Jubilee and Amanda log

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

When: Monday 20th December 2004 Time: 8am
Who: Jubilation Lee, Amanda Sefton
What Happens?: Jubilee comes down to the boat house, looking for a way to help out Cain. She and Amanda talk about what Dr Strange showed her, among other things.



All my life,
I've welcomed pain.
I've made up more excuses,
To bring it back again.

Now I'm here,
And I'll drink to the shame.
I'll drink to the madness,
That made me this way.

'A million Tears' - Kasey Chambers


Marko was sleeping - which was good, because he was a crappy patient. Taking the opportunity to slip on her coat and catch a quick fag on the dock, Amanda looked out over the half-frozen lake, the clouds she was producing a mixture of smoke and the steam from her breath. She was actually feeling pretty good, despite the post-magic fatigue and the worry about Nathan's blindness - somehow she knew that it was only temporary, that he'd get his sight back eventually. At least the geas had finished, and the spell she’d used on Marko seemed to be holding up, even if she couldn’t sense the Gem’s power like she ought to be able to – he was alive, and stable enough to be grumpy about being stuck in bed, so obviously what they had done had worked. She grinned to herself – she’d help save a life. No matter how much her natural pessimism wanted to twist it, there it was.

Jubilee had been heading up to the boathouse to see if Remy was around. She noticed Amanda standing by the dock and paused, wondering if she shouldn't just turn around and walk away. She wasn't a coward though, so she continued forward toward the dock. They needed to talk anyway, might as well get it all out of the way.

As always, the sound of footsteps gave away the person approaching before they got close, and Amanda raised her eyebrow at the approaching girl. Jubilee had gotten so good at the avoiding thing they'd barely been in the same room since Vegas, although Amanda couldn't say she'd minded all that much. Now, however, it seemed the time for avoiding was over. At least Jubilee had picked a relatively good time for this - Amanda was in a good mood, not suffering the affect-effects of dark magic, and actually in reasonable physical shape after Arizona and the recharge, even after the spell to heal Cain.

"You look like someone with somethin' t' say," she said as Jubilee joined her, to avoid the usual awkward silence the preceded these things. Holding out her cigarettes to Jubilee, she added. "An' a little bird tells me yer've picked up the filthy habit."

Jubilee smiled wryly, taking a cigarette from Amanda and holding it up for a light. Leaning back against the railing, she blew a small cloud of smoke into the air. "Yeah, it's amazin' how quickly this stuff becomes a habit. Just don't tell me anythin' about bein' a try hard, hey? Didn't start it to be cool." She hesitated for a moment, knowing what she wanted to talk about but unsure if she should continue on from what she'd tried to talk to Amanda about in Vegas. "About Strange." she said. "He wanted to show me what I'd done, s'only reason he showed me anything about your past."

"Of course you didn't," Amanda replied in reference to the cool part, unable to repress rolling her eyes just a little. But there was more important stuff here - she pocketed her lighter and leaned her forearms on the rail, looking out over the lake rather than at Jubilee. "So, what exactly did Strange show you?" she asked levelly. "How far back?"

"I guess as far back as you let him see. Everything from when you were a baby up to and including the binding ceremony. But it wasn't just seein', I felt it too. All of it. Got all your memories shoved into my head, still got them somewhere back there. Although, it's not as clear anymore. Was right before I made that post to the journals about what I'd done." Jubilee hadn't looked at Amanda through all this, she couldn't yet. She needed to talk it out but she couldn't face her yet.

"He used a crystal, didn't he?" At Jubilee's nod, Amanda went on, taking a long drag of her cigarette as she collected her thoughts. "He made that for me back when I started with him. I wanted him t' know everythin', but I couldn't come out an' talk about it, y'know? So we made a copy of me memories. From when I was two t' when I was eleven. Fuck, there's stuff there I don't even remember clearly meself." Finally, she took her eyes off the lake and looked at the other girl. "So, now yer've got all the facts. Bet yer pleased about that - yer've got everythin' an' anythin' you need t' stitch me up again, if you want." There was no anger in her tone, only wariness - Jubilee had burned her once too often for her to simply accept an apology and go on. They'd done that after the fight.

Jubilee was silent for a long time, thinking about what she could say. She knew she could say that she wouldn't use Amanda's history against her. Even if that were true now, there was always a chance of a fight later on. Jubilee knew with their history, there was no way Amanda would believe that she wouldn't use her knowledge if that ever happened.

"Bind me then." She said simply, not knowing if it were possible. "Whatever promise you want, I'll make. What I felt, it was so much worse then anything I ever went through and even then I still had the memory of my parents. I'd never use that against you. But I know words don't mean a damn thing, not with us."

She was telling the truth. Amanda's mystical energy levels were on the low side, and there was the geas, but she didn't need her aura sight to know Jubilee meant every word. "Sometimes they can," she said after a long, drawn-out silence. "An' this is one of those times. 'Sides, in the end, it don't matter what you know an' what you don't. You want t' hurt me, you will. The only thing that's gunna stop you is you. An' they tell me they're teachin' you so that you will."

Amanda took another drag, wanting to do this properly, not wanting her meaning to be lost. "But I will say this. 'S not just me yer hurtin' if you go that path. Yer hurtin' Manuel. We're still linked, an' I swear by my name that if you do anythin' that gets him hurt like that again, anythin' at all, I'll come down on you so hard that healin' session'll look like I was ticklin' you with a feather." Again, there was no anger, no hate, just cold determination. "He's already lost too much. I think you can understand that."

Jubilee hadn't seen Manny since he'd lost his memories. Hadn't wanted to hurt his chances of making a new start. It was one of the few things she could do for him, make sure she stayed the hell out of his life. "I wouldn't hurt Manny again. Not deliberately. Or you, or anyone here. I don't need you to threaten me, cause I'd kill myself before I ever let it happen again. It's not what they're teaching me, Amanda. It's what I'm doing for myself. Tryin' to be a better person. Even if it doesn't always seem that way." Jubilee said.

She glanced over her back, toward where she knew Cain would be sleeping. They hadn't wanted her anywhere near him. Something about aggravation not being good for the patient. She understood, even if it would have been a chance for her to make up for some of the hard time she'd given the man in the past.

"That wasn't a threat, Lee, just statin' the way things are." She caught Jubilee's glance towards the boathouse. "What brings you down here? Doubt it was 'cause you wanted a heart t' heart with me."

"Wanted to see if Remy was around." She said, it was a half truth. She'd wanted to see if maybe she could find some way to help out Cain as well, even if it wasn't by looking after him like the others were. Maybe even if she just cleaned up around the place. That wouldn't stress the guy out, surely? "An see if I could help out." she finished, deciding to be honest for once.

It was a testament to Amanda's control over her expression that she didn't choke on her cigarette. And she'd been half-expecting something like that - it sounded like one of Lee's big gestures. "Why?" she asked, keeping the sneer carefully out of her voice.

"Because I want to." Jubilee replied, stubbing out her cigarette on the railing. She threw it into the small sand filled waste paper basket that must have been put out here for just that purpose and folded her arms. "Is that really so hard to believe?"

"No," said Amanda. "But you have t' admit, you ain't exactly first in the queue t' help when someone's sick or hurt. Why now? An' why him?"

"Because I want a chance at movin' on. A chance to make a better impression then the one I did before." she said. There wasn't really any other way of saying it. She supposed it was selfish of her to want a second chance but there it was. "It wouldn't even have to be lookin' after him. I mean, there must be a million things that need doin' around here, right? I know I ain't usually the first to volunteer for things but I'm lookin' to change that, ain't I? Can't do that without startin' somewhere. And I gave him a harder time then most."

Amanda took a long, considering drag on her cigarette, looking at Jubilee so intently the other girl squirmed after a while. "It'll be up t' the docs whether they let you actually look after him," she said at last. "e's s'posed t' be keepin' the stress down, what with nearly dyin' an' all. But you talk t' Bartlet, I'm sure she'll come up with somethin' you can do." A brief smile appeared on her face. "Know somethin' 'bout second chances meself. Seems like sometimes I'll be tryin' t' make up for stuff like the potion for a good while yet."

Jubilee didn't answer for a time, her gaze intent on the lake. She'd noticed some small splashes as she'd listened to Amanda, wondering if it were going to rain. The grey clouds had been threatening all morning. She finally realised she was avoiding having to answer, even as she knew there was only one thing she could say.

"Can't." she said, her voice flat and emotionless. She noticed the tightening around Amanda's eyes and sighed. She had been talking about herself, not the other girl. "I can't. Make up for anything I've done." She clarified. "S'not about forgiveness, or second chances. It ain't about makin' me feel good about bein' me. An if they say I can chop wood, or clean the damn toilet. Then that's what I'll do."

Amanda did snort this time. "Do you even listen t' yerself, Lee? Two minutes ago yer talkin' 'bout wantin' the chance t' make a better impression an' t' change things, an' now yer tellin' me it ain't 'bout makin' you feel good 'bout yerself. Make up yer mind, if you can."

Jubilee glared at the other girl, angry with herself. She wasn't saying this well, couldn't find the words she wanted to explain. Sometimes she felt like she was going around in circles. "Yeah, I want a chance to make things better but I'd do it even if it didn't. Can't I fuckin' want to do somethin' that ain't selfish? It don't matter if you believe that or not. It don't matter what I say or get wrong in sayin'. I know what I'm thinkin'. And it ain't about me this time. No matter how you look at me, or what you say. That's what I fuckin' know."

She couldn't get it right, couldn't explain the conflicting ideas. She wanted forgiveness and she wanted to not want it. She was giving herself a headache, thinking so much about what she should be feeling and couldn't. And Amanda didn't know that, Samson hadn't told anyone but Nathan that she knew of, and she'd only ever told Alison and Madelyn.

"Yer wrong there, Lee. 'S all 'bout you. You either want a second chance, t' redeem yerself, or t' punish yerself for what yer've done before. An' you know what? 'S not a bad thing, either of those. As long as you know that's why yer here, why yer wantin' t' do this, instead of tryin' t' tell yerself it's 'cause you care so much 'bout the man lyin' in there." Amanda shrugged, finishing her cigarette and stubbing it out, before giving Jubilee another of those brief, hard grins. "'Sides, you go in there tryin' t' be Florence Nightingale, an' he'll have yer wantin' t' strangle him in five minutes. Marko's not exactly a made-for-TV-movie patient. Right cranky bastard he is, actually."

"That's just it, ain't it? I don't feel at all." Jubilee replied, anger lingering in her tone. Rain had begun falling in light drops, splattering against her as she backed away toward the edge of the dock.

"Then why pretend you do? You use words t' cover up the fact you don't give a shit 'bout anythin' much, includin' yerself. Don't think I haven't noticed it." Amanda frowned up at the clouds, rain spattering on her face. Brr. "Can't con a con artist, Lee."

"Because even a facsimile of emotion is better then nothin'." Jubilee replied, feeling the cold rain soaking into her hair, and leaving trails of moisture down her face. She smiled, noting the words she'd used didn't sound a damn thing like her. A textbook answer, really. "Because people would have noticed if I just stopped reactin' at all." It had a ring of truth to it, that last, but it wasn't. Jubilee didn't know what the truth was. Whether she pretended to save on awkward questions, or whether it was because she knew to admit she felt nothing meant to give up on ever feeling at all. And she did feel still. She could feel anger, she could feel fear. And for the briefest of days, at Thanksgiving, she had cared for people, even when it cut like a knife. "And maybe one day, I think I could feel somethin' more and I don't wanna give up on that just yet."

"Makes a lot of sense, all that does," Amanda said briefly, her expression not completely unsympathetic. There but for the grace of God... It had been a saying she'd learned in English class, and it made sense now. "The fact you want t' change says a lot." Water dripped off her nose and she shook her head irritably. "An' now, since I don't fancy gettin' sick meself, even if standin' out here is terribly poetic an' the like, 'm goin' back in." She paused in the act of pushing herself off the railing and raised an eyebrow at the other girl. "There's a sink full of dishes that needs washin' in Marko's place, if yer still keen on that helpin' thing."

"Just point me towards the pink plastic gloves." Jubilee replied, pulling her jacket closer around her shoulders.