xp_logs | Nathan and Manuel / Nathan and Madelyn, late Thursday afternoon

Nathan and Manuel have an encounter in the library and a long conversation about Manuel's recovered memories, regrets, and the philosophy of emotions versus logic.

Manuel grinned as he walked into the Library, book tucked under his arm. He was wearing his new designer shades from Marie-Ange on his face, and the book under his arm's title was "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas". Considering how he had missed the Vegas trip - no call for one such as him then, and he wasn't exactly in his right mind at the time anyway - he thought he'd read up on the place. The librarian - the pretty Vietnamese lesbia\n with two children, Manuel could never remember her name - had handed him this book with an arched eyebrow and a teasing smile. He intended to thank her for her selection as soon as he found her.

Nathan was sitting at one of the long tables, an array of books spread around him. Preparing the lectures for humanities took quite a bit longer than for international relations or history, and he wanted to get a jump on the one for next week. Plans for the weekend and all.

Manuel couldn't find the librarian - apparently she was off-duty right now. But he did feel a familiar presence, an ice-cold mind wrapped in dizzying spirals. Curious, he wandered through the stacks until he came to Nathan hard at work prepping some schoolwork. Not IR, he could see that much at a glance. Probably one of his touchy-feely courses. "Hola." he said, dropping into a chair gracefully.

Nathan looked up at Manuel. "Hey," he said, keeping his voice low - they were in the library, after all. "Nice sunglasses."

"Thanks." he said with a cheery smile. All traces of his former Old Money New England accent were gone, replaced by the more normal Castillian "Working on some schoolwork?" he asked curiously, glancing at one of the reference books littered about the desk.

"Drawing up a plan for a lecture for the humanities course," Nathan said with a nod, noticing the shift in accent with a touch of wariness. "I don't want to have to do it this weekend."

"Plans?" he asked, still with his smile. "I was just returning a book when I ... well, when I wandered over to say hello." he said smoothly. "Got plans of my own this weekend. Big ones." he said. "Going on a little field-trip. All academic and stuff, even."

"A few small plans of my own," Nathan confirmed, wondering a bit warily about Manuel's field trip. "But really, I'd just prefer to have the weekend free to rest. It's been a very hard couple of weeks."

Manuel ahhed. "Yes, I suppose it would have been, for you." he said compassionately. "I had a rough Valentine's Day, but I think I'm mostly through that now. My independent study course in music is why Alison and I are going out. There's no reason to be suspicious." he stated. "So you can just relax on that score."

"I heard about what happened on Valentine's Day," Nathan said quietly. "How are you doing?"

Manuel exhaled loudly. "I'm OK now." he said. "It was rough going, but there's not much that can be done for it. All that I can do is take this new chance I have been given and make the best of it."

Nathan nodded slowly. "You were trying to do that, even before... everything happened, you know. I don't know if you remember that or not. But you were making an effort."

Manuel nodded. "It is an uphill struggle." he admitted. "I know what happened, but not the feelings behind it. Just the knowledge, and believe me, that's more than bad enough."

Nathan paused for a moment. "I'm sorry if I sounded at all hostile, in my journal. You just took me off-guard. We used to... get into it, at times, in that forum."

Manuel smiled thinly. "I know." he said simply. "I know. I don't know the whys or the hows, but I do know what I said, and what you said."

"The whys and the hows... are fairly complicated, in retrospect," Nathan said, his voice dropping even a little more, in volume. "I couldn't help you, the way you deserved to be helped. Wrong person for the job, right for the start. Part of me is still surprised that I didn't do you irreparable harm with my fumbling around."

Manuel smirked at that. "That sentiment is echoed on my end. I could have killed you or worse by fumbling around like that." he said. "But I didn't, and at the end of the day, when it comes time to pay the bill, that's the only fact that really counts."

Nathan could have made the inevitable 'what is, is' comment there, but chose to refrain. "So your powers are back?" he asked, instead.

Manuel grinned, and didn't answer the question. Instead, he picked up one of Nathan's reference books and leafed through it.

Nathan raised an eyebrow. "Uh-huh," he said, glad he'd mastered the empathic defense as completely as he had. It wasn't that he didn't trust Manuel - he seemed quite genuine about wanting to change - but even so, it made him feel safe. And that, according to both Charles and Jack, was the best way out of phobia about empaths.

"Danielle and I have been working together quite a bit lately." he said out of the blue, putting the book down. "In some ways, she reminds me of me. Just ... less."

"I've been working with Dani a bit myself. Mostly meditation, passing along some of the Askani shielding tips..." Nathan smiled a bit. "Yes, I'm hopelessly persistent at times. You don't need to say it."

"I didn't say a word." he said with a smile. "After all, we're sitting here talking, which is a far better proof than anything else you could come up with." he grinned. "Or anything that I could say. It helps her - and me - to know that we're not alone out there. That there is hope, and that the power won't turn you into an arrogant, vain little worm with delusions of self-importance and grandeur." he said with a bright, cheery smile. "I'm jealous, and I'm not sure I could stand the competition."

Nathan sighed. "I see the tendency to beat yourself up has come back," he commented. "I can't say that I'm surprised."

Manuel shrugged. "But that's the beauty of Selene's gift to me." he said. "She took all of the causes, all the seeds of those behaviors and crushed them under her spiked heel. So while the memories remain, the seeds that made them bear the bitter fruit are gone. It would take real effort for me to become that man again."

"Then let him go," Nathan said, a bit wearily. "If he's not chasing you." It struck him as an odd thing to say, as soon as it was out of his mouth, but then, it fit, too.

"I can't let him go. He is me, and I him." he said, in the spirit of self-contradiction. "He is always there, casting a shadow over my thoughts, my deeds. I see him in the eyes of another, who fears me more than Death itself."

"So you're going to live your life based on who you were," Nathan said, more irritably than he'd intended. In his mind, some of the spirals wavered and fractured, emotions leaking through.

"Not at all. Like I said, it would take real effort for me to become that man again." he said patiently. "But he did exist, and he touched a lot of lives. And I have to live with that, no matter how much it makes me howl some days."

Nathan set his book down, rubbing at his eyes. What he'd said to Remy was true, he didn't get hangovers any more, but he doubted the headache was due to the single beer in any case. He concentrated for a moment, reweaving his defenses into those carefully coiled spirals.

"We all have things we have to live with," he said, wincing at the thought of those eighteen dead children in New Mexico. "Dwell on it too much and it'll kill you," he said, more harshly, his defenses fracturing again.

Manuel blinked behind his sunglasses and stared at Nathan for a second. "Yes, I suppose we all have our restless dead." he said quietly. "Or those we have wronged."

"Or both." He couldn't keep the pattern straight in his head; it kept cracking under the sudden pressure from him. Nathan took a deep, shaky breath. Distraction. Now. "What are you reading?" he asked unsteadily.

Manuel grinned. "Something the librarian recommended to me. 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' was the title. Fascinating, really." he said with a laugh.

"I've heard of it. Never read it myself. Probably should." Nathan fumbled restlessly with the books in front of him, intending to put them in a neater single pile.

"I understand that the man who wrote it killed himself recently. A pity, I had entertained the notion of finding him, maybe interviewing him." he said carelessly.

"Intensity exacts its own price on the personal level," Nathan said. "Many great writers or artists or thinkers came to untimely ends."

"For humans, anyway." he added thoughtfully. "Perhaps for us as well. Guess we'll find out soon enough, eh?"

Nathan smiled a bit humorlessly. "Maybe for you. Although I have it on good authority that I've lost my intensity. Maybe I'll just be content to sit back and watch the young and energetic do what they will."

"No one can sprain their brain as many times as you have, cheat Death as many times as you have and not be considered insanely intense." Manuel pointed out. "You're not howling at the moon or barking at trees - as far as I know, anyway, what you do in your spare time is your business - so you're just inwardsly intense, not outwardly intense."

"Mmmm," Nathan said, not sure what to make of that particular assessment. "You know, I think you've certainly become more... mentally flexible than you were. You're going down paths you'd have been pretending didn't exist, six months ago."

"Losing my emotional ties to my memories does that to me." he said drily. "Can't imagine why that is, but there it is. I guess it's because I don't have any emotional blinders on any more."

All right, so he had a few too many books to put in a single pile. "It's a good thing, I think," Nathan said quietly. "The lack of blinders."

"I think so." he said cautiously. "It's an eye-opener, especially when you go back and look at your own life, to see how much of it was derived from nonsensical, emotional things. Things you don't feel anymore."

"Acting on emotion isn't necessarily a bad thing," Nathan said with a sigh. "It can just be a destructive thing if you do it without accompanying logic."

"You don't have to tell me that." he said drily, with a hint of reproach. "And that's just precisely it. Emotion warps logic."

"But the reverse is true, as well. And sometimes that's just as bad." Nathan stopped, shaking his head. "What are we doing?" he asked tiredly. "Trying to revisit the old days?"

"I don't think so. Logic and emotion rarely intersect. Emotion warps logic, and logic suppresses emotion. Sometimes. It's complicated." he said with a grin. "And here I thought we were just talking. Maybe, just maybe, making a little bit of amends?" he suggested.

Nathan looked up at him. "You don't have any amends to make," he said dully. "But if there's anything I can do for you, to help..." He mustered a faint smile. "I've said that before, haven't I? A few times. I still mean it."

Manuel grinned. "Maybe you don't think that I do, but I would beg to differ." he said modestly. "As far as the helping goes - I should ask you that. I am not good at helping on my own - Professor Xavier denied my request to inspire the Medical staff."

Nathan rested his head in one hand, closing his eyes for a moment. "Let me think about it," he said. "About what you might be able to do to help out around here, if that's what you want. I'm just not in a particularly creative mood at the moment, unfortunately..."

"I understand." Manuel said. "Take your time. Let me know if you think of anything. And before you ask, I am terrible with children." he laughed.

"I wouldn't do that to you," Nathan murmured, with a wry smile. "Or to the kids."

"Wise." Manuel said with a laugh. "I think I need to take Amanda out to eat somewhere - she is dying with curiousity about my new art project, and I haven't broken the news to her yet."

"Sounds like a good idea," Nathan said more briskly, then looked at his books again. "I really ought to get back to work, I think."

"I thought you'd like that, since the two of you are close." Manuel said happily. "I should leave you to your work - and start looking at my dwindling funds and thinking about where I can fill the Bottomless Pit."

"Take her out for Thai," Nathan suggested. "Huge portions. Very good. Low price." He smirked suddenly. "Listen to me, I sound like a restaurant reviewer..."

Manuel nodded. "And I like Thai, so that helps. Lots of very tasty vegetables." he said. "Sounds like a plan. Know of any good places around here, O Great Restaurant Bwana?"

Nathan hesitated, then grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled down an address. "Here. Only Thai place I've been in town, but quite good."

Manuel grabbed the piece of paper and tucked it into his shirt pocket. "Done, then. I'll go make the call and set it up." he said. "Thank you, again, for your generousity."

Nathan gave him a slightly quizzical look. "You're, uh, welcome. Have a good time..."

"We will." he said, then he stood up. "Good luck with the lessons." he said, and withdrew from the Library.

Later, Nathan is meditating outside when Madelyn happens by in the pursuit of fresh air. He gives her an impromptu lesson in Askani meditative patterns, and it goes over quite well.

He hadn't been doing nearly enough of this lately. Floating upside down in the cross-legged meditative position, Nathan drifted slowly above the melting snow, following the lines of force as he levitated. The pattern was soothing, just the way it should be, various sources of stress fading into the background, if not vanishing entirely.

Melting snow wasn't fun to walk in, but when you couldn't remember the last time you'd been outside, it was definitely too long. Picking her way carefully, Madelyn wandered sort of aimlessly, not really going anywhere in particular, more wanting some fresh air and the sensation of no walls around her. The medlab, being underground, tended to be claustrophobic on occasion, but during times of crisis, when you never seemed to leave, it could drive you insane. Then the upside-down figure of Nathan registered, and she paused, blinking.

"Just hanging around?" she quipped, smiling a little.

Nathan opened his eyes, regarding the upside-down Madelyn. "Something like that," he said, managing a smile, although it was somewhat hard to come back far enough to carry on a conversation. His mind had been lost in the pattern. "Not meditating nearly enough lately." He righted himself in the air, but continued to float. "Out for a walk?"

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt," she apologised, glad he'd righted himself. Talking to upside-down people always gave her the urge to stand on her head, and the snow was mushy, cold and mixed with mud. Ew. "But yes, something like that. Had to get out before the walls closed in on me. But I've got the beeper on me in case anything comes up..." She indicated the Beeper of Doom attached to her belt. "Meditating. Seems like all the cool kids are doing it, although upside down is a new one."

"Survival strategy, for me," Nathan said with a wry smile, lowering himself until he was at eye level with Madelyn. "Meditating was how I managed not to wind up with a major dissociative disorder after August. It let my brain... reset itself, I suppose you'd say."

"Hey, not dissing it at all, to quote Jubilee. I've just never gotten the hang of it myself - I either get bored or fall asleep." She gave him a wry grin. "Some would say I would probably benefit from learning to, I suppose."

Nathan gave her a thoughtful look. "You've never tried my sort of meditation," he said, and then levitated her very slowly into the air, prepared to set her back down if she started to protest. "Sit like I'm sitting?"

'Eeep'-ing was not very dignified, and so that wasn't what Madelyn did. Or at least, she wasn't going to admit to it, no way. But once the initial shock was over, it was actually kind of fun, floating around like someone had gotten over-enthusiastic with the fairy-dust. "Okay," she said, closing her eyes to make folding her legs up underneath her in mid-air less weird. "This is very strange," she said, opening her eyes and looking at him when she was done.

"I'll take you for an actual flight later, if you want," Nathan said briskly. "Now... going to just make very brief telepathic contact with you to show you the pattern?" He made it a question, and when she just nodded, reached out, establishing a very light link and tracing the pattern out in light so that she could 'see' it. "That's a very basic one," he said, tracing the whorls and spirals.

"And what exactly do I do with it?" Madelyn asked, closing her eyes again all the better to focus on the pattern apearing in her mind's eye. "Visualise it and follow the pattern?"

"Yes. I'll keep it there in your mind for you," he said, keeping his voice low and steady. Almost soothing. "Don't rush," he said as he sensed her tracing the pattern. "Pacing is important. Let all your thoughts and emotions follow the path of the pattern."

"If you call me grasshopper I'm going to laugh and it's all over," Madelyn murmured with a slight quirk of her lips as she tried to follow instructions. It was soothing, she had to admit, although she wasn't sure if she could do this alone... and there she was again with the not letting all her thoughts follow the pattern. Damn brain - she always had the mental observer sitting apart, watching things panning out and making notes.

"You know, this is how I pulled myself together after what happened in August, like I said," Nathan murmured, watching her. "Taught my emotions new patterns to follow, since the loss of the conditioning killed all my natural regulating mechanisms..." He shifted the pattern slightly. "Try this one. It's meant to evoke hope, on top of serenity." Two things she needed very badly lately.

"You noticed I needed both, huh?" Madelyn said dryly, raising an eyebrow without opening her eyes. It came out just a bit flatter than she'd intended - Hank was visibly deteriorating by the day, and they were still no closer to finding the reason. They'd found a lot of things that weren't responsible. With a sigh she dragged her attention back to the pattern, finding there was something... uplifting about the turns and twists of it. "Where did you learn this?" she asked after a while.

"The Askani," Nathan said. "There are... well, almost two hundred variants on the meditative patterns alone. Then you get into psi-patterns, and precognitive patterns, and patterns that you apply to the ebb and flow of history... and I really am probably reaching the point at which I should shut up." He chuckled softly and let color bleed into the pattern until it shimmered in Madelyn's mind, a soft silver-blue shot through with gold.

Ooh, pretty. And calming too - Madelyn felt the tension easing from her shoulders and lower back, the almost-constant ache at the base of her neck subsiding. "It's all about the patterns, then?" she asked softly, most of her focus on the pattern now. "These Askani of yours are remarkable." A thought struck her. "They wouldn't have any opinions on Hank's condition, would they? Theories on what it might be?"

Nathan hesitated. "I'll ask," he said after a moment. "I've rarely spoken to their physicians. They might have a few suggestions, though. I get the sense that medical science had a lot of unusual challenges in their era. New viruses, the consequences of environment damage, biological warfare..." He made a mental note to do some deeper meditation tonight to see what he could dig up. "And yes, it's all about the patterns. They're interconnected, all the patterns for different purposes. You see echoes of meditative patterns in their unarmed fighting styles, that sort of thing... I haven't mastered it all yet. Still learning."

"Damn timing... you realise if I wasn't completely snowed under right now I'd be wanting to hear all about these challenges of theirs," Madelyn said, opening her eyes. She had the whole 'ooh! new project!' vibe, but there were other things to be done. "Some would say the day we stop learning is the day we die. I know my own learning curve has been pretty steep since I got here."

"Later," Nathan said firmly. "When the snow's melted a little." His lips twitched, but he went on, more seriously. "At times I feel like I don't do much else but learn, around here." He thought about his post. "Everything's a lesson. Even the things that I don't handle well."

"How very Zen of you," Madelyn teased gently, but there was a certain amount of sympathy in her expression - she'd had her own share of hard lessons, she reflected. Including realising she had any number of blindspots herself. "But if it helps, I think you're getting better at the learning thing. We both are."

"Time and the opportunity to flounder when we need it," Nathan said, then smiled impishly. "And I had better stop right there before I start sounding preachy. For someone who has so few of the answers for himself, I tend to give a little too much advice, I think."

"Occupational hazard," Madelyn chuckled. "Teaching, I mean. You get so used to passing on knowledge in the classroom, it spills over into the rest of your life. And speaking of occupations..." She glanced at her watch. "I should get back to mine. A couple of Hank's colleagues are over in England and if I'm going to video conference with them, I'd better get back."

"Just ease down into a standing position," Nathan advised her, lowering her gently to the ground once she was upright. "If you want to try this again anytime, I'm supposed to be doing it every day," he said, giving her a crooked smile as he hovered there, watching her. "Just let me know."

Madelyn smiled. "Well, considering how much better I feel, I think I'll take you up on that, Professor Dayspring."