Jubilee and Amanda Log

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

When: Monday 4th April Time: 2am
Who: Jubilation Lee, Amanda Sefton
What Happens?: Jubilee, worried about Amanda after Manuel's post to the journal system goes looking for her.



Jubilee had been trying to track down Amanda for the last half hour before she figured to try the Library. Or, one of the disused parts of the library that is. She knew that Amanda had some kind of workroom or something back here somewhere.

She started opening doors till she came to one that was locked and knocked. "Mandy, you in there?"

Amanda sighed. Bloody ward was failing - it should have never have let her get close enough to knock. Her concentration was slipping. Still, hopefully if she didn't answer, Jubilee would go away, even if there was a small part of her that was gratified that she'd thought to look. She'd made the mistake of checking the journals a little while ago, and Manuel's post and the comments that followed only made the acidic burn in her stomach worse.

Nice to know she was being irrational about this. Apparently blood always won out, in the end. What she'd done for Manuel, what they'd done for each other... none of that mattered. Curled on the small sofa, she rested her forehead on her knees and willed the other girl to just go away. She didn't want sympathy, she didn't want someone to try and gently explain family loyalty. She just wanted to go.

Jubilee stood for a second, her hand pressed against the door after she received no answer. She knew Amanda was in there, even if she wasn't entirely sure why she knew. She just did. Maybe there was breathing or something? Or maybe places changed their feeling when there was someone around.

She'd just always been able to tell when somewhere was occupied. Made it easier not to step on someone's territory that way. "Not going to go away, you know." she said softly, placing her back to the door and sliding into a sitting position. "Just need to know you're okay, or as okay as you can be right now."

Okay? She was so far from being okay it wasn't funny. She was watching her life fall apart, destroyed by that same bastard who'd targeted her family, feeling crushed by the weight of every responsibility and secret she'd had to carry. Her eyes burned with tears she still refused to shed - she was damned if Kurt found her in a soggy heap when the time to leave finally came 'round. Not to mention the satisfaction it would give Manuel.

Jubilee leaned her head back against the door, closing her eyes as she thought of what she might say. She'd read Manuel's post, and thought of her own family, what her Grandfather might have said.

Someone like Alphonso would have been killed long ago if he were a member of the Lee family. She knew basically nothing about the man except what had been mentioned in passing but if rumours were anywhere near the truth, well...you didn't clutch a serpent to your breast and hope it wouldn't bite you.

Gah, she was starting to sound like a Chinese fortune cookie. Her Grandmother would have been amused.

"You want some cookies? I stole some from the kitchen. Got this like, huge munchies attack and all but I think I grabbed too many for just one person."

How long had she been in here, any way? Hours, definitely - after talking to Angelo, she'd come straight back here, not even pausing in the kitchen to grab supplies. The longer she stayed in the open, the more chance of someone catching up with her and trying to talk her into staying, or try and tell her to see things from Manuel's perspective. The hypocrisy of that thought nearly made her snort aloud. She'd spent their entire relationship seeing things from his perspective, bending over backwards to support him, defend him from the rest. She'd given up so much, spent so much of herself on him, and this was how he was repaying her.

Jubilee pushed the cookies under the door and pulled out the book she'd been reading recently. It was small; thin enough to fit in her back pocket, one of the books on manners that Hank had given her. She'd been hiding them in her room, not really wanting anyone to know she was reading them. She didn't...she was afraid they'd laugh.

She didn't even know if Amanda was really in there, she could be talking to an empty room.

"Did you know, Hank gave me these books to read, ones on manners and stuff. Said that maybe it'd help me figure out when I was steppin' wrong and stuff. It's helped lately, when things got hard. But there's some things I know without bein' told. Like ya don't leave someone that's hurtin'. So, I'm gonna sit here, an read, ya know? I ain't lookin' to convince you not to leave, or tell ya that you're wrong. Just, don't think ya should have to wait out the time till ya go alone. S'not right, not here. Here's where people come ta get away from that. Bein' alone, I mean."

When did Lee get so fucking perceptive? Except that was exactly what she wanted, to be alone for a while. To have the space away from everyone else's demands and needs and even the well-meaning intentions and be able to _think_. To decide what to do with the rest of her life. Glancing over at the cookies, her stomach rumbled, and she told it mentally to shut the hell up.

Jubilee opened the book, smiling at the pictures. She could imagine Marie-Ange's comments about picture books for babies. Her hands tightened on the edges of the book, face blank as she ran through one of the meditation techniques Alison had shown her.

She swept away the anger, smiling at that small victory. It was getting harder to lose her temper now.

"You know, family honour ain't all it's cracked up to be. Although, don't tell my Grandfather that, he'd have a heart attack. He's still havin' a hard time dealin' with the fact that he's Great Granddaughter is an American. Totally threw him for a loop. But yeah, I think even though there's history and blood and all that honour stuff. Well, sometimes it doesn't mean anythin' if the person you're talkin' all that stuff up about was a complete bastard. It ain't honourable ta kill an old man, that's for sure." Jubilee said, turning the page.

What the fuck was family honor any way? Something that you invoked to get away with shite? An excuse to run roughshod over people? True, Amanda was going back to her own family, but to her they were more a bunch of people she didn't know that well who felt some obligation to shelter her. She'd felt a pang at finding her father was dead, but only because she'd never gotten the chance to meet him. Nothing more than that, no mystical tie.

"You know somethin'? I never really gave any of the people they put me with after my parentals died a chance. Didn't want replacements, ya know? When I found out I had other family, it was kinda strange. There was all this stuff I was supposed to know. An maybe if my folks had been alive, then they'd have taught me. S'just like here, really. Only, maybe my family was a little lighter on me cause I'd been raised in America, so I couldn't be held responsible for my complete lack of knowledge. My cousin told me I shouldn't worry too much about it all, that I'd learn as I went along." she said, not really caring anymore that she might be talking to thin air.

In some ways, it was easier to talk this way. She didn't have to worry about offending anyone, even if Amanda was in there. "I like my Grandfather, even if he is a cranky shit. He doesn't really show anyone kindness but you can tell he cares, even so."


It was actually sort of soothing, Jubilee's voice outside the door. Better than listening to her own churning thoughts, at any rate. Or trying to ignore the numb portion of her mind where the link was cut off - the moment Manuel had walked into the Box it had gone dead. She supposed it would be the same for her with Margali. Getting in touch with a heritage she knew nothing about. Hmm, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, going there - for one intense moment; Amanda wished fervently the Pack had been contactable. True they'd have been the obvious choice after Romany, but in a strange way they were family in the same way Nathan and Moira and Angelo were. Amanda bit her lip, the tears welling again and despite her efforts overflowing. Nate. She'd seen his journal entry too - some part of her had made her look, to see the damage she'd caused.

"They forgive, you know." Jubilee said, looking down at the pictures and thinking about all the things she still had to learn. "Family always forgive you. What Manny said, all that stuff? That's just things. Real family doesn't obligate you. It doesn't cast you out because you make mistakes. Real family teaches you, holds you steady while you learn to walk. Then lets you go when you need to run. Cause they know you'll be back, an they're okay with giving you freedom, cause your happiness is theirs and vice versa. That's real family, that's what a blood bond is."

That was what she thought she'd had with Manuel was, would be. And that's what Pete and Romany had given her. Even through the addiction, Pete hadn't given up on her, not once. And she'd do the same for him. He'd risked so much for her, saved her from Rack, from herself... Why couldn't anyone see that? Why were they taking Manuel's side in this, saying they were sorry a man who had filmed her being beaten was finally dead?

She closed her eyes, leaning back further into the door as she breathed deeply. If she was going to be here awhile, might as well get some meditation practice out of it.

"You know, Alison still helps me with meditation. Even after everythin' I said to her this one time. I don't think people like to give up on others, even if they've done so much horrible shit you'd think they'd never get better. Maybe it's easier to care about everyone, then ta try and choose. Cause, what if you made a mistake, ya know? What if you gave up on someone that you shouldn't have? Easier to just not give up on anyone."

She didn't know who was giving up on who. Manuel had threatened her with his powers. She couldn't get away from that fact. He'd thrown everything they meant to each other away for some stupid _concept_. He'd told her to leave, with contempt in his voice, and if she hadn't, she didn't want to think what he might have done.

But even after that, she still loved him. He understood her, had been there for her so often when she needed him to. A small muffled sob escaped her before she could stop it - she didn't want to lose him, not like this.

Jubilee heard the sob and shook her head, wishing she could get past the door. But as she tried the knob, she knew it wouldn't turn. She leant her forehead against the door, her palm pressed up against it.

"It's not your fault, Mandy. You didn't make any of this happen."

She wished she could say something comforting but there really wasn't anything. She couldn't say Manny would get over it because she couldn't speak for how he would cope with this.

"You are comin' back, aren't ya? Can't continue this whole winnin' streak of not beatin' each other up if ya leave for good, can we?"

But it was her fault. She'd kept it from him, she'd put family before love, hadn't trusted him, not when it counted. And the worst part was that it had been the right decision, not telling him. If she had, he could have gotten Pete killed, easily. His family honour was that important. She wished someone had taken that decision out of her hands. How do you tell your boyfriend your relationship got someone killed?

That you wished you'd never loved in the first place? Because sitting here, in this dim study, that was what she was starting to realise. Love wasn't enough, not this time.

Maybe it would be better if she never came back. They'd forget her soon enough.

"Not gonna let you just lose touch." Jubilee stated firmly. "Even if ya never come back here, I'll still e-mail ya. Sure, I don't know where ya goin' but that don't mean I wouldn't e-mail ya every day till I drove you absolutely crazy. I'm good at bein' annoyin'. s'kinda my schtick, ya know?"

Good thing she was leaving the laptop behind. Hell, she'd have left the phone too, except for Alison's condition. And she couldn't ditch it, either - the last thing she wanted was the X-men dropping on her when she least expected it. Maybe after long enough she could just cut her ties. It'd be for the best, all round. She'd bring less trouble to the ones she still cared about, and Manuel had mad his feelings clear. She wouldn't fight him, not this time. Not when doing so risked him losing everything by using his powers on her.

She wished the anger would come back. Anger was easier to deal with than this feeling of loss.

Jubilee sank back on the floor, closing her eyes again. She was feeling tired, she couldn't remember the last time she hadn't stayed up till some stupid hour in the morning. She'd just take a nap here, if Amanda wasn't going to come out. But she wouldn't leave, not till Amanda had. She could do that much for her, even if she couldn't fix the broken things.

Jubilee had fallen silent, but she was still there - Amanda could sense her presence against the wards. And in some strange way, it was comforting. She might be leaving, but at least she wasn't doing it alone.