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[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

Friday afternoon, Jay takes advantage of being home for the weekend to go visit the cemetery with his best friend Manuelo. Jay finally performs the song that's been agonizing him for weeks, and nearly loses it at Kev's grave. It's all sad and sappy and wah and melodramatic, but he's a teenager so it's justified.


The cemetery was disturbingly quiet for a holiday afternoon. Given the nature of people in small towns, Jay had assumed that it would be bustling with activity, as people returning home for the weekend to be with family would take time to visit the departed. But Friday afternoon saw only two people: the winged mutant and another young man with dark skin and a shaved head who stood a few feet behind Jay.

Jay was sitting down cross-legged in front of a relatively new grave, only a few months old. He had swept away the dead, dried leaves that had littered the ground and replaced them with a fresh bouquet of American lotuses. The florist had told him that the flower represented life and immortality. Jay just thought they looked nice.

“Kevin Jeremiah Cabot, 1987-2004. Beloved son and brother. Taken from us too soon by an angel.” That is what the tombstone read, and Manuelo, Jay’s best friend who had accompanied him on this expedition, had snorted the first time he had seen it. He was well aware that it was a dig directed at Jay by the Cabots, but out of respect kept his mouth shut. Jay simply accepted it. Because as far as he was concerned, it was his own fault. Lucinda and Manuelo had spent countless hours trying to reassure him that no, it was not, but of course he did not believe it. If only Jay had been more discreet about their relationship. If only he had left the clearing instead of trying to talk to Mr. Cabot and Kev’s brothers that night. If only his healing factor had kicked in sooner.

There were many “If only”s.

At first, Jay was at a loss for words. What do you say to the man who loved you without reservation who killed himself for your sake? Jay sat in silence for a good ten minutes just trying to come up with something, anything, to say that was genuine and would not cheapen anything. Eventually, the words came out, slowly and tentatively at first, but soon enough he found himself speaking as if Kev was actually there.

“It’s been crazy, y’know,” Jay said. “Goin’ ta school in New York, s’a lot different there. The school’s full of other mutants. There’s this little fat kid who can’t be moved iffn he don’t wanna be, and there’s this little green boy who can stop people from usin’ their powers. Some really good lookin’ fellas are there too. Ah think you’d like the eye candy, babe. There’s even this one guy, maybe you or your family’s heard o’ him. Warren Worthington? Some business big shot, Ah hear. Anyway, he’s a mutie too. Got wings just like me. He’s pretty easy on the eyes, too.”

Jay smiled sadly, his right hand caressing the earth, as if he was petting someone. “Ah miss home all the dang time. Ah miss you most of all, but Ah think you know that, don’tcha? Ya know Ah can’t go without thinkin’ ‘boutcha all the time. Ah even . . .” Jay smiled awkwardly. “Heck, Ah even wrote a song about you. It took me for-freakin’-ever, too. And Ah got some good help with it. Ya know Alison Blair? What am Ah sayin’, of course ya know who she is. Well, she’s a mutie, too, and the music teacher at school. She gave me some help with this. Do ya . . . Um, do ya wanna hear it, babe?”

Jay was pretty sure that Manuelo was thinking that he’d gone bat-shit insane, speaking to a grave as if the person was actually there. But this was the first time Jay had been to the cemetery since the funeral, and he had to talk. His guitar case was lying on the ground next to him, and he opened it to withdraw the instrument and sling it across his shoulder.

This was the first time he had performed the final version of the song to anyone. It was significantly different from what Alison had played, as Jay had written more lyrics and revised the old ones, as well as added new chords and elongated the song overall. But it retained its original melody, slow and soft, drawing out the pain and longing of anybody who heard it. As Jay began singing, six separate voices in different keys all singing in unison, he was transported to a different place.

July 4th, last summer. Jay was performing at his band’s usual gig, the local restaurant The View. The outdoor patio, always a popular seating place during the summer, was packed with people. Jay, his wings unfurled halfway and kept steady so that they would appear to be stage props, sat on a stool on stage, singing one of the band’s most often requested songs. It was about two young boys wandering around a lake one summer night, not having a care in the world. A song about innocence, or at least that was what critics had claimed. But it was really just the story about the first time he had met Kev all those years ago. And seeing as how Kev was working at The View that night, Jay wanted to perform the song just for him.

After The View had closed for the night, Jay and Kev went to watch the fireworks together, but not with the rest of the town at the fairgrounds. They went to their usual haunting spot, the clearing by the lake a few miles away, where they spent the night together. It was probably the best sex they had ever had (it was at least the most times they had gone at it in one sitting). But it was without a doubt the most passionate night they ever spent together, including the first time they made love.

Now, sitting in the cemetery in front of Kev’s grave performing a song written to express everything that Jay felt for Kev, Jay recalled that night clearly. He was there, lying on top of Kev on the blanket they had brought, kissing him passionately as their hands wandered over each other’s bodies. He could feel himself, sweaty and panting and full of raging hormones, inside Kev, warm and tight, crying out his name between breaths and gasps and moans. He could hear, as his fingers strummed the strings of his guitar, Kev huskily saying “I love you” after climaxing.

And then the scene shifted to a similar one just one and a half months later. They were at the clearing again, lying in each other’s arms on the blanket, murmuring sweet nothings to each other and giggling like schoolboys. And as their lips met, they were attacked: Kev’s father, a big burly man wearing overalls and a grey button-down shirt and steel-toed boots, and Kev’s two older brothers wearing similar clothing. They all had matching expressions of horror and disgust, and were shouting profanities at Jay as they advanced on the couple.

The rest of the night is admittedly hazy, as Jay tried to talk some sense into the Cabots and was rewarded by getting the living hell beat out of him, as Kev screamed at his father and brothers to stop. A blow to the head knocked him out, and the next thing he could recall was lying at the bottom of the lake with Kev in his arms.

Jay faltered in the song for a moment. This was the part he really did not like. He could feel Manuelo’s hand on his shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze, but he did not hear what his best friend had to say. He just shrugged it off and started again where he had left off. He needed to finish this.

The song continued with what were probably the most difficult lyrics to write, describing Jay’s swim back to shore and the discovery that Kev had died by drowning. Jay could barely keep up two voices for this part, singing about carrying Kev’s body back home and begging his mother to do something to wake him up. Nothing could be done, his mother had insisted, Kev was gone and nothing could bring him back. Maybe not, Jay had thought at the time, but at least he could go with him. Which is when he found a stake from an old broken fence and tried to impale himself with it. He tried at least half a dozen times before his mother stopped him, screaming at him and trying to point out that the wounds instantly healed and that suicide was not the right way to go. The rest of the night was a blur.

“He lies with angels / And loved them more / Than heaven’s heart could hold / He lies with child / Then left his care / And both would weep from cold.

“Child to youth / Remembrance dims / But passion still must hold / Two angels lie too bold / Two angels lie so bold.

“He returns to heaven / That missed his love / His memory spun to gold.

“May he ever lie with angels.”

Jay sat in silence for a few minutes after completing the song, not bothering to wipe the tears from his eyes. “Ah – Ah hoped ya’ liked it, darlin’. It was the only way Ah could think of ta articulate mahself, y’know? All these things Ah’ve wanted ta say to ya for Lord knows how long.”

Removing the guitar from his shoulders, he carefully replaced it in its case. “Fuck, Kev, Ah miss you so much. There’s so much we didn’t do. Ah never took ya ta meet Mama or the kids. They woulda loved ya, y’know. Ya never got to meet Sam and Paige neither. Not that it would’ve been anythin’ special, but then at least you coulda been a real member of mah family. Well, ‘cept for the whole marriage thing, but we coulda gone up to Massachusetts or, fuck, even Canada for that part. Ah’m never gonna be a rock star with you as mah official groupie. We’re never gonna get ta travel the country and see all the places ya wanted ta go to. We won’t be able ta raise kids together. Or grow old together. We almost got ta die together, except this fuckin’ curse stopped me.

“Damn it, Kev, why’dja haveta go like that? It’s not fair!” He slammed the ground with his fist and felt his eyes tear up again. “We’re not fuckin’ Romeo and Juliet! Just ‘cuz our families hate each other’s guts doesn’t mean that we’ve gotta die ta make a stand! Our love was supposeda be the grand thing that got Mama and your Pop ta stop with the bickerin’ already. No more fuckin’ feud because of us, remember? And now your Pop hates us even more. Have ya seen your tombstone? He blames me. And Ah mean, Ah know it’s mah fault and all . . . No, Ah know thatcha don’t think so, but it is, so don’t argue with me.

“Fuck, Ah don’t even know what Ah’m sayin’ no more. Goin’ from one thing to another like Ah’m a loon. Maybe it’s time Ah went back home.” Jay looked at the tombstone intently, as if it was Kev’s face and he was staring into his eyes. “Ah’ll always love you, Kev. Always, ya hear? So while you’re sittin’ up in Heaven on a cloud and lookin’ down at me, remember that, ‘kay? Always. We’ll be together again someday, babe, Ah swear it.” Bending over, Kevin kissed the earth softly, wiping his lips with the back of his hand as he got back up. “Ah’ll see ya ‘round, lovely.”

The drive back to the Guthrie place was made in silence. Jay sat looking out the passenger-side window of Manuelo’s pickup all the way. As they pulled into the road that led up to the house, Manuelo finally decided to break the silence. “That was a beautiful song there, Josh,” he said. “I think Kev would’ve really liked it.”

“Thanks,” Jay replied disinterestedly, still staring out the window.

“Josh, man . . . I wish I could say something that would make this all better. But, Christ, if I lost my Julia I’d be the same way you are. Just, y’know, don’t do nothing dumb, you hear me? Because me and the guys would miss you something crazy.”

“Ah know y’all would, dude.” Jay finally looked at Manuelo, the tear streaks on his face more or less dry. “Really, Ah do. But it’s so fuckin’ hard, everyday, wakin’ up and realizin’ that Ah’ve gone without him for another day. We barely had five months together, and those were the best of mah life. It’s almost impossible to go on sometimes knowin’ that Ah’ll never have that again. It’s all downhill from here.”

“Josh, you always were a dangfool,” Manuelo chastised, shaking his head. “I won’t say something retarded like you’ll find somebody else, because that’s, well, retarded. But life doesn’t have to suck without him. Believe it or not, there are other people who care about you. Like, y’know, me.”

“Yeah, but Ah can’t fuck you,” Jay retorted, grinning for the first time in hours. “Unless y’all’re offerin’? Don’t think Julia would care for it much, unless she wantsta watch.”

“Fucking pervert.” Manuelo put the truck into the park and turned off the ignition. “You know damn well what I mean, dude.”

“Ah know, Man. And . . . thanks. All Ah wanna do now is get through with this freaking animal house of a school so Ah can come back and we can finally go out and get our record deal.”

“Dude, totally. Zach and Rick and I’ll be waiting for you.”

“Thanks, Man.” Jay reached over to give his best friend a quick (and platonic) hug. “For the drive and keepin’ me company and everythin’ else.”

“No problem, Josh. Give me a holler tomorrow, ‘kay? The four of us’ve gotta get together and jam.”

“Sure. See ya’ later.” Jay opened the car door and got out, taking his guitar with him. In somewhat better spirits than he had been in a long time, he waved to Manuelo before opening the door to his house and stepping inside.