Log [Madelyn, Alison] - Darker than light...

[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

Late Wednesday night, after Alison starts slipping in and out of awareness more often, Madelyn goes into the isolation room to try and talk to her.



She was walking the walls again, as she'd been doing for the last two hours. No one was watching, no sad faces to make her feel bad - not that she would have noticed anyway. Just Alison and the walls and the damnable buzzing that never stopped, never went away. Light trailed after her, a constant illumination that never left and she lashed out at the wall. Stopping, barely, before she hit it. Again. It wouldn't matter if she hit the wall. She'd tried before and it changed nothing, the room somehow absorbing any sound, even that of her own voice. 

Madelyn watched from the doorway, just far enough in the shadows that Alison couldn't see her. She was hiding in the shadows because it was what she always had to do, before she saw Alison. To get her face back under control, to bury the helpless rage and focus on the fact her friend needed her help, rather than it was her friend that needed help. An important distinction, she remembered one of her professors pointing out to her.

Pause. Stop and turn. Alison started in the other direction, counting out steps under her breath, not that it mattered is she said the numbers out loud or not. One, two, three, four, five... there were fifteen steps for each wall most of the time - sometimes seventeen when she was fighting hard not to hit a wall. Sometimes less when she speeded up, hoping to catch the edge of a soundwave when she gave in and hit the wall. But at this moment she was calm - pacing the walls. Not hitting anything at all. Even though she wanted to.

Taking a breath, Madelyn stepped forward to where Alison could see her. "Hi," she mouthed.

The motion drew her attention and Alison snapped around, ignoring the pain at the sudden movement - just one more moment of pain to distract her from the others. The screen that had been set up to show what people were saying in the room was flashing idly, the word lingering on the screen long enough for Alison to read it. No sound. None. She repressed the urge to go up to Madelyn, press her hands to her lips, to hear what she was saying, somehow. Not now. Don't slip back into it now. Hold on. Blinking once, Alison focused, clinging to rational thought - barely. "Hi." The word replaced the first on the screen, the buzz of the white noise generators will holding sway over the soundscape.

"I thought I'd drop by, check on you..." Madelyn said, struggling hard to let the doctor hold sway. "The latest tests are in. It... You're going to be stuck with all this a bit longer, I'm afraid."

No. Nononononono- ~How long?~ Alison was still staring at the screen, not even wincing at the pain clenching her hands generated, limbs trembling from the strain of not moving, not making a break for freedom. She'd 'woken' up how long ago, again? Helping you. For your own good. Stay.

~I don't know. The neurological damage... there's so much. Weeks, perhaps.~ Madelyn didn't miss the hands clenching, the stillness, and wished beyond anything she could at least give her friend a hug. But that would cause more pain, and she'd already had so much. ~Moira's working on it,~ she added, struggling for calm herself.

~Weeks?~ Alison whimpered, breathing going fast and unsteady. Not weeks let me out please don't do that to me oh god please don't. Biting her lip hurt, but it was a way to focus and Alison kept doing so until she was sure the words skittering in her mind weren't being spoken out loud. ~Weeks.~

~Maybe less. We don't know. But we're working on it, I swear we are. You have to hang in there, Ali.~ Despite herself, Madelyn took a step forward, hands outstretched as if to hold her. Stopping a foot away and shoving her hands back into her pockets almost savagely. ~We're doing what we can,~ she repeated helplessly.

~No.~ Staring at the screen, Alison finally realized that it had picked up what she was saying wrong. Or perhaps not. ~I know. Meant I know.~ She looked away from it, unable to stand seeing words without hearing them anymore. She could read Madelyn's lips just as easily, after all. ~Okay.~ She was close, so close - almost close enough to touch and Alison nearly took a step forward before backing away again. She remembered that touching hurt. A lot. And as badly as she wanted to be touched, she wanted to hurt that much far less.  ~How long? Since the last time you were here?~

Madelyn glanced at the screen - she was picking up lip reading, but not as fast as she'd have liked. "I was here last night," she said, speaking slowly and clearly so Alison could understand. "You weren't really in a state to remember."

There. Was. No. Sound. She would have clenched her teeth to not scream in frustration only it hurt to do that, so instead she just tried to remember, closed her eyes and concentrated. ~Don't remember.~ Alison didn't want to know why she didn't, the look I Madelyn's eyes suddenly brutally clear, causing her to flinch. ~I'm sorry.~

"Oh, Ali..." Madelyn reached out again, stopping a couple of inches away from the other woman's shoulder, patting the air instead. It was the best she could do. "It's not your fault. It might take a little while, but you'll get through this. And we'll be here to help you do it."

Oh, how she wanted that touch. Any touch really. It was getting so hard to stand still and not move, the dull in her ankle unnoticed beneath the agony dancing along her nerves with each gesture she made. ~It hurts. Please make it not hurt.~

Madelyn's eyes filled, despite herself, and she dropped her hand. "I can't, Ali. We're trying, but it's going to take time. I wish I could stop it, I wish to God I had that power still, but I don't..."

Looking at Madelyn hurt and wanting to be touched hurt and wanting to hear something, anything hurt the most of all. Alison shuffled back slowly, looking at the walls, a hint of wildness in her eyes as she retreated towards one of the corners. ~Go. Better to go.~ She stopped a hair's breath shy of the wall, knowing exactly where it was and stared ahead hollowly for a moment, hanging on to the remaining shreds of her self-control.

Madelyn nodded, realising that she was only pushing Alison further into her pain, rather than relieving it. First do no harm, her mind reminded her mockingly. ~I'll talk to Moira some more, see if we can't come up with some way of making you more comfortable,~ she said, knowing Alison could see her lips and would read it off the screen. The words looked even more hollow than they sounded.

Madelyn was saying something, although the words were slipping away now. Frittering into nothingness, one by one, each one of them stolen from Alison, never to come back. ~Go.~ She shivered, one shoulder brushing into the wall, jerked forward hard in response. ~Please go.~ She didn't want to hurt Madelyn and it was getting hard to concentrate, to string one thought coherently after the next now. She knew what it meant, where she was going.