Log [Alison & Amanda]

[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

Early Saturday morning, before the blood drive and this log as well. Amanda goes to find Alison and they talk about Manuel, his training, and a few other small things of no great importance. Much. Well, depending on how you look at those things.

And I don't really pay attention to the aristocratic thing. He needs it because it's the one thing he has, yadda yadda. Letting myself be bothered by it is a losing proposition.

Alison was in the music room, trying to not think of the blood drive later in the afternoon and generally not doing anything at all when Amanda tapped on the door. "~Um... sister? I would speak with you, if I may,~" she said, using the formal Askani. It sounded odd, coming from the smallish girl in the Doc Martens and Ramones t-shirt, but the hopeful expression on her face made it clear that whatever she wanted to speak about, she thought it was important enough for formal Askani.

"~So formal!~" was Alison's reply, a bit surprised at Amanda while gesturing in welcome anyway. It was always distinctly odd to hear the girl speak so, but Alison managed to respond appropriately. "~Of course, sister.~" What would have sounded odd in English made perfect sense in Askani, especially when you knew the cultural overtones. "~Open heart, open mind.~"

"~It seemed appropriate,~" Amanda replied with a hint of a grin as she came in. Once there, however, she seemed a little unsure how to proceed. "~I wanted to thank you, for assisting my bond-mate. He has been struggling, and your help, it makes him feel...~" The Askani wasn't conveying it properly, so Amanda switched back to English. "It means a lot," she said, with a little shrug. "I dunno if he explained it to you, but havin' someone help him... well, it's more 'n just havin' someone t' practice with. For a long time 's felt like 's just been me that gave a shit. So thanks. For givin' him a chance. I know it's probably not easy for you t' do."

Alison didn't think Manuel was grateful. Nor did she think she was having that much of an effect yet, beyond Manuel getting something he wanted. My, she was cynical in her old age. "We didn't quite touch that during the bargaining session, no," she said, a touch wryly. "Not easy. No." Her stomach clenched at the thought of how things might go once Lorna found out. She'd not thought of that fully until afterwards. She'd been thinking a lot about it since. "Has to be gone." That - explained as well as possible, really. And then she softened a touch. "I'm glad it makes you happy, though."

"He is. He might not show it, but he is - that whole de la Rocha thing gets in the way sometimes, but I know up here..." And here Amanda tapped her head, indicating the link. "'S important to him, an' it's something I can't help with." There was a certain amount of relief in her face as she went on. "An' 's been just me for so long... I've been worried 'bout him. An' this way he's not gettin' himself into trouble, not like before." She didn't know how to tell Alison exactly how alone she'd felt sometimes, how it felt that Manuel had been left largely to her - Askani's warning about what he might become had frightened her as much as angered her.

"Charles has been seeing him the last while. You knew that, right?" She blinked a bit wonderingly. "And I don't really pay attention to the aristocratic thing. He needs it because it's the one thing he has, yadda yadda. Letting myself be bothered by it is a losing proposition." And she'd met record producers who outdid Manuel in the annoyance factor by spades. "It'll be official and supervised and all, if anyone ever tries to make an issue of it, just so you know. Send them to me if they do."

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, I knew they'd made some sort of arrangement. But..." She paused, not sure how this was going to be taken, saying so to one of the staff. "I know 's none of my business, but when I've asked for help with Manny before, I never even got an answer to me email. After that thing with Jamie's clones... Manny was havin' screaming nightmares for ages, an' no-one came t' check, even after I asked. I know they were busy with Jamie an' all..." She looked unhappy. "He's made mistakes. But so have I. Just as bad, in me own way. But I get help an' he doesn't, 'cause my power ain't as scary as his."

"It's a bit more than just his power and I think you know it, Amanda." Sighing, Alison pulled a chair closer and turned it around, sitting across it while leaning her arms on the back. "It's the way he thinks and the way he treats people. And how he views the world." She shrugged a bit, shaking her head. "Don't think that I'm imagining I can change anything there. I'm not, that's for sure. But I gave him the opening to ask me for help and after that, there was just no way I could back out of it. And I think I can help him with the power training. Not sure he's going to like it, mind you. Well," she tilted her head to the side, considering that again. "Either he'll hate or he'll get scary intense about it. He seems to want it badly."

"He's better than he was. Or he's tryin' t' be," Amanda pointed out. "An' the way he was raised isn't his fault any more than it's mine for the stuff Rack taught me." Then she sighed. "Doesn't matter. Everyone's convinced he's a prick an' I ain't gunna be able t' change their minds. 'S not like
they've ever seen how he can be with me. 'Specially when I was withdrawin' this last time, or after the thing with Remy. An' it doesn't help that he's gettin' pressure from this Hellfire stuff t' get better with his powers. Makes him like he used t' be."

Hellfire and Damnation! The leather and lechers club. She couldn't help it, the thought was so appropriate. "Aaah. That explains why it's all so urgent for him all of a sudden." Alison leaned her chin on her hands, thinking things over slowly. If that meant Emma Frost was in the picture, a happy girl she was not. The woman gave her the creeps. "Doesn't matter what I think of him, anyway. It's about helping him with his powers and I gave him my word I would." She smiled a bit crookedly at the last and determinedly ignored her concerns about the first as best she could. "Been a while since I made a promise to someone." The last time had been in Asgard in fact, and Alison had failed spectacularly at it, too.

Too late Amanda realised that she'd probably said more than she should. Story of her life, telling too much about the things she shouldn't, and keeping quiet the things she should actually tell about. Remy's return was niggling one particular guilty secert, that was for sure. Then she caught the brief sadness on Alison's face and in her aura, and remembered another promise the woman had made. "You'll try yer best," she said, coming closer and taking a seat on the floor, legs crossed Indian-style and elbows on her knees as she propped her chin in her hands. "An' that's good enough for me, even if it ain't for him. It always was, y'know. I never blamed you for what happened in Asgard."

"I know you don't." It would have shown one way or another if she had, Alison knew only too well. Of course, it didn't mean she couldn't blame herself fine on her own. "It just still comes back to haunt me now and then. And I get the feeling that 'good enough' with Manuel will involve standards which will be Byzantine to say the least." She smiled a bit, feeling tired just at the thought of what lay ahead even though she still wasn't backing down in the least.

"You think you said too much, telling me about the Hellfire Club, don't you?" The question was low and contemplative, Alison still leaning on the back of the chair as she gazed at Amanda. "Don't know how to else to say it, but the less surprises I have while trying to help with his training means better odds to things staying steady. We're talking emotions here - it'll be hell enough on its own without adding more unpleasant surprises to everything than there already could be."

"It showed that much, did it?" Amanda asked. She frowned a little as she thought. "'S just... I don't want t' get Manuel into shite, or Ms Frost for that matter. The Hellfire Club... that's all Manny has left of the world he came from, an' it's important to him, but I don't like where it's leadin' him. 'S all about power an' influence, an' he doesn't understand that there's always a price for those kind of things." Without her noticing, Amanda's posture shifted, so she was hunching her shoulders slightly and had her arms wrapped loosely around drawn-up knees. "I dunno, maybe it's just me bein' worried he'll find someone who fits better there an' dump me on me ear."

Alison couldn't care less about any trouble Emma Frost might get into and she felt rather serene about that particular sentiment, very much so. "The Hellfire Club isn't anything I want a part of, but I get that he'd cling to what he knows, that way." Possibly, she thought, to the point where he'd not see the underlying, unspoken price until too late and get blindsided by it as a result. Likely so, even. The Hellfire Club was like that, after all. She sighed a bit as Amanda's body language changed, reflecting her words and emotions. "Wish I could do the whole reassurance thing, but I don't know and I'm not lying to you on it." She offered a crooked grin in apology. "Not much help there, I'm sorry. But if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, ~little sister~, feel free to knock on my door?"

Amanda blinked, and grinned a little. It was refreshing, getting an honest reply instead of platitudes about how things would work out, or uncomfortable silence - not many people were comfortable with Manuel, which meant the avenues for her to talk to someone about the relationship were pretty scattered. "~Thank you, sister,~" she replied, in the less formal Askani this time.

"~Most welcome~," was the simple reply. Alison's lips quirked. "And I have to admit I may hunt you down now and again to get some help in figuring out what the hell Manuel is thinking when he says one thing or another. Talking to him when he asked me to help with the training was like trying to sing an epic at the top of my lungs while balancing on a tightrope. With a bug flying up my nose." She kept a straight face as she continued. "Ow, y'know?"

Amanda giggled slightly at the image. "He was the same with Nate," she confessed. "Hard on the brain." Looking thoughtful, she went on. "I don't always know what he's thinkin', but the link helps a lot - lets me know what he's feelin', at least. An' it seems t' me at the moment that he feels like he's losin' everythin' that makes him him, an' that scares him. 'S why he gave me so much shite 'bout... um, yeah." She stopped herself - advertising that she'd been working with Domino probably wasn't a good idea. "He wants t' have control of his life, but at the moment he's feelin' like there's nothin' he can do t' change things."

Alison mentally ticked off items, ranging from family to money to freedom of movement. "Yeah, there's a lot he has no control over, isn't there?" It wasn't sympathy - more of a plain acknowledgement of the facts. "Wonder how long it'll be until he starts pushing the arrogant bit, just to try and get to me?" She shrugged, not really caring about it for now. And the sooner she knew it was coming the better she could ignore it when it happened, after all. "Well, he's getting to train now. And the terms we both agreed on, so it's not like anything was imposed on him." And if he'd said no to Betsy being the supervisor, Alison would have listened and found another.

"The arrogant thing's a front. He falls back into it when he isn't sure what t' do, or when he's feelin' threatened," Amanda confided. "At least, when he does it with me, that's the case. 's still bloody irritatin'." She was liking the fact Alison wasn't seeing this as a type of mission, just a training opportunity. Lack of distance was what had burned Nathan, she was beginning to realise now. That and the fact he'd felt obligated to help because of her. "'S good, that he's trainin'. 'S one less thing for him t' complain about, any way."

She couldn't quite help a grin at that. "If he doesn't complain, I'm going to start wondering." Alison winked to soften the words, only for Amanda's benefit. The young witch was being helpful, very much so - it would certainly help to know what was gut-reaction and what should be set down as protective reflexes, for later on. Basically, not taking anything personally would be the way to go, she decided. Do the work, stick to your word on the terms you both agreed to, don't back down unless you've a damn good reason for it. The calmer she was, other than during actual emphatic effects, the better things should go. Hopefully. "Charles is handing me a few documents next week. Something of a baseline he said, wouldn't go into details. Otherwise, I'm just going to go with common sense and take it session by session, really. And adapt the game plan as things progress."

"That's the best way t' do things, I think," said Amanda. "An' yeah, he'll probably find somethin' t' bitch about, but the best way t' deal with that is t' ignore it." Possibly not the most charitable thing to say about your linkmate, but Manuel had been getting on her nerves lately. Ever since she'd told him about the money.

The body language was changing and maybe Alison should mention that to Amanda at one point. "He's getting on your nerves about something right now?" She paused and then shook her head, fingers twitching in a 'don't answer that' kind of motion. "You do the hunching shoulders and all thing. And right now you must feel like someone's plastered an iron bar down your spine. Don't have to answer 'less you want to, though."

"An' yer pickin' up the accent," Amanda pointed out. She realised that yes, she was indeed hunching, and consciously relaxed her shoulders. "A bit. Remember how I said he's feelin' like he doesn't have any control over things? Lately 'm included in that - he's feelin' like I don't need him, an' he's bein' a git 'cause of it."

"Yeah, I do that." Alison smiled a bit - she liked Amanda's accent and it was a fun one to pick up while talking to her. She didn't let the accent slip through fully though, no matter how tempting it was to not keep a conscious lookout on herself about it. "Kinda like you're feeling about him an' the Hellfire Club an' that meaning he might find someone better there?" she asked, softly. It wasn't a hurtful comment nor was the intent behind it. Just drawing up mental parallels and giving Amanda the chance to talk about things in general without committing to a full information disclosure, since she was dancing around some things a fair bit.

"Maybe," Amanda admitted. She hadn't realised it could be looked at like that. "But he knows I don't care 'bout whether he can support me or not an' all the rest of it. He's made enough noises 'bout how I don't fit in with Hellfire an' all that, tho'."

"Just because you don't care about him not being able to support you doesn't mean he doesn't anyway. Patriarchal family dynamics do that. You'd know better than I would there, I'd think, but really, most of his mental framework seems to be inflexible that way." She paused. "And nearly every other way too. Still, since he's holding on to what he can and his sense of identity would be composed of that among other things..." Alison shrugged a bit. "I'm just taking a lot of wild guesses on the above. But it might not be about you at all and more about him than anything else. As for the Hellfire Club... honestly, Amanda - would you want to fit in there?"

"Fuck, no!" The response came out stronger than Amanda intended. Softening her tone, she shrugged. "But it's important t' him, an' I can't see how we can..." She swallowed a little. "'M startin' t' think we can't be together if one of us doesn't change on that front." She clamped her mouth shut, knowing she'd said too much - Alison was part of Nate's Clan, yes, and they'd talked before, but here she was voicing thoughts she was only beginning to have, and she felt some degree of disloyalty to Manuel by speaking them aloud.

"There are compromises and then there are principles. You're both still young, Amanda. It's not forever and ever just yet. You can't make decisions like that while you're still learning about everything you can be, y'know?" Of course, the latter tended to last all of one's life, but that was another story. "Just make sure you give yourself a chance in all of this, huh?" She didn't twice about Amanda's words - everyone had doubts, in life. "You'll change - both of you. Whichever way you change is pretty much something only you decide and no one else." Alison paused and wrinkled her nose. "I'm being totally vague and not really helpful here, aren't I?"

"Well, considerin' I don't talk t' anyone 'bout this stuff, yer more helpful than most," Amanda said with a wry grin. "I dunno... it'll sort out, these things usually do." She started climbing to her feet. "I should go - I have a potion mix t' make for Nate's flu."

"You go on," Alison waved her hand at her lightly. "Door's open, always remember that. And take care of yourself, kiddo." She leaned her chin back on the hands as the door closed behind Amanda, wondering once more about just what she'd gotten herself into with all of this.