A brief moment at the end of March...

[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

You find a way to tell someone things, even if it has to wait a little while, no matter how much you wish it were otherwise. In this case, Alison chooses to keep a diary of sorts. Something to bring out into the light, when the time is finally right.

Flashback

The words she wrote would go into a safe, to be kept away from all and sundry until the right time came. And even then, only a few people would get to see what she'd written over the weeks and months. She hoped, fervently so, that it wouldn't be over the years. She wasn't even sure she could handle months of this, never mind years. The thought was too much to contemplate, so she bent her head over the rich, cream colored paper and made the first mark, a black line running down to form the first letter on the page.

There was a brief pause and then sound of the fountain pen's nib soon flowing regularly over the paper tickled her hands, but she paid it no mind, the flood of emotions shifting into words that were perhaps not the most graceful or the most eloquent - but they spoke the truth, where and when she could at least. As best as it could be done in light of the circumstances which had brought her to this.

It would have to do.

~*~

March 31st, 2005

I don't want to care anymore. I wish I could not care, oh so much that sometimes I can almost taste it... but of course, I know better than to expect that to happen. I guess I don't even really want it to happen, either, deep down within. No matter how easier it might make things. I know I can do some good, on the individual people level. But it seems like for the most part, all the good I could do has been done. It's over with, anything else is just me beating my head on a wall of static unchanging fact. It doesn't matter how much I care, how much I love, how much I try - I can't change anything there anymore. I've been pushed away time and time again, ignored or placated with nothing changing at all, in the end. And I can't help, can I? Not unless someone wants me to. At least... some, thankfully, still do - precious few of them, but some still do.

For the rest... Others can take care of what I can't do. There's always someone who listens better, who is shinier and newer. Who can make it all better in a short time, with a magical wave of a wand, with a few words that have been said myriad times before but that finally matter - perhaps simply because they don't come from me.  My songs used to reach millions of people, but my words can't even get through to those I care for and live for every day.

I'll just have to settle for doing something else.

So, I'm going to concentrate on the big picture. Maybe I can do something there, again. Something like what we did in Youra. But this something... it won't ever been really seen or felt, and there won't be any knowing of it over all when the time comes and something has changed, just maybe because of what I started.

But that's not important. That it will change things for the better, hopefully, is. That it will make things better for those I love, all of them at once, even if they never know or realize - that's what matters. No matter how scared I am this won't even work, I have to try.

It's what I can do. It's all I can do. And it will have to do.

I hope.

I still hope.



~*~

Note ~ this was written near the end of March OOCly in timing as well, to illustrate Alison's state of mind going into the following half-year or so. I'm posting it only now as it goes with a set of logs dated for April 2nd which will be posted soon as well...