Remy, Amanda - Wednesday evening

[xp_daytripper]

It's certainly a social day for Remy... In the spirit of tying loose ends, Amanda comes to talk to him about You-Know-What. It's actually productive, even though neither backs down a whole lot.



Irony seemed to be dogging Amanda's heels this week. She rolled her eyes slightly as her location spell led her to the tall, lanky figure leaning on the dock railing, smoking. Up until that figure's return, that had been her particular brooding spot. Her boots echoed on the wood as she approached, but even if they hadn't, she knew he would have heard her coming. "I was wonderin' if you had a minute," she said quietly.

There was no reply, only the occasional flare of the ember at the end of the cigarette as he inhaled. Slowly, deliberately, he plucked the cigarette from his mouth. A faint purple aura surrounded at as he looked at it, and was gone as he flicked it into the water.

"'manda." Remy said finally, pulling another cigarette from the pack and lighting it, still staring out over the water.

"That'd be me," she agreed, voice still calm. "But you didn't answer me question. If this is a bad time, I can go."

"Is dere a good time for dis?" Remy said, through a plume of smoke. Like it or not, he had a point. "Remy not have anything planned for de next while, if dat's what you're asking."

"Probably not," Amanda agreed. She leaned back against the railing opposite him, giving the both space, not caring whether he looked at her or not. "I wanted t' say I was sorry. For what happened in yer room."

"Not your fault, 'manda." Remy said, still looking over the water, his voice deceptively calm. "Fact, if anyone's at fault, it's me."

"Half an' half?" she suggested. "I wound you up, an' you had no idea I'd react like that. I didn't either. You scared the fuck out of me, yeah, but it didn't justify me blowin' you across the room." She pulled her cigarettes out of her jacket pocket, lit one with the fire spell. "An' Cain was sayin' the other day, 'bout how it was hypocritical that you had t' stay out here. I just wanted t' tell you, if it was me you were worried about, you don't have t' be."

"Non, it not you. It's better for dem all if I'm out here. After all," He paused to take a deep drag from the cigarette. "None of de other residents came here wit' de specific intention of killing everyone in de place. Supposed dat might make a few nervous."

"Probably." Amanda took a drag on her cigarette, peering intently at the man's back as she exhaled. "But that ain't you any more," she went on. "That man's gone. Can see it in yer aura."

"Oui, de man is. But not de memories. Too much of him is left up dere for Remy's liking. Times when we blurred; dat's dere forever." Remy said, leaning casually. The last few weeks of proper food and exercise was already paying off, and the sharp lines of his figure was already smoothing out as he added muscle.

"Maybe not such a bad thing. At least yer've got somethin' t' remind you t' keep t' the right path," she said, perhaps a little bluntly. But Remy wasn't her friend, not any more, and she remembered enough of their talks to know he wouldn't spare her feelings either. "That night... you reminded me of Rack. Brought everythin' back out, in me head. That's dealt with now - bastard's doubly dead. But I still remember everything."

"Dat's true." Remy said. "And dat's what I need to apologize for, 'manda. Remy gave Gambit de chance to get out; t' use dose feelings to almost get free. What you saw was who I was, and dere were just enough cracks because of my own actions to let him almost twist free."

"I..." She hesitated, then made herself go on. "I'm sorry. For bein' there. For pushin' you t' that point." He still hadn't turned to look at her, and she couldn't read his aura well enough to pick up his overall emotional state - it was too muddled, too chaotic. The memories in his head, she supposed. She took a breath. "For what happened with Lorna."

"Dat right?" Remy said, his body language still so casual and relaxed. "See, 'manda, in de medlab, in de bedroom, Remy called you a whore, an addict. Said you had your price and it was paid. And dat was wrong. De question is, do you know why?"

"Why it was wrong or why you said it?" she asked. "'Cause you were partly right. Hell, totally right, if you want t' get down t' it. I've been a whore, an' I am a junkie. I've got the problem under control, but in the end, that's what I'll be as long as I need the magic the way I do."

"'manda, you not a whore cause you got a taste of power and got addicted to it." Remy finally turned to regard her, those surprisingly old eyes looking out from his youthful face. "Remy was wrong because he said those things to hurt you. Hurt you so dat you would feel bad for betraying me. But you never betrayed me. Dat was arrogance and wounded pride and just plan anger dat said dat you betrayed me, and it was wrong."

Amanda looked back at that too-old gaze for as long as she could, but then dropped her eyes to her feet, where her boots were becoming very interesting. "I don't understand," she admitted at last. "How anythin' I could have done could have hurt you so much t' do that. That you'd feel I betrayed you."

"You betrayed Lorna." Remy said quietly, the silence becoming deep and still between them. It was a long moment before he spoke again. "Remy never thought himself much of a person, even before dese memories. Been used, been discarded. Something you know about." He said, his cigarette burning down to the filter unnoticed. "Lorna treated me like a person, maybe even like someone dat wasn't just a thief or a whore or something worse. And de person dat should understand de importance of dat, goes and acts like de people she's tried to leave behind. Makes Lorna... disposable." Remy pitched the butt into the water. "And Remy acted like it was all about him. Dat's what I owe you an apology for, 'manda."

Guilt and anger warred within Amanda. Yes, she'd pretty much given up Lorna in favour of Manuel, for the way he could stop the worst of the addiction, but Lorna had told her to kill herself, had treated her like she was less than nothing. Like she was disposable, to borrow Remy's turn of phrase. "I talked t' her," she said at last. "After the medlab. She pretty much told me t' keep me mouth shut. Not that that should've stopped me. An' by the time I had me head back on straight enough t' realise... well, it was months later. Things had changed."

"Dey always do." Remy said, settling his elbows back on the railing. "She's still scared of him, 'manda. Deep fear. De kind dat lives with you forever. She came to see me afterwards too. Begged me not to tell. Made me swear not to go after Manuel." He paused again. "So scared, and dere was nothing I could do. Afraid dat one day he'd come back for her. Maybe take de next step. And when you went back to him without a single word about it to him, you told him that it was alright for him to do it again."

"I was off me bloody head!" Amanda retorted angrily. "They bloody well cut me off without sayin' a fuckin' word, without tryin' t' help me at all, when they _knew_ I was feedin' off bleedin' Marko, an' you expect me t' be fuckin' logical?! Yes, it was a fuckin' shitty thing t' do, but so was tellin' Angelo he was nothin' but a whore, an' offerin' Moira a drink when I know she can't, an' givin' some sleezeball sales bloke a blowjob t' get into town so I could get me next fuckin' fix!" She glared at him. "She told me t' kill meself, you know. Yer precious victim. Yanked me around by the piercin's an' told me I might as well do it, when I was already off me head. An' that's what I nearly did. Took meself up t' the roof an' was all ready t' go flyin' without the spotter." Turning away from him, she fixed her eyes on the lake, on the lights reflected there.

"So, cause de world shit on you means dat you don't have to follow de rules?" Remy said, his voice steady. "'manda, I got a past like a horror movie in my head, and de parts dat aren't serial killer are abused child. Dat mean dat Gambit was justified to do what he wanted? You smarter then that and you know it." His voice suddenly hardened. "Your monster scarred you and nearly killed you. Lorna's walks by her everyday. So tell me again your justifications."

"You tell me yers. Tell me why it is you came back here when that monster in yer head helped kill Sarah's fucking family. Or are you the only one that gets t' redeem 'emselves?" Amanda shot him a glance over her shoulder. "What Manny did was wrong, an' I've told him that. More 'n once."

"And has it stopped him?" Remy said. "He's done it again, hasn't it? Used his powers to twist someone up and make it easier for himself? You tell me I'm wrong 'bout dat and Remy never bother you about it again."

"He's learnin'. We all are." Amanda turned away again to look at the water. "Yeah, he's still usin' his powers t' get his own way sometimes. But he's used them t' help people as well - the other night, in the club. Half the people there wouldn't have gotten out if he hadn't used his powers t' make 'em walk out. But that don't count, does it? It never fuckin' well counts, 'cause he's the only one in this fuckin' place that doesn't get t' redeem himself. Christ, Nate nearly killed the Professor an' Pete, an' no-one blinks a fuckin' eye. Not t' mention you. Not everyone's lucky enough t' have a switch in their head they can turn off an' make everything in their past not their bloody fault."

"Is he even trying to redeem himself, 'manda? Can't tell you about de rest, but Remy going to be paying for his past for de rest of his life. Is he making dat effort, or has he just not been caught recently?" Remy finally straightened from de railing, turned and leaned against it, his arms crossed. "Enough of de practiced speeches, femme, for both of us. You smart enough to understand what's going on. You in love with him, fine. But do you have an honest answer to dis question or you trying to run from it yourself. Is Manuel trying to be a better person, or just get better at being who he's been?"

"It's more than just bein' in love with him," she said, taking a breath to calm herself again. She noted the neglected cigarette in her hand and took another drag. "We're linked. Mostly emotions, but sometimes the odd thought as well. An' he is tryin'. I know that as well as I know me own name." Looking over at Remy, meeting his eyes steadily, she went on. "He's scared. Scared that changin'll mean he loses everythin' he is. 'S why he sticks t' the Hellfire Club so hard. I don't know if he'll ever stop bein' scared, but the day he stops tryin' is the day I leave. An' I don't care if you believe that or not, it's the truth."

"And what about his victims?" Remy said, and Amanda's eyes widened slightly. 'Victims' was a word that rarely came up so bluntly. "What's he doing for them? What are you doing? You see, 'manda. I was a monster. Dat's why I'm here. Because dere is no way I can ever forget what ever happened to the people that Gambit found. I can never walk away from this because it's hard, or it's painful, or I have to live wit' the constant reminants of de people who's lives I've destroyed. You want to know why Manuel doesn't get redemption? Because other than your assurance, you haven't told me a thing about what he's tried to do to make up for it."

"An' what're you doin' besides skulking out here? I don't see you doin' anythin' for Sarah. Or for me - it was me that came t' see you, remember? An' before you say somethin' 'bout how I've got t' make the first move, apply it t' Manny an' Lorna. He's apologised, publically, tried t' set things straight, an' she won't have a bar of it. So where does that leave him?" She stubbed her cigarette out on the railing, stuffed the butt in her pocket. "Makin' the big heroic gestures? He saved fuck knows how many lives in the club on Sunday night. He told the teachers 'bout Shiro tryin' t' blow himself up. Fuck, he went into the warehouse with the rest of us when Jamie's clones had the kids, an' he didn't even have his fuckin' powers. He's trainin' with the Professor an' Alison. He'd do more, but every time he tries? Someone throws back in his face what an arsehole he is. Never mind he nearly got himself fuckin' killed defendin' me from that demon on Sunday."

"'manda, you never had to make a move at all. Remy hurt you because you made a bad decision. Gambit tried to hurt you because you mattered to me. You've got de fact dat it's not your fault. Remy got a burn scar. Guess dat makes us even on dat score. As for Sarah, she got de thing she's wanted ever since de day after her family died. And dat's her business to say. " Remy scrubbed his hands through his hair, suddenly immensely tired. "And everything dat Manuel is doing for de right reasons doesn't wipe away all de things he did for de wrong ones. 'manda, he emotionally crippled Lorna. Why do you think she didn't take his apology? Would you have taken one from Rack? Because de only fear I've seen close to her's came from you."

"What do you want me t' do? Dump him? Tell him none of it matters, that there's no point him tryin' t' change 'cause he's always gunna be a monster t' Lorna? Rack took me an' tortured me an' made me do what he wanted an' then carved a fuckin' bindin' spell into my skin so I couldn't leave him. On purpose an' enjoyed every fuckin' minute of it. Manuel hurt Lorna once, because he was confused and angry an' she was teasin' him an' he didn't understand. It's nothin' like the same thing." Amanda pushed herself away from the railing, shoved her hands in her pockets. "I dealt with my monster. Summoned him up from hell, did the unbindin' spell, got me fuckin' head back. Hardest fuckin' thing I've ever done. But it needed doin', otherwise I'd be his bloody thrall for the rest of me life. Maybe it's time Lorna tried dealin' with hers, instead of hidin'. She's the one keepin' the whole thing secret, not me. An' whenever you want t' come up with somethin' productive, instead of tellin' me I have t' leave the person I love t' turn into the thing I hate more than anythin', come by an' we'll talk."

"He was confused and angry and once was enough to nearly destroy someone's life. Has he learned dat lesson yet?" Remy said, and shook his head. "And you're wrong about one thing. I never asked you to leave him. I want you to hold him accountable. Because dere aren't going to be any more mistakes with Manuel. He's training, learning. De next time he does it, it's because he wants to, or he enjoys it. And dat day you're going to have to make a choice, 'manda, whether you're going to trade the thrall of one master for 'nother, or whether you can do what's right."

"An' what makes you think I won't do that?" Amanda paused in the act of leaving. "You think you know me, but you don't, Remy. Comin' from the same place an' fuckin' a few times don't mean yer've got any great insight into what goes on in me head. I've made mistakes, fuck loads of 'em. Not tellin' anyone 'bout what happened t' Lorna at the time is one of them. Not tellin' Manuel it was wrong back then was another. But it don't mean I can't learn, and it don't mean neither can he. An' it don't mean I can't do what's right." She shook her head at him, sadly. "'M sorry if that ain't good enough for you or her, but that's the best I can give you. I won't give him up, an' I won't let him fall, neither. Not while I'm the only bloody person he's got t' lean on."

"You better hope dat you strong enough, femme. And dat he is too." Remy actually smiled, and spread his hands. "Because as you may have noticed, redemption is a lonely path. And none of us, him or me, got any second chances left." He nodded and turned back to his perch by the water, lighting a cigarette and returning to the exact place that she'd found him.

Comments

[x-gambit.livejournal.com]

It's certainly a social day for Remy

No point hanging out on the dock looking all cool and broody if impressionable young women don't come down to say 'gosh'.