(no subject)

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

Amanda comes down to heal Doug. Doug is a bit passive-aggressive, but Amanda reminds him that he's not the first one to screw up fairly spectacularly and be lucky to be alive at the end of it. Eventually, Doug gets tired of talking and just asks Amanda to sit with him for a while.



It had probably taken a bit longer that necessary for Amanda to get down the the medlab to start healing Doug, but she figured getting her personal crap out of the way was probably a good priority. It meant she could concentrate better. The fact she was still trying to decide whether to heal Doug or hit him was another matter entirely. Having cleared things with Moira, she knocked gently on the door to his cubicle. "Doug? You awake?"

"Yeah, I'm awake," Doug replied listlessly from the bed, where he was staring at the wall. When you didn't have a TV or your laptop, amusing yourself in the brief bouts of wakefulness between nightmares was problematic at best.

"An' hurtin' like hell, I bet," Amanda said a little wryly. "Remember how bein' shot feels." When he raised his eyebrow at her curiously, she added. "Columbia. Rubber bullets, but hurt like fuck. I've come t' help with that, if you wanted." She was keeping her tone carefully neutral - not too friendly, but not pissed off either. At least, not too much - she still remembered the state Marie-Ange had been in.

Keeping her tone neutral was one thing, keeping her body language neutral was another. Besides which, as Marie-Ange's roommate, Doug suspected that Amanda had taken the brunt of Angie's bad reactions to the shooting and his own idiocy. He fidgeted with his hands. "Don't want to...put you out," he said softly. "I know you're upset, so you don't have to try and hide it. Not like I don't deserve it, anyway..."

"Bollocks t' that," she said, coming in and closing the door behind her. "Doesn't matter what you did and what you do or don't deserve. Yer in pain an' I ain't gunna sit her an' let you wallow in it, least not if I can do somethin' 'bout it."

Doug sighed and shook his head. "Sorry, Amanda, that was passive-aggressive of me. It's just...everyone's come in to tell me just how stupid I was, and I _know_ how stupid it was!" A sob tore through Doug's body, and he clutched at his chest in pain as it pulled at his ribs.

"Shh, easy," she said, coming to his bedside and laying her hand gently on his. "Yer only gunna hurt yerself worse gettin' yerself into a state. Just breathe, all right? I can make it a bit easier, but I need you t' relax. I don't have enough in me t' force a Healin' on someone."

"So sorry," Doug murmured, tears streaming down his face. Half of them were from the pain, and the other half from his roller-coaster emotions. He clutched at Amanda's hand, desperate for physical contact after the loneliness of the Medlab and his nightmares.

"Hey, 's all right, 'm not gunna bite yer head off..." Alarmed a little by his reaction, Amanda found herself patting his shoulder, the same way she would a panicky horse. "You were a dope, but fuck, so have half the people here been, me included."

Doug nodded. "Doesn't excuse it, though. I should have talked to someone. Mostly, I should have talked to Angie. And the longer she stays away, the more I'm worrying."

"You should," Amanda said simply. "Yer've put her in a hell of a state, Doug, make no mistake. But she loves you - wouldn't be as upset as she is otherwise. Hopefully that'll be enough."

"I hope so," said Doug simply. "It's unnerving. And I don't know that I deserve to be forgiven for what I put her through. But I hope she can."

"Yer'd be surprised, what people can forgive," Amanda said, gently moving his hands away from his chest so she had a clear shot at what needed Healing. "Found that out meself the hard way. But the thing is t' be straight with people. No hidin' behind excuses, none of that passive agressive shite. Just be honest with her, an' she'll at least give you a hearin'." Holding her open hands over his chest, she took a couple of breaths to clam her mind. "This won't fix everythin', but it'll ease some of the pain," she said. "'S been a crappy week for the magic with everythin' that's gone on, but I'll do me best."

Doug nodded, then a full shiver went through his body as Amanda's hands made contact with his chest and the healing energies began to knit bones and soothe muscles in his chest. "All...anyone can ask..." he said slightly breathlessly.

"Goes for you too, mate," she murmured, before concentrating again on the spell. It was hard, Healing with her mind in such a mess, but the nap had helped. As did Manuel not being a prick. Eventually, though, she had to stop, and she swayed slightly on her feet as she did.

Doug watched Amanda worriedly. "Sit down?" he asked tiredly. He could tell how much it had taken out of her. It had taken quite a bit out of him, as well. "Just sit and...just sit with me?" he asked tentatively. "It's been kinda lonely in here."

"I remember," she said, gratefully falling into the chair beside his bed. "Fuck, how many times have I ended up in this place? More 'n I can count. An' most of 'em were me own fault." She shook her head wryly, and gave him a considering look. "Did you ever get the full story 'bout Mexico?"

Doug shrugged. "Enough, I suppose. Can't say I was very sad to hear about Rack finally getting his." His mouth worked as though to spit. He'd seen Rack's handiwork on Amanda's body, and it still made him want to go and dig up the bastard to get a few more licks in.

"There's more to it than that. Before I got there - I got given a message, told he was waitin' for me. If I didn't go, he'd go after people at the school. Beth." She shrugged a little. "So I went - I didn't see that I had another choice."

Doug winced. "Sounds a little familiar, yeah." He sighed. "But I had so much time to look at it and think about it, and I still did the stupid thing. Hell, I wrote what basically amount to suicide notes and sent them to everyone." He shivered. "I sent one to _Miles_." Tears leaked out of his closed eyes again.

"An' I sent emails t' people from Mexico, before we went t' Rack's place. Had t' say somethin', in case it didn't work. An' it didn't. The only reason 'm sittin' here is 'cause Ms Frost an' Pete got there in the nick of time." Amanda reached out and took his hand again. "You had t' say somethin', so people'd know. I get that. Should've put a longer delay on 'em, so you had a chance t' warn us tho'."

"I...miscalculated." And that wasn't an understatement at all, Doug mused. "I had Mr. Summers' Kevlar, but didn't realize that even with Kevlar, a bullet cracks your ribs and can knock you out. I figured I'd have plenty of lead time to cancel the send job." He smiled wryly. "One of many mistakes I made."

"Welcome t' the world of fuckin' up," Amanda told him. "I was ready t' kill you when I got that email - well, ressurect you an' then kill you again. Readin' that, you askin' me t' take care of Angie for you..." Her hand tightened on his slightly as she fought to get control of her voice again. "Bloody hell, Doug, 's a lot t' put on someone."

"I know. I know I fucked up..." Doug trailed off. "I just...don't know what to say, how to fix this. Hell, I don't know that it _can_ be fixed." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I just...don't know what to say."

"Some things can't be fixed. That's what people keep tellin' me. The best you can do is be sorry, an' try not t' do it again." Amanda shrugged a little. "It ain't a lot, but it's all I've got."

Doug nodded. "I'm very sorry. If and when Angie comes down, I'm pretty sure there will be groveling involved." He lay back against the pile of pillows that were propping him up. "Do you think...we could not talk about it for a while?" he asked quietly. "'m kinda tired of rehashing it."

"Sure," she said. Then she grinned. "I've got the latest cricket scores, if yer interested."