xp_logs | Madelyn, Kurt - late Wednesday night/ early Thursday morning

Everyone has a breaking strain - in the wake of the these events, Madelyn hits hers. Kurt tries to offer comfort, but sometimes there's no comfort to be had.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by Thy Name...

That the medlab had a morgue attached to it was a little-known fact - even the medlab helpers were largely unaware of its existence, possibly more from willful ignorance than any kind of secrecy. Madelyn couldn't blame them; most of the time she forgot it was here. Now she couldn't put it out of her mind, and she found her steps once more leading her to the small, cold room where the body bags lay, far too large for the bodies within.

On seeing the announcements, Kurt made his way immediately to the medlab area, with some none-too-clear idea in mind of belated prayers for the children killed. Not seeing Madelyn in the main section or in her office, he walked slowly to the small room he had so rarely seen, suspecting that was where he'd find her.

Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Five children. None over fourteen. The youngest had looked barely ten - Madelyn had taken the job of examining them, looking for any kind of identifying features, shielding Moira from the awful task. She touched those cold, still faces, handled limbs that had stiffened and then relaxed again as rigor mortis passed... It wasn't something she'd never done before. In the Bureau, she'd worked in forensics. She'd seen death, in all its forms, senseless and ugly and just plain
wasteful, thought she was inured to it. But these children... She crossed to the nearest table, lay her hand on the stiff black plastic of the body bag, filled with a rage so hot it felt like it would burn everything else away.

She was still there when Kurt walked in quietly, his face stricken at the sight of the small shapes on the tables. He didn't break the silence of the room, instead just moving to her side without a word, mouth already moving in a prayer for the dead.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespass against us...

Children. Being made into weapons. And these were the acceptable losses, the failures... A strangled sob broke from her, and then another. "I'm so sorry, we tried to save you, we really did..." she murmured brokenly, not even realising she was stroking the body bag the same way she used to stroke Carlie's back when she was small and couldn't sleep...

Kurt looked up sharply at the sound of her sobs, and reached out gently to put his hand on her shoulder, offering comfort if she was willing to take it. He was careful to startle her as little as possible, in case she hadn't realized he was there.

She flinched at the touch - she hadn't realised anyone else was there. But of all the people who might come this way, Kurt would have been her first guess. "Kurt, I... I didn't see you there. What..." She took a breath, struggling for composure. "What brings you here?"

"The same thing that has brought you here", he answered with a sad smile. "The children."

"I thought I'd pray, try... But the words wouldn't come." Her hands clenched into fists by her sides. "How can I pray to a God that allowed this... this atrocity to happen? To keep on happening? For God's sake, Kurt, they're children! And they... they..." Her breath hitched as the anger, the loss swept over her again. "How can I believe in the face of something like this?"

He paused for a long moment before he spoke, choosing his words carefully. She had a right to her anger, and he didn't want to make it seem that she didn't, but...

"It is not a question of allowing or not allowing", he said finally, quietly. "We have free will, and that there are those in the world who would do things such as this... is the price that comes with it. I know that may not help... but the children are beyond all harm now."

"They should never have been harmed in the first place!" Madelyn burst out, jerking away from him and pacing as she spoke. "Fuck free will! I'd give it up in a heartbeat if it meant this sort of thing would stop! I don't care if God does have a plan, Kurt, it can't possibly be part of His design that there be people willing to do this to anyone, let alone a child!" She jabbed a finger at one of the body bags. "There's a little girl in there, Kurt. Can't be more than thirteen years old. Little thing, blonde, green eyes... And we don't even know her name. That child could be buried with nothing more than the God-damned number those bastards assigned to her as an identity, and I have to accept that as the price for free will? I won't. I can't."

Kurt flinched slightly, the description of the child resonating uncomfortably with his memories of Gemile - although, he told himself, this girl had to be too young to be his sister. Not that that made it any better - she was someone's daughter, at the very least.

"I do not know what I or anyone can say or do to make this right, Madelyn", he admitted helplessly. "I do not think there is anything that can be done now, still less said."

"And that's why I'm so angry, Kurt! I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to fix things! Help people..." She looked around wildly at him. "I swore an oath to first do no harm, and all I want to do is get my hands on the people who did this and rip them to shreds!" She slammed her fist into the metal door of one of the refrigerators. "I want to punish them for what they've done, a hundred times over, only I can't think like that because I'm supposed to forgive." Another punch, bouncing off the stainless steel. "That _God_ is supposed to forgive them!" She was openly sobbing now, tears streaming down her face.

He looked at her unhappily, with no idea what to say to comfort her, or if anything was even possible, as she'd said. His first instinct when she hit the refrigerator had been to restrain her before she broke her hand, but clearly she needed to hit something...

"That... would be the ideal reaction", he acknowledged quietly. "But not necessarily the human one."

"And that's what I am. Human. _Just_ human. And so I have to watch things like this happen, and try and pick up the pieces, and wait for the next blow to fall... And in the meantime shit like this keeps happening!" Madelyn turned on him, eyes wild. "Why, Kurt? Why does God let this happen to innocents?"

He bowed his head and gave the only answer he could, insufficient though he knew it was. "I do not know."

"That's not enough!" Blindly Madelyn flung herself at him, beating his chest with her clenched fists. "It's never enough! We fight and we try and this shit keeps happening!" Gripped by anger, frustration, helpless fury, Madelyn didn't even register that she was hitting Kurt. "I'm tired of driving myself into the ground, only to have someone grind me down further. I'm tired of sitting up all night watching over kids who've been hurt just because of what they are. Of seeing those same kids risk their lives because they're learning that's what you have to do! Doug was dead, and I nearly couldn't bring him back! And these kids... I don't even know their names and I failed them, I promised we'd get them out, and those bastards..." With an inarticulate cry of rage she punched forward harder, putting her body behind the blow, blind to everything except the need to get the anger out, before it destroyed her.

Kurt let her land the one hard hit, for no better reason than because she needed it, and it was the only thing he could do to help her in that moment. If she aimed another one, he would move, but it was possible one would have been enough...

One wasn't enough. A thousand wouldn't be enough. Beyond rational thought, beyond comfort, Madelyn swung again, and would keep swinging until she dropped from exhaustion. Her second punch was high, a wild haymaker that wouldn't hurt any the less for its clumsiness.

It never connected. Realizing that if she hadn't stopped after one, she wouldn't stop unless she was restrained, Kurt vanished from the path of the blow and reappeared behind her. He wrapped his arms around her from behind, in a way intended both to soothe and to pin her own arms.

Madelyn struggled instinctively against the restraint, but Kurt's grip was strong, and she'd been pushing herself too hard for far too long. Going limp so abruptly she dragged Kurt down onto the floor with her, she half-knelt, half-sprawled on the cold morgue floor, great, anguished sobs racking her frame. "I'm so sorry, so very sorry..." she gasped between sobs, but it was unclear if she was talking to Kurt, or to the children. Or even to God.

Kurt relaxed his grip a little, but still held her - more to comfort than to restrain now, as she cried. He didn't try to get up, unwilling to until she was ready. He said nothing, fingers running over her arm in a wordless attempt at more reassurance, as he gazed at nothing with bleak eyes.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.