Log [Alison, Madelyn] - What if...

[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

Late morning. Madelyn, bored out of her skull from not being allowed to work (horror! absolute horror!) wanders off to find Alison, who is up in the attic keeping the local vegetation company. It's not hiding out if you're hanging out with the local flora, after all, and everyone knows the attic is the place to be. ;)

Madelyn was bored. No, she was more than bored, she was Bored. And still in certain amounts of pain, which made her irritable. She'd been chased out of the medlab yet again by Moira when she'd just been quietly compiling some reports, and had been told in no uncertain Scottish-accented terms that she wasn't to set foot in the lab again for the rest of the week except as a patient. The fact that the place was managing quite well without her was just rubbing salt into the wound, really.

With a sigh, she tossed aside the book she'd been staring at, and decided to find some distraction. But what? A grin crossed her face as she remembered a certain songbird and a definitely-delayed gossip session. Perfect. With a wince she got up, feeling every one of the healing bruises, and adjusted the sling. Oh how she was hating the sling. It made people look at her with that 'you poor wounded thing!' look. But enough of the self-pity. There were Alisons to track down and talk to.

The tracking down of Alisons proved to be something of a challenge - the usual spots ranging from her office to the music room were all bare of Alisons, though after one final attempt, the right locale was found. Hidden away in the attic, surrounded by the plants in Ororo's greenhouse, Alison was curled up on the shelf of the large round attic window, looking outside in the direction of the lake with a remote expression on her face. "Hi, Madelyn," she murmured, without looking back to see who it was.

"Hi." Damn. Al was definitely preoccupied. And given the losses she'd suffered, she was entirely justified. "Um, this is a bad time, obviously. I'll go and, um, find someone else to pester." Ugh, and how passive-aggressive did that sound? Not intentional, but dammit, it seemed like somehow she'd been left behind. The same as at Youra, stumbling across Tim and Mick once the dust had settled and everything done that needed doing. When all she'd been able to do was mourn, and even then felt like an interloper doing it. She hadn't been there, hadn't fought by Mick's side, hadn't been able to ease his passing. And it wasn't like she'd known him that well. Just another patient, really. Turning so Alison wouldn't see the suddenly brightening of her eyes, she looked down at her hands, the working one and the useless one. She couldn't even do that, now.

"Sit down," was all Alison said quietly, still looking out the window. At the rock near the lake where she'd been talking to Mick last week, which was far too poignantly easy to see from where she was sitting. She pulled in her legs a bit more tightly against herself, and smiled just a bit - he'd looked so very embarrassed at realizing he's shredded the front of her clothing. She'd have to tell Anika about that, someday. There was no doubt the story would be appreciated fully. "I'm sorry. For what you were cornered into doing, this weekend." Alison's gaze was focused on Madelyn now, clear and calm.

There was an old kitchen chair that had made its way up nearby - joining Alison on the shelf felt like too much of an invasion. The chair would hurt her back like hell, but so did most things at the moment. Like breathing. Or laughing. Easing herself into it, Madelyn finally considered the apology. "Cornered me into what? I'm afraid you've lost me."

"Shooting to kill."

The words hung in between them for a moment, Alison still looking at her steadily, though sadness was gradually piercing through. For all that Madelyn was an auxiliary to the team and invaluable at that, there were still certain basic things which set her apart. And being far more easily put in a situation where lethal force became her only option was one of them.

Okay, that was out of left field. "It wasn't your fault," she said quietly, cradling her bad arm with the good in that gesture that was becoming a habit. Protective thing. "If anyone's, it was whoever set off that trigger. From what I've seen of the post-op debriefings, it wasn't like I had an awful lot of choice in the matter, but you weren't the one who created the situation." She would have shrugged, only it seemed disrespectful to the girl whose life she had taken. "I'm sorry it had to be done, but I'm not sorry I did it." She wasn't sure how Alison would react to that, but Madelyn had long ago reconciled the doctor with the agent. Sometimes there were things that had to be done.

"I never said I thought it was my fault. Only that I was sorry you were faced with that choice." The dichotomy between what the X-Men were, and what some assumed they were seemed stronger than ever for some reason just now. We don't kill. It was why they were so determined to train Wanda more, to hone her powers further - so she would have that choice. Scott was working on new training alternatives for her, already. It was a choice Nathan had made, even if it meant him falling and possibly failing. She remembered that, the memory one which would always blaze bright in her mind, as with many others of that day. "It must be driving you insane, that." She nodded towards Madelyn's arm and the cast.

There was something, a sense of distance, of difference, and Madelyn sighed a little. There would always be a difference, she was realising. Not her doing, or Alison's, but that simple quirk of genetics that meant Alison could face that choice and make different decisions. And since that was the case, perhaps she had no place being there at all. She pushed aside the thought that maybe the medlab wasn't her place either, not with Jean back and better trained. "It is," she agreed ruefully. "Doctors always makes lousy patients."

"S'not what I meant either." This time Alison's lips quirked in amusement, a warmth growing in her eyes as she looked at Madelyn. There was worry there, as well. "I meant having to stand back and not do anything while there are people in the medlab. Friends you could be helping. It must be driving you," she paused, then went with the more colorful expression, if only to give Madelyn something to boggle at, "batshit insane." She paused for effect, the timing impeccable, and continued. "Yes, Haroun is a very bad influence."

"He's a bad influence on everyone," Madelyn said with a soft snort. "That obvious, huh?" she continued, her
expression reflecting the welter of emotions she'd been weathering since Saturday. Shock, the clinician
in her pointed out. Shock and post-traumatic stress, the conflicting moods were a clear sign of it. "It's
not just now, though that's bad enough," she admitted. "It was then, too. The only thing I could do after was help sort through the bodies, before I couldn't even do that any more..." She wouldn't mention Mick, not to Alison. There was a bond there, a sacred thing, and she wouldn't sully it with petty resentments.

"Madelyn?" A wan smile was offered, Alison unmoving from where she was, other than to perhaps edge to the side a bit - making more room. "Mind sitting next to me?" The other woman looked like she could use a hug and Alison had no qualms at all about getting someone to sit by her by any way she could - leaning was good, reminding herself that people were alive and well was good, and frankly hugs were good too. Even though she tended to spend long portions of her day along or lost in work - or her own thoughts - she still somehow ended up balancing out the quiet moments spent alone with other moments leaning on someone.

"Again with the obvious..." Madelyn remarked dryly, but pushed herself to her feet and sat by Alison, wincing as she forgot and leaned back against the corner of the wall. "For something that's supposed to be helping, all this resting involves far too much pain," she grumbled, checking her watch - too early for the pain meds.

"Obvious?" Alison frowned for a heartbeat, as though trying to puzzle out how Madelyn could have come to that conclusion. She waited until Madelyn had settled down, and then inched closer, not hesitating a moment as she sought some sort of physical contact. She'd always done that before and had been entirely consistent about doing that since the weekend, as well. "Geez, Maddie. We're only human," she murmured, leaning carefully, glad she had the good side next to her.

'Only human.' Some of them more than others. It hit her hard then, the helplessness, the grief, the sense that she was somehow intruding on something she wasn't a part of by having that grief. With a small choked sound Madelyn rested her head on Alison's shoulder, groping for her hand. "I wish I'd been there," she whispered, the tears escaping finally. "I know why I wasn't, but I still wish I had been."

A small shift, and it was easy to rest her own head on top of Madelyn's, to hold her hand with both of hers. "You're here now." She closed her eyes, sighing, blocking out the light even as the blazing sun of Youra still shone in her mind. "You were there with us then too, Madelyn." The last words were spoken barely above a whisper. "Hearts and souls. We're all tied together in this. All of us."

Madelyn didn't feel tied into anything. "I was too late," she said, her voice coming out a whimper. "For Mick, for Tim... For Anika and Nate. And by the time I got to the Blackbird, it was pretty much find a seat in the corner out of the way and let everyone else get to it." Her shoulder throbbed, reminding her of just how useless she'd been then.

"Funny," Alison said, stroking her hand gently. "I remember hearing about someone diving right into the middle of everything and pulling a very badly wounded Sam out of danger before he got killed." She sighed, softly. "We can't be everywhere and we can't do everything." She turned a bit, to look at Madelyn pensively. "This isn't just about what happened on Youra, is it?"

She was being silly, Madelyn knew. It didn't help make her feel any better, but she recognized it, at least. Alison was right, she couldn't do everything, as much as she wanted to. "It's stupid," she replied in a small
voice. "I thought I got this out of my system when you were hurt, but apparently not." With a sigh, she took her hand back only long enough to wipe her face before reaching for Alison's hands again. She was turning into such a contact junkie. "I can't help feeling that I shouldn't have been there at all. Certainly not putting myself in danger. Hank's right, I'm more vulnerable than you guys are. You needed someone else, with powers as well as the medical skills, someone like..." The name stuck a little in her throat before slipping out. "Jean."

"Hank was there as well, as our medic," Alison reminded her. The mention of Jean didn't come as a great surprise, for some reason - everything about Jean had been more prevalent, of late. What she'd done, how successful she'd been, everything she'd achieved. "Jean on the field, right now, would be more a liability to herself and to others, than anything else. I'm not trying to be harsh - it's just how things are. She's the last person we'd need out in the field." Holding on to Madelyn's hand, she went on. "Yes, your lack of powers in situations where powers can tip the scales and give someone more latitude does make things touchier. No getting around that. But Madelyn..." she sighed, shaking her head a bit. "You're the only one I can think of who could have cut through the red tape and gotten things organized to smoothly with the government for us. Well." A dry chuckle escaped her. "Except maybe Charles, mm? Which has nothing to do with powers and everything to do with the man, anyway."

"I'm being ridiculous." It came out more heavily than Madelyn intended. Really, she was - she was a good doctor, and a good investigator. She had no reason to feel second-fiddle to Jean. "I know Jean wasn't able to go out this time, but it's not to wonder if she'd been able to, maybe things would have been different, there at the end." She shook her head a little. "No, that's not it exactly, I don't do might-have-beens, it's a waste of time. It's just ever since she's been back, all I've been hearing from Hank and Moira is how wonderful it is. And it is, I certainly don't think she should have never have come back, but seeing what it's doing to Scott, and seeing how well she slots into place down there..." Her place, she added in the depths of her mind. Jean had taken her empty spot rather effectively, doing as well - no, better - than she ever had. "And she'll get control of her powers back eventually and you'll have the whole package again."

"Well. Not going to say you're being ridiculous. I'd hate it if someone told me that, myself. But Madelyn? I don't even know if Jean wants to get back to team status yet. And even if she did? She can't do what you do for us." She'd probably be able to take over what Alison had been doing for HeliX though, she supposed. It had been nice to be needed by the kids, for a while. Oh well. "It's why I jumped on the chance to have you help us on the investigation side of things, after well... being sure you were sure." The last was said a touch sheepishly. "I didn't want to look grabby and all, though I guess I did pounce a lot, didn't I?" She smiled a bit, at the memory. "Nothing's changed since then, you know?"

"I'm being greedy, I know. Getting all territorial over something that isn't really mine." Madelyn chuckled wryly, aware of how insane she was sounding. All over the place and jumping from topic to topic - classic signs of stress. If she'd been her own patient she'd be advising a break of some kind. "And I don't really begrudge her any of it, whether she ends up back in the field or on the team or even just stays in the medlab." It was hard to put into words, it really was. "It's like having a big sister you never knew existed suddenly come back and be better at everything that you thought made you special, you know?"

"We each want to find our own place in the grand scheme of things." There was no censure in her voice and her lips quirked slightly. "Should have seen me when I got here. Fish out of water, all I wanted was to get back to my career somehow, anyhow. And it was gone - no going back. And I didn't fit in here, didn't..." She took a slow breath, and let it out gently. "You're very good at what you do, Madelyn. I'm alive today, partially because of your efforts." And so many others, none of which she'd ever forget - she'd find a way to thank them somehow, one day. Somehow. "No one can take away all that is you. You're more than just a doctor or just an FBI Agent. You're... Madelyn."

"Madelyn the doofus," the other woman said with a small laugh, taking a breath and willing all this... insanity just to go away. "I never used to doubt myself like this. Not before Iceland, any way. I should... how do the kids put it? Suck it up. Accept my limitations, concentrate on my strengths and stop feeling like there's something wrong with me because I can't save the world." She gave Alison a strained smile. "I'll be okay. Post-trauma insanity - I'll see if Leonard doesn't have a free spot for me sometime this week."

"Seeing Leonard is good." He specialized more in children and adolescent psychology, but she knew he took on some of the adults as well, sometimes. "You should have tea with Charles, too." There was hint of amusement at that. She wouldn't be surprised if an email ended up in Madelyn's inbox sooner or later, anyway. He was checking up on everyone, in his own way. "I've seen him already, myself. It's... just tea. And talking. It's nice. Calm." So blessedly calm.

"Well the normal coping mechanism of keeping myself busy has sort of fallen by the wayside - the initial clean up work's underway with the taskforce, but a little bird pointed out I wasn't up for full duties yet and my email's dried up," Madelyn said dryly. Damn Fred and his nosiness. "I've been thinking Charles was going to be knocking figuratively on my door sometime soon. I think he was just waiting until I'd sit still long enough." She looked at Alison then, really looked, seeing the strain and care and grief there. "Calm's a good thing all 'round, I think," she said, giving Alison's hand a squeeze. "Forgive the crazy bored doctor who just dumped everything in your lap?"

"Well, it's not like you're in my lap." The joke was easy and Alison didn't even try to resist, smiling faintly. "I'm glad you're talking to me. I'd rather that than worrying for the not knowing. I'm glad you're going to talk to Leonard. And probably get ambushed by Charles when you turn a corner and least expect. It's..." she took a shallow breath, trying to keep everything at bay, just a bit. "Mm." It was a small sound, all she could manage for a moment, and she leaned against Madelyn quietly until things settled, slowly.