay it across his lap. She left the soup and toast for him to start on and scooped up the bag of potion components. "You start on that an' I'll get this potion made. Lorna says her chicken soup's practically magical on flus."

"Smells good," Nathan murmured, picking up the spoon and stirring the soup idly for a moment as he watched Amanda move to the kitchen. "You look tired," he ventured after a moment. "Not ready to drop or anything... just tired."

"Been busy," she said, shrugging. "Catchin' up on homework, tryin' t' help the docs out downstairs..." Nate was giving her that look that said he knew there was more to it, and she gave him a wry smile. "Still not sleepin' great, an' Manny's bein' a bit more of a git than usual lately. 'S nothin', really." She decided not to mention the fact the effort of keeping the wards on her room functional was wearing, not to mention the extra private study she'd been doing was taking a lot out of her.

"Manuel," Nathan said darkly, nibbling apathetically at a piece of toast. His appetite was still somewhere else. "Should've left him locked in the basement of the library..."

"Hmm?" she asked, turning in the act of filling the kettle. Manuel hadn't mentioned being locked in anywhere, but then again, he'd barely said two words to her yesterday after she'd told him about the money. "He didn't cause trouble at the library did he? Didn't..." she hesitated, then took the plunge. "He didn't use his powers on someone again?"

Nathan opened his mouth, then closed it again, sighing. "Not in any really horribly unethical way," he said, sipping at a spoonful of soup. "He did try to use them on me, but only after I locked him in one of the archive rooms." Amanda was giving him a very odd look, and he shrugged, smiling a bit lamely. "Seemed like a good idea at the time? He was being a little shit... pardon me being blunt and all. Must be the fever."

"When did I ever worry 'bout you swearin' in front of me?" she asked, rolling her eyes slightly before turning back to what she was doing so he couldn't see her face. This was getting worrisome - at least Manuel was going to be training with Alison, but in the meantime, he was going to get himself into trouble. Or get someone hurt. "He's havin' a bad week," she said, knowing how lame it sounded. "Sorry he caused you problems."

Nathan froze, the spoon halfway to his mouth. "Amanda," he said slowly. "I... the fever and my telepathy... it's like it got cranked up to ten. I just heard... Manuel's going to be training with Alison? And what... what's the problem with your cut from the job?"

"Bloody buggery fuck," Amanda muttered under her breath. Of course. Telepath. Nathan hadn't been using it so much since the night in Manuel's room, but it didn't mean he was 'deaf', and she was probably projecting again. Taking a few deep breaths she brought Strange's training to bear, closing off her mind as best she could before turning around, leaning back against the kitchenette's bench. "Alison offered t' help Manuel train his empathy - the projection side of it. Under supervision, with the Prof's knowledge," she added hastily. "He's been pushin' t' work on that an' he didn't have anyone t' practice on, so Alison offered."

"She... she what?" Nathan asked raggedly, dropping the spoon. A shudder ran through him and he gripped the edge of the tray with shaking hands as it tried to slide off his lap. "But.. but he's not... he doesn't have any... he just uses it when he feels like it, and she's..."

'Fuck.' Amanda was too far away to physically catch the tray, so she reached out with her magic, ignoring the pounding in her temples - she'd renewed the wards only half an hour ago, and she really didn't have much power left to spare. Carefully she floated it to the coffee table, spilling only a little of the soup. "She's talked t' the Prof, Nate, an' he said it was all right," she said, coming over to the couch. "Fuck, should've kept me fuckin' brain t' meself, yer too sick t' be dealin' with this."
"
Charles said--" Nathan stopped, swallowing, and pressed the heels of his hands to his forehead for a moment. "Fuck... okay, not freaking out on you here. Sorry..."

"Here, let me..." Amanda sat beside him on the couch, raised her hands to his forehead and concentrated. The warm glow of her healing spell erupted from her hands and into Nathan's head, taking away the headache. It was just as well Amanda had buttoned up her mind - the effort left her hands shaking, and she tucked them under her legs when she was done, to hide it. "I talked t' Alison this mornin', she seems all right with the idea. An' she's got someone watching at the same time, t' make sure things go all right."

The headache had died down to a barely perceptible nagging ache, and Nathan caught himself relaxing back against the pillows again, his breathing slowing. "Still," he protested, his voice weak. "He doesn't... you don't let someone learn how to use a gun at their own pace when they don't have the emotional or intellectual maturity to use it properly..."

Well, she wasn't going to tell the sick and stressed man about the Hellfire Club's White Queen putting the pressure on, not after that reaction. She didn't have the power to keep him from throwing another fit. "I don't think the Prof would've given the okay if he didn't think it was all right," she pointed out. "An' better he learn properly, rather than goin' out an' takin' pot shots at random people in the street, eh?"

"He's already doing that," Nathan said miserably, thinking about the harmless men in the library whom Manuel had manipulated for his flirting convenience. "What... what's the problem with the money from Istanbul?"

"You ain't really up for this," Amanda muttered mostly to herself, pulling the blanket a little higher. "Look at the state of you." Then, to him. "He's got his nose out of joint 'cause I don't need him t' take care of me money-wise any more. Not that I was gunna let him any way. I think it's a de la Rocha thing, somethin' 'bout providin' for his woman an' all."

Nathan let his breath out on a sigh, then started to cough. "Oh--for the love of--G-God," he managed, wheezing. "Should tell Dom that.... she'd fly over and beat him."

"It's temptin', believe me," Amanda said, getting up again and quickly pouring hot water over the herbal mix she'd already dumped in a mug. The smell was... interesting, to say the least. Stirring it, she brought it back over to Nathan on the couch, hanging onto it until he'd finished coughing. "Here, this should help. Tastes horrible, tho' - I'll make you some tea after wards t' get rid of the taste."

Nathan sipped at it, grimacing. "Son of a bitch," he muttered hoarsely. "And yeah, dear, I mean your boyfriend... what does he want? You dependent on him?"

"Buggered if I know," Amanda said honestly. "I dunno what's goin' on with him lately, an' somehow I doubt he knows either." She shook her head. "You don't need t' be bothered about it. 'S my mess, I'll sort it out."

Nathan reached out with his free hand and laid it over hers where it rested on the edge of the couch. "You earned that money, you know," he said hoarsely. "Dom was ready to burst, she was that proud of you. You earned it because you used your skills, because you worked with your team... Manuel has no business making it into something about him."

He'd probably feel how much her hands were shaking, but there wasn't anything to be done about that. And Amanda needed the comfort right now. "I thought he'd be pleased for me, y'know?" she said, a little sadly. "Proud that I'd done' somethin' good, that 'm gettin' the hang of me magic again after all the shite of the last few weeks upsettin' everythin'. S'pose it was a bit too much t' ask for."

"It's selfishness, Amanda," Nathan rasped, squeezing her hand tightly. "And this is probably the damned fever talking, because you know I haven't ever given you much in the way of relationship advice... but what the hell can you do about this? It has nothing at all to do with you. It's all about him and his insecurities, and we both know how little he likes to change..."

"I don't know," she admitted reluctantly. "Explain it to him again, I s'pose. Try an' get him t' understand. Pretend it doesn't exist…" She made a face. "'M getting' good at that one." With a small sigh, she shuffled closer to him on the couch and lay her head on his shoulder, flu be damned. "All those movies, the books, they lied. Love doesn't solve anythin'," she said a little sadly. "I thought once it was all out in the open, it'd make a difference, y'know? But it don't."

"You listen to me," he said hoarsely, turning his head a little so that he could look down at her. Okay, so all he saw was the top of her head, but then she shifted around a little to look up at him, and the sadness in her eyes made him want to jump off the couch right then and there and go maim Manuel in any number of infinitely painful ways. "I know--" He stopped to cough, then went on, his voice rasping. "I know you love him. I know he loves you, and I know he's done a lot to help you. But you have to trust your instincts. How did what happened in Istanbul make you feel? And how is his reaction making you feel?"

"Istanbul... It made me feel good. Not just the adrenaline high, but it felt good t' do somethin' like that. T' use me powers an' not worry 'bout hurtin' someone with 'em, t' have gotten around the problems we ran into." A brief smile flickered across her face at the memory, but it was short-lived. "The way he's reactin' t' it all... I was angry, at first. Gave him a bit of a serve in me last email. An' now I just wish for once he could put aside that bloody family pride of his an' be happy for me. Proud of me. Like you an' Dom an' Pete were. Fuck, Beth was over the moon when I told her, not 'cause of the money, but 'cause of how much better I was for doin' it."

"What does it tell you," Nathan said very quietly, "that he can't? Or that he won't..."

"I don't know," Amanda answered, and it was the truth. She really didn't. "Sometimes he can. But it keeps poppin' up again, usually when I don't expect it. Talkin' t' him can be like walkin' on eggshells sometimes."

"I'm angry at him," Nathan muttered, his eyes drifting away from her, unfocusing. "Coming back to LeBeau... that was unavoidable. Manuel shouldn't have made it harder on you because of his damned pride. Undo all the good the trip did in the first place..."

For once Amanda didn't defend Manuel, protest that it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't help it. "'M all right, really," she said. "Not as bad as I was." Another brief grin. "'Leastwise, 'm not throwin' things around the room again."

"Not throwing things is good," Nathan took another tentative sip of the potion. It really did taste foul. "So... how much can I get away with saying since my temperature's... whatever my temperature is..."

"Say whatever you want to," Amanda said steadily, although it hurt that he had to ask. "I can handle yer honest opinion, Nate."

"I'm starting..." He trailed off, sipped at the potion can. "I'm starting to not care," he said heavily. "About Manuel. Starting to see him as a lost cause. You have no idea how much it hurts to admit that..."

Amanda was silent, absorbing this. "An' then what?" she asked, her voice a little flat. "We leave him t' the Hellfire people, let them turn him into that vision of his?"

"You don't think I wonder whether I've just been pushing him towards that?" Nathan asked, his voice dull, no energy behind the words. "Whether all the stuff with the Askani did as much intangible harm as it did tangible good... what me stopping the lessons did..." He trailed off, sighing. "He's got to choose, Amanda. He's got to make all kinds of choices and he won't... ~do you not think that the man in the chair comes from the triumph of pride?~" The slip into Askani was sudden, not entirely of his own volition, and the room seemed oddly lit suddenly. "~Pride and blood, and their victory over love...~"

"~And if love is not enough? What do I do then?~" Amanda asked in the same language, realising there was more than just Nathan now. "~Bright Lady... Mother... help me, please. I'm lost and I don't know where to go, how to help him.~"

Nathan was barely registering Amanda's words. There were a large number of overly bright Askani presences crowding into his awareness, and he didn't resist them. "~Don't be used,~" he heard his voice murmur. "~Do not be his refuge if he uses you only to escape the darkness he chooses for himself.~"

"~But I'm the only refuge he has,~" she replied, unable to look at him - her vision was filled with the bright glare of the Askani's presence in Nathan's aura. This close, it was almost blinding, and she couldn't turn it off, not with so many of them so close. "~If I deny him that, where does he turn? To those who would use him?~"

"~And what do you allow, when you provide him with that refuge and do not hold him to account for the choices he makes when he is not in your arms?~" So many of them talking all at once, in that same eerie composite voice. "~And what damage do you do to yourself? He must not only be a man he can live with, little sister. He must be a man you can live with.~"

"~I don't know what to do, how to reverse what's gone on already...~" Amanda's voice quavered. "~What does someone like me know about love any way? I should never have...~" The words faltered, and she found herself curling up , burying her face on her drawn-up legs. "I shouldn't have started all this in the first place," she admitted in a small, lost voice. "I just wanted... someone... who was mine."

"~There is something you must know. Something we should have ensured that you knew, months ago,~" the Askani said with his voice. "~Man in the chair or no, little sister, you are every bit as important as he is. For yourself. Not for your connection to him.~"

Amanda raised her head, eyes slightly red from the tears she'd let soak into the legs of her jeans. "~I thought... I thought that's all I was to you. A leash on him. And I've failed at that - failed you, failed him.~"

"~We... did not see,~" the Askani said, sounding saddened. "~We were... confused, angry. Afraid. For so long, after the Change. We failed you, leaving you to believe that.~" Nathan watched his hand reached out, cover Amanda's again. "~But in the quiet moments where flashes of the future come to us through Nathan's eyes, we see so many paths for you. Some, you walk with him. Others, you do not. The best of those paths are where you honor your own strength. Where your love is that strength, invested in all those around you, even strangers.~"

"~I try. I really do. But there is so much to carry, and sometimes there is no-one else to help...~" Amanda shook her head. "~What can I know of love? I was taught it was a weakness, a chink in the armour that must be taken advantage of.~"

"~And where did Nathan learn of love, little sister? You've seen his dreams. His past. The man he used to be frightened you, but that is the same man who was bonded with another telepath, who raised a son he loved dearly.~" The Askani very thoughtfully raised the mug with the potion to his lips so that he could take another sip. "~No, little sister,~" they went on immediately. His voice was starting to give out, unfortunately. "~You always knew love. Look at you now. Your walls fall, you reach out to friends and family. You are free to be what you always were, beneath the scars.~"

"~Walls keep things out, as well as lock things in,~" Amanda said with a trace of humour coming back into her voice. "~It's difficult to let them all down and leave yourself defenceless.~"

"~Ah, little sister... but that would be what doors are for,~" the Askani said, and Nathan felt them reach out through his telepathy, touching Amanda's thoughts gently before they withdrew again, fading back into the starry sky at the back of his mind. His vision doubled for a moment, and his hand tightened around the mug as it wobbled. "Well," he said hoarsely, focusing on Amanda with a faint smile. "That was... quite the pep-talk."

"It was." Amanda rubbed her sleeve across her eyes, and took a deep breath. "An' you bein' sick an' all. Finish that up, an' I'll reheat this soup of yers, okay?"

"They have a lot of respect for you, you know," Nathan murmured as he sipped at the potion. Amanda stopped as she leaned over to pick up his soup and looked at him. "And so do I. If you..." He stopped, sighed. "No more unsolicited advice from me about Manny, okay? I know the two of you do have good there. However you decide to handle it, I'll be here. I'll even restrain the urge to castrate him with a rock..." Nathan paused, not quite able to believe he'd said that aloud. "Uhh," he said, sinking down into his too-thin blankets and giving her a meek look. "Not that I was seriously considering it..."

"I should bloody well hope not," Amanda told him mock-severely. "I happen t' like that bit."