xp_logs | Nathan and Alison, Thursday morning (Reply)

Alison stops by Nathan's office to find out what he didn't put in his report about Spain. He's still having a certain amount of difficulty coping with MacInnis' bombshell about the unintended consequences of what happened in New Mexico eight years ago.

Note to self, Nathan thought, scowling. Be a whole hell of a lot more specific when you assign independent study assignments the next time. These were dreadful. Just absolutely dreadful. He grumbled and made a few pointed comments on the paper in front of him, then set it on the pile of papers which he really should fail, if his rush to leave for Spain and his absence hadn't probably been partially responsible for how bad they were in the first place. Ah, guilt. Such a wonderful thing.

The knock on the door was accompanied by an absent sounding hum, Alison leaning on the door while flipping the USB drive from one hand to the other absently. The same tune was echoing in her thoughts, nothing much else really present at the surface of things. If there was an answer letting her know to come in, Alison realized after a few moments, she'd missed it. Wincing, she glanced at the door, hoping that hadn't been the case.

Nathan scrawled a few more comments on the next paper before he answered. "Come in," he called to Alison. When the door opened, he smiled briefly at her, noticing that her thoughts were a little more turbulent than was being reflected outwardly. "Marking," he said, waving a hand at the stack of papers. "Paying the penalty for my 'vacation'." Then he noticed the USB drive in her hand, and frowned a little.

Normally, she would have least given someone time to get used to the idea that questions were going to be asked. Most times Alison would have sit down, chatted amiably and likely let the other one bring up the topic first, when ready to do so.

Apparently, things were a little different just now. "Morning." She crossed the room, sliding one of the chairs facing his desk with a small sigh, not quite slumping in it, but close. The USB drive was carefully set on the desk, and Alison gave him a seemingly bland look. "Sooo... what didn't you put in that report?" Calm and posed, that was the ticket.

"Uhh... nothing that needed to be in there?" Nathan said after a moment, stumbling a bit over the words. "Just... random conversations with MacInnis, nothing that has any kind of strategic or tactical value." He didn't really know why he didn't want to tell her. He'd told Moira and Amanda, after all... but that was different. Somehow. Or maybe it was just sinking in finally that there really wasn't anything to be done, or resolved, so maybe he just didn't need to think about it anymore...

Silence reigned for a moment, Alison not saying a word as she watched him. "Okay. I'll let you get back to your marking then." She pushed herself up from the chair without further ceremony, absently tugging the slightly overlarge sweater she was wearing into place before heading back towards the door. The USB drive stayed right were it was on Nathan's desk however.

Nathan stared at the USB drive for a moment. They were going to have to deal with MacInnis again, that went without saying, and he wouldn't put it past the old rat bastard to pull that rabbit back out of the hat at the worst possible moment. Or find others. Were there others? "He was just trying to unsettle me," he said a bit unsteadily, before Alison could turn away. "Knock me down a peg or two. Like I told you during the week, he wasn't all that crazy about us being there at first. And I'm glad he came at me instead of at Tim."

She hesitated for a moment, but remained standing. "You don't have to tell me if-" she waved a hand at that. Be it that he didn't want to, didn't feel like it, whatever it was - she wasn't going to put a label to it or pressure. Keeping with the not thinking was good too. It worked very well for her, these days. Still, Alison took a small breath and continued. "MacInnis always does that. You were expecting it. And better placed to deal with it than Tim." He'd been right, simply put.

Nathan took a deep breath. "He was there in New Mexico when I came back," he said as impassively as he could. Get it out. Give her the information, and then there wouldn't have to be any more talk about it. "Eight years ago, I mean. He was the one who ordered the evacuation of the facility. Apparently..." He faltered briefly. "Apparently the instructors in charge of the trainees went to their evac stations and left the kids locked in their cells."

After a moment's pause, Alison moved again - sitting back in the chair, leaning forward just a bit this time as opposed to sinking down in it. She'd asked if there was more and he'd declined to offer information - she had truly, honestly meant it when she'd said he didn't need to go on. But now he'd chosen to do so. Paying attention was the only thing to do.

"There were eighteen of them and they all died." No, that wasn't quite right. "I killed them," Nathan said steadily. "Because I didn't stop to think... wasn't thinking at all, didn't care, whatever you want to call it." He realized he was sitting up painfully straight in his chair and made himself lean back a little. "Eighteen. More than the dead from Vermont and Leuven combined. I keep hoping they were drugged enough that they didn't feel anything when the building collapsed."

"The procedure," she said, each word carefully spoken, "is to evacuate all trainees." She refused to use the word Mistra used to classify the children in training. "If the intructors did not do so, it stand to reason that it was because they were ordered not to do so." It wasn't a question - nor was it an attempt to absolve of guilt. Alison knew only too well how she would feel in similar circumstances - and trying to take away guilt just now would be, in a way, diminishing Nathan. Mitigating guilt, well... maybe.

The next time she saw MacInnis, she was going to do something horribly out of character, something in the back of her mind decided.

"It doesn't really matter what they were or weren't ordered to do," Nathan said a bit stiffly. "Whether they panicked, or something else. I'm not..." Deep breath. "MacInnis was right to tell me. I should know these things. Keeps it all in perspective. And really..." He mustered a smile that wasn't a smile at all. "I suppose that I shouldn't be regretting those eighteen deaths any more than I do the other eighty-odd I was responsible for that day."

"Yes, you should know." Alison nodded - and that he knew now meant it couldn't be used against him later. "MacInnis was right to tell you. It'll take a bit more to convince me that his intent was entirely noble when he told you, though." Nuance. There was a definite nuance. "Regret isn't as easily quantifiable as that, I think. And... time affects things. Why shouldn't they be mourned fully? You just found out."

"I don't really have the right to mourn," Nathan said, his eyes dropping back to the USB drive. "I killed them out of pure stupid ignorance and carelessness."

"You're punishing yourself for something that was entirely out of your control." She sighed, the tiredness hovering nearby but not descending upon her yet. "I can't criticize - I'd probably be doing the exact same thing myself."

"Out of my control? I didn't have to go back to New Mexico in the first place." Nathan took a deep, shaky breath, biting back the rest of what he'd been about to say. "No what-ifs," he said a bit faintly. "Sorry. Anyway, that's it. MacInnis sniped a little more, but there were no other big revelations. He'd just... well, make references to operatives I'd killed while some of his people were within earshot. People as in the ones who used to be operatives themselves." Nathan tried to smile. "Predictable stuff, really."

Alison nodded - entirely what had been expected and had she really needed to ask? She pinched the bridge of her nose for a moment, unmoving. "Okay." Graceful retreat and all that, that was the ticket. Changing the subject somewhat would be a brilliant move. "I'll make sure the contacts you indicated for Tim will be allowed through the system, to a degree. Usual precautions and all that. So he can check in with you."

"Thank you," Nathan said very quietly. "I made him promise to do it on a regular basis. I'm... not as concerned as I was at first, but I'm still wanting to keep track of him as much as possible." His smile was more successful this time. "He really fits very well with MacInnis' ex-operatives, though. Like watching a bunch of puppies imprinting on their mother. Although he glared at me when I used that image."

"I think I'm going to tease him about that if I ever get the chance," Alison mused, lips quirking a touch at the mental image. The younger people really did have that air about them at certain times - and when not under fire. On the tail of that she reminded herself to email Mick, something which she'd been meaning to do all week but which had kept passing her by.

"He has no sense of humor," Nathan admitted, the smile lingering. "He never did. Well... no sense of humor that most people would recognize as one. I always appreciated it, though."

Well, a lot of people said Scott had no sense of humor, Alison reflected. And look what it got them in the long run. "Sneaky senses of humor are fine." Safer ground was too, just now. "Oh. I'm going to have a present for you soon."

Nathan raised an eyebrow. "A present. Is this the good kind of present, or the 'Oh, God, let me get a head start' sort of present?"

"Oh. You'll love it." Alison nodded wisely at that pronouncement, ignoring his skeptical look. "Absolutely love it. Won't be able to put it down."

"Now I'm scared," Nathan said, giving her a deadpan look. "Do I get advance warning so that I can run? If running is necessary, I mean... you'd play fair, wouldn't you?"

"As fair as you would," Alison informed him gravely, before pushing herself up to her feet. "And now I have files to go read through and you have papers to mark." Making a quick escape before he picked up what she was planning was most certainly a good idea, she decided.