Backdated to Sunday 1/2/05, Jay and Sam

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

Sam receives some old possessions of Kevin Cabot's to deliver to Jay. Upon receiving them, Jay finally cracks and breaks down, and Sam offers whatever solace and comfort his brother will accept. Again, apologies for poorly written Southern accents. ;)


Jay was up in his room (or what was his room), absently strumming his guitar. He and Manuelo had visited the cemetery again this morning, and it had put him in a crummy and hypersensitive mood for the rest of the day. Now he understood why people tend to get so depressed around the holidays. He was so lost in non-thought that he just barely heard the knocking at his door. "C'min," he called.

Peering around the doorframe, Sam looked into the room at where Jay sat on his bed. He wasn't quite sure why Beth Cabot had given him a small collection of Kevin's old things to pass along to Jay, but he figured it was his brotherly duty to give them to his brother. "Ah'm not interruptin' anything, am Ah?" he asked softly, seeing the guitar on Jay's lap.

Jay shrugged and continued playing softly. "No more'n usual," he replied, although the usual spite was gone from his voice. "Do ya need somethin', Sam? S'not really a good time for social visits."

"It's not really social," Sam replied, trying not to instinctively get testy at Jay's dismissal. He could hear that his brother was being at least civil, which was an improvement. "Ah'm not entirely sure why she gave 'em to me, maybe she didn't want to stay any longer than she had to, but Beth Cabot just came by with some old things of Kevin's, and asked me if Ah'd give 'em to ya." He produced a small box from behind his back and held it out. "So, uh, here they are," he finished somewhat lamely.

Jay didn't bother to conceal his surprise at hearing that Beth had come around. And he nearly fell off his bed when Sam held out the box. It took him a minute to realize that he was staring at it. Carefully putting his guitar down, he stood up and hesitantly approached his brother. He didn't take the box immediately, but just looked at it a moment longer, as if to make sure it wasn't a joke. "Dear Jesus . . ." he murmured upon opening it. Inside was a small leather bound book, the diary Jay had seen Kev write in so many times, and a gold chain with a gold cross. Kev used to wear it all the time, even though it had no particular significance. It wasn't a family heirloom or worth much money, it was just a cross that he had bought with his own money because he saw it in a store and liked it. "Sh-she gave you these ta give ta me?" Jay asked Sam, his voice barely above a whisper.

Sam nodded slowly, sympathy plain on his face at Jay's reaction. He felt a bit like he was intruding on a reaction that should have been private. "She did," he said briefly. "Ah asked her if she wanted to give them to ya in person, but she didn't seem inclined to stick around much."

Putting the box with the diary down on his bed, Jay gently held the necklace. "Thank you," he said to Sam, almost inaudibly. His lip was trembling, and he could feel himself tearing up. He silently berated himself for crying; there was no reason to, and even if there was, the worst place to do it would be in front of Sam.

But the diary and the cross were two of Kev's most personal possession, two things he would never have given up. And now Jay had them. Kev had been dead for four months, and Jay knew that, but now it just seemed more real than it ever had. So he couldn't help it. Tears started trickling down his face and his body started to shake.

Even more Sam felt like he was intruding on Jay's private reaction to the items. "Is...is there anythin' Ah can do ta help?" he asked quietly. He knew in his mind that he couldn't hope to understand what Jay was going through, but he wanted to help, even if Jay could be very standoffish and snippy at times.

Jay wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and sniffled loudly. He felt like a dumb kid, falling apart in front of his big brother because of some gifts. "A-Ah gotta get outta here," he said, turning away from Sam and going over to his window. Without saying anything else, he opened it and jumped out. Spreading his wings, he began to fly away, as fast as he could manage, even though it was dark out and he couldn't see much. He just had to leave. His tears stung in the cold air, but he ignored the pain. The only thing to do was to move.

It wasn't that he was crowding Jay, Sam rationalized to himself as he moved to the window shortly behind his brother. He just wanted to keep an eye on Jay, make sure he wasn't going to try and do anything rash. Leaning out the window, he dropped toward the ground before igniting his blast field, careful to try and keep the flames away from the house. He flew far enough behind to be out of Jay's way, but close enough that he could still see the direction Jay was flying.

Jay wasn't paying any attention to the direction he was flying, but he couldn't ignore it when he saw that he was above the lake where he and Kev had spent so many nights together. It was also the lake that had taken Kev away from him. Faltering, Jay brought himself down, landing inelegantly at the empty clearing.

Unfortunately, Sam had yet to find a way to muffle his blast field, so even though he touched down farther down the shore from Jay, he imagined his brother would hear him.

Jay was sitting down, knees held up against his chest, like the little kid he felt. Looking over his shoulder, Jay could see Sam through his tears. "Ah can't do this anymore," he said, his voice wavering. "Ah just can't. Ah need him and he's gone and he ain't comin' back."

Walking slowly down the shore, Sam crouched near where Jay was sitting. If it weren't for Jay's frequent touchiness, Sam would have drawn his brother into a tight hug. "Ah know, Jay. Ah felt the same way after Daddy died. Ah wasn't ready to be the man of the family, and Ah wanted him back, but he wasn't comin'." He looked out over the lake, lost in the past. "Ah spent a lot of nights cryin' out in the barn, where Ah figured nobody could see me."

But for once, Jay would not have pushed away. A little physicality would have been a good thing; some sign that would tell him that no, he's not alone, and yes, people do love him. "But it ain't the same. S'a different kinda love," he sobbed. "Am Ah bein' punished, Sam? Is God tellin' me that Ah can't be happy 'cuz I'm some lowly faggot? Is that why this happened?"

In a sort of compromise, Sam put a reassuring hand on Jay's shoulder and squeezed gently. "God ain't like that, Jay. He don't punish people and tell them they can't be happy just 'cuz of who they decide to love. It happened because Kev's family got too wrapped up in their hate to realize what it would do." He shook his head sadly.

"Ah just don't know what ta do no more," he admitted, his body tensing and then relaxing as he felt his brother touch his shoulder. "Ah don't wanna die, but Ah can't live like this. Thinkin' about him all the dang time, wishin' he was here, talkin' to his fuckin' gravestone like he's actually alive and listenin' ta me . . . What do I do now?"

Sam sighed. He wished that he had the perfect piece of advice to give
Jay, that would help him heal quickly. But it wasn't like he was the picture of emotional stability, and even had a leg to stand on giving advice. "Ah know it's trite, but the only thing is time. Ya gotta just keep movin' forward a step at a time. Live your life, and in time, you'll be able to remember the good times and love ya had, and the rest will sorta fade away and not hurt so much. But in the meantime, Ah want ya to know that Ah'm here for ya, whenever ya need me."

Jay shook his head and wiped the tears away from his face again. "Ah made such a mess of things. Fucked things up royal. Everyone up in New York hates me, the Cabots probably still want to fuckin' kill me, Ah ain't got no home since Momma sent me to school . . . There's nothin'. The only thing Ah've got left is mah music, and God'll probably take that away from me too."

Sam resisted the urge to smack Jay and tell him to stop whining and feeling so sorry for himself. "Ah don't imagine everyone in New York hates ya, Jay. Some people probably like ya, some probably don't. That's the way it is with everyone. Ya shouldn't waste your time worryin' about what the Cabots think, what with them bein' a bunch of hateful people. And ya still got a home to come back to whenever ya need it. Ya know Momma would never turn you away. And God ain't gonna take your music. Hell, He sent ya Al as a teacher. Ah know she ain't necessarily your type of music, but ya can't argue with the success that she's had." As usual, Sam had to very carefully work to keep his instinctive reactions to talking about Alison tamped down.

It seemed that the only guest to Jay's pity party was Jay himself. "Sorry. Ah just think that Ah wanna be alone now. Need ta think 'bout stuff a bit." He stayed where he was, knees still held up against his chest, rocking himself back and forth. "Sorry."

Sam squeezed Jay's shoulder one last time and then stood slowly. "Nothin' to be sorry for, Jay. Ya don't get past this sort of thing overnight, and sometimes, all that's to be done is sort things through on your own. But ya know where Ah am if ya need me, 'kay?" He smiled down at his brother and then headed off along the shoreline before blasting off of the sand back in the direction of the Guthrie farm.