Hand Me Down: Part 3

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Thursday evening: all the tests are finished, the Professor's been called in, and now Jamie knows what's going on: leftover memories of Skippy's are growing back together in his brain, like a broken bone healing wrong.  He does not take the news well, but Kitty calms him down enough to sleep.


As the door closed behind the Professor, leaving Jamie and Kitty alone  in the sparse medlab observation room, Jamie let out a long breath, his  hand tightening on Kitty's.  He blinked back tears, not trusting himself  to speak for a moment, and when he finally managed, his voice was hoarse  with strain.

"Nothing's ever over, is it."

With the Professor out of the room Kitty stood up and, still holding onto his hand, crawled up onto the bed Jamie was sitting on. Wrapping her arms around him tightly, she held him. "Certainly seems that way," she said softly.

"I thought this was.  Skippy's dead, why can't he just--"  Jamie buried his face into her shoulder, a first few tears soaking into her shirt.  "I don't know if I can do this," he murmured.  "What the Professor said.  Having to remember all that . . ."

Kitty rested her cheek against Jamie's head, trying not to cry herself. "If... if your nightmares really are memories of his surfacing again... Oh, Jamie, at least this way the Professor will be able to help."

"I don't--they aren't bad, this time.  I could stand them, the way they are now.  And--and the passing out, even if there's more of that, I don't--people live with epilepsy, and that's worse . . ."  Jamie choked on a sob.  "I don't want him to be part of me!"

"Oh, Jamie." She pressed a kiss to the crown of his head, arms tight around his waist. She couldn't say it, couldn't suggest that if he was having Skippy's dreams then maybe Skippy was already a part of him. Instead she just held him.

Jamie cried for a while, his arms around Kitty just about the only thing holding him up.  Eventually he stopped; when he pulled back, just enough to look at her, his face was blotchy and puffy but his eyes were clear.  "You think I should go through with this," he said, not quite a question.

Kitty nodded, looking serious. "We neither of us have a good track record with hiding from the demons in our own minds," she said, hand brushing away the tracks of his tears. "Or," she added, "with facing them. I think you have to, Jamie, or it will just get worse, and worse."

"I'm just so scared."  Jamie leaned his cheek into Kitty's hand, closing his eyes.  "You were there, you remember." He shivered.  "Up until you got me to the Professor it could still have gone either way.  How do I risk that again?"

"You're strong," she whispered, the thumb of her hand tracing along his cheek. "You're so very strong. You can do this. I believe in you."

Jamie smiled slightly, shifting his head to aim a kiss in the general direction of her thumb.  "I don't . . . I need some time, I think.  This is too much, too soon, I'm--I don't think I can deal with it right now."  He opened his eyes; actually watching her believe in him almost made him believe in himself. "Can you stay with me tonight?  I don't want to be alone."

"I think the Professor and Dr. B are both aware of just how futile it would be to try and keep me from staying here with you," Kitty said.

"Mm, that was more a 'can you schedule it in' instead of 'will they let you' or 'do you want to.'  Because I kinda want to get a head start on not being able to fall asleep, but if you've got homework you absolutely have to do tonight, or Lockheed's coughing up something nasty, or something, you don't have to stay."  He smiled faintly.  "I would just really really like it if you can."

"Lockheed's with Miles and you are more important than him. The homework question was just silly."

"Well, I'm probably gonna be a little silly like that. I hate being a burden on you, even if you don't mind. Not that I'm gonna try to say you shouldn't help, or anything," he added hastily.  "I know better.  And . . . I don't think I could even think about going through with this if you weren't here."

"Well you don't have to worry. I'll be here as long as you want me." Kitty pressed a kiss to his temple, holding Jamie close. "I love you, you know that? Always."

"I know.  Love you too."  Jamie smiled, resting his head on Kitty's shoulder.  "S' about all that's keeping me going right now."  He winced slightly.  "'M gonna have to tell some people what's going on, tomorrow.  Doug, Angie.  Lorna.  'Yana."  He bit his lip.  "Alison, maybe. Mom and Dad."

Kitty nodded slightly. "Bet they'll be able to help, too," she said. "If nothing else, knowing they're there for you is always good."

"Yeah.  I just . . . I haven't told them what really happened, that day.  And I think I kind of have to, now, so they'll understand what's going on.  And I guess I'm . . . nervous about what they'll say, if they'll think I've been lying about it, or, I dunno what."

"Oh, Jamie, they won't be upset with you. They love you, and they know how much Skippy... how much he hurt you. They can't be upset with you for not having wanted to talk about it."

"Hope you're right.  I just . . . it's such a huge mess. This whole . . . I always wondered what 'a horror' looked like, and this is it."  Jamie sighed.  "I guess I'll find out tomorrow."

There wasn't really much that she could say to that, so Kitty simply held him, prayers running through her mind.

After a quiet little while, Jamie slipped into restless sleep.  Tomorrow would come too soon, but there was nothing he could do about that.

Kitty was more tired than she was willing to admit, but that didn't keep her from staying awake until she heard Jamie's breathing even out. She knew he wasn't sleeping a peaceful sort of sleep, but it was the best there could be. She let the sound of his heart beat reassure her as she slowly drifted off herself.