Amanda, Angelo - Thursday night
Nov. 11th, 2004 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsAmanda has various things on her mind. Angelo is, as always, a listening ear.
"Ange, you got a minute?" Amanda stuck her head about the door to Angelo's suite, looking tired and faintly worried. "There's somethin' I wanted t' talk about, an' well, yer probably the best person."
Angelo, sitting by the computer being distracted by the puppy wanting to play, glanced up at her with a smile. "Hey, Amanda, come on in. What's up?"
Normally she'd plop herself down on the couch, play with the puppy and shoot the shit about whatever came to mind. Tonight, 'though, she paced the room, hands shoved into her jacket pockets to stop herself from chewing her nails down to nothing. "Back in Mexico," she said abruptly. "When Rack broke me spell... do you remember the word he used t' make me do what he wanted?"
Angelo watched her intently, worried, then tried to cast his mind back to Mexico, and remember. "Uh... sort of... Ge-somethin', wasn't it?"
"Gemile," she said softly, almost too softly to be heard. She bit her lip. "You would've heard it again recently. On Halloween."
He nodded reflexively, knowing exactly what she must mean, even if he'd had too many other concerns to listen closely to what the demon was saying. "I figured it'd be somethin' to do with Rack, somehow."
"Not Rack. Me." She stopped her pacing, looked straight at him. "The name of the thing is the true thing, Ange. They used that against me. Used my name against me." She took a breath, calmed herself. "Wanda heard it as well, an' she thinks she can maybe use it t' track down where it comes from. Where I come from." Another breath, clenching her hands into fists inside her pockets to stop them trembling, and she went on. "She thinks maybe we can find me family."
He looked directly back at her, eyes serious. He wasn't sure how she was taking it - family was generally a good thing, but she'd said hers had sold her... "Is that... what you want?"
"I have no bloody idea," Amanda said with a short laugh, finally flopping bonelessly down on the couch. "Here I was, puttin' all that behind me, gettin' rid of the bindin'... an' now I'm lookin' at findin' the people who sold me t' Rack in the first place." She looked very small, hunched in the oversized leather jacket that smelt strongly of cigarette smoke - she'd been out on the porch for a while, thinking this over. "If that's even true."
"Might be the one last thing you have to do", he observed quietly, still watching her. "Find them, get the truth, then if Rack lied you've got your family back, an' if he didn't then at least you know..."
Looking up, she gave him a weak smile. "That's what I was thinkin' when I told Wanda t' start diggin'," she said. "Only now I'm wonderin' if I can handle findin' out. 'Specially now with Manny..." She broke off, realising Angelo wouldn't want to hear about Manuel's decision to change.
Angelo frowned slightly at her self-censorship, especially if there was something more she wanted to talk about, but let it pass. Standing up, he crossed the room to her, trailed by the puppy, and gave her a quick hug. "You can always tell her to stop", he reminded her. "If you didn't want this anymore, I'm sure she wouldn't keep goin'."
"It's not that I don't want it, it's just..." She scratched Joyita's ears while she thought. "There's people I consider family here. Pete an' Rom, Nate an' Moira, you, Manny..." Joyita whined and licked her hand, and she smiled faintly. "If I found... these people, an' they don't turn out t' be arseholes... I don't know how people would react. I mean, blood's s'posed t' be the most important thing, ain't it? More important than what you choose?"
"I don't know about that", Angelo answered quietly. "Thing is with you, you've never known them, since you were too little to remember. Your blood family. So all you've ever had in the way of family is what you've chosen. Maybe they do say blood's meant to be more important, but that don't mean you can't have both, even if you do want to keep seein' them. An' if they don't get that, if they try an' make you spend less time with us here, after everythin' that's happened... well, that's what I'd call asshole behaviour, myself."
Amanda let out a relieved chuckle. "It would, wouldn't it?" She leaned back, patting her lap and letting Joyite jump into it. The puppy kicked her nose, and she wrinkled it. "It seems important, this family thing," she said. "Everyone here, 'cept Jane of course... they know where they come from. I just figured I'd never know, put it out of me head. So this whole thing came right out of the blue. An' the timin' sucks, with Manny decidin'..." She stopped herself again, but when she looked at Angelo, her eyes plainly said 'ask me, please.'
He noticed the look in her eyes, and her second near-slip, and said softly, "That's the second time you've started t' mention that. So what's he decided?"
"He said the other night... He doesn't want t' be him any more. The way he is, all the shite with bein' a de la Rocha, bein' better... He wants t' fit in, make friends." Amanda gave him a half-shrug. "He's givin' it all up, an' I don't know how he'll react t' me findin' my history when he's tryin' t' escape his."
"Different things", Angelo pointed out. "If he's givin' up his family, his history, an' it's somethin' he should be doin', then it's because it's not healthy for him or anyone else. If your family turn out t'be good people, it's not the same kind of thing as it is for him. An' if it turns out Rack was tellin' the truth, then nothin' changes."
"It's so important to him..." Amanda shrugged again, and gave Angelo a tired smile. "I know you don't want t' talk 'bout him, but it's not like I can talk t' anyone else much. Alison, maybe but she's not really in the right frame of mind." The smile faded. "He's so fuckin' lonely, Ange. An' he really wants t' change. But I don't know if anyone will give him a chance, an' if this doesn't work... I don't know what t' do."
Angelo hesitated, then, with some barely-concealed reluctance, told her, "If... if he wants to change, I'd try. For your sake, if not for his. But I don't think for a second he'd go for that - he doesn't like me any more 'n I like him, as we all know. I think maybe he an' Paige are gettin' on okay, though - they've been talkin' about the opera an' all..."
Her lap was full of puppy, so she settled for squeezing his hand rather than hugging the life out of him. "You don't have to - yer right, he wouldn't take it. But I appreciate it." Another wry smile. "A girl can only hear what an arse her boyfriend is so much."
He returned the smile, equally wryly. "If he's serious about changin', maybe you won't have to so much any more. I mean... there's gonna be those who won't forget, or won't forgive, an' I'm not gonna say they don't have a right to it. Lorna, for one, maybe Bobby. But there's new people here as well, that weren't here when he was doin' all that stuff. If..." He trailed off with a shrug, not wanting to repeat himself.
"Oh, I don't expect either of 'em t' change their minds any time soon. 'Specially Lorna. Remy said..." She stopped herself again, this time with a guilty look.
Angelo gave her a pointed look, but left her the option of refusing to explain, if she really wanted or felt she had to.
"I spoke t' him. Remy. Last week," she admitted. "Tyin' up loose ends, remember? I had t' see if I could face him, without all the Rack stuff in me head." Her look was apologetic. "I know I should've said somethin', got you t' back me up or somethin', but people keep sayin' he's not the person I saw that night, an' I had t' find out for meself."
Angelo nodded, expression carefully neutral. "I guess I can understand that. So what happened?"
"Bit of an anti-climax, really. He apologised for scarin' the fuck out of me an' I apologised for zappin' him across the room. He told me Manny was a monster, I told him it takes one t' know one," Amanda said. "Manny's done some crap things, but so have a lot of people, an' he's tryin' t' not be that person any more. But he can't do that if people keep shovin' him back in the monster box. Lorna's got her own issues with him - it's up t' her t' deal with 'em, if she wants to. From what I've seen, she don't deal with anythin' much." Amanda's tone was sympathetic, but there was a slightly hard edge to it. "I might've fucked things up earlier, not called him on things I should have, but he's not the only one who's tryin' t' change."
Angelo nodded soberly, a chord struck with those words. "No, he's not. The problem's gonna be in convincin' people - some people - that he wants t'change an' deserves the second chance. I believe you when you tell me he does want to, but that won't be enough for everyone."
"I don't know what else he can do, Ange. I mean, Halloween... yeah, after he got hurt he was projectin' at people, but before that - you can't tell me most of those people wouldn't have gotten out without him makin' 'em calm. But no-one really gives a shit for the good stuff, just the bad. Doesn't fit in with their view of him." The hard edge had turned a little bitter. "'M sorry, Ange. 'M just so tired - I've been lookin' after him as well as the medlab stuff, an' school. All I want is a fuckin' break - not for me, but for him. 'S what this place is all about, ain't it? Givin' people a chance?"
He reached for her hand, the one that wasn't occupied in petting a drowsy Joyita, and squeezed it hard. "If it wasn't, he would've been out by now. So would both of us, an' quite a few others besides. But the Professor can't make people forget. If he keeps tryin', an' with time..." He shrugged helplessly.
"That's what I keep sayin'." She clung to his hand, gave him another weak smile. "Still, 's good t' hear it from someone else. Means I'm not wrong, which is good." The smile grew stronger. "Means there's hope for both of us yet."
"There always is, I think, if you're willin' to work for it", he answered softly. "Just depends on if you can see it."
"Ange, you got a minute?" Amanda stuck her head about the door to Angelo's suite, looking tired and faintly worried. "There's somethin' I wanted t' talk about, an' well, yer probably the best person."
Angelo, sitting by the computer being distracted by the puppy wanting to play, glanced up at her with a smile. "Hey, Amanda, come on in. What's up?"
Normally she'd plop herself down on the couch, play with the puppy and shoot the shit about whatever came to mind. Tonight, 'though, she paced the room, hands shoved into her jacket pockets to stop herself from chewing her nails down to nothing. "Back in Mexico," she said abruptly. "When Rack broke me spell... do you remember the word he used t' make me do what he wanted?"
Angelo watched her intently, worried, then tried to cast his mind back to Mexico, and remember. "Uh... sort of... Ge-somethin', wasn't it?"
"Gemile," she said softly, almost too softly to be heard. She bit her lip. "You would've heard it again recently. On Halloween."
He nodded reflexively, knowing exactly what she must mean, even if he'd had too many other concerns to listen closely to what the demon was saying. "I figured it'd be somethin' to do with Rack, somehow."
"Not Rack. Me." She stopped her pacing, looked straight at him. "The name of the thing is the true thing, Ange. They used that against me. Used my name against me." She took a breath, calmed herself. "Wanda heard it as well, an' she thinks she can maybe use it t' track down where it comes from. Where I come from." Another breath, clenching her hands into fists inside her pockets to stop them trembling, and she went on. "She thinks maybe we can find me family."
He looked directly back at her, eyes serious. He wasn't sure how she was taking it - family was generally a good thing, but she'd said hers had sold her... "Is that... what you want?"
"I have no bloody idea," Amanda said with a short laugh, finally flopping bonelessly down on the couch. "Here I was, puttin' all that behind me, gettin' rid of the bindin'... an' now I'm lookin' at findin' the people who sold me t' Rack in the first place." She looked very small, hunched in the oversized leather jacket that smelt strongly of cigarette smoke - she'd been out on the porch for a while, thinking this over. "If that's even true."
"Might be the one last thing you have to do", he observed quietly, still watching her. "Find them, get the truth, then if Rack lied you've got your family back, an' if he didn't then at least you know..."
Looking up, she gave him a weak smile. "That's what I was thinkin' when I told Wanda t' start diggin'," she said. "Only now I'm wonderin' if I can handle findin' out. 'Specially now with Manny..." She broke off, realising Angelo wouldn't want to hear about Manuel's decision to change.
Angelo frowned slightly at her self-censorship, especially if there was something more she wanted to talk about, but let it pass. Standing up, he crossed the room to her, trailed by the puppy, and gave her a quick hug. "You can always tell her to stop", he reminded her. "If you didn't want this anymore, I'm sure she wouldn't keep goin'."
"It's not that I don't want it, it's just..." She scratched Joyita's ears while she thought. "There's people I consider family here. Pete an' Rom, Nate an' Moira, you, Manny..." Joyita whined and licked her hand, and she smiled faintly. "If I found... these people, an' they don't turn out t' be arseholes... I don't know how people would react. I mean, blood's s'posed t' be the most important thing, ain't it? More important than what you choose?"
"I don't know about that", Angelo answered quietly. "Thing is with you, you've never known them, since you were too little to remember. Your blood family. So all you've ever had in the way of family is what you've chosen. Maybe they do say blood's meant to be more important, but that don't mean you can't have both, even if you do want to keep seein' them. An' if they don't get that, if they try an' make you spend less time with us here, after everythin' that's happened... well, that's what I'd call asshole behaviour, myself."
Amanda let out a relieved chuckle. "It would, wouldn't it?" She leaned back, patting her lap and letting Joyite jump into it. The puppy kicked her nose, and she wrinkled it. "It seems important, this family thing," she said. "Everyone here, 'cept Jane of course... they know where they come from. I just figured I'd never know, put it out of me head. So this whole thing came right out of the blue. An' the timin' sucks, with Manny decidin'..." She stopped herself again, but when she looked at Angelo, her eyes plainly said 'ask me, please.'
He noticed the look in her eyes, and her second near-slip, and said softly, "That's the second time you've started t' mention that. So what's he decided?"
"He said the other night... He doesn't want t' be him any more. The way he is, all the shite with bein' a de la Rocha, bein' better... He wants t' fit in, make friends." Amanda gave him a half-shrug. "He's givin' it all up, an' I don't know how he'll react t' me findin' my history when he's tryin' t' escape his."
"Different things", Angelo pointed out. "If he's givin' up his family, his history, an' it's somethin' he should be doin', then it's because it's not healthy for him or anyone else. If your family turn out t'be good people, it's not the same kind of thing as it is for him. An' if it turns out Rack was tellin' the truth, then nothin' changes."
"It's so important to him..." Amanda shrugged again, and gave Angelo a tired smile. "I know you don't want t' talk 'bout him, but it's not like I can talk t' anyone else much. Alison, maybe but she's not really in the right frame of mind." The smile faded. "He's so fuckin' lonely, Ange. An' he really wants t' change. But I don't know if anyone will give him a chance, an' if this doesn't work... I don't know what t' do."
Angelo hesitated, then, with some barely-concealed reluctance, told her, "If... if he wants to change, I'd try. For your sake, if not for his. But I don't think for a second he'd go for that - he doesn't like me any more 'n I like him, as we all know. I think maybe he an' Paige are gettin' on okay, though - they've been talkin' about the opera an' all..."
Her lap was full of puppy, so she settled for squeezing his hand rather than hugging the life out of him. "You don't have to - yer right, he wouldn't take it. But I appreciate it." Another wry smile. "A girl can only hear what an arse her boyfriend is so much."
He returned the smile, equally wryly. "If he's serious about changin', maybe you won't have to so much any more. I mean... there's gonna be those who won't forget, or won't forgive, an' I'm not gonna say they don't have a right to it. Lorna, for one, maybe Bobby. But there's new people here as well, that weren't here when he was doin' all that stuff. If..." He trailed off with a shrug, not wanting to repeat himself.
"Oh, I don't expect either of 'em t' change their minds any time soon. 'Specially Lorna. Remy said..." She stopped herself again, this time with a guilty look.
Angelo gave her a pointed look, but left her the option of refusing to explain, if she really wanted or felt she had to.
"I spoke t' him. Remy. Last week," she admitted. "Tyin' up loose ends, remember? I had t' see if I could face him, without all the Rack stuff in me head." Her look was apologetic. "I know I should've said somethin', got you t' back me up or somethin', but people keep sayin' he's not the person I saw that night, an' I had t' find out for meself."
Angelo nodded, expression carefully neutral. "I guess I can understand that. So what happened?"
"Bit of an anti-climax, really. He apologised for scarin' the fuck out of me an' I apologised for zappin' him across the room. He told me Manny was a monster, I told him it takes one t' know one," Amanda said. "Manny's done some crap things, but so have a lot of people, an' he's tryin' t' not be that person any more. But he can't do that if people keep shovin' him back in the monster box. Lorna's got her own issues with him - it's up t' her t' deal with 'em, if she wants to. From what I've seen, she don't deal with anythin' much." Amanda's tone was sympathetic, but there was a slightly hard edge to it. "I might've fucked things up earlier, not called him on things I should have, but he's not the only one who's tryin' t' change."
Angelo nodded soberly, a chord struck with those words. "No, he's not. The problem's gonna be in convincin' people - some people - that he wants t'change an' deserves the second chance. I believe you when you tell me he does want to, but that won't be enough for everyone."
"I don't know what else he can do, Ange. I mean, Halloween... yeah, after he got hurt he was projectin' at people, but before that - you can't tell me most of those people wouldn't have gotten out without him makin' 'em calm. But no-one really gives a shit for the good stuff, just the bad. Doesn't fit in with their view of him." The hard edge had turned a little bitter. "'M sorry, Ange. 'M just so tired - I've been lookin' after him as well as the medlab stuff, an' school. All I want is a fuckin' break - not for me, but for him. 'S what this place is all about, ain't it? Givin' people a chance?"
He reached for her hand, the one that wasn't occupied in petting a drowsy Joyita, and squeezed it hard. "If it wasn't, he would've been out by now. So would both of us, an' quite a few others besides. But the Professor can't make people forget. If he keeps tryin', an' with time..." He shrugged helplessly.
"That's what I keep sayin'." She clung to his hand, gave him another weak smile. "Still, 's good t' hear it from someone else. Means I'm not wrong, which is good." The smile grew stronger. "Means there's hope for both of us yet."
"There always is, I think, if you're willin' to work for it", he answered softly. "Just depends on if you can see it."
