Log [Alison, Lorna] - Some things can't be taken back...

[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

Lorna finds out about Alison's lessons with Manuel.  Alison tries to explain but Lorna is having none of it.

So with sadness in my heart // I feel the best thing I could do // Is end it all, and leave forever.

The suite door opened and shut and Alison's cheerful hello sounded through the silent rooms.  Lorna didn't respond and soon she heard Alison's door open, shut then, after a long moment open again.  Still she didn't move from her position at the kitchenette's tiny table. The coffee mug in front of her was full, stone cold and untouched. She'd been staring at its glassy black surface for hours.  She didn't turn when she heard Alison's step behind her though she could see the Post-It she'd left on Alison's day planner in the reflection of the liquid.  They often scribbled each other just such notes, pencilling in various appointments, suggestions and shopping trips.  This one had been simple.  We need to talk.  L  She'd been waiting ever since writing it.

Alison reached out to press the post-it gently on the table next to the coffee mug, fingertips lingering on it for a moment before she straightened up again, half afraid she knew exactly what this was about. She hadn't had anything to hide in her planner, which had been resting open on her desk, as usual. But one of the day's appointments had likely stood out over everything else there to her room mate. Knowing this would have to happen sooner or later didn't make the actual moment itself easier and she found herself at a loss for words, instead waiting for Lorna to speak first.

Releasing the mug, she moved on hand to the post-it and covered it with her palm, nails scraping lightly over the wood table. "Why?" Lorna said quietly after the silence had stretched on for another long minute.  She turned her head slightly so she could see Alison out of the corner of her eye. Sometime ago Lorna had settled into a cold, blank mood, numbed by waiting and her attempts to summon up a good explanation on her own. Thus far she'd failed.  She was hoping that Alison would do a better job.  She wasn't expecting it.

No doubt about it. This was about Manuel, and the training sessions she was having with him. Taking a slow, deep breath Alison slid into the chair facing Lorna and rested her hands on the small table, lacing her fingers together with a seemingly calm expression. And lost the thread of what she'd wanted to say at the look on Lorna's face. "I-" she shook her head, hating that she was so suddenly at a loss for words, desperately trying to catch up instead. "It has to be done. And he asked me." Nothing she could say would be acceptable, she knew suddenly. She stayed seated anyway, back straight, bracing herself for the inevitable.

Lorna's blank expression wavered for a moment, suddenly anguished.  She turned her face into her shoulder while she struggled and didn't look up again for a long time.  "How can you help him?" she asked, her voice barely audible in an attempt to hide her distress.

So this was what the scum of the earth felt like. Huh. It wasn't much fun at all feeling like that, nope. The knuckles of her hands whitened for a moment before she forced herself to relax, reminding herself that, well - whatever Lorna had to dish out on this one, she pretty much had to take it. "Someone has to." It was about as lame a reason she could start with - at least where Lorna was concerned. "And this way is structured at least. Safe." Meaning he wasn't going to practice willy-nilly on anyone in sight. Hopefully. Gah, she should make that a term.

"The last thing he needs is to get better at..." She stopped and shook her head, "Ali, how can you do this?" She didn't say "to me" but it still came across loud and clear.  Tears were starting to trace their way down her cheeks.  She didn't wipe them away.

She really would have preferred something metallic and sharp wedged between her shoulder blades. Preferably deep enough to numb everything else nicely. Alison wanted to reach over and wipe away the tears and promise Lorna that it would be all right, but touching her roomie right now was the last thing she should do. And explaining that Manuel had asked and she'd felt bound to commit to it since she'd given him the opening to do so - was something she was trying to avoid. For now. "I have to, Lorna. Someone has to do this." She took a low breath, seeking to remain calm. "Or else he'll just keep doing what he's been doing until now and keep hurting people." As he had Lorna. Which Alison hadn't even known about until far too late.

"He won't stop, Alison!  He'll just get better at hiding it!  You're telling me it's a good thing for him to learn to be so subtle no one can tell the difference?" Lorna's hands were gripped into fists and she was perilously close to panicking.  She closed her eyes and fought for control.  Fear was twisting her stomach and what little coffee she had managed to drink burned like acid. She felt sick and hurt, bleeding again from a wound that never had a chance to heal. "He is dangerous enough as is.  Don't help him."

"The Professor is seeing him as well. Ethics is being covered by him, not me. I-" Alison shook her head, hands opening for a moment in a helpless gesture before she pressed them flat against the table. "We can't just ignore him and hope he learns on his own without hurting anyone." Again. The whole part about teaching Manuel ethics or compassion was emphatically not up to Alison - which made this all the harder, she knew. She was in fact simply helping him refine his power. And nothing more.

"He needs Ethics.  He doesn't need you." Lorna turned her right hand palm up.  The burn scars there were different than the heavier knotted ones from the plasma burns.  Slick and white, they cut a straight line across the lowest part of her hand and didn't impair her movement.  They'd healed well, considering.  Lorna considered them the least of the injuries done that night. "Trust me, he's plenty good enough without your help." She said it like an accusation then flinched, "Mother of God, Alison, you can't let him do this to you!"

The scars were a stark reminder - and yet she still couldn't back down. It was just too late to do so. There was a dimension to this Lorna wasn't seeing, couldn't see - the insight Alison was gaining into Manuel's psyche. The knowledge the both of them would discover, about themselves - the sharing of which went both ways. And the unique experience Alison would acquire with each passing session. And the fact that she had said she would do this.

And there wasn't a chance in hell she was going to say any of that to Lorna.

"He needs Ethics, yes. And there needs to be someone involved in the training who isn't without defenses - if it's not staff, it'll be other students, Lorna. You know how the kids can be if they get a bug in their heads about something." She kept her voice steady and  calm, hands still pressing down on the table. "The sessions are supervised. I'm never alone with him."

"What about all the people who are after you've helped him become really expert at this?  Who will watch out for them?"  Lorna clenched her fists again and hugged herself around the waist.  She wished she could be angry but though betrayal clotted thickly in her throat and fear trembled in her limbs, she couldn't summon any rage.  Panic was too over-powering.  "They should have never taken that inhibitor off him."

There was, Alison knew, a responsibility in what she was doing – one she never hoped she'd have to assume to the fullest. But that particular possibility rested in Charles' hands and not her own and she wasn't going to think about it unless it became inevitable.

"This is a school, Lorna. He has to learn, one way or another. On every level. The idea is that he won't," do what he did to you, "abuse his power once this is done - this is why Charles is working with him. I'm not doing that. I'm just there to complement things." She would, she knew, try to last this out until Lorna either understood somehow or did... something else. And she knew just as well that the odds or Lorna understanding were next to none and getting lower at that. There was a distant curl of panic in the back of her mind at how this talk was very likely to turn out, but she shoved it away for now, somehow.

"No, not this he doesn't.  You don't try to train a rabid dog; you just get rid of it." In some distant rational part of her mind, Lorna knew that she was over-reacting, relentless logic told her that Alison was making sense.  It was the same part of her brain that always pointed out that she had pushed Manuel in the first place, that it was her attitude that had instigated his reaction.  Lorna believed in logic and usually bowed to it over emotion.  But this time, the voice of logic was too faint and the power of memory too strong.  "The Professor can talk all he wants.  But don't teach him to become better at..." she stopped, stumbling over the term that had presented itself.  She whimpered and pressed a fist to her mouth.  She had no right to call it rape.  She gave in to the scolding of her rational mind and swallowed the word down.  She felt nauseous.

It was so. Very. Hard to just sit there and not reach out. To no offer comfort. To not offer to hold, if only for a moment, as she'd done countless times before for Lorna, and she for Alison. "He will learn to become better. One way or another. This way is the safest, for all concerned." It left her drained and tired, but no where nearly as badly off as Nathan had said it would. "I can't stop this, Lorna." Her control slipped, worry and fear of alienating her best friend showing through. "I gave him my word." That - would not be taken well. Would not. But she couldn't lie to Lorna.

Lorna stared at Alison, horrified.  "You gave him...I can't believe you." She stood abruptly, almost knocking the chair over in her haste.  "He isn't ignorant, Alison.  Everyone thinks that he was just trying to help and was clumsy about it but damn it, I was there!" She backed up from the table, unaware that she'd begun shouting.  "He enjoyed it.  Every last second.  That's not misguided good will, it's just..." There was that word again.  She changed it to an inarticulate scream and turned her back on Alison, fighting down a surge of nausea.  She covered her mouth and fought the gag reflex even while she tasted bile in the back of her throat.

There was nothing she could do to make this right. Nothing. Fighting down a whimper Alison closed her eyes for a moment, forcibly keeping herself from getting up. Touching Lorna right now would be Bad. Very Bad. She knew all the signs and those had been bleeping at her in glaring neon lights since the start of the conversation. Alex. She would have to send Alex to Lorna, as soon as this was over. Find him and send him off, immediately. Then she could go off to hide on her own, somewhere. "If he doesn't learn there are other alternative, he won't ever change. He'll do it to others, again. It has to stop somehow, but it won't happen at once." I'm sorry is what she really wanted to say, only she couldn't back down on this. And she very much hated herself for it.

Lorna's entire body was shaking with sobs and the effort not to vomit.  "I won't stay here if you are helping him.  I can't do it." She ground it out past clenched teeth, sounding just as angry and sick and hurt as she really was.

Alison closed her eyes, paling at the words. She looked down at the table, eyes burning with tears, biting her hard. "I understand." It wouldn't be fair to ask for her to not do this - Alison was the one who had precipitated this, regardless of anything else. "I wish you wouldn't, but I understand," she spoke bleakly, unable to not say it, voice cracking a bit over the last word.

Lorna nodded once then ran for the bathroom.  The door slammed shut and the hinges fused behind her even as she fell to her knees in front of the toilet and gave up.  Though there was nothing in her stomach to throw up she continued heaving until she could no longer move, her back and stomach screaming in agony.