xp_logs | Nathan, Manuel, and Moira, Friday morning

Nathan goes to talk to Manuel about the end of their lessons together. There is comparatively little shouting, but quite a bit of tension. Nathan gives him one last test for old time's sake.

This was necessary, Nathan told himself, standing in front of Manuel's door. Necessary for a lot of reasons, all of which meant that no, he couldn't just let Charles inform Manuel and then pretend that all was said and done. He was deliberately, consciously going back on his word, something he liked to think that he didn't do. Here's to the shattering of another illusion, Nathan thought grimly and knocked on the door.

Manuel opened the door after a few seconds, blinked, and then held his hand up to his lips in a shhhh! sign. Behind him, Amanda could be seen sleeping on his bed, looking very wan and tired. He stepped out into the hall and closed his door behind him. "She finally got to sleep." he offered by way of explanation. "Withdrawl."

"I know," Nathan muttered, trying to fight down the ache that rose in his chest at the sight of her. "We need to talk," he said just as quietly. "Down the hall to the lounge? You'll still be in easy sensing distance."

"We've got the couch that John found here in our lounge. Let's go out there and talk. " Manuel said, walking down the hall and sitting on a truly nasty slightly singed natty brown couch. "What's on your mind?"

Nathan didn't sit down. "You," he said, pacing a bit and then leaning back against the wall as a way of forcing himself to stop. "Me. The end of summer."

Manuel quirked an eyebrow. "Well, that's an inauspicious beginning." he said with a smile. "Let me guess - you're either ditching our lessons entirely, or you're ditching the lessons and failing me. So tell me, which is it?"

"I've told Charles that I'm grading you academically at a C-," Nathan said restlessly, not answering the question directly. "You've made an effort. Your reading is better. But if you're going to take a full courseload this year, you're still going to need more remedial work."

"So I am passing. I'm impressed." he said with a grin. "But considering your state of unease, I have to conclude that you're dropping your little project to turn me into a worthwhile human being like a hot rock. Am I right?"

Nathan was silent for a moment, trying to figure out what the grin meant, what was going on in that head of his... but had he ever really been able to do that? Telepathy or no telepathy, had he ever managed it? "Yes," he said finally, clearly. "I can't do any more work on your empathy with you anyway, Manuel. I quite literally can't."

Manuel quirked an eyebrow. "Well, I suppose that I got some good out of it while it lasted." he said with a sigh. "In any case, will I ever see the Askani empaths again? Or are you severing all contact?"

"Charles is going to talk to them. To see if he can't come up with a way to get them onto the astral plane periodically, without me, to continue your lessons." Nathan swallowed. "Lusanya will keep visiting you if you want."

"I would." he said. "I'd like that. She can help me with the only part of my power that doesn't scare the hell out of people - shields. Only downside is that I'm back to where I was - no real way to grow in using my power beyond experimentation, and I can't _do_ that. Suppose it's for the best."

"The Askani have proven they can move out onto the astral plane for days at a time," Nathan said. "They and Charles will sort something out. Galin is pretty insistent that he's not leaving the job half-done."

Manuel smiled indulgingly. "I'm sure." he said with only a small dollop of sarcasm. "Well, looks like you're finally rid of me after all. Enjoy yourself. I'll make sure to tell Amanda once she wakes up."

Nathan's jaw clenched. "Do you think this was easy for me?" he demanded, managing to keep his voice down. He didn't want to wake up Amanda. "Admitting that I didn't do you a damned bit of good in the end and that it wasn't likely to change?"

Manuel shruged. "Does it matter what I think, really?" he asked rhetorically. "It's done now. I learned a lot, despite what you probably think. And I know damned well it wasn't easy for you. I can see that much from here without even trying. I was too much for you to handle. I'll figure out how to use this thing on my own - I can shield now, and that's the part you and everyone else cares about. So I won't be Mirroring, and I won't be inflicting myself on anyone else here."

"You'll still have the Askani. Without the annoying middleman prattling at you. So you'll be getting the best of both worlds," Nathan said tightly. "No need for the martyr act. You'll get what you want."

"I'll wait until I see that before I believe it." Manuel said. "So you'll excuse me if I not hold my breath."

"You are," Nathan said after a moment, "possibly the most mindblowingly self-absorbed human being I have ever encountered."

"It's not like I have a long list of people who are looking out for me, so I have to." he pointed out. "And what's so self-absorbed about being concerned about my growth as a mutant being?"

"I tried, Manuel. In between my own stupid crises, I tried to help you. I gave it everything I had." His hands were shaking, and he clenched them into fists at his sides. "I walked into that classroom on mornings when all I wanted to do was to go back to my own room and pretend I'd never taken on the responsibility in the first place. I let you use me as a guinea pig... do you know, I stopped eating breakfast on empathy mornings, because I was tired of going back to my room and throwing it right back up again?" He took a deep, shaky breath. "But never mind that. It was all more or less for nothing--my involvement, at least, and I could have saved you a great deal of aggravation if I'd recognized that back in June."

"I know you tried. I'm not blind to that." said Manuel reasonably. "Did you think I could _possibly_ miss that much fear sitting two feet away from me? I do have one request - you take that remote control for my dampener and destroy it. It's too big a temptation."

Nathan's hand slipped into his pocket, closed around the remote and pulled it out. He stared down at it for a moment, then hit the button to deactivate the dampener.

Manuel blinked. "What did you do that for? I would think you'd be in favor of putting me on the leash, not taking me off it."

Ignoring him, Nathan studied the remote. "You hated this, didn't you?" he asked quietly. "Me being able to turn you on and off."

"Try empathizing with me for a second here." he said with a bitterly ironic smile. "Would YOU like it if someone else had the ability to turn YOUR abilities on and off like a light, setting aside the messy viral death aspect?"

"They turned my abilities on and off like a light on a regular basis during my training," Nathan said sharply. "To make a point, to be cruel, to hammer in the fact that I was not in control of my life. You think you're the only one who's ever been through something like this, Manuel? The only mutant in the world who's ever been used and abused and can't quite seem to get control back even when they have the freedom to do so?"

Manuel shrugged. "I didn't know that." he admitted. "And no, I'm very aware that I'm not the only one out there who has been through some rough patches."

"I don't think you really believe that," Nathan said flatly. "I think you really believe that no one's ever had anything to compare to your rough patches."

"I used to." he admitted. "Loki was very, very good at disabusing me of such fairy-tale notions."

"I don't think Loki disabused you of nearly as much as you think he did," Nathan snapped. "Deep down, you're still identifying yourself the wounded party. Anyone who wants to reach you, to connect with you, has to be the one who reaches out. And God help them if they don't do it properly, because then they get relegated to being one more person who's failed you, who's left you alone."

Manuel quirked an eyebrow. "That's a very interesting theory." he said carefully.

"You kept telling me, over and over again, that I was only doing this because of something in myself, or because of Amanda. You know what? You were at least partially right," Nathan said restlessly. "She was half the reason I started, and I sure as fuck wouldn't have persisted this long if you hadn't hit half a dozen buttons that made it impossible for me to back down. But you look at me, Manuel," he snapped, his hands shaking almost violently now. "You look at me with that damned dampener off and tell me that I don't care. About you. As much as you scared me, as much as I hated letting you inside my head... LOOK AT ME!" he shouted when Manuel didn't, all thoughts of waking Amanda gone.

"If you're looking for validation, you're not going to find it from me. I've already told you that I know that you care. But not as a person - never as a person. I was your project, your chance to feel good about yourself. I was your goad, your pet project, and your surrogate for what was done to you. And you got _all_ wrapped up inside about it, which is why you're about to go piss me off and wake up Amanda with your ranting." Manuel said coldly. "So no - you don't give a fuck about Manuel. You care about the empath, the bondmate to your precious ltitle girl, the trauma survivor. Not the man."

His anger died, just died all at once, and he knew that Manuel didn't have a thing to do with it. "It does no good," Nathan said quietly, "to be able to detect truth and lies, Manuel, if you still lie to yourself." Staring down at the young man, Nathan remembered that morning after his argument with Betsy, Manuel reaching out to him, an act of genuine compassion. That music review, a few days later, and how obviously Manuel had enjoyed doing it. That first run Manuel had actually completed, wheezing and coughing and calling curses down on his name or not, and how proud he'd been. How proud they'd both been. Half a dozen other fleeting memories, moments only, from the summer. Validation?

"I didn't fail you," he said finally. "There's always going to be a part of me that thinks I did, but in the end... I gave you what I could, and you didn't want it." He took a deep breath. "You threw it back in my face, Manuel - you're still doing it, and that's fine. I know how hard it is to risk, to reach out. If I'm not worth that risk to you, I'm not. But you're going to have to grow the fuck up at some point. For her, if nothing else." He shook his head slowly. "It cannot always be about your pain."

Manuel clapped his hands slowly, a mocking chorus of applause. "Very nice speech." he said, then leaned back in his chair. "Turn the dampener back on." he said, clenching his hands into fists. "Turn it back on _right now_."

Nathan shook his head. "If you ever want, or need my help," he said, just as quietly, "it's yours. For the asking." He set the remote down on the table, between them. "One last test, Manuel, for old time's sake. I'm going to leave that with you. You can decide what to do with it."

Manuel's fingers very nearly broke the skin as his fists flexed. "You had better go now." he said, voice stressed. "Before I do something bad." He forced one of his fists open, and reached over to take the remote control. "I don't want to do something bad."

"You won't," Nathan said quietly, backing away. "You won't, because you have learned. With my help, in spite of me, whatever." He smiled a little, tiredly. "But I'm done trying to be your goad. You and I both have to focus on standing on our own two feet now, Manuel. I could still quite cheerfully throttle you. But I am still proud of you." He turned to go, hesitating at the door. "Here endeth the lesson," he murmured, and went out.

Afterwards, Nathan goes to talk to Moira, who's happy to tell him he did the right thing but determined not to let him kick his own ass about it. They then make camping plans for Sunday. (Yes, again.)

Nathan could sense Moira at work in her office and hesitated for a moment out in the hall, not sure whether he should bother her. He had shielded the link during the conversation with Manuel, just in case things got out of hand, and she felt very... content at the moment. Did she really need him walking in there and disrupting what she was doing?

There was a knock on her door. Slightly disgruntled, Moira didn't even bother looking up from the scribblings. Two sets even, one for each hand. She was bound and determined to get some work done. "Unless yer on fire, 'ave an emergancy, missin' a limb or are Nathan, go. Away."

"Um, the fourth one of those," Nathan said with a faint smile, opening the door and lingering there in the doorway, watching her. "I could still buzz off, though. Really."

"Nay buzzin' off, unless ye are on fire," she murmured, finishing a sentance in the left notebook seconds after completing one in the right. "Bein' ambidextrous comes in 'andy sometimes." Glancing up, she frowned at him. "Wha's wron'?"

"Talked to Manuel," Nathan said wryly, coming over and settling himself in the chair on this side of the desk. "And I only yelled once. I think I did well."

Blinking, she leaned back and studied him before answering. He looked tired and stressed--no wonder, really. "Manuel dinnae take it well, I take it?" she asked, softly.

"No," Nathan corrected her quietly. "He took it very well. Didn't bother him much at all."

"Oh." Standing up, Moira walked around to the other side of the desk and seated herself on the arm of the chair Nathan was in. Leaning down, she pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "'e'll learn, one o' these days," she murmured. "Ye did all ye could."

"He told me I never cared about him," Nathan said a bit hollowly. "That it was all about me, and Amanda, everything I tried to do."

"Manuel see's wha' 'e wants ta see. 'e 'as a verra lovely set o' blinders on, love, ye know this."

"I know," he said with a sigh, leaning against her. "I just... feel kind of defeated. This is not my favorite sensation in the world."

"But it 'appens, even if ye dinnae fail. Which, in this case, ye dinnae. Ye 'it a wall." Moira looped an arm around him and pulled him closer, hugging him as best she could from this angle. "Charles will know wha' ta do wit' 'im next." She paused, an idea suddenly popping up. "Wha' are th' empath's in yer 'ead sayin' 'bout all this?" she asked, curious.

Nathan smiled humorlessly, his arm sneaking around her waist. "They're quiet about it. They'll sort something out with Charles about continuing his empathy lessons. I don't think they're angry at me... they're being kind of... gentle, almost."

"Because they probably understand," she murmured, pleased that they weren't giving him a hard time. She played with his hair at the back of his neck, knowing it would relax him a little bit.

He took a deep breath, then released it, trying to let some of the tension out as well. "Charles understood. I think he was just waiting for me to realize it myself."

"See? Ye push yerself so 'ard when ye dinnae need ta." Moira grinned when Nathan peered around her at the amount of work on her desk. "I'm a 'ypocrite, I know."

"What a week," he said with a sigh. "Actually, what a three weeks... all right, since I can extend that back to about May... or February... I think I'll just shut up now."

Snickering slightly, Moira poked him in the head lightly. "There 'ave been some good times," she reminded him, trying to shake him out of his bleak thoughts.

"Lots of them," Nathan said with a tired smile, looking up at her. "Lots and lots... I'm just moping, I suppose. Please tell me I'm at least cute when I mope?"

Giggling, she nodded. "Ye are but probably only ta me."

The smile lingered, but he looked away, shaking his head a little. "I guess it's not as if I won't be seeing him," he said a bit wryly. "Especially since he's apparently planning on taking that international relations course..."

"Avoidance. Is. Bad. Anyway." Each word was puncuated by a sharp poke in the shoulder.

"Ow," he muttered. "What, I suppose you're going to tell me now that I need to find a middle ground?" That defeated feeling came rushing back, and he tried not to stiffen. "He doesn't want that, Moira. He doesn't want anything from me."

"Then jus' be yerself, Nathan. Listen ta me. There are _'ow_ many students in this bloody school? A good number yer nay as close ta as, say, Amanda or Rahne. Treat Manuel like tha'. If 'e eventually wants more, 'e'll come ta ye."

"That would," Nathan said tiredly, "if... well, if he asked for help." He looked up at Moira suddenly. "Except I suppose he did," he said more quietly. "He was interested in your open powers class."

Moira eyed him quietly. "Yer nay goin' ta get all angsty 'bout tha', are ye?" she asked, seriously. "I would 'ave been worried if'n 'e 'adnae. Workin' wit' different people is a good thin', Nathan. Ye know this."

"No, no angsting. It's a good thing." Nathan took a deep breath, then let it out again. "I guess, in the end, I forced my help on him in the first place. Suppose I can't expect him to be..." He stopped, shaking his head again. "He told me if I was looking for validation, I wasn't going to get it from him. I think he probably hit the nail on the head there."

"Manuel needed 'elp. Ye gave it ta 'im. An' I think for th' better."

Nathan looked up at her, a smile tugging at his lips. "Tell me to let it go and kiss you or something?"

Moira grinned. "O', if I must." She paused. "Nathan, let it go an' jus' kiss me."

Nathan pulled her down into his lap, ignoring her squeak. "Never let it be said I don't take orders well," he said as firmly as he could, and kissed her soundly. She wrapped her arms around his neck, making a contented noise. When they broke the kiss, he let his head rest against hers for a moment, taking a deep breath. "I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and know this was the right thing to do." he said softly. "Suspect I ought to find a way to distract myself for the rest of the day, though..." He stopped, chuckling suddenly. "I did promise Shinobi a game of pool."

"Oh, tha' should be entertainin'," she murmured, snuggling closer. Suddenly, she giggled and couldn't quite stop herself. Nathan looked at her oddly and she just waved a hand at him, managing to say "'ermit crabs" and "mutant fruit". It had been a long day and the memory of her needing to buy Shinobi a whole bunch of hermit crabs just set her off in another round of giggles.

Nathan blinked at her. "I don't want to know," he said with a chuckle. "I really, really don't." She leaned against him, giggling.

"Would ye believe trainin'?" Moira asked, snickering madly.

"Right. Training." He kissed her again, mostly because she was just too damned adorable when she was chortling.

"Ow. Me ribs." Still, she kissed him back, glad that session of giggling seemed to be dying down now.

Nathan gave her a long, thoughtful look. "What are you doing on Sunday?"

"Sunday?" Moira thought, mulling it over. "I'm goin', sometime, ta see Stephen an' talk over lunch but I'm nay sure when tha's goin' ta be. Why, wha' do ye 'ave in mind?"

"Well, Sunday night. You, me, that tent."

An eyebrow quirked but she grinned at him. "'Tis an obsession, I swear."

He stuck his tongue out at her. "Tell me you didn't have fun last time."

"O' course I did," Moira said, responding in turn. "I'm jus' amused yer so obsessed wit' th' tent."

"I'm weird?" He kissed her again, then got up, setting her back on her feet too. "And I feel the need for some actual alone time. Thick as the walls in the new wing are."

"Adorable's more th' word but weird works if'n ye want." Grinning, she reached up to give him another kiss and then gently shoved him towards the door. "Get. Love ye."

He blew a kiss at her and went out, closing the door quietly behind him.