Amanda, Nathan - Friday evening
Apr. 22nd, 2005 08:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsAmanda stops by Nathan and Moira's suite wanting to sort out the legal nitty gritties of Meggan's situation. Nathan asks some rather searching questions.
It was the first time in weeks that he could honestly say he was at least semi-comfortable. Not entirely comfortable, mind you - that was probably too much to ask - but he and Moira had carefully arranged the pillows on the couch into the most comfortable placement possible, and as it had been a solid hour since his last painkillers, they were at the height of their effectiveness. This was, Nathan thought, almost relaxed, about as good as it got these days. His head was a bit fuzzy, but not too bad; Jean had suggested a different painkiller that turned out to work just as well, with fewer side effects.
It was getting easier to leave Meggan with other people, albeit for short periods of time - each time Amanda left and returned, it seemed to further convince her little foundling that she would come back. Not that Amanda was making a habit of abandoning her, but there were things that needed doing that were easier without Meggan in tow, especially the highly emotional matters, like her conversation with Manuel. This evening's talk wasn't intended to be an angry one, but considering there had been a whole lot left unsaid the last time, Amanda didn't doubt it would be a little emotional, on her part at least. So after giving Meggan her dinner and her evening bath, she'd left her with Kurt for some overdue playtime with her 'uncle' and made her way to Nathan and Moira's suite. She hoped they were both there, but what she found when she tapped at the door was Nathan onhis own. "Um, hey," she said, pausing in the doorway after his response to her knock. "Can I talk t' you for a minute?"
"So long as you don't actually ask me to sit up," Nathan said wryly, his eyes moving to where she stood in the doorway. "I'm too comfortable at the moment. Do you know how long it's been since I could say that?" Okay, so maybe the drugs were making him a little chirpy. There was nothing wrong with that, was there? "Come on in," he said, when she kept standing there. "There are plenty of chairs. Pick one - the couch is mine."
"Good t' see you're feelin' better. Um, remember when you said you'd be that listenin' ear?" Amanda asked once she'd settled herself in one of the arm chairs close by. "I could really use some advice. Legal stuff, mostly, t' do with Meggan. I need t' sort out papers an' stuff, as well as her bein' at the school."
Nathan chuckled dryly. "Yeah, I'd say you do. You do realize you smuggled her over international borders, yes?" Before Amanda could respond to that, he shook his head a little, barely moving it. "It's all right - something like that can be sorted out. This is where Charles and his contacts come in handy. But you're right, there is a lot that needs to be done, legally speaking." He raised a hand, ticking off items. "Establishing an identity for her, arranging for someone to have legal custody - and that's not going to be you, kiddo, I'm afraid - and making the arrangements for her to be legally in the country."
"Well, Pete wasn't around t' sort out papers like he did for me, an' the Pack was out as well," Amanda pointed out with a small shrug. "She wasn't ever registered as bein' born, far as I know - fuck, I don't even know where she was born, an' I doubt those bastard Grgics'll tell me. So yeah, I need help with all that stuff. An' I sort of worked out I wouldn't be able t' have legal custody - I'm not legal meself, an' I doubt Pete's papers'd stand up t' court."
"It's going to take some time," Nathan said, shifting a little on the couch. "Time, and work... and you need to figure out just who is going to have legal custody of her. Your papers wouldn't hold up, even if you were older." He eyed her for a long moment, wondering if this was the time to say some of the things that hadn't been said back at the beginning of the week. "Why do you think you can do this?" he asked, his tone considerably gentler than the words themselves might have suggested.
She'd been half expecting someone to ask her that - hell, Margali had pretty much implied the question with every conversation since that first morning. "Because she trusts me t' be able to do it," she replied after a moment's thought. "'Cause she needs someone, an' I'm the one she's picked. I'll need help - fuck knows I'll need that - but... I can do this, Nate. I can be her mum, if that's what she wants me t' be."
He raised an eyebrow, regarding her with a cool, assessing look he had rarely, if ever directed at her. "What precisely did you resolve, while you were gone?" he asked, patiently. "Your guilt over what happened to Pete's father? Your worries about Pete? The mess that is you and Manuel? Your resentment at having too much asked of you?"
She returned the look with a slight jut of her jaw. "Pete did what he wanted t' do," she said. "Nothin' I could've said or done would've changed that. As for Manuel... we've talked, an' I don't know what's gunna happen, but it's not gunna get in the way of Meggan. She's the one that counts, now." She gave him a wry half-smile. "I know how this looks, Nate. I run off 'cause I can't handle things, an' come back with even more demands on me. But this... it feels right, that's all I can say. Meggan... she needs me t' be strong. You an' Pete, an' even Manuel, you don't. You're there t' put me back together when I can't cope, an' that can't keep goin' on. But I won't do it for meself, not yet - I've never learned how t' value meself like that, an' as long as it's just for me, I'm not goin' to. 'S probably a horrible bloody reason for me t' do this, but I won't let her down, Nate. Not like Rom did t' me."
"I know this isn't a normal situation, even by the standards we've established around here. I also know that the similarities to your own background have to be doing all kinds of things to your head," Nathan said pointedly. "And you're right, Amanda - it does look bad. You ran off because you had a failure of coping skills. Given the situation, you had a certain amount of justification, and given your age and background, we don't expect you to be able to handle crushing amounts of stress with no difficulty at all." He went on evenly. "Meggan may not involve as many crises as other people in your life have, but she would be a constant demand. On you, on your time, on your energy... there'd be no more excuses not to handle things well. No more needing time out to get your head together. You can't take a break from a child."
"So what're you sayin'? I give her up? Let someone else take her?" Amanda shook her head. "I won't. An' I can't - she trusts me, Nate. She looks on me as her mum. I won't just dump her 'cause it's too bloody hard. I can't let her down."
"I'm saying be aware," Nathan said, almost flatly. Part of him didn't want to be this harsh with her, but these were things she needed to hear, even if only the once. "If you do this, it's going to be bloody hard, and it's never going to stop being bloody hard. There can't be any more falling off the wagon. Your own needs, your whole life outside her is going to have to take second place."
"If that's what it takes, then that's what I'll do. On me own, if I have to, tho' I'd like t' think me family'll help me." Amanda's face had taken on that stubborn cast. "I've thought about all this, Nate. Fuck, Margali hit me with some of that stuff as well. I'm scared shitless I'll fuck up, but you know somethin'? It's not me that'll get hurt if I do. An' that makes it all the more important that I don't."
"You'd like to think?" Nathan gritted his teeth and pulled himself up to a sitting position. It was less awkward than it had been even a few days ago, but straightening around on the couch was a less successful move, and considerably more painful. "Don't give me that, Amanda," he said a bit harshly. "Doing it yourself isn't an option. You know that already, or you would never have brought her back here." He went on, his voice ragged from the pain. "You're going to need to introduce her to Samson, too, once we've got the language problem closer to being solved. And you may not be happy with Charles these days, but if Moira does establish for sure that part of Meggan's mutation is empathic or some other form of psi, you're going to need to consult with him, too. Extensively." A sudden jolt of something close to outright fear hit him, and his eyes snapped back to hers. "Not Manuel. No advice from Manuel, if that's the case. Promise me."
Manuel? The absurdity struck her, and she barked out a harsh, bitter laugh. "Meggan can't stand the sight of him, Nate. First time they met, she bit him, remember? I wouldn't let him do anythin' with her, even if he wanted to." She sighed and rubbed her hands over face. "I can't do this alone, I know that Nate. 'S why I came back. But I won't give her up, no matter what anyone says, not unless I'm in danger of hurtin' her. An' if people try t' make me, well, this ain't the only place in the world. Rom an' the coven'd help, if I asked 'em. Fuck, I could always go back t' Margali. I came back here 'cause it's the best place for her, an' I'll sort out Samson an' the Professor an' someone t' be her legal guardian since I can't be, an' all the rest of it, but I won't give her up. I doubt she'd let me, even if I tried."
"Right now, he doesn't," Nathan said, a bit curtly, but left it at that. Amanda knew perfectly well of Manuel's craving for the company of his own kind, just like she knew that her relationship with him had been on and off at the best of times. If they ever did resolve this, he would just have to watch how things developed. "Also? When you talk to Charles and Samson, don't say anything about smuggling her back over international borders if she's removed from your care, for pity's sake." He gave Amanda a steady look. "If you're going to secure her future by giving her a legal existence, you have to play by the rules. Focus on your commitment to doing what's best for her... give them specifics about how you plan to do that. In fact, I'd do that in writing. A plan of care is the technical term - outline what she needs from who around here, that sort of thing. That's something you can develop in consultation with the people who'd be helping you, but doing it would prove that you're acting on more than simply emotional motivations here."
What was it with people not listening to what she'd said? 'Even if he wanted to' she'd said, and she'd meant it. Manuel would not be involved in anything to do with Meggan, not after that scene in the kitchen. And if that meant they couldn't be together, then that would be what she'd have to accept. "All right," she said, in response to Nathan's suggestion to write everything down. It'd take her a while, and she'd have to get a couple of people to check it over for her before she went to the Professor. "I'll do that - I need t' sit down with Alison an' ask her a bunch of questions any way, an' Moira's good for the medical stuff an' powers trainin', an' you for the schoolin', yeah? I'll jump through whatever hoops that's needed. But," and here she leaned forward, face filled with determination. "I don't want the Professor bein' her legal guardian. I know this is his place, an' he's responsible for a lot of the kids here, but after what happened with Pete, I don't..." It was going to sound bad, no matter how she put it, but it needed saying. "I don't trust him t' do right by me family."
Nathan took a deep breath, ignoring the pain in his ribs. He was not going to snap at her. Really. "Let's try that again, Amanda," he said as patiently as he could. "Not 'I don't want Charles to be her legal guardian.' Try 'I would like fill-in-the-blank to be her legal guardian, because they are qualified in X ways and would be able to provide X assistance.'" He didn't break eye contact with her. "Constructive," he said crisply. "Positive. What you believe should be done, not what shouldn't be done."
Amanda restrained the urge to retort, and instead nodded. "Sorry," she said, a touch meekly. "I spend so much time fightin' people 'bout stuff, I don't really know how t' do it any other way. But I'll try an' learn, if you'll help." Biting her lip, she thought about the issue at hand. "I haven't had a chance t' talk t' you an' Moira 'bout it, but I was thinkin'- hopin' really - that you'd be her legal guardians. You've both had kids before, an' you've got one on the way, an' you'd do good by her if anythin' happened t' me, I know you would. 'Sides, you're both up there as the first people I go to t' ask 'bout stuff, so might as well make it official, yeah?" She offered him a small, hopeful smile at the end. Before this conversation she'd had no doubt Nathan would say 'yes', but with all this talk of responsibility and the way he'd been smacking her down - with cause, she knew that - now she wasn't sure. Maybe it was too much responsibility for them, too much to ask of them.
Nathan breathed deeply again, letting some of the tension go with it. "You know that she and I will be there to help, no matter how this all gets resolved," he said more quietly. "As for the legal stuff... it's ironic, but I have the same problem as Meggan. I don't have a legal identity either, not really. Hopefully that's something that's going to be ironed out now that the government has access to all of Mistra's files, but between that and my past, I wouldn't be seen as suitable as a guardian." He straightened a little, wincing. "Moira's a different matter. Given her field of expertise, and Meggan's situation... that, plus who she is and her unimpeachable reputation and extremely secure financial situation..." He smiled crookedly. "Better candidate. By far. But you and I would have to talk to her about that together."
That made sense. And she'd wanted Moira as well, but if she couldn't get both, Moira would more than do. "I'll email you both an' sort out when we can sit down an' talk 'bout this," she agreed. "I was hopin' today, but she's been so busy with stuff." Now the hard part was done, she felt some of her own tension beginning to recede, which made her wish for a cigarette. She'd cut down, since finding Meggan, but couldn't quit entirely. Not yet, at least. "The money thing... I'd be able t' provide for her, if the Istanbul money was free, but most of it's tied up in that trust. An' I can't work an' finish school an' look after her." She sighed. "Don't wanna owe anythin' t' anyone, but I can't see any other way out, 'cept for droppin' out of school. 'Specially since I failed me exams by not bein' here t' take 'em."
"I think that you not dropping out of school would probably be a condition for making this work," Nathan said, "and as for the money thing... I have more money than I know what to do with, and Moira's finances frighten and awe me." He thought for a moment. "It would make sense to set up a trust for Meggan, as well. Easy to do, and it would be there for her as she got older, too."
"I don't..." Amanda stopped her protest, knowing it was the only sensible thing to do. As much as she wanted to stick by the responsibility she had taken on, she knew quitting school at this juncture, without even a high school equivalency, would be stupid. And it wasn't like the Pack would take her on with a kid. "Thank you," she said quietly. "You've done so much for me already, an' now you're doin' it for Meggan. I just wish there was a way I could pay you back someday."
Nathan gazed back at her, silent for a long moment. "You're welcome. I've... been hard on you here," he said quietly, "but it's not because I want to make things more difficult for you, or shake your confidence. I want to see both of you thrive, and I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is, both figuratively and literally." His eyes drifted away from hers. "Love is the basis for all of it - it has to be - but she deserves as close to a normal life as we can give her, too. And that takes an entirely different kind of work... different compromises, different sacrifices." He smiled tiredly. "You have to think your way through all of this, Amanda, not just feel. That's the key. You can't be a successful parent unless you do it on both levels."
She gave him a wry smile. "Don't worry 'bout it. Seems I only listen when someone's kickin' my arse - you should hear Remy's pep talks some time. 'S like I don't believe in what's bein' said unless someone's hittin' me over the head with it. But I'm not so stupid or selfish that I'll put Meggan at
risk just 'cause I'm bein' stubborn." On impulse, she came over to him and perched on the arm of the couch, resting her hand gently on his good shoulder. "I can think as well as feel. This place tends t' make me forget that, what with all the emotions bein' flung 'round the place, but I can do it." She didn't mention the talk with Remy after she'd arrived in Germany, but that was part of it too. Being strong, being a bastard, as he'd put it - it involved her thinking before feeling, prioritising things better. "Just out of practice, is all."
"I don't want you to think I don't see how determined you are to do this, and do this right, either. Or how much you love her." Nathan said after a moment, relaxing a little. "It counts for a lot. If you don't have that, you can do everything that has to be done, but it's all empty in the end." He offered her a slightly steadier smile. "It's going to take a lot of work, but we'll get it all sorted out. We will. Even if it takes me a little while to shake the rust off my law degree..."
Amanda chuckled. "Be good for you t' use it now and again," she teased. Then she looked around, attitude suddenly becoming businesslike. "Got a pen an' some paper? I want t' get started on these lists, while it's still fresh in me head. If you're up for it, that is," she added, giving him that assessing look medlab people were so good at. She'd done good work with the healing spells, she realised. Maybe slow was better than barging in and healing everything at once.
Nathan eyed the desk. A sheaf of paper and a pen floated over to land gently in Amanda's lap. "We can consider it a first draft," he said, relaxing further. "Or even brainstorming..." He smiled at her. "You know her better than anyone else," he said, quietly but firmly. "What would you say is the highest-priority need she has right now?"
It was the first time in weeks that he could honestly say he was at least semi-comfortable. Not entirely comfortable, mind you - that was probably too much to ask - but he and Moira had carefully arranged the pillows on the couch into the most comfortable placement possible, and as it had been a solid hour since his last painkillers, they were at the height of their effectiveness. This was, Nathan thought, almost relaxed, about as good as it got these days. His head was a bit fuzzy, but not too bad; Jean had suggested a different painkiller that turned out to work just as well, with fewer side effects.
It was getting easier to leave Meggan with other people, albeit for short periods of time - each time Amanda left and returned, it seemed to further convince her little foundling that she would come back. Not that Amanda was making a habit of abandoning her, but there were things that needed doing that were easier without Meggan in tow, especially the highly emotional matters, like her conversation with Manuel. This evening's talk wasn't intended to be an angry one, but considering there had been a whole lot left unsaid the last time, Amanda didn't doubt it would be a little emotional, on her part at least. So after giving Meggan her dinner and her evening bath, she'd left her with Kurt for some overdue playtime with her 'uncle' and made her way to Nathan and Moira's suite. She hoped they were both there, but what she found when she tapped at the door was Nathan onhis own. "Um, hey," she said, pausing in the doorway after his response to her knock. "Can I talk t' you for a minute?"
"So long as you don't actually ask me to sit up," Nathan said wryly, his eyes moving to where she stood in the doorway. "I'm too comfortable at the moment. Do you know how long it's been since I could say that?" Okay, so maybe the drugs were making him a little chirpy. There was nothing wrong with that, was there? "Come on in," he said, when she kept standing there. "There are plenty of chairs. Pick one - the couch is mine."
"Good t' see you're feelin' better. Um, remember when you said you'd be that listenin' ear?" Amanda asked once she'd settled herself in one of the arm chairs close by. "I could really use some advice. Legal stuff, mostly, t' do with Meggan. I need t' sort out papers an' stuff, as well as her bein' at the school."
Nathan chuckled dryly. "Yeah, I'd say you do. You do realize you smuggled her over international borders, yes?" Before Amanda could respond to that, he shook his head a little, barely moving it. "It's all right - something like that can be sorted out. This is where Charles and his contacts come in handy. But you're right, there is a lot that needs to be done, legally speaking." He raised a hand, ticking off items. "Establishing an identity for her, arranging for someone to have legal custody - and that's not going to be you, kiddo, I'm afraid - and making the arrangements for her to be legally in the country."
"Well, Pete wasn't around t' sort out papers like he did for me, an' the Pack was out as well," Amanda pointed out with a small shrug. "She wasn't ever registered as bein' born, far as I know - fuck, I don't even know where she was born, an' I doubt those bastard Grgics'll tell me. So yeah, I need help with all that stuff. An' I sort of worked out I wouldn't be able t' have legal custody - I'm not legal meself, an' I doubt Pete's papers'd stand up t' court."
"It's going to take some time," Nathan said, shifting a little on the couch. "Time, and work... and you need to figure out just who is going to have legal custody of her. Your papers wouldn't hold up, even if you were older." He eyed her for a long moment, wondering if this was the time to say some of the things that hadn't been said back at the beginning of the week. "Why do you think you can do this?" he asked, his tone considerably gentler than the words themselves might have suggested.
She'd been half expecting someone to ask her that - hell, Margali had pretty much implied the question with every conversation since that first morning. "Because she trusts me t' be able to do it," she replied after a moment's thought. "'Cause she needs someone, an' I'm the one she's picked. I'll need help - fuck knows I'll need that - but... I can do this, Nate. I can be her mum, if that's what she wants me t' be."
He raised an eyebrow, regarding her with a cool, assessing look he had rarely, if ever directed at her. "What precisely did you resolve, while you were gone?" he asked, patiently. "Your guilt over what happened to Pete's father? Your worries about Pete? The mess that is you and Manuel? Your resentment at having too much asked of you?"
She returned the look with a slight jut of her jaw. "Pete did what he wanted t' do," she said. "Nothin' I could've said or done would've changed that. As for Manuel... we've talked, an' I don't know what's gunna happen, but it's not gunna get in the way of Meggan. She's the one that counts, now." She gave him a wry half-smile. "I know how this looks, Nate. I run off 'cause I can't handle things, an' come back with even more demands on me. But this... it feels right, that's all I can say. Meggan... she needs me t' be strong. You an' Pete, an' even Manuel, you don't. You're there t' put me back together when I can't cope, an' that can't keep goin' on. But I won't do it for meself, not yet - I've never learned how t' value meself like that, an' as long as it's just for me, I'm not goin' to. 'S probably a horrible bloody reason for me t' do this, but I won't let her down, Nate. Not like Rom did t' me."
"I know this isn't a normal situation, even by the standards we've established around here. I also know that the similarities to your own background have to be doing all kinds of things to your head," Nathan said pointedly. "And you're right, Amanda - it does look bad. You ran off because you had a failure of coping skills. Given the situation, you had a certain amount of justification, and given your age and background, we don't expect you to be able to handle crushing amounts of stress with no difficulty at all." He went on evenly. "Meggan may not involve as many crises as other people in your life have, but she would be a constant demand. On you, on your time, on your energy... there'd be no more excuses not to handle things well. No more needing time out to get your head together. You can't take a break from a child."
"So what're you sayin'? I give her up? Let someone else take her?" Amanda shook her head. "I won't. An' I can't - she trusts me, Nate. She looks on me as her mum. I won't just dump her 'cause it's too bloody hard. I can't let her down."
"I'm saying be aware," Nathan said, almost flatly. Part of him didn't want to be this harsh with her, but these were things she needed to hear, even if only the once. "If you do this, it's going to be bloody hard, and it's never going to stop being bloody hard. There can't be any more falling off the wagon. Your own needs, your whole life outside her is going to have to take second place."
"If that's what it takes, then that's what I'll do. On me own, if I have to, tho' I'd like t' think me family'll help me." Amanda's face had taken on that stubborn cast. "I've thought about all this, Nate. Fuck, Margali hit me with some of that stuff as well. I'm scared shitless I'll fuck up, but you know somethin'? It's not me that'll get hurt if I do. An' that makes it all the more important that I don't."
"You'd like to think?" Nathan gritted his teeth and pulled himself up to a sitting position. It was less awkward than it had been even a few days ago, but straightening around on the couch was a less successful move, and considerably more painful. "Don't give me that, Amanda," he said a bit harshly. "Doing it yourself isn't an option. You know that already, or you would never have brought her back here." He went on, his voice ragged from the pain. "You're going to need to introduce her to Samson, too, once we've got the language problem closer to being solved. And you may not be happy with Charles these days, but if Moira does establish for sure that part of Meggan's mutation is empathic or some other form of psi, you're going to need to consult with him, too. Extensively." A sudden jolt of something close to outright fear hit him, and his eyes snapped back to hers. "Not Manuel. No advice from Manuel, if that's the case. Promise me."
Manuel? The absurdity struck her, and she barked out a harsh, bitter laugh. "Meggan can't stand the sight of him, Nate. First time they met, she bit him, remember? I wouldn't let him do anythin' with her, even if he wanted to." She sighed and rubbed her hands over face. "I can't do this alone, I know that Nate. 'S why I came back. But I won't give her up, no matter what anyone says, not unless I'm in danger of hurtin' her. An' if people try t' make me, well, this ain't the only place in the world. Rom an' the coven'd help, if I asked 'em. Fuck, I could always go back t' Margali. I came back here 'cause it's the best place for her, an' I'll sort out Samson an' the Professor an' someone t' be her legal guardian since I can't be, an' all the rest of it, but I won't give her up. I doubt she'd let me, even if I tried."
"Right now, he doesn't," Nathan said, a bit curtly, but left it at that. Amanda knew perfectly well of Manuel's craving for the company of his own kind, just like she knew that her relationship with him had been on and off at the best of times. If they ever did resolve this, he would just have to watch how things developed. "Also? When you talk to Charles and Samson, don't say anything about smuggling her back over international borders if she's removed from your care, for pity's sake." He gave Amanda a steady look. "If you're going to secure her future by giving her a legal existence, you have to play by the rules. Focus on your commitment to doing what's best for her... give them specifics about how you plan to do that. In fact, I'd do that in writing. A plan of care is the technical term - outline what she needs from who around here, that sort of thing. That's something you can develop in consultation with the people who'd be helping you, but doing it would prove that you're acting on more than simply emotional motivations here."
What was it with people not listening to what she'd said? 'Even if he wanted to' she'd said, and she'd meant it. Manuel would not be involved in anything to do with Meggan, not after that scene in the kitchen. And if that meant they couldn't be together, then that would be what she'd have to accept. "All right," she said, in response to Nathan's suggestion to write everything down. It'd take her a while, and she'd have to get a couple of people to check it over for her before she went to the Professor. "I'll do that - I need t' sit down with Alison an' ask her a bunch of questions any way, an' Moira's good for the medical stuff an' powers trainin', an' you for the schoolin', yeah? I'll jump through whatever hoops that's needed. But," and here she leaned forward, face filled with determination. "I don't want the Professor bein' her legal guardian. I know this is his place, an' he's responsible for a lot of the kids here, but after what happened with Pete, I don't..." It was going to sound bad, no matter how she put it, but it needed saying. "I don't trust him t' do right by me family."
Nathan took a deep breath, ignoring the pain in his ribs. He was not going to snap at her. Really. "Let's try that again, Amanda," he said as patiently as he could. "Not 'I don't want Charles to be her legal guardian.' Try 'I would like fill-in-the-blank to be her legal guardian, because they are qualified in X ways and would be able to provide X assistance.'" He didn't break eye contact with her. "Constructive," he said crisply. "Positive. What you believe should be done, not what shouldn't be done."
Amanda restrained the urge to retort, and instead nodded. "Sorry," she said, a touch meekly. "I spend so much time fightin' people 'bout stuff, I don't really know how t' do it any other way. But I'll try an' learn, if you'll help." Biting her lip, she thought about the issue at hand. "I haven't had a chance t' talk t' you an' Moira 'bout it, but I was thinkin'- hopin' really - that you'd be her legal guardians. You've both had kids before, an' you've got one on the way, an' you'd do good by her if anythin' happened t' me, I know you would. 'Sides, you're both up there as the first people I go to t' ask 'bout stuff, so might as well make it official, yeah?" She offered him a small, hopeful smile at the end. Before this conversation she'd had no doubt Nathan would say 'yes', but with all this talk of responsibility and the way he'd been smacking her down - with cause, she knew that - now she wasn't sure. Maybe it was too much responsibility for them, too much to ask of them.
Nathan breathed deeply again, letting some of the tension go with it. "You know that she and I will be there to help, no matter how this all gets resolved," he said more quietly. "As for the legal stuff... it's ironic, but I have the same problem as Meggan. I don't have a legal identity either, not really. Hopefully that's something that's going to be ironed out now that the government has access to all of Mistra's files, but between that and my past, I wouldn't be seen as suitable as a guardian." He straightened a little, wincing. "Moira's a different matter. Given her field of expertise, and Meggan's situation... that, plus who she is and her unimpeachable reputation and extremely secure financial situation..." He smiled crookedly. "Better candidate. By far. But you and I would have to talk to her about that together."
That made sense. And she'd wanted Moira as well, but if she couldn't get both, Moira would more than do. "I'll email you both an' sort out when we can sit down an' talk 'bout this," she agreed. "I was hopin' today, but she's been so busy with stuff." Now the hard part was done, she felt some of her own tension beginning to recede, which made her wish for a cigarette. She'd cut down, since finding Meggan, but couldn't quit entirely. Not yet, at least. "The money thing... I'd be able t' provide for her, if the Istanbul money was free, but most of it's tied up in that trust. An' I can't work an' finish school an' look after her." She sighed. "Don't wanna owe anythin' t' anyone, but I can't see any other way out, 'cept for droppin' out of school. 'Specially since I failed me exams by not bein' here t' take 'em."
"I think that you not dropping out of school would probably be a condition for making this work," Nathan said, "and as for the money thing... I have more money than I know what to do with, and Moira's finances frighten and awe me." He thought for a moment. "It would make sense to set up a trust for Meggan, as well. Easy to do, and it would be there for her as she got older, too."
"I don't..." Amanda stopped her protest, knowing it was the only sensible thing to do. As much as she wanted to stick by the responsibility she had taken on, she knew quitting school at this juncture, without even a high school equivalency, would be stupid. And it wasn't like the Pack would take her on with a kid. "Thank you," she said quietly. "You've done so much for me already, an' now you're doin' it for Meggan. I just wish there was a way I could pay you back someday."
Nathan gazed back at her, silent for a long moment. "You're welcome. I've... been hard on you here," he said quietly, "but it's not because I want to make things more difficult for you, or shake your confidence. I want to see both of you thrive, and I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is, both figuratively and literally." His eyes drifted away from hers. "Love is the basis for all of it - it has to be - but she deserves as close to a normal life as we can give her, too. And that takes an entirely different kind of work... different compromises, different sacrifices." He smiled tiredly. "You have to think your way through all of this, Amanda, not just feel. That's the key. You can't be a successful parent unless you do it on both levels."
She gave him a wry smile. "Don't worry 'bout it. Seems I only listen when someone's kickin' my arse - you should hear Remy's pep talks some time. 'S like I don't believe in what's bein' said unless someone's hittin' me over the head with it. But I'm not so stupid or selfish that I'll put Meggan at
risk just 'cause I'm bein' stubborn." On impulse, she came over to him and perched on the arm of the couch, resting her hand gently on his good shoulder. "I can think as well as feel. This place tends t' make me forget that, what with all the emotions bein' flung 'round the place, but I can do it." She didn't mention the talk with Remy after she'd arrived in Germany, but that was part of it too. Being strong, being a bastard, as he'd put it - it involved her thinking before feeling, prioritising things better. "Just out of practice, is all."
"I don't want you to think I don't see how determined you are to do this, and do this right, either. Or how much you love her." Nathan said after a moment, relaxing a little. "It counts for a lot. If you don't have that, you can do everything that has to be done, but it's all empty in the end." He offered her a slightly steadier smile. "It's going to take a lot of work, but we'll get it all sorted out. We will. Even if it takes me a little while to shake the rust off my law degree..."
Amanda chuckled. "Be good for you t' use it now and again," she teased. Then she looked around, attitude suddenly becoming businesslike. "Got a pen an' some paper? I want t' get started on these lists, while it's still fresh in me head. If you're up for it, that is," she added, giving him that assessing look medlab people were so good at. She'd done good work with the healing spells, she realised. Maybe slow was better than barging in and healing everything at once.
Nathan eyed the desk. A sheaf of paper and a pen floated over to land gently in Amanda's lap. "We can consider it a first draft," he said, relaxing further. "Or even brainstorming..." He smiled at her. "You know her better than anyone else," he said, quietly but firmly. "What would you say is the highest-priority need she has right now?"
