xp_logs | Nathan and Moira, Thursday night

Moira doesn't find out about what happened between Nathan and Charles until after she gets back from the med staff's dinner. Moira is not at all happy about this, and she and Nathan have perhaps their first real fight since his arrival at the mansion.

Moira sighed happily as she shut the door behind her, feeling full and relaxed for the first time in, well, forever it seemed. The night out with the crew had just been what the doctor ordered, it seemed and everyone had fared better for it. Full of steak and warm, virgin cidar, she was now set on finding Nathan and snuggling for a long time. Maybe put something in the DVD player and watch a movie. Hadn't done that in a while.

"Nathan?"

It was a very good thing she hadn't come back ten minutes earlier, Nathan thought, splashing some water on his face in the bathroom before coming out. Otherwise she would have caught him throwing up, again, and that would have been bad.

"Hey," he said quietly, coming out of the bedroom and into the suite's main room. "How was dinner?" She looked relaxed. Happy. That was good.

"'Twas verra good." She stopped as she tossed her light coat onto a chair and looked at him. "Ye okay? Ye look 'orrible." That was an understatement, really. He looked like he had seen a ghost. Or several.

He forced a smile. "The week's... catching up with me finally, I guess," he said as evenly as he could. "Did the girls enjoy themselves?"

"Aye, they did. We all did." Moira squinted at him and then proded the link. Locked up tighter than the Crown Jewels and she scowled. He was hiding something from her. "Wha' 'appened?" she asked, walking closer, slowly. Stalking, almost, really.

Well, he supposed that answered the question of just how effectively Charles had managed to shield their session today. He hadn't thought she would let him get away with having cancelled his classes without explanation, but his 'I needed the break' down the link had apparently sufficed, because she'd gone right on with her work and then out to dinner without coming running up to check on him. Which had been precisely what he wanted. She and Maddie and the girls had all needed the time out. He hadn't been about to get in the way of that.

"Rough session with Charles this morning," he told her quietly, going over and sitting down on the couch. "Hence why I needed the break."

"'ow rough?" She seated herself near him and pillowed her head on her arm.

"Rough enough that he shielded you from it, hence why you didn't sense anything," Nathan said. His eyes drifted wearily across the room, lingering on Bella's cage. The bird was sleeping, quite peacefully.

Moira frowned, again. "I figured tha', Nathan. But ye dinnae bother tellin' me anythin' was wron' when ye cancelled yer classes, only tha' ye needed a break. If Charles was involved an' it was rough, somethin' 'ad ta 'ave 'appened."

Something had to have happened. He looked sideways at her, realizing that he was probably going to get his ears boxed for not having told her this as soon as Charles let him wake up again. Ah, well. He still didn't regret making sure she'd go out for dinner.

He waved a hand in the general direction of his own head. "It wasn't all gone," he muttered.

There was a long pause as she digested those four little words. "Excuse me?" Moira whispered, back going ridged. Oh, she knew exactly what he meant but she needed to hear him _say_ it. Her eyes flashed dangerously. It had happened earlier and he hadn't said a word.

Not one damned word.

"It wasn't all gone. Things... triggers, something still in my head that the Trojan Horse program didn't take out." Nathan shrugged almost apathetically. "I don't know why. Doesn't make any sense. Maybe they got wires crossed back in May, or Kritzer wasn't as good as she thought."

Without realizing it, she was on her feet, hands clenched at her sides. He hadn't told her. Not one word, one peep, one thought down the link. He had covered it up and if she hadn't pressed...her lips flattened out into a straight line. "Or maybe it was left there on purpose?" she grated, thinking through the possibilities, through the anger that was building.

"Possibly. MacInnis, calling me son..." He flinched, even though it didn't provoke the same dizzying rush of panic and anger that it had before. "Part of it was keyed to that. I don't know when they would have done that. May, probably."

"More likely than probably, Nathan. 'e's been playin' ye since 'e got 'is claws inta ye in May! 'e dinnae wanted ye killed because yer bloody useful ta 'im!" Another rush of anger hit her and finally she snapped. "'ow could ye nay 'ave TOLD me?! Wha', were ye jus' waitin' until th' right time or until I pressed ye like I did?"

He blinked at her. "I wanted you to be able to go out to dinner with Maddie and the girls," he said tiredly. "I didn't want to sideswipe you with yet another crisis."

"Damn it, Nathan!" She glared, furious at him. "Tha' was my bloody decision ta make, nay yers! This 'appened, when? This mornin'? For Gods sakes, man, I could 'ave 'andled this, made sure ye were fine an' THEN gone ta dinner! But...goddamn it!"

"I am fine," he persisted with a small, feeble flare of stubbornness. "Charles put me to sleep while he took it out."

"So tha' makes tellin' me a 'alf lie completely fine. 'Twas takin' care o'?"

"Maybe I didn't want to talk about it. I don't know," Nathan said dully, looking away from her. "I yelled at Alison last night and told her she was being paranoid, and then she sicced Charles on me."

"Good, I'm glad she did. Ye could 'ave _said_ somethin', Nathan! Other than...liein'! Ye lied ta me! When I asked ye wha' was wron', ye gave me...I dinnae know! A 'alf-trut'!" She was truely, utterly furious. Joe did that sort of thing to her. Nathan didn't. Or least, he hadn't before this. Somewhere beneath the anger lay the hurt. That he hadn't turned to her or even told her.

It was beginning to dawn on Nathan that he had really screwed up here. Strangely enough, the urge to confess that and ask her to forgive him just wasn't there, and that was probably a bad thing. Actually, definitely a bad thing.

"I thought she was being paranoid," he muttered, not looking at Moira. "And then I didn't want to think about it, after Charles. It was supposed to have been over. Not come back like this..."

"I know tha'. Th' triggers were supposed ta 'ave been completely wiped out wit' tha' last big one." Her words were tense and her accent grew deeper as the anger grew stronger. He was ignorning why she was angery, she thought, possibly a little irritionally but still, the thought was there. "But why 'ide it? From me, Nathan? Why now?"

"Because I was ashamed?" he asked, his voice still flat. He supposed that was it, in the end.

"Why?" Moira threw her hands up in the air. "Because tha' bastard managed ta get ta ye? Because o' thin's tha' were out o' yer control? Tha's nay reason ta 'ide it or ta lie ta me! Do ye think me incapable o' dealin' wit' this stuff?"

"Because it was out of my control," Nathan said, an edge entering his voice since the beginning of the conversation. "Because I've been deluding myself for the last two and a half months that I was back in control, because I tore strips off Alison for suggesting I wasn't, and then it turned out she was right."

Good, he was fighting back. Somewhat. She needed that because it was like talking to an overly attractive tree stump otherwise. "Jesus Christ, Nathan, yer allowed ta be wron'! Yer allowed ta make mistakes! An' ye wouldnae 'ave any idea 'bout this! 'ow could ye!" She was too angry to back down, too hurt to do anything but respond without calming down first.

Her thoughts were beginning to stab at the block on the link like hot little daggers and he flinched, trying to retreat into that dull coldness again. "It was supposed to be over," he muttered dimly, repeating the mantra that had been running through his mind all day.

"But 'tis now!" Moira wanted to scream at him, cry, do something to make him respond. "I _wish_ ye 'ad bothered ta tell me," she seethed. They were both so stuck on their points that they were missing each other's by a mile. "Ye decided ta talk ta me 'bout every other time!"

He looked up at her, the dull pain almost radiating from him. "We don't know that it is," he said, very quietly. "Over, I mean."

"Wha'?"

"He took out the one trigger. All hidden in the psychic scar tissue. Told me he'd put in a couple of safeguards just in case there were more, but he can't go digging too much, still..." Nathan trailed off, staring rather blankly at the floor.

"'e'll get th' rest." The words were short and clipped. Moira was in no frame of mind to provide comfort, however badly it was needed. He still had not...there was the desire to leave, for a while at least. To walk out that door and keep walking. No doubt in her mind that she would be back but she wanted to leave so very badly. Another push would do it.

"That's what he told me," Nathan said, his voice barely audible now.

There was just something...the link, she thought, pressing her hands to her eyes. Even locked up, it was as cold as ice in her mind. "I can't..." Moira said, muscles twitching. "Focus past this. I need ta leave, ta clear me 'ead. I jus'..." She wanted to be there for him but the hurt was still there. And she didn't have it in her to push through that coldness on the link. She wasn't aware she was blinking back the tears as she headed towards the door.

Nathan's eyes went wide as he stared at her retreating back. It wasn't until the door swung shut behind her and Bella stirred irritably in her cage that he realized that yes, she had just done that, and yes, it was entirely his fault. Something clenched in his chest, and he took a deep, shaky breath, running his trembling hands through his hair, trying to figure out what to do, whether he should...

The thought was barely half-completed when he realized he was already up off the couch and following her. He caught up with her on the back porch, thankfully empty, and stood there in the doorway, staring stricken at her as she leaned on the railing, her face turned away from him.

Something came back to him then, something he'd said to Manuel, about how it couldn't always be about his pain. He sucked in another shaky breath, his eyes blurring, and the block on the link broke, disintegrating under the force of the shame and fear and guilt.

"I'm so sorry," he breathed, his voice trembling. "So sorry..." His hand, gripping the doorframe, went white-knuckled. "I suppose I wanted to pretend it didn't happen," he said almost brokenly. "My damned pride, more baggage for you... so selfish of me."

Moira buried her head in her arms, tears already leaking out from her tightly closed eyes. "Never
thought ye'd lie," she replied, voice muffled. "Joe...nay ye, Nathan. I can take a great deal many thin's..." Her emotions were out of control and she struggled to bring them back in, not sure why they were like this.

It nearly broke him right then and there, the comparison to Joe. But he didn't have the luxury of falling apart, not when he had to say something, do something... He swallowed past the sudden, jagged pain and tottered over, sinking down to his knees beside her. "Selfish," he managed, his voice breaking. "It was such a selfish thing to do... acting like my pride was more important than your trust." The shame was winning out, here.

"I could 'ave 'elped!" Finally, she lifted her face and looked down at him, tears on her cheeks. "I could 'ave been there, like I 'ave been. An' I couldnae! I cannae do wha' anyone else in this 'ouse can, Nathan. This is all I can do for ye! An' I couldnae!" She really, really wanted to go down there with him.

"I tried to run." He forced the words out. "I would have walked out of there and pretended... or tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. Charles had to remind me about the risk to the kids... had to remind me, I would have--" He stopped, pressed his lips together tightly and struggled again for composure. "Regressing in more ways than one," he whispered raggedly. "I'm so sorry. I--" The pain coming down the link was still so intense that he squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm so sorry. Please... tell me what I can do? Please?"

Whimpering slightly, Moira dropped to her knees and buried her face in Nathan's chest, holding on tightly. She felt horrid for not helping him when she had the chance but the anger had been so overwhelming it had been difficult to do anything but ride the wave. "Sorry," she muttered brokenly, clinging to him. "Jus'...dinnae ever do tha' again? Please? Nay liein', nay coverin' up. Jus' tell me up front?"

"I won't," he muttered into her hair, clinging to her unashamedly. "Stow the stupid manly pride, check..." Part of him had wanted to tell her. Had wanted to go right from Charles' office to find her, but he did so much damned falling apart at her. And as much as she told him that it didn't matter to her...

"It doesnae!" she half wailed, into his chest after the link finally starting opening up very, very slowly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again, unsteadily, raising a shaking hand to stroke her hair. "Don't cry, please... I just... I just thought it was over..." Why could he not stop saying that?

"I know, love an' it will be, soon." The anger was passing and now she could focus more clearly. They really needed to talk about this, calmly. "It'll be okay."

He was shaking his head again, clinging to her a little harder before he managed any kind of audible reaction to that. "I thought--I knew he was pulling my strings, but I thought--I thought he was trying to stop them, save the kids--" The words were coming out choked, barely comprehensible. "And he's no different from them--"

Moira lifted her head and looked at him. "'e thinks the ends justify these means," she whispered. "An' they dinnae. At all. Th' work needs ta be done, if ye so believe it, but nay by _'is_ 'and. Nay like this."

"I don't want anything more to do with him," Nathan said raggedly. "People kept acting like I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt, after he gave Charles the trigger back in August... that it wasn't him, but Kritzer..."

Bitch was really the first thought that popped into her mind and crossed the link before she could stop it. She still got a lot of pleasure from punching that woman.

"Can't trust him," Nathan went on, his voice shaking. "No matter what he says about trying to redeem himself... him or any of his people."

"Nay, ye cannae. But..." She took a deep breath. "Maybe ye can turn th' tables on 'im. Talk wit' Charles but I dinnae think 'e'll know if th' triggers are removed. Two can play at this game, Nathan."

"So sick of being a pawn," Nathan murmured feebly, still holding tightly to her. "I'll have to tell Ani and Mick. Make sure he doesn't come at them, once they go back with GW..."

"Aye, in th' mornin'. 'Tis late, Nathan, an' I jus'...want ta be wit' ye for a while, please?"

He took a deep, unsteady breath and got to his feet in one movement, pulling her gently along with him. He really wasn't ready to let go of her just yet. "Mind if I barricade the bedroom door? Once we're on the right side of it, I mean..."

"Nay complaints from me," she muttered, clinging to him. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too." His arm around her shoulder tightened, pulling her just that little bit closer. "And I love you."

"Love ye ta."