Log [Alison, Nathan] - Patterns...

[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

Sunday, late afternoon. Nathan decides to try and cheer Alison up a bit, although his methods aren't exactly what most might expect.



Nathan poked his head through Alison's door, spotting her in the chair at the window. #Mind if I come in?# he sent gently, shifting the large sketchpad under his arm. She looked--wilted, was the best description, maybe, and what he was picking up from her did not make him happy. At all. I think I need to beat the crap out of Haroun when he gets back...

Nathan's 'voice' wasn't a surprise - he'd been peeking in this way ever since Madelyn had given him the all clear, though for the first time she felt almost reluctant in waving him in. Of course, that was because Alison wasn't feeling like seeing much of anyone just now. Or anything. Even though just staying in the room alone really wasn't the best of ideas considering she kept going over Friday's argument in her mind ceaselessly. Maybe she should actually try and stop doing that. For a little while. #Okay.# And after a moment, because it was Nathan and he deserved better than being welcomed as though the world were ending. #M'sorry. Please come in?#

Smiling faintly, Nathan came in and sat down in the chair opposite hers. He debated for a moment acknowledging that he knew what the problem was, but then decided that no, he didn't really need to do that. Instead, he opened the sketchpad to a new page and rested it on his knee where she could see it, beginning to draw. It was one of the less-complicated Askani patterns, which of course meant that it still had the best Celtic knotwork beaten six ways to Sunday.

It only made sense to look at what he was doing, of course. Alison was tempted for a moment to turn off the sound baffles to try and hear the sound of the pen on paper, which was too low for her to hear with what little sound she was allowed, then dismissed the notion, looking instead. The pattern slowly taking shape kept tugging at the edges of her memory, the way so many of the Askani things she'd never seen yet did. They were somewhere in the memory download Askani had given her, sometimes buried deep, sometimes not. She wasn't getting anything clear on this one, so she waited as Nathan sketched it out and watched.

There was something almost hypnotic about it, Nathan thought as the pattern emerged on the page, and by that he meant it felt as if he was literally altering his own state of consciousness by doing this... #~Spiral of Life's Unwinding,~# he sent without really thinking about it.

Meditative pattern crafting. It really took the Askani to push it this far, although Alison was more than willing to bet that some research would find something similar in present times. It wasn't hard to lose oneself in the pattern as it emerged, which was the idea of course - the end result wasn't the only thing that mattered, the path being just as important as well.

There. The pattern was there on the page, complete, and Nathan blinked as it seemed to shimmer in his sight for a moment, the pencil lines glowing dark silver. "Huh," he said aloud, thoughtfully, and then looked up at Alison, who appeared perhaps a little more peaceful than she had when he'd walked into the room. #~You should see the one I did last night. 'The Precognitive and Retrocognitive Meet At The Center.' I was seeing things afterwards.~#

#~Yeah, but you see things anyway,~# she couldn't help but reply, lips quirking slightly at the teasing remark. Her eyes were still locked on the pattern however, following the progress of a curve as it whirled and blended from one corner of the pattern to another. #~It's pretty. That corner looks like Audrai's tattoo.~# It felt nice to just let her mind drift over the pattern. Very nice at that.

#~I'm still having trouble hearing them,~# Nathan sent after a moment, letting his mind trace the pattern. #~Starting to be able to distinguish individual voices again, but it's hard...~#

#~There's hardly any rush.~# She managed to follow one of the curves to the edge and out of the pattern, curling up a bit more in the chair. #~You know that they're there. Besides. Gave you the chance to explore things on your own a little bit.~# The patterns were one of these things, or so it seemed.

#~Still makes me anxious, though. Poor me, without my ghostly security blanket...~# Nathan gave her a slightly derisive smile.

#~You were just starting to get used to them being there all the time, weren't you?~# There was sympathy coloring the thought, along with something that felt suspiciously like understanding, of a kind. #~Having them there all the time, only to have them go quiet all of a sudden.~#

#~I think I've been at that point for a while now. Even in August... it felt wrong to not have them in my mind.~# One more thing that Mistra had tried to take from him. #~And the way they've been changing...~# He stopped, shrugging a little.

That caught her interest, drawing her further from the state she'd been in when he'd first walked into the room. #~Changing? How?~# The question was sharper than she'd meant for it to be, reminding her that perhaps Nathan wasn't the only one used to the Askani being around.

#~More of a unified presence. I don't think the individuals are fading - the ones that have been talkative all along can still come out at will, or when I call them. But they feeldifferent. It's hard to explain. I'm getting a collective voice more often than not, lately...~#

#~A merging of intent...~# She trailed off, head tilting to the side as she thought about what he'd said. #~Maybe you can just ask them later.~# Alison was trying to keep from going back to thinking about Haroun, but the talk had reminded her of the day he'd asked her about the Askani. Sighing, she shook her head a bit. #~I dream in Askani sometimes. Did I ever tell you that?~#

Nathan looked at her intently. #~No, you did not. What do you dream? Your own dreams in Askani, or theirs?~#

#My own at first. Just - normal things, well, as dreams go. Only entirely in Askani.# Alison tilted her head to the side, letting herself be drawn into the discussion further. #Sometimes though it's not here. Bit and pieces mostly. One was..." She closed her eyes, visualizing it as best she could. #An empty plain, a scrap of fabric with Askani writing on it blowing in the wind. I can never make out the writing.# Her lips twisted a bit at the irony. #Another where my eyes are always closed, but I smell warmth and wood. There are always people talking nearby, cheerful and relaxed.#

#Interesting,# Nathan sent after a moment's consideration. #Something in that original download, integrating slowly, maybe...# He smiled a bit humorlessly. #~I'd ask, but, well...~# Pausing, he looked at her a bit worriedly. #~Are you all right with the dreams? The ones that aren't yours?~#

Alison blinked at him, shaking her head slowly. #~Yes. I wanted the music. To understand the music, I needed the language. To contextualize the music and the language, I needed to know the cultural background. And to know that...~# She trailed off - it was self-explanatory, really. #~It doesn't scare me, if that's what you're asking. To be dreaming what has to be someone else's dreams. I figured out that part a while ago. There was one where I was a child, looking through the cracks of a wall… that wasn't a cheerful one.~# It hadn't been a nightmare, though it had been so very sad.

Nathan relaxed fractionally. #~I didn't understand how far it would go, with you,~# he confessed. #~When you asked for the download, I didn't...~# He stopped, shrugging uneasily. #~I know you agreed, and I'm glad it doesn't scare you. But those who still subscribe to a certain school of thinking could take it badly.~# The Askani might be changing, he reflected suddenly, but his sense of protectiveness towards them certainly hadn't.

It had been her choice, from the very start. #~None of us had a clue, really. Askani warned me it would be a gradual sort of thing but it was something new for her too, I'm thinking. I figure it's probably why I'm taking it so well. I'm not getting any reasons to be scared, since it's all one bit at a time.~#

#~Not all at once,~# Nathan conceded, thinking of the first few months with the Askani, how difficult it had been to balance. How afraid he'd been whenever they had disagreed, between moments of pure euphoria. #~It's funny, though... there's a gradual process going on in here, too.~# He tapped his own temple. #~I'm just not sure what that is yet.~#

They were disembodied entities thrown through time and clinging to their existence by living in one man's mind... Alison's first guess was that either a merging of some sort was occurring, or that  harmony was being slowly achieved within the clan simply for the sake of Nathan's sanity. #~You'll find out when the time is right, I'm guessing.~# The mention of 'finding out' reminded her of her own worries and her expression wavered a moment.

Nathan tilted his head, catching the shift in her expression. #~Waiting,~# he said quietly, then turned over to a fresh page in the sketchbook. #~There's a pattern for that, too, you know,~# he said, beginning to draw again. #~Several different variants. Clan soldiers used to trace them in the sand during the night before battle.~#

Only it was two nights after the battle and Alison was very much afraid she'd lost... Looking down at the paper however, she watched again as he started to trace out another pattern, trying to maintain the thin veneer of calm she'd managed since he'd first entered the room.

There wasn't much in the way of anger left in him at that point. Just the ache of sadness, that she had to deal with this on top of her physical condition. As he drew, Nathan started to hum under his breath. One of the longer Askani ballads, about lovers separated by the war and a host of other misunderstandings, but reunited in the end through sheer bloody stubbornness and persistence. He had noticed that theme a lot in the Askani stories.

It wasn't fair. People kept doing things that made her crack when she was trying to be all strong about things and humming that dratted ballad in particular was just... Alison had tears streaming down her cheeks by the second refrain and wasn't even trying to wipe them away, the occasional small sob escaping her now and then.

Nathan let the humming trail off and looked up at her, wishing to hell he could just hugher. He tried the telepathic equivalent, tentatively, even as his pencil kept moving on the page. #~You don't know,~# he projected gently. #~You're in the center of it and you don't know. But there will be a way forward.~#

Her answer, after a moment clearly spent struggling not to burst into louder sobs, was more of a blend of emotions than words. It was the not knowing why Haroun had left other than what he'd written for all to see that cut to the quick, the not even having been told and having no clue what might happen once he returned, along with an undercurrent of several other things that flickered in and out rapidly. And finally, she nodded just a bit, hands moving a touch helplessly before stilling again. #Okay.#

The pattern took shape on the page, soothing spirals linked to one another, forming the greater whole. #I suppose you could consider this art therapy,# he quipped, in English this time.

That dragged a startled laugh from her, Alison smiling briefly though the tears. #Suppose you could.# She looked down at the spirals, letting out a slow sigh. There wasn't even the need to ask if he'd leave her that one - why else would he be drawing it now? #Thank you.#

#You're welcome. And you can speak up in my defense if I start drawing these on the walls and Moira breaks out the straitjacket again.# He looked up at her, giving her his best shameless grin.

Smiling a bit more, Alison carefully wiped at her cheeks - she felt stretched thin, but this was better than how things had been before. So she'd hang on, for now. #But I'd be too busy looking at the pretty patterns and telling people what they meant. But if she only has one, then at least I'm safe...#

#You don't want to take the chance that she has another stashed away somewhere,# Nathan advised her brightly. #I'll play up my own craziness in order to draw attention away from you, if you like?#

She actually laughed at that one, a hint of surprise to the sound. And then paused, the corner of her lips quirking just a bit.

"Nathan? I have an Idea."