Scott and Madelyn, Sunday morning

[x-cyclops.livejournal.com]

Madelyn stops by Scott's office with coffee - and peanut butter cups. She discovers there's been a little progress made overnight - Scott's no longer insisting that it can't be Jean - but he's still definitely not coping very well. He does however come with her to see Charles.


Madelyn knew Scott well enough by now to realise that when he had a crisis, his office was where he holed up. Carrying two mugs of coffee and a bag of peanut butter cups, she knocked on the door gently. "Scott? It's your regularly scheduled concerned friend."

Scott looked up from the computer, staring blankly at the door. Maddie. Maddie could come in. She was a redhead, but she wasn't Jean. "Come--come in," he called back a bit hoarsely.

Holding the plastic bag between her teeth as she opened the door, she tried to smile reassuringly. Not very effective with a bag in her mouth, she realised, closing the door behind her and taking the bag out before trying again. "Hey. I thought you might want some coffee, possibly some well-intentioned fussing," she said, keeping her tone light but sympathetic. She'd even tied her hair back, trying to hide the overt redness, knowing (and feeling) she looked something of a cheap knock-off Jean.

Scott swallowed, seeing the peanut butter cups. "Sugar?" he said with a weak smile. "You remembered what I said about sugar highs and me being a regular cheerful person when I was on them..."

"Hell, if I'd had a hand free I would have brought you a sun lamp as well," Madelyn joked gently, setting the coffees down on the desk and then passing him one. "Comfort food. It's a well-known medical fact that chocolate is the global panacea."

Scott reached out and took the coffee, his hand a little unsteady. "I actually managed to sleep a little last night," he said hoarsely. "Alex stayed...."

"Good. I wanted to check in, see if you needed some help with that, but well..." She shrugged a little. "Downstairs has been a little shellshocked." She pushed the bag of peanut butter cups over towards him. "Here. Stolen from Hank's personal stash, so you'd better appreciate it." Again that gentle, humorous tone, the same one she always used for him. Nothing had changed, she wanted to tell him.

Scott reached out, taking the bag. "I woke up and it was all still real," he said very quietly. "I'm not sure what to think about that."

"I don't think anyone knows what to think," Madelyn replied frankly, sitting down opposite him. "Disasters, those we know how to cope with, but this?" She made a helpless sort of gesture. "And I can't imagine what must be going through your mind right now, Scott. But I'm here, if you need me in any way. Even if it's to tell everyone to leave you the hell alone and put a 'do not disturb' sign on your door. You need time to process this."

"I wouldn't hermit," Scott said with a very feeble smile. "I know the inevitable end result of that. There's dragging out, and various other uncomfortable things..." He trailed off, looking away at the quiet sympathy with which she was regarding him. "Why am I not overjoyed?" he asked, his voice catching.

"Because you're in shock," she replied, but without her usual certainty. They didn't cover ressurrection in medical school. "You thought she was dead, and you grieved. It's expecting entirely too much to suddenly turn around and find that particular reality no longer applies."

"I kept..." His hands clenched involuntarily on the bag and he forced them to relax. Made them take out one of the peanut butter cups, unwrap it. "It's still in the back of my mind. That if she lived, that means I didn't find her. That I..." His voice caught in his throat again. "I imagine her carried away by the water, struggling for air, and there I was, safe on the Blackbird, thinking that she was gone..."

"Scott, the Professor didn't find her either, and he's got the power to find anyone on the planet," Madelyn reminded him. "She was dead - no-one could possibly have survived that." Setting aside her coffee, she reached over the desk for his hands, taking away the candy and holding onto him. "You couldn't have known."

He gazed across the desk at her, misery written all over his face. "You've told me that, Hank's told me that... I know how hard Charles searched for her. But I can't..." He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to steady his breathing. "I haven't seen her yet, you know? Since I saw her in the hallway. I just can't, Maddie, I don't know how I'm going to be able to look her in the eyes. How I explain that it's been two years, and I..."

"Scott, just breathe. Focus on that." Madelyn held onto his hands tightly, hoping her presence would bring some reassurance. "You do what you can when you can, Scott. No-one expects anything more of you."

He clutched her hands desperately, his grip almost painful. "I don't even see how to do this, Maddie," he said wildly. "And it's not fair to her, it's not her fault any of this happened."

"And it's not fair to you, either." Seeing him like this was bringing out a fierce protective feeling in her. Obscurely, she wished Jean had stayed in Vancouver. "Scott, it's not going to help her seeing you like this. Talk to Charles, let it sink in, give yourself _time_."

"Talk to Charles... I haven't yet," Scott said, his voice breaking. "Figured she needed him more than I did. And I don't..." He sighed raggedly, tears trickling silently down his cheeks. "I feel so selfish, Maddie. She lost her whole life, her identity, and I can't get my head out of my own ass for long enough to even be happy for her."

"Then you should." Getting up without letting go of his hands was awkward, but she wasn't going to lose that contact for a second, not when he was hanging onto her so hard. Moving around the desk to his side, she finally let go, only to wrap her arms around his shoulders. "It's not selfish," she murmured, heart aching for him. "You lost all that too, when she died. You're allowed to not deal with it."

Scott tried to answer her, but for a moment he couldn't force his voice out past the tightness in his throat, and he clung to her unashamedly, a sob slipping out instead. "I thought she was dead. I felt it... I thought I did... I never wanted to give up on her..."

"You didn't, hon. She was gone, we all thought she was." Madelyn soothed, holding on just as tightly. Charles, she thought. She was going to see Charles after this and they were going to work out how to help. "It's not your fault."

"I can't do this. I can't." There was an edge of real hysteria to his voice, and he held onto Maddie desperately, shaking. "It's too much, I don't know what to do..." Charles was still shielding the link, but he could still feel it there, the lack of the emptiness he'd gotten so used to...

Worry blossomed into deep concern, and she felt in her jacket pocket for the sedative she'd brought up with her. Good little Girl Scout. "Scott, hon, listen to me, you need to breathe. Nice and slow, focus on that, okay?" she told him, slipping into doctor mode effortlessly. Hopefully she wouldn't need the injection.

He heard the change in her tone and told himself to breathe, to pull himself the fuck together. Again. Had to stop doing this. Forcing it all down below the surface was harder than it should have been, far harder, but he managed it after a few moments. He gulped in air, straightening. "I'm okay," he said hoarsely, trying for a reassuring smile and not managing it.

"No, you're not, but that's okay," she said, rubbing his back gently, worry plain on her face. "Scott... will you come see Charles with me? I think it'd help."

He was going to need to, Scott thought rather fatalistically, then nodded at Madelyn. "I need to stop doing this," he said a bit dazedly. "Too much to do. I don't have time to be falling apart."

"It can be taken care of." She hugged him again, one arm around his shoulders, his arms still looped around her waist. "Remember that talk we had? After Vermont? You're valuable to us, but if you need the time, we can cover you. And if you ever needed the time, hon, now is it."

"Feel like I've lost my balance totally," he murmured faintly. "Like it's hard to stand up." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "I just wish... I wish I hadn't done so many things, Maddie."

"Then lean on us. That's what we're here for." What a mess, she thought to herself, stroking back the tousled brown hair. Scott didn't deserve this. "Don't start down that path, Scott, you know where it leads. The past is part, and well, there's nothing to be done to change it. But we can change things in the future."

"Do better?" Scott gave a hollow laugh, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment as they stung again. Damn it. What had happened to pulling himself together? "I keep telling myself that, Maddie, keep turning over a new leaf..."

"Maybe it's not you that needs to change, hon." Sometimes she hated this place, she really did. Seeing what it did to people, good people... The never-ending stress, the karmic boobytraps.

Scott took another deep breath, a bit steadier this time, and opened his eyes. "Coffee's gotten cold," he said heavily, his eyes lingering on the two cups. "It can't... get any crazier, at least. That much hit me. There's no beating your fiancee coming back from the dead."

"No, there really isn't." She couldn't help the small, wry smile at that. "Come on, let's go talk to Charles. There'll be tea. Hot tea." she wheedled.

He managed a ragged laugh. "He'll get out the Earl Grey. This is a special occasion, after all."

"Oh no, not that. Anything but the Earl Grey," she deadpanned, still not letting go. If anything, she gave his shoulders another squeeze. "We can always ply him with peanut butter cups and distract him..."

"Charles on a sugar high. Oh God. I don't think it's possible." And if he started laughing, he wasn't going to stop and that would probably disturb Maddie to no end. "Back way to his office?" he asked, and it came out almost as a plea. "I don't want the students... I look like hell, I know that."

"Hey, former FBI remember? We're good at sneaky." She pulled a kleenex from her pocket and handed it to him. "As well as the practical."